July 2025
June 2025
This blog is very long.
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As for my first love who lived up the street; the point of rehashing all of this over n over is when I find a new women who lives up the street; one God brings me; I do not want to ever handle it the way it was handled; the way I handled it like a master manipulator. I deceived someone and I didnt get away with it. I got caught... And exposed; I became chicken and ran away. I actually had someone who loved me or liked me and I through it away.
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I could not tell the person how I felt or what was happening or going on and what I wanted from her or what she meant to me. I never told her what she meant to me. I never told her what she meant to me...
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In the end she later said I meant nothing to her... And I could see that at a later date by her behavior; And that shook me and shocked me while I saw it. How could I have liked her and she didnt like me... why did she give me a chance in the first place; or maybe she never did... It was arrogant of me to really think she accepted me the way she did...
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The point is; the more I work on this and get to the bottom line; the more sanity returns to me from my dissociative condition; altho this stuff is very long; the writing; it all helps to relieve pressure and come to some realities of what Im facing now... The goal is to come together within myself and heal... And try to accept what really happened in my life and with this person who I loved... Maybe I was arrogant in the first place thinking this person could ever like me. Maybe she didnt and I just thought she did more then she let on... Ill find out what the truth is... I want my sanity back..
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Good chance that the problem was; I was trash... I simply was not at this personal economic level and she began to see this and pull away or she had already saw this and pulled away from the beginning but I never noticed it; I was to full of myself... And she just looked down at me Thinking she was better... I will find out... Ill keep writing off line and in this place. and ill go do more writing on this now. my writing is starting to open up some solid findings these days and I think Ill continue to write off line...
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1. The girl up the street and her intentions and reactions
2. Her; reacting to me by laughing at me; her and her mom; thinking I was immature and weak; and " Hes Not A Man!";
3. Women abusing me to the point that I could not get near them physically ever again... Dissociative disorder... This means setting me up when younger to destroy my life by destroying the anchor points of my existence. Doing when when I was young; a boy; and had to depend on the world around me to survive because I did not know anything... And I was completely fillet'd/destroyed. I was attacked at ages where I was just beginning to grow and needed parents; I was completely lost; I mean; I needed them the whole time anyway... It was calculated... thought out; planned out... to Destroy children. It wasnt just one women; it was several... And this destroyed my ability to get close to women ever again.. It was no different then being raped and not being able to get close to the human race because of it; being tortured over n over and or molested and raped; same affect...
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So; my dissociative disorder is also about women. I can get close to them because I was destroyed by them when young; my whole life was dismantled...
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I literally cant get close to them physically. And Im starting to understand that and see how that has played itself out in the meetings and other places ive been; gotten recovery. This is a hard area to deal with. Not sure ive ever dealt with it this close up before...
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Lets start with the girl up the street; her intentions and reactions.
First; She liked me... And I ran after her and she ran away from me and we flirted with each other the whole time naturally... She liked me and wanted me to man up and take her in my arms. I couldn't.
So; That ends the situation with the girl. I mean; it was over at that point. In reality; it was over. It lasted that day. It may be the first day I met her and that would be the last day because it was over. But I had no where to go to talk about it. to work through it; all I had was the world I had created in my mind to survive; thats all their was; nothing else. Nowhere to turn. Nothing.
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Now; looking back at it; I have a more safe area to work on this... Its not perfect... but its better or safer... I can dissect what happened.
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And so I will.
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Lets see. In general; Ill go back to the time period of being 11 and brought down the stairs and told my mother and father were getting a divorce and I had to choose who I wanted to go with. The problem was; I realized earlier that year; I had no one. all my dreams were over; these people did not care who I was and I had nowhere to go and no clue how to survive; I was 8 going on 9 years old. Ill never forget looking out the window in horror... It was all over for me; I went into state of dissociated shock; Im not sure I ever came out of it. I did not.
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my mother was a real psychopath; my father turned out to be very close behind her; a real sociopath l possible serial rapist... all cunning and planning and lying and anti social personality...But with a complete lie as a masked life to the outer world. I had no idea until I was able to see it.
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So; non of these people/monster were safe for me to be with. Giving me a choice was a joke... Either way It was over for me... I could not go with either one of them and I could not stay in the safety of my house or neighborhood; because I had lost that at the same time; that means I lost my friends; my future; my school my church; the down town area... my memories; my history; everything; all gone. No more relatives... I realized very quickly once I understood their was no real father their; I realized; non of these " Relatives" liked him either; they had just fawned him briskly let him show up for a while and then got him off their property until he would stop visiting them. They wanted him in the first place; they had gotten rid of him 20 years before; but he wouldn't take the message. He had been kicked off or kicked out of their lives and their family.... What did that mean for me; They never liked me because I was associated with him. They didnt hate me; but I mean; they did; they did not want any sent of that person on their property; never did in the first place and certainly not any family of his; they did not want him or his clan anywhere near them; because he was a stranger to them; They had their family history and it was without him... They did not want him coming back. And they didnt want me coming with him. They didnt want him or his children showing up on their property to act like close family. And I had no idea of this; non of this; it was all a scam on his part and on theirs. No one told me I wasnt wanted by my own relatives; I mean; I wasnt accepted as a relative; I had no idea; MY GoD; I would have never met those people; why would I. It broke my heart; I was just a small child; I mean; who does this to a small child; leads them on this way.... the families involved as much to blame for victimizing me as he was...Pure hatred on their part... They kept silent about it until he left. I was associated with him so I wasnt wanted either; I mean; I had no business on those strangers property. I met them when I was 4-5 years old and introduced to them and their families and houses and places and lands and such and business as if my father was close nit with his brothers... He was not; he had no relationship with his brothers; my father as a skizo psychotic... psychopath; or traits of it; kind of a sociopath with psychopathic traits... sadistic; yes; in a kind of betraying way; leaving has kids; never returning... no one else but him in the world; nothing; Like a rapist that gets caught; all they care about is the fact they got caught. Way beyond narcissism.... way beyond it. criminal minded psychopathic traits. You would never know it until his false life was uncovered that he had nothing; never did have anything and was a ruthless liar or schizophrenic kind of thing... Hmmm? Im trying to paint a picture of a Childs worst nightmare... and it was happening to me.
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I want to say; it was all planned out by these psycho's; what had happened to me. They played the whole thing out like a show or a play; But no one told me.... And they had done it before but I had no idea. My 2 other brothers had gone through it and they were ruined; They could not tell me because they were to psychotically catatonic; They were so fare gone in many ways by the time they were little boys that they were like sedated kind of; dissociated from reality... sedated... passive; they were passive... it was broken out of them; but you could not see it from the outside; these adults made sure it all looked good to the world on the outside; the problem was; It also looked good to me when very young; I mean; at 5 years old; at 4 years old... By the time im 7 years old; more hn more its showing up; my father is telling us that we can all go to hell... his wife and his children; as if he is the great victem that no one loves. I mean; I was a small child that loved my father; or the concept of a father. I had no idea the person I loved didnt exist; what existed was a planned fake masked personality of a sociopath... and this MO; the way he would lead people on when he could control them.. This was something he had been doing long before I came along. I can go on n on; I was totally broken hearted... But much worse than that.
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My survival; as a child was severed completely. They knew I would feel this; that I would feel unsafe and unable to take care of myself or survive; that is where they were attacking human kind. And I was human kind and who they were attacking; They had brought me for one reason; to play this game. They had done this to my 2 other brothers; I did not know about that. they had done this to them earlier when I was younger and they would now be doing it to me. they were tortures... and other people in the community did not want anything to do with them; but I didnt know. I was 2 young.
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So; I was set up and destroyed... And had no one; the only person I had was the dissociated state I was in; that I could think and create other worlds within me. I remember from 8 to 9; That is when the whole house hold folded in on me... suddenly no father around; my mother immediately started bringing me strange men into our house that were unsafe... alcoholics and weirdos; This was my house and my neighborhood; and my father ran the house; My mother was in her place; she could not cause any trouble or my father would be on her... She had no choice but to be a passive psychopath; she still acted out on us if she could get away with it; but that could not happen with a man around the house or she would be put in her place immediately.
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And this made it look like my father owned everything; was working; he had trucks n snow mobiles and cars and the basement was a working area where he worked on skies and wood working stuff. He skied every winter... I mean; he looked like any other guy; mowed the lawn like any other guy... put up trees in the grass; like hedges like any other married guy; we had Christmas thanks giving; Easter; church... I had friends down the street... IT was all fake... his association with his family; all fake. I was completely faked out by all of it. I thought he owned the house; I thought he owned everything.
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Then the shock of finding out later; he never really worked; he was a psychopath; and would act out at work places and they would fire him. he would turn on them; as if they were the enemy and try to destory their businesses. And the only information I got about his general life was through my mothers comments but she was lying and covering things up or using her perspective as an anti social personality... So; I never knew what was going on and they made sure of it. They knew exactly what they were doing the whole time.
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My father played the father roll. but in reality; they were no father and he owned nothing; my mother owned everything. He was no different than a kind of delinquent that was in n out of jails; an anti personality disorder. I dont like to call them that because they were nothing but criminals... I had no idea as a small child; I was being played; all of it; In reality; their was no real home or mother or father; I was an orphan; thats the reality of it; but I was never allowed to know what was really going on because they were setting me up just has they had set my brothers up. I can't describe the anger of how this kind of sadistic murder'r has the right to have children... how is this possible they can just get a hold of children to do what ever damage to them they want to. Im just now able to learn about it and maybe get some help for all of this.... My whole up bringing and young life was all faked and I never knew it... I mean; I had put stock and meaning into the relationships and friendship and schooling and future of my very young life; it meant everything to me; It was all pulled out by the roots brutally and I thrown away as if I had never been born and they made sure their was no trace of me or what they had done as if I had never lived where I lived or gone to school in that area or neighborhood or that I had had any relatives... Nothing. With the psychopath their is no past. They destroy; up root; murder; sadastically destroy and control; and suddenly move on. and all past things are gone now; right now... no past. It was as if I had never had a father; I had no father. after a curtain age I was thrown away and they moved on to other people as if I had never existed... or been born or had a life; as if they had ever met me. They acted like they owed me nothing and had never met me even when they were forced to be around me.
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oK; so; My mother was much worse than my father; I mean; I cant really call them a mother or father... no such people really ever existed. so; this women... Lied to me with no conscious and had no remorse in her actions; nothing. she acted like everything was fine when I was getting ready to be destroyed; she had always been a stranger to me.. she was forced to play act the role for my father; her at times acting like a mother... Anyway; I cant go into every detail in this writing.
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The point of all this; I was betrayed and thrown away by my mother; and had no more house to live in; no more mother or father; for them; the gig was up... They moved on to other lives... so they could use knew people and start this thing all over again... They just backed up and moved. and I was left in a great sense. They had had their fun... Thats all it was.... As soon as I turned 7 years old; it was over for me... I mean; I never had a clue who I was dealing with... And that rupturing to my personality; I was destroyed... and had been before that by my mother; but my father would not allow that because he wanted to act out this father roll fantasy... it was like he rented us kids at the rent a center; used us for a party; dressed us up to look like His children; he got to play father role; and then when the party was over; they brought us back to the store; and left us... We were put back on the shelf as rental property and never had a clue that was our real home.
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The point of all this; My mother throw me away and never wanted me from the first day; it was all convenience acting and contrived... I did not know when I was very small.. I went off and created my own life. And that is a tragedy in its own making; I was 5 years old. A five year old cant go off into the neighborhood completely alone from that point on and build a life with a bunch of stranger families in the neighborhood... I mean; it was doomed but I was so young I had no idea.
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No trust for my mother ever from the beginning of my life.
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I had a best friend who lived down the street; his mother would betray me also...
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I had a fake grandmother; she was the mother of my mother; so;' let the reader understand... My Grand parents created this monster... my mother... what does that tell you about them. I wont got into the details; I had to live with them; I was raped and molested and destroyed; I had no boundaries or right; could not put a lock on the door at night; could no longer sleep anymore out of fear of waking up and having a grown man standing next to me at 4 or 3 o'clock in the morning... no safety... nothing. and many more things; let the reader use their own common sense of what these monsters are capable of. So; by this time im completely destroyed at a different more sinister level...
Im tortured basically by all this; no one cares; no more parents no more school; new neighborhood... Im in a state of catatonic shock. Im being bulling in this new neighborhood...
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all my personal rights; I have non nor over my own body anymore; nothing; im like a captive who was kidnapped from his home... for good.
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My grand mother allowed me to be molested... And other things; she was a strange sychophant. She was a sociopath of a kind... weirdo... criminal minded; meaning no conscious... Its hard to describe these types; brutal monsters of their own nature because they are so sinister... I was fed and clothed but I was treated like an animal with no rights to even myself... and much worse.
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So; by the time Im destroyed by these people; I can no longer function around anything or anyone; I had no boundaries; I didnt even know what they were... and it was like being assaulted several times a day or at night over n over n over on n on on;; thats all life was; being assaulted over n over over... no way to protect myself. Nothing.
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And other things I've been through; and the women were monsters; so it got to the point I could no longer get near people; dissociative disorder and severe PTSD; I could not get near anyone... I could not; so I could not get near women; impossible. Im speaking from a psychotic point of view. And mentally ill point of view.
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I read about a women that was raped so many times they could never go into a bed room ever again. She could not sleep anymore nor be in a bed and could never go near men ever again; she could not; she did not have a choice; it was her nervous system protecting her; and that is dissociative disorder; its impossible; ones inner nervous system will pull them back to protect them from being tortured again.
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So; I could not be near women or anyone else. But I could not get near them for personal relationships...
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When I was forced to go live with my mother in a new city; That is when I met the girl up the street; right after all this. and I been getting billed severely; almost stalked in the school systems and no one cared. and I was destroyed in the 6th grade because I was moved to a horrible place; a new city where I cant even remember that year; nothing; im not allowed to; within my nervous system... I was forced to have to go live with my grandparents... who turned out to be worse.. and then I had to escape from them... and later I would end up at my original best friends house and their family and they turn out just as bad in their own judgmental way.... I realized I had never really had a best friend and his mother was a witch who did great damage to me; set me up and pulled the rug out from under me; trying to treat me like I was from a zoo and less than; I was gas lit all the time... meaning; the narcissistic game playing kind of thing... the whole time; I never new; I hd no friends their. nothing; I was hated and despised; I had no idea..
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So; As a teenager im living with my mother in a new city and I meet this girl up the street. I have all this horror and anger and rage and fear and terror and long term PTSD. In fact; Im wondering how I could have ever made it up to that persons house in the first place.
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I had no therapy; no one cared about me or what happened to me... nothing. I only ended up at peoples houses because I was under age and the state would have found out; my mother would have been in trouble. So; she cleverly set it up to look like I was simply bored or not functioning in new environments and wanted to leave to something new; she never took any responsibility for anything; and she would go to new cities looking for new men to manipulate; usually weak men with educations she could live off of; set up; the way a psychopath does... I wasnt wanted; I was old baggage from another marriage way in the past..
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I had no idea any of this was going to happen to me.. .I had no one. nothing; no help; no one cared who I was; I was a nameless faceless shadow; a ghost person; my life; whether on this planet or not meant nothing to anyone anywhere in including teachers or neighborhood people I had once knew; they where all glad to get rid of me... I had no idea..
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When dealing with psychopaths they will bring in or attract other psychopaths.. Things will never get better with or around psychopaths; they want to kill; that is their only goal; They incircle their pray with the intent to murder it; They get off on it; they are sadistic murder's and its a thrill ride for them and they will stay silent and wait until an opportunity shows itself for them to rush in and destroy... they wait like predators for the opportunity; and all things are an opportunity for them to kill in one form or another and if they can get a hold of innocent people; they will bind torture and Destroy every aspect of life surrounding that victim. Think of a serial killer... They have no problem kidnapping; having their way with the victim; then discarding the victim or discarding the evidence... They are in human monsters... They always are the same. One psychopath is the same as the other... the same kind of intent...
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SO; At some point;' Im up around this girl; the girl who lives up the street. And she likes me. But when its time to get physically close to her; I cant; I simply cant... And I cant budge when it comes to showing love or any kind of emotion at that level. Nothing. And instead of help me; She and her mother a few weeks later are laughing at me... making me feel like a fool that cant perform; Like Im not a real man... and Im written off. I go into shock. I thought she liked me and I thought she would help me.
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So; she did like me I suppose like a normal girl would like a normal guy; but she was shallow. and ya know; I mean; how could she be any different than that... Why would she have a clue on who I was or what was wrong with me.
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What was sad for me; I really liked her and liked being around her but I could never associate with someone like that ever again or a family system that would laugh at someone like myself who was in trouble who had been abused; I could never got around people like this again; it was the beginning of the end. And she would change; begin to show less and less respect for me and treat me like I was a little friend of no significance... More n more I meant nothing to her; and I just watched and stayed passive and on the outside of things; I was checking her out; her behavior to see if she was safe or not. In the end she was not. she had no interest in finding out what the real truth was with me. she was spoiled and didnt need to...
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I thought she would be my wife. I saw the beginning potential for it; I fell in love with her and was destroyed at the same time; completely in shock when I found out what she was really like.
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Let the reader understand; who ever gets this fare in this reading blog; Im not really blaming the girl for being a girl; a regular girl in a family... She had her problems; but she was not trained to deal with me or someone like me. But;; I thought; if she liked me she would not treat me this way. and so it led to only one conclusion; and I would have to do more interacting with her from a distant stance; to find out if she simply didnt want me. And she didnt. and maybe never did. And maybe never really; non of this ever really got past the first few hours of meeting her because I could not follow through with her... but she didnt care why. And I will not tolerate that kind of person; I dont want that type of person anywhere near my precious life.
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However; The point is; did she do something wrong! Well; she wasnt even shallow concerning culture in general; she was average normal. The sad part was; I couldn't break into a new family system; I was to far gone; I was to alien to them; they had no idea who I was or how to treat me or handle me... And I knew it. And so I left... I just kind of ghosted away... no one cared; and she didnt seem to care.
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However; I have told the truth; not completely.
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She never turned on me first; I turned on her... And she did not know why and I never told here; and she finally gave up on me. And I was mad at her for not trying harder; trying to find out the truth about me so I could learn to trust her... and thus I never trusted her ever again. I saw her as the enemy and she played out that roll. every chance I gave her to prove to me she was someone that could or might want to go the extra mile to find out what happened to me or who I really was; I was just laughed as as a weakling.
At one point I finally called her and asked her if she wanted to study together or get come over; she said no; I said nothing; just goodbye; I gave no emotion or strength nor did I try to talk to her or talk her into anything; she had to accept me as I was. And after finding out I had problems; she choose to look at me as someone with a weak character or as a weakling and nothing more; she never asked anymore questions; she never tried to find out what the truth was... And she finally wrote me off completely as if I had never existed and I never got near her ever again... I was devastated and heart broken... At first; it seemed we got along so well together; like soulmates. I felt betrayed again.
But it aint so; She never betrayed me. I betrayed her first and never came back and that broke her. and broke her out of ever trusting me again and than when I did show up again it wasnt the same; but that is not entirely true either; she had the chance to find out the truth; I mean; if I had any value to her she would at least try.
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So; I set out to see if I had any value to her; And I found out; NONE. I really meant nothing to her;; she saw no value in me and I was devastated beyond human existence... I loved being around her; just sitting with her. But could never get near her ever again.
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So; Im mastermindedly manipulating the reader a bit.
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In reality; all I had to do was tell her what was going on; thats what she was waiting for; but I never did and she slipped through my fingers and was gone... She gave me a chance.
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My problem was; why did she slip through my fingers and she was gone; why didnt she at least try harder to understand people have massive problems... did I not mean anything to her; NO; I guess not! That means she never really saw me at a deeper level the way I saw her... she could take me or leave me. I could not just keep her or get rid of her. I loved her but I was in trouble inside... brutal amounts... Im shocked I had not shot myself by this time or committed suicide simply by what I had been through.
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But the realty was; I was dealing with a young women... And I mean; she was a women; she was emotional. And I never told her how I felt. I left her... I never told her anything. So; she Was neglected and thrown away.. But after that I saw what she was really like... and I thought; theirs nothing there. I wont go after someone like this; forget it... not after seeing what she was really like. But I loved the person I first met... but I cannot love someone that spoiled; to much...
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I often ask God why any of that horror happened.... In the end I was not suppose to go in that direction in the first place or be around that person in the first place; I was suppose to try to get somewhere where I could get help; follow God; And I guess their must have been a way I guess but I didnt see it... I was trapped again with no one who cared about me or what happened to me....
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I tried to get close to this girl and she didnt want me.... And thats closer to the truth of it... She thought I was trash and moved on.. But I wasnt trash; I was a sensitive person. It wasnt my fault I was abused.
Im so sick of these kinds of people.. sick of them. and I later learned to never go near them if possible never again; why would I; its a waist of time. But she wasn't a waist of time; I didnt follow through... and thats what caused this to start with... she Was still on my side. But then I saw what she Was really like and could Neve be around someone the had no respect for anything; nothing.
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But who am I suppose to go near... I felt all of society was a joke. where do I fit in..
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And I was not functioning in the school system; never had because of dissociative disorders. So; I had no future and no career; nothing. I never told her this... And that is what I was coward about. maybe she could have helped me.. maybe she would have; but I never had guts to tell her anything; I was a coward; to chicken for that; I chickened out and never told her and in a real way she was suddenly off the hook.. I could not blame her for anything... I was the one acting like the criminal; I had turned the situation in a manipulate way on its head; turning her into the bad buy and me into the innocent victim; when; their wasnt any problems in the first place. I was just chicken to tell her how I felt about her... or to even go through with this. but looking at my back ground. I needed someone on my side from my side of things and I had no one and would Neve be able to have the strength to tell someone anything bout my feelings considering what I came from.
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I was mad at her for not at least trying to seek out the truth a bit; but she never did; she just wrote me off as if I was non important and moved on. When in reality; she would have been my wife and my best friend; and could have been... I guess not....
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