July 2025
June 2025
Trauma bonded.
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Several people in my past life I allowed either to make believe they were my friends or they were weirdos who bullied me and I did nothing about it; never reported them; nothing.
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First thought; Bullies; Im not going to report them because my father and mother are suppose to report them and Mom N Dads are suppose to take care of me and if they dont this proves they never loved me; Im worth more then this; When very young; Im not suppose to report when perpetrators are taking advantage of me; The adults are; But there were no adults to do this for me so the whole thing left me so degraded I just stayed in freeze mode for complete years; survival mode.
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Im not suppose to be in that or this position; Im just a kid and Im suppose to be safe; Im not suppose to be the one taking care of me; Im suppose to have a family that is taking care of me; this just proves no one is taking care of me and no one loves me.
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The fact Im being bullied means no one loves me and Im not being taken care of by anyone or any family; nothing; and its an insult to my future and my dreams; in fact; there are no more dreams and there is no more future; there is nothing but the acute right now... And its to overwhelming.
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So; as a victim; I have to work with the universe to understand how to get on the other side of bulling.... Thats what Im praying about; waking up to sanity; its a kind of sanity thing...
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Ill keep working on it; praying about it.
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Fake friends;
Fake friends from the past; the insanity of finding them; walking over to them and making them friends when they were unsafe; did not want to be friends with me; could care less about me and would have no idea what to do with me because they didnt come from my background; its like purposely walking into a Snake store with venomous snakes; I purchase one of them; I carry it around with; everyone is looking at me like Im crazy. Finally the snake bites me and I die...
And on my way to heaven I dont get it; what happened; how could this happen to me; I thought I got it going on; What happened. I didnt think the snake would bite me? Im special; its not suppose to happen to a nice innocent guy like me? Right!
I guess having that pet snake made me feel powerful. I felt like I was in charge; large and in charge; powerful; the man who can do anything; control anything and everything and everyone. And there it is; that ego... Ego is surrounding all things.
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Fake friends;
I know that I was not valued by these people; I know that I never told them whom I was; I assumed they all ready knew; all ready knew my value; why would they be around me?; but in reality; they were playing me because they were players... THey lied to me because they were liars.. THey had no value for me... But they could use me? Let me think they were friends.. They didnt need me because they were not much a human beings; I was nothing but human and I needed the human race and the human experience.
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I didnt know they were evil and players. I guess I never met them under honorable conditions.
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In a sense; one has to show their weakness around people to see how they will react.
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IVe learned to stay a fair distance so I dont get bit by them when they turn on me... Im looking to see if the DOG/Wolf comes out in them; the animal; if they live by the wolf pack rules; its all about strength and weakness and they decide who is strong and weak. Those kind a retards I dont want around me... IF they see weakness; they walk all over me; lose all respect for me; laugh in my face and never return; Those are not the kinds of people I want around me.
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Getting those bad people out of my mind and nervous system;
So; the goal is to get rid of them from my conscious mind; Im talking about the fake friends. The bulling thing is different; must be handled differently. I found myself with no help or hope or family; I was completely thrown away and alone and thats what bullies are looking for; for victims I was overwhelmed. I had no friends.
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Socially Im delusional; IVe spent my life wanting love friendship and a family; I had to go outside my home when I was young looking for it. I never found it. I was delusional and would end up at some ones door step; even tho they never invited me; I just thought others were their to take care of me. When It was finally brought to my attention that these were strangers who were not who I thought they were; I wised up and left and never came back. I thought they were suppose to be friendly and take care of me; I had to learn the brutal way; they were no friends; they had lied to me and used me then through me away...
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I was broken hearted.
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But why was I broken hearted; Thats what Im working on today; I was broken hearted because I wanted a family and they weren't it; I thought they were it; the small child level in me; the small child in me didnt have a friend or a father or mother; nothing; and those outside that family system didnt want anything to do with me. I tried. However, looking back; those people I tried with were strangers and GOd never sent me to those people; I had gone the wrong way; God was sending me in the opposite direction. Allowing God to create a pathway and I mature in that pathway for the right people to show up; But I never did this; I was crushed and gave up...
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Im very specific and pedicular about who I should be around to feel safe; I need or want specific people at high frequency level of decency; the problem is; I cant be around anything less; and I was throwing myself around others that were never qualitied to be around me in the first place; they did not have my values; They did not have values. it was like becoming friends with a snake; I got bit. But I got bit because they did not recognize me as their own kind. I truly mean it when I say I was a complete stranger to these people; I was going up to strangers and throwing myself on them making them want me or love me and when they stabbed me and throw me away; they spit in my face; gathered there things and walk away; They never liked me; asked me into there lives in the first place.
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They were complete strangers; they were not my friends. They did not care; nor think about me nor care; they had there own families and friends. I was not invited. ANd I took that against them; but what I didnt realize; I was never invited in the first place.
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I WAS NEVER INVITED IN THE FIRST PLACE:
I was going up to strangers and inviting myself into there lives and it never worked; I mean; at some point they just left. I was like; " YOU CANT DO THAT; YOU CANT LEAVE" " YOU CANT DO THAT TO ME". I acted as if we had a relationship; when we didnt... THey never invited me in to there lives; why would they; they didnt know me; had never seen me before. I just wanted what they had so I was going to go take it. I wanted something for nothing and I was going to go take it from them; they had an over flow of goods that I wanted and so I was going to show up at there house and steal my part of it; why not; why should they have all of it. Not fair! THey had love; friendship and family... Why couldnt they just share it with me.
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If I wanted the life I wanted; I had to go steal it.. or move in on it.
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THe problem was; no GOD!
IF I had been working with GOd; an honest pathway would have been built from GOd and I would have gone in Gods direction; who knows who would have shown up.
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I didnt understand that others were not trying to reach out to me; outside there homes to get there needs met through me; they were fine without me; I was not. ANd I was mad as hell about it and I was going to take it out on the world; the world owed me; But it didnt work; For; the people I infringed on were strangers; they were not bad people at all; they were polite but complete strangers; so; saying they were bad people that owed me was not correct. THe problem was; I was going to the elite in society and that didnt work; I was not wanted there... And that devastated me... I had gone to the wrong neighborhood and the wrong doorway to beg for my emotional connection-food; One might say! I was always looked at as a beggar and nothing more; right from the start. And all of this happened because I was hitting the wrong neighborhoods; THese were not the right people for this... I needed to wake up;
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Im just now starting to wake up!
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I liked this free cheap comfort. I actually sat back and enjoyed my fantasy while around these people; suddenly they tired of me and switched there attitudes about me and decided life would be better if I left and never returned; I had a false sense of security with these people; and I learned a most horrible lesson. I thought I would be there friend for ever n ever or in some cases; marry them because GOd put us together; not so! I was dumped like a stranger.. Because to them; I was a stranger; I never told them how I felt; I never asked them to marry me; and I never made a pass at them; I coward down or rejected them out of insecurity; I wanted them but pushed them off me.. but secretly wanted them; THey tried everything they could to get me to ask them out; but I wouldn't. The problem I had; they were not very understanding; and suddenly they made fun of me in front of there parents; with there mothers laughing at me as if I was a weakling; I was stunned and shocked. My problem was abuse; long term PTSD CPTSD; Dissociative disorder; being tortured and raped against my will; being basically kidnapped against my will; thrown away from a mother father house family system; neighborhood; school system; completely ruptured and destroyed; sent into survival mode alone from that that day on ward at 9 years old. ANd these people were laughing in my face as if I were a coward.
I just gave up. I gave up; I walked away; I never wanted to associate with that person ever again or anyone like them. Ever! I wanted to die more then anything else in the world; leave this crummy planet and never return; I had been betrayed from every angle and direction on all subjects of life. I just wanted to kill myself; to rest for ever; I was so ruptured; I could not use my mind anymore.. Nothing; no strength anymore; no support; nothing...
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SO; if I feel Im better then and worth more; I have to turn to GOd and allow God to create the pathway to the right destination and stay out of the rest. Thats what Im trying to do right now.
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New information on how to handle the past; some personalities of the past. ITs been confusing. I know I wasn't liked; I know they had no conscious or very little. I know I was dilutional and should never have been around those people; and I know it was embarrassing for me because they were not my friends; I forced myself upon them out of insecurity... they did not want me nor want to be my friend; they never asked to be my friend; I was a perfect stranger that showed up at there doorsteps; and its more then one person and their family. However; they opened the door at first because I had procured the correct introduction documents; one might say; I was invited by a son or a brother because I had a relative that knew their relative. Or I was so young; I met there son in first grade and went home with him and played.
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So; God is beginning to show me more of how to deal with these strangers I took emotionally hostage. I took them hostage; they did not need me and did not ask me to need them; they were fine; I was the one with the problem.
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Let me say; they were fine people; Nothing wrong with them; They wanted nothing to do with me because they never wanted anything to do with me in the first place. They were perfect strangers. Nothing wrong with this; plenty of people I see around me on the streets are cars that are not my friends; never will be; and have no reason to be.
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How do I get rid of these memories of these people from my heart, nervous system, and mind. Well; the universe is opening me to the idea that these people will be looked at from the stand point of how I looked at my mother and father.. And that stunned and shocked me a little; but I asked the universe to take me to the next level. I asked for an answer of how to get rid of these people from my life... meaning; how to forget; How do I get rid of the past. Concerning my mother and father; getting rid of any memories of importance; I wrote inventories of there role in my life and my role in my life. As I was continued to write about what they did to me or how they destroyed me; I realized they were asleep; Dead zombies; they were like serial killers; Thats all they knew. Anti social personalities. Murder's... I figured them out. I realized they could not control or change there personalities. Impossible. So; I just moved on. Nothing personal.
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Concerning the fake friends I had when young; Ill find evidence concerning them; they were incapable of ever being a friend of mine;
So; Ill pray about looking for evidence that these people were non human; non productive to my needs; no value; Nothing... Zero...
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It wasn't personal; they are not persons so how can it be personal. And there it is; thats what the universe wants me to prove; to investigate.
What does this mean; it means those memories of those people; they suddenly have no value whats so ever; nothing; their pic within my head is dead. It has nothing; just air; nothing more. No resentment or expectation; Nothing. I made a mistake... Knowing them was a mistake. Nothing personal; just turn around and drive the other direction.. Never return. And then; keep praying to a higher power for direction.
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Its all possible these people were no different then my mother and father; they may have been duplicates of my mother and father. How I treated my mother and father in the recovery process; Ill treat them.
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I know this; something resides underneath the memories of these people. My freedom resides under the memories of these people. ITs being trapped.
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I can feel the laziness. I can feel a place I would just be lethargic and sleep; its a place of unreality; active unreality where I was put to sleep; and if I wake up from focusing on these people; It will be exposed that one more area of my life is lethargic slothful useless loser like un successful but much worse; bum and or poverty stricken because I love pleasure more then I do work; work that would gain me something. And Ill have to look at that. Of course work problems are related to PTSD severe and dissociative disorder; its brooding death fear I put in a strait jacket over.
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A few new things
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First; Im a goal creator with my higher powers help; co creating my life with the universe; For a while now; Ive been on the upswing. Ive been working diligently slowly moving forward; slowly up ward. Whats important about this; many things; the most important; Im not going backward; Im healing and slowly moving forward and setting goals all along the way; slowly strengthening my upward mobility.
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TODAY;
Was offered a social experience through one of the groups; took it; Outside; food; lots of people; 3 day event; 12 step group outing in other city/town. I spent a few hours at this place.
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POSITIVES
One main important aspect; First; as I was standing in line for the food; all outside under tents; I moved to a table; while I was sitting at a table with others; socially; I began to tell the universe to help me develop socially and began to create platforms in my imagination; these are stepping stones; reach or walk 10 of them slowly in First person POV in my head; See it in my mind and at the 10th step or platform; I jump up to a FINISH platform; where I win; crowd is cheering me on; balloons; music; announcer standing next to me telling me and everyone; I've one; I'm the winner; backboards in the stadium all of my name printed on them with winner on top... Im jumping up and down screaming in happiness; the crowd has gone wild. This goal is about being social.
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If I work with the universe concerning becoming social; its possible; its possible through goal setting and the other recovery emplacements I have. If I want it bad enough.
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Positives; I said hello to several people. I opened up to the women across from me in the line to eat; atho I did come with a friend from the meetings.
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I saw a table to sit at and a few people I knew and they came over and said hello. I ask if I could sit at there table; YES... So; I was in!
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NEGATIVES:
Said hello to a few people that were not so keen on seeing me; they dont respect me much; Good to know; a little shocking; but Im tuff to all of this 2 faced behavior; nothing new under the sun.
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So; I made it; I came home.
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NEXT IMPORTANT EVENT;
I Was watching a vid; youtube; young business guys selling business furniture... Had there own channel kind of thing; Desk chairs; computer chairs and such; best for 2022 and stuff.
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I noticed something very important; I felt like one of them. I felt that age and I felt more mature and present and clean cut. I felt it; I felt where they were at; and they were business people cleaned up; working; sharply dressed in open kind of clothing for the vid they were creating.
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I felt like one of them. This is more then good; This is society; And its suggesting I felt comfortable at that level in society. That is way beyond where I thought I would be on my own; a level of independent thought.
Im twice there age. And have been disabled from reality for a very long time. The only time I remember ever being able to relate to something like this was at age 8...
After my defenses went up I related to nothing in society and I was in so much pain and emotional distress; I could no longer function.
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FIrst is music goals. the goal is to write my own music; practice it; memorize it; perform it.
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Next is;
SOCIAL GOALS; So; Im much closer to having goals for social development in the outside world and I believe this can happen. I would say; this is going to be allot of work; this wont be easy; but I have goals; higher power; 12 step groups; success based thinking processes. Can I over come the problems Ive had.
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I did start to shut down at the outside event today; to many people; to much PTSD problems but I held my own and I was aware of what was going on. And by practicing goals in my head about social; I knew if I kept this up; at some time in the future; I will be able to create a basic functional lay out for being social in a manner working with my higher power that suits me. I believe this. Im starting to believe I can do many things. However, Im fully aware of how hard it is. I have to break goals down into 10 steps and many times break a step into 10 steps and strengthen that pathway over n over n over and work with the universe.
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A friend told me a few days ago; He learned to show up and take chances and if its meant to be its meant to be; I really liked this; it gives one permission to take chances and not worry about the outcome. I mean; I can always try again in new situations as much as I like until I hit the bullseye...
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So; there it is.
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WEIGHT LOSE; \
A big big problem right now.
I know that when Im up to speed with myself and Im at that goal of weight loss; and when Im ready; up to speed; Ill want to lose it immediately; Weight problems are just getting in my way... However, Ive got to be up to higher levels of reality; and be up to speed up to the moment of my life...
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Im all grufted out; I look like a street bum older cave man with long grey hair and beard cool G sun classes. I look like a piano player in a blues band. Cloths; if there ever washed; same clothing over n over... I truly look like someone you don't want to date your mother or grandmother or aunt... I look like a bum; ON PURPOSE!
I like being in Cognito in my recovery process. When other areas of my life; all the ducks get into a row and Ive lost all the weight I want to lose; the social aspects are back in my life and my music ability to perform is back; Ill start working on wardrobe and slowly cleaning up again; right now I could care less. And the people that actually like me still like me. I wash my cloths; once in a while.
THats enough for now.
Our partner
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