July 2025
June 2025
THings are changing; are they; if I choose for it to happen.
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One area of changing; do I believe in holding on to the past that I loved so much more missed; Im talking about certain people. NO!~
Im beginning to wake up. The issue is; if the people I miss so much are so important; why didnt I ever see them again. Well; I was being used or set up. Its happened more then once. the problem is; I honestly thought those people were it; They wanted me; they had to have me; we were o so close and meant for each other. THey played that innocent role; sickening; yes; no rules; not for them; they get to do what ever they want to anyone any way they want; any time they want. I just never saw it. Its o so humiliating to accept this. and this is what happened. I was being lied to from the very start; thats what they do. WHy or how did I ever find myself in that situation; anger and arrogance at the same time.
I turned a bad person into a good person; of course; this is going to be blinding and horrible when I get turned on; because I never saw it coming.
Again; How did I ever find them.; I found them. And I decided it was fait. I decided GOd has brought them; and we were matched; a perfect match. I doubt it. of course I thought it was great for me; thats because they were faking it. and I was led on to think they liked me; when they never did. And thats important because some times thats what a person is dealing with; a fake. ANd one has to protect themselves from that.
I end up destroyed for the rest of my life; when in real life; no one there even liked me or cared about me; I was just being used; they had no interest in me and no feeling for me and no morals or conscious. And one has to look out for themselves. It never occurred to me. I should have ran. But a sense of innocence by the other person; and that is all fake; A murder'r is the same. I mean; they have no conscious; nothing. THey dont miss anyone if they never see me ever again; they are fully aware of leading me on and watching me while there doing it and it makes them feel in control destroying people. Also and most importantly; they cant ever have a relationship; THey are brutal remorseless opportunists.
I made the mistake being a nice person ever associating with monsters like this.
And so Im at this point; a hardened earned point of view that this person or anyone like them are worthless and scary and must go. Its not easy at first; later; its not that hard getting rid of there memories because I was just being used by a monster and theres just so long that I can ignore all this and finally working with God; GOd would not NOt allow someone back into my life if they are a decent person; thats why they are not; they never saw any value in me because they dont have value. And thats the problem; I was like a broken innocent child looking for a family; and they wernt it; I was being set up an dumped. And taht is hard to deal with; thank God Ive done enough work to say goodbye. They can leave; I get it; Ive been so drowned from all of this I got it; I was wrong; It was a mistake; I was mistaken. OKe; I accept it and move on.
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So; Post moving on; thats where Im headed now. Its purdy good; not perfect; but its working. believable.
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Whats the goal now; The goal is to ask the question; What do I want? Like; What do I want to do right now; What would make life cool right now; what would I be doing.
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Now; because of the past abuse; Im freaked out by this; thats why I work with God slowly to relearn how to trust. Thats going to take a long line of work. ;
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So; Im beginning the beginning process have coming out of the past; not believing the devil anymore. Moving beyond. Moving beyond. Moving on.
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Im much stronger about it for it these days; it takes a kind of courage. It means nothing worked out from any movement in my childhood; So; I remember a part or moment in my childhood; I hold on to that. ANd with Gods help I start over or maybe accepting its for the first Im in a new direction; the direction God wanted me in in the first place. I dont want to feel alone. So; its not easy; any of this. I have to work with God not to be alone. This is where Im at right now. Its hard. That horrible feeling of being completely alone.
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What I have to do is work through this so Im a little more confident in the present dealing with all this; I assume with Gods help; all of this is going to happen for I can already see it. I mean; starting over again in the present with stuff and people I want to associate with. Or; with the stuff and things I want to do. and this leads me to all new people. However, THis time its timed by GOd and in Gods realm and under Gods care completely. Ill keep learning. Ive got to stay under Gods care and not move; under Gods umbrella.
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Stay in the vortex and keep at this. My interest in life is in Gods mind eyes; inside GOd. So; constant prayer and meditations of being in the vortex and aligned with the universe.
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The past has revealed its demonic nature; pure evil. the horrible emptiness of it.
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I had my whole life and my face kicked in; one might say simply because I kept trying to make bad people out to be good; I mean; I was ran over so many times; Even the bad people could not understand me. I was finally destroyed and left for dead. Or killed or drowned. ALl real stuff; all pure evil; THese were murder'rs. A murder'r is a murder'r. State pen is full of them in one form or another. Theyre all the same. Pure evil.
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SO; this is really incredible; this journey of coming back to self; damaged; seriously damaged and mentally gone; ill. Starting over where Im at; Kind of pre starting; depending on God.
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One area of interest is starting over and following through. Im there it; but it looks set; meaning; Im in a new realm where the only things I get are from following through. And today; I dont think anything of it; kind of; I mean; Im scared; I dont want to be attacked on my journey in this area. So; Im still mentally ill concerning being in the present.
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Ill have to work with God on all the deep and warped.
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Im kind of 2 people right now; one that is starting over because Im worked through the past and dont believe it anymore; and the other side of; I need to hide and I need help and protection and everything is still warped and Im a little kid and I need a therapist and I need to feel safe. So; Its like Im 2 years old; different ages; one a small child that needs to be protected and taken care of; the other is older by a few years and wants to start out and do things but has been ripped to pieces in the past and is Leary of being caught and getting hurt without protection. Just going through it again; PTSD>
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The goal is go forth toward doing the things I want and having no other thoughts. Im not interested in looking at what I want but is not there; Thats not focusing on what I want. Focusing on what I want means just that; keep focusing on it; writing scripts about it until it shows up. I mean; this process is more about following through and working with God and learning to trust GOd then manifesting anything. THe manifesting part means Ive followed through and this is done without any of my effort. Its not about working or efforting; its about trusting GOd and the universe to learn how to attract it and believe it will show up. THis takes work. Its not about the outcome. Can I stick to the journey and not sidetrack and quit. Ill keep at it.
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I have to keep working in the vortex and aligning. In that protected area with God is where I build my imagination and ideas and its where I send forth and where I receive; to learn to stay in that vortex with source energy.
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Im sick right now; so; things are difficult.
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I see myself learning how to show up for myself again. Start over; not run off. follow through; learning. I have allot to learn about basic character. I never used it or developed it. Protection. I was 2 shut off and treated to badly to be present. Everything I loved and dreamed about was stolen from me; all of it.
So; Im going to work with the universe to get it back. To get me back and developed. Im going to counter this thing. Follow through; face it.
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ALl of this is really about my character and nothing else. Will I follow through or not; learn to trust God. Stay with God not make excuses; blame others. I guess. Its hard; Ive been a real victim and someone who was mad and scared and stopped everything; stopped my life.
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Can I develop a life on my own? I mean; with God... We will see! Because Im going to do it.
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I have to work closely with God on things. ALtho I have some goals; those goals might be to lofty to follow through with reality; Ill keep at them; Im not sure what God direction wants. WHere do I start. I have to learn to feel safe again; learn how to be part of things again. I cant understate the work involved in this.
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Im just to sick to be bragging right now.
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So....
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