July 2025
June 2025
First love; some more words; I had the impression she wanted to be loved but not by me because I was broke. It was a matter of cultural and social conditioning. She thought she was better than me; So; I was looking for someone who was better than me so I could prove I was just as good and this was in response to my mothers conditioning; trauma bond. So; this is a good indication of how broken down I was getting from my mothers destruction and control toward me. This was a psychopath and they see anyone and all people who come close to them to be in their person realm and control regardless. They think they are above the law no matter what in all cases. The only answer is to never associate with them ever again.
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So; I have to get to a place that I become the kind of person that never associates with those people ever again. I leave them knowing what they really are and never go back.
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Im in that phase of seeing things correctly and becoming the kind of person that responds to that and moves on from it leaving a false past and false people behind.
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Im having a problem making that transition. Seeing what these animals were or are and moving on from them; standing up to them and moving on from them.
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So; Im getting it.
As for my first love; its the same thing; I didnt think I was good enough.. And I didnt deal with that; that came from my mother. I didnt think it came from my first love; but later I noticed my first love started acting that way toward me like she was to good for me or she had found out I was not good enough for her; why? why did she think that? I started showing signings of cracking up from my environment; and this was a form of weakness to someone like my first love and I was so sad; but she was not trained for that.. And suddenly I realized she was from an upper middle class situation and didnt know I was not. I felt less then and not good enough while around her and I pulled back and she didnt care. She saw it and me as weakling. When in reality I was in real trouble. But she didnt care; and I think thats getting close to what Im looking for in these writings; how did she really feel about me and can I face that. She didnt care about me when she got the chance; was I suppose to chastise her for that; some how; the answer is no because we were not together yet.. I was kind of a stranger just going to her house after school. I meant nothing to her... I mean; I didnt mean anything to her yet. The problem is; she had plenty of time to assess the situation to decide the value of the situation; and she came up with nothing; shallowness; the plaque of women of the 20th century... just habitual levels of shallowness to the point of verging on no conscious. And I realized; this was just another enemy. And their it is; she was my enemy. And that means; she was my enemy from the start; from the first day; the first second. So; what am I doing around my emend; Well; was I not trained to be around my enemy; I was trauma bonded by my mother. I felt trapped or forced under my enemy; like they had control of me.
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OK; so; my first love; I actually snuck up to a rich girls house and tried too get in. tried to make my way into her heart and it didnt work. The question is; why was I trying to do this with this person; this was the wrong person; this was a sociopath; what was I doing. And that is extremely important... No win.. no way to win here; impossible.
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So; here's the problem I deal with now and dealt with then; I think Im hot and better then others. I think Im stuck up and rightfully so; I think Im just as good or better then; like Im rich or from a rich family; like Im better then and just as good with contempt; Im conceded.. and I went up to this girls house to prove it. Im just as good; but it didnt work. No one bought it. I was thrown out. And I felt sad.. But some how I deeply really liked her for real but it didnt matter. It didnt matter to nobody and I didnt want to live anymore because I didnt matter to nobody.
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Im still dealing with this today... the same scenario played out over n over n over. And so this scenario Im trying to break. And im trying to get more honest about it.
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So; Im learning... Whats really going on here that I cant face.
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I fell for a girl; but that girl didnt exist; but not just because she was 2 good for me; but because she literally didnt exist because that girl was actually a sociopath. And their was nothing their; nothing to work with; and its the most horrible of humiliations...
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Here is another example of humiliation of the nature Im speaking of. One time while working; Many people came up to my window... I was working at a store; deli kind of thing. A young women was staring at me from a bit of a fare... She was about 20 feet back.
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For about 20 minutes this young women was staring at me from 20 feet back. I began to fantasize about her; having her as my girlfriend. She was cute. And she was looking at me.
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Finally a women came to the front of the window and pulled the young women with her. When I got a good look at the young women; I realized something; She was brain dead; the older women holding her hand was a case manager for her from one of the local agencies; This girl was retarded; completely; no brain. could not speak or make any sounds accept moaning... So; I had delusion'd that I had a girlfriend and she turns out to be someone incapable of human functioning; she was never staring at me; she was staring at everything. I was aghast... My God I was thinking those thoughts about a retard... a retarded girl. I abruptly stopped and kept my self to my self.. Unbelievable. However, in this story we see that a mistake was made. I made a mistake. I made a mistake. I made a mistake here. A big mistake.
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When dealing with my first love; I made a mistake here; their was no first love; And I have to write about that as well; break that down as well; because their could be no first love or any love; that girl was a sociopath. Impossible to have a relationship with or any kind of interaction. So I lost on both counts.
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So; all of this is a pride thing... And a bigger picture of horror and confusion; I was using the wrong people for my fantasies; meaning my mother and this girl up the street.
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My mother didnt turn out to be a mother and I could not live with that. And why would I; I had a break down as I should have; no young human being can withstand something like that.
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I found the same situation with the best friend I had growing up; no such possibility to have that person as a friend; he was not the material for such things and I should have walked away. Why was I their. I was trying to prove something; that I could survive; I could go outward and meet new people and survive; However, it would all end in failure; it was doomed to start with. no chance... but I didnt know that.
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Im trying to look at these things now and get to the truth. And Ill continue to work on them until Im at a the truth.
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At some point I have to let go; but that only happens when Im sure nothing existed... Its happened with my best friend or false fake best friend but for some reason not with the first girl I loved. but its getting closer.
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I think the problem with the first girl I loved; I needed her to play that roll; I needed that roll in my life.
I still need it or Im not over what happened their nor have I been able to deal with it or the innocent child in me letting it go because secretly I wanted it or needed it; I needed someone to love me so badly; I still do and have never been able to let it go because its like a security blanket for me and one of identity; that is my worth or my identity. Im worth it; Im worth going through that experience; but in reality; no real experience happened because I was not good enough for them. they never allowed it to happen. and that sent another message that I was not good enough. And this goes back to being stuck with my mom.
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So; getting over my mom; working through the realities that there never was a mom And how to handle that. And THIER IT IS. Thats part of this; There never was a mom... And how to deal with this and accept this. And my early life was a lie. nothing was real; it didnt matter where I lived; I was being faked out.
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Their was no mom. No DAD. No nothing; they were just ruthless manipulators; unscrupulous... No conscious... sadistic predators... But when I was young; they had full control of a human being. As soon as I started school; no one cared; nothing.
The problem I had at home; their was no home; no one cared; and I had no mother and I was in a state of anxiety to the point of not being able to study or do well in school; and it will get worse. No one cares; its almost like Im just hangout out their at that home. Im living without doing anything. Im not apart of anything.
I remember when I was 10; I was like a 5 year old who was still hiding in television shows.
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I remember when I was 5-6-7-8 hiding in television shows; I know it was not normal; it was all I had because I was calling the shots of my life. And that is wrong and not normal; 5 year olds are not suppose to wonder outside to find all new friends alone.
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In the old days a kid could wonder all over the neighborhood all through the night... You would be fine.. I used to sneak outside and walk around all night when I was 7 or 6 or 8 years old.
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I never got any of the training I thought I would get when I was 6-7-8-9 years old. I watched it on Television; I saw my friends get the training; but I never did... I never got anything; zero; it was like I had never been born but I didnt understand or know that.
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The problems I was having were from fatigue from the stress of living in the house I was living in because no one was looking after me... I didnt know that at the time. There was no daily person looking after me. I thought their was; but their wasnt.
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Finally at some point; They were going to sell the house and me with it.
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The first girl I loved;
Heres another angle. I really liked her. I dont think she had ever been liked by anyone before. I adored her and finally loved her. I liked her. But never got a chance with her. And Im not sure she was ever who she claimed to be when I first met her. After the first month; things changed. But; When I met her; That next day she wanted me to stay the night. I have this feeling her father was doing things to her. Maybe not... Maybe she just liked me. I dont know.
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I dont like people who dont appreciate things.. When I was around her; she did not stop and think about my value. She thought about her own insecurities and thats all; but not my value; I mean; I dont think she missed me; I think she missed the attention I gave her; Those are 2 different things.
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I did like her and if I had made a pass at her I may have gone out with her and made her my girlfriend But ya know; she may have dumped me later but I never knew she was that kind of person. But I waited and she turned into that kind of person around me. Within months she was not a nice person... And she did not care about me; something was bizarre. I mean; I could go back up to her after ignoring her for 2 months and walk right back into her life and start acting like I was interested again; I missed her; but she did not miss me; thats the major problem.. RED FLAG...
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There were strange red flags. I wanted her to be the kind of person that missed me; she was not and I didnt think I was in trouble being around her; little did I know... I learn my lesson. She had no conscious. I think by giving her attention it showed I liked her and she responded to it... As if she had feelings; but later would turn into a sociopathic personality.
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The point of all of this is having two say goodbye to her because? and thats what Im looking for; was it legitimate or not. Was it her or me... Or it was just tragedy... I mean; she didnt turn out to be who I thought she was and I had to go... nothing to stay for.. and so I was in love with who I thought was there; but then she changed into something different and I got the hell out of their...
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feeling strong enough to take on my own problems and create solutions for them; that means; its like coming from a safe place to address problems; feeling safe. Healing.... kind of; not used to it but it is happening... So; hopefully I will be careful and trust God. It's about not being in a house hold and having to fend for myself; Ive never been in a house you might say since the age of 8 years old. I was in one at age 9; but that doesnt count; they started to Destroy me so I was not safe; it was over by then. Since then; no safe place. I tried to made the 12 step groups safe but it only goes so far... to many sociopaths want to get in my face if I get to out of control. And it these specific groups are dealing with drugs and alcohol. Not all of them do; but the ones that do; I have to watch myself or Ill get called on... and I have... so; keep working with God on things...
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The fact is; the person was a criminal minded person with no conscious; thats what I walked into. And at first I got the little girl that wanted to be loved... But; the real other person started coming out. And much later; she was nothing but a rich sociopath... It was unbelievable. I didn't even exist; the person thought she was above me and everyone else... It was just horrible. Worse then horrible... I felt so deplorable for ever liking her.. Like I had been fooled; I mean; I was drawn into a fake nest... the whole thing was fake from the start and I didnt know it. And I didnt know someone would try to fake me out...
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So; its deplorable and horrible. Theres no way of knowing who or what that really was. It almost seems like I was taken seriously for a while then dropped... and the person turned back into a bad person when I was around her as if she was superior and I was a nothing; almost like I was someone who worshiped her.. and I mean that; thats how she acted; like I was one of her followers that worshiped her. Thats who I was trying to make as a friend? And that means I was being completely fooled the whole time; and thats what bothers me and I hate the most about this story... I never woke up... I feel dumb... used; I never saw any of it.
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Wasnt the first time; the best friend I had when young; the fake friend; he did the same thing; he was the same exact kind of person; identical... How or why I met these people I dont know.
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The problem with the girl was; I loved her or fell in love with her. Maybe that was how she did it; to fool guys; or people. In my case; I was kind of love bombed or led on; groomed and led on and I fell for it and so she played it and played it.
The problem was; The kind of person she wanted to date; More n more I could see I wasnt it. She was looking for something completely different then me; something solid and strong and evil. I mean; something the opposite of me. and I was like; the opposite of me would be someone dishonest evil and corrupt and violent and ...... The list goes on n on. And its this kind of writing
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SO; its possible I was used; I mean; completely fooled and lied to from the start and never knowing it; I just wanted a nice person as a friend and then a girlfriend. A nice girl. I just dont know. I dont know what happened. basically I didnt respond to her and I was out. It didnt matter how many more times I showed up. The other problem was; she did not recognize me as a nice person.
You can marry someone for money or someone God sends you. I guess God didnt send me...
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God never sent me to her; thats the problem. I try to blame her but I had to go into another direction; that was not it. That was the direction of a mindless person that just allowed himself to float where ever... and I ended up at the wrong door step.
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Im a decent person; thats why Im still affected by all this. The girl Im talking about lost any interested within the first week I suppose. Ill never know... sickening.
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But theirs a problem when I blame her. if I didnt blame her for the resentments; and all that falls on me; then what would I write. Ill try that...
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First love;
I wasnt wanted; Thats the killer aspect of it; but I am using those words; and its those words that kill. And I didnt expect that to happen. I mean; the reality is; someone led me on to turn on me. Thats closer to the truth of it. it was fake. and I was faked out and had no idea someone was faking me out from the start; but they were.
I really liked her. I really liked being around her. And thats where she played the cards on me.. Thats whats she noticed and worked on. She was playing me every time I came up to her house or called her... it was all a set up and a game... I never expected... never even thought about it. I was a lamb to the slaughter for real.
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I wasn't wanted; thats what this is all about; I could not defend or fix that; I was defeated by it... I was never wanted in the first place just someone building a game against me; their true colors were never shown.
One area of humiliation is; How could I. I could I have been so dumb or naive. How... to go in that deep or that fair without even questioning anything. I felt safe around her? Is that true? or; was someone playing me... Pure evil is what it was. a complete act. I had no idea what was going on. They did.
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And I should write more on how they knew what they were doing. And when I found out it was all fake and she was not even safe to associate with; it was another break down. Another mental break down.
And all the deep feelings I had were just air. I was just played and it made all of those feelings; made me look selfish immature and stupid. And thats what it was for.
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SO; IM getting closer to solving this;
1. I wasnt wanted
2. I was not who I thought I was and it was proven to me in the most horrible way possible. I was around a stranger I had no business being around and I got destroyed being around the wrong people. Something like that.. I had no business being up at that house.
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