July 2025
June 2025
Things have change...
.
So it begins.
So it begins
So it begins.
.
.
Ive officially made it back to the starting line or right before it in the rest area with all the other racers; back to society... Ive already participated in my first race; and several more at the beginning areas; IM IN!
.
.
Im at the beginning of being a citizen again in society.
.
Writing;
.
Ive fought for 2 thirds my life or waited failing the whole time on most things; in fact; I stopped trying and went into shock in this life; no more... I became through mental illness; a coffin within itself. A living breathing coffin...
.
.
After 35 years; I got my Art back; the ability to create Art; if I wanted to start a career in Art; I can.
.
I got back the ability to play guitar; if I wanted to study guitar; easy to start... Im way beyond that level... Im a beginner student; but if I pick it up; Ive already proven myself; I can pick it up anytime I want and advance on it if I choose to go that direction; Nothing stopping... easy... no blocks; no walls.
.
Later; to much shock... maybe a few days go. Suddenly; writing!
.
I've been working on it for awhile; making the change into writing... no clue of the outcome. stopped for a while.
Suddenly a few days ago; writing married me... Now; when I get up in the morning; I look forward to fooling around with words in a paragraph to see if I can mold those words into describing the clay like effect of a a subject matter ive chosen... playing with words like molding clay; easy at that.. easy as getting up to play a computer game.. turn it on and start blasting. Something with writing now.
.
If I can create 1000 paragraphs; Ive got myself the ruff shot of a beginning ruff draft possible for a book... I can create 1000 paragraphs... What I do with them later is up to me and the skills I want rot learn. but their is it.
I like it. I like the idea of getting up and building with words; I like it... I own it; its me!
.
.
Worlds; being a creative writer... Yes! Its back; its in me... it is me; its like a chakra within my soul; a soul level that has alined and come back to me... Im inline with it; I can touch it within my heart; I own it... its at the core of me and Im in touch with it; its mine again. Great.
.
Its Fantastic.
.
Whats next; Song writing! song writing; Im working with God on bringing back into my life... Im not sure it was ever present. probably not; but I want it back; it want it in the middle of me and I want to own it.. Im working with the universe on my identity and owner ship of the things I originally wanted to be part of in my life; it was stolen from me; just like many things.
.
Its troublesome that I cant just connect that part of myself back to myself; its out there some where not connected to me floating around somewhere... ill keep working on it until I own that part of myself again that can houz songwriting aspect of self.. Its been split off; I have dissociative disorder so this is not uncommon; but it is frustrating. Im excited tho. But I have no answers of yet accept to keep writing about it as if I already own it and ive come back to myself.
.
Ruptured personality is in the way; contempt; hatred anger rage; all the above... all of it. remorse; sadness; horror. terror. all the negative feelings of someone thrown out into a world of wolves with no protection... So; It seems hard as a rock for me...
.
.
.
Women; and the girl up the street;
The newest information follows like this
.
if I did not ask her out; She ows me nothing; and thus in a sense; ends this whole thing... Men and women are not the same; they are completely different creatures; almost as if God created them from different planets; They come together only out of a biology that God created to attract them to each other... like a bee and a tadpole attracted to each other and they procreate and have children; 2 different species...
.
With women; if I have no relationship; it matters not to take their inventory; they were never a friend of mine and they were never my girlfriend; so it doesnt exist; and it doesnt matter.
.
The problem is; why am I lying to myself and devious and trying to hide concerning all this; why blame the girl for some much; what am I hiding from in my own life that I would have to get into hers.
.
One area of movement and understanding; I have to learn how to take chances in life; Ill have to get help for this. If I had gone out with the girl; none of this would ever have happened; the need to take her inventory; Nothing... But I didnt follow through; why? thats what Im working on...
.
School system;
work
women
economics
talents;
never following through on anything; like Im stopped; cant move within a 10 foot radius; stuck in my own forcefield with a wall around me.
.
.
.
.
So; On several areas...
.
First; when it comes to women. I ask them out first; I have to over come this and come back to reality... Asking people out is the key; not falling for them... That wall that was created by my parents where I was thrown away; I went into a freeze mode and stopped; stopped growing..
.
schooling
work
talents
dating
All areas stopped.. could not function... wasnt mature enough because I stopped growing before these type of interactions of walking across that line into action; taking action; I could not move; dissociated disorder.
.
Song writing; This is the next big area Im interested in having within me; married to it; intimacy. part of me... To a point of getting up in the morning and just doing it. Feeling safe; feeling me... Doing what makes me feel good.
.
Im starting to see the dysfunction of trauma and what its done to destroy my communication ability.. Made me dysfunctional around others; schizophrenic like; dysfunction...
" The girl up the street"
.
A new perspective; as I continue to look at different perspectives of this person. And I work through her inventory of her life; some of my recovery books teach me a specific method of things and the groups I attend teach me a specific method of thing;
.
I was suppose to ask her out.
.
.
I talk all about the first girl I loved; but I refrain from mentioning the most simple of problems my denial did not want to look at; The rules of Life 101;
.
When it comes to women I like. I must ask her out and thus after she says yes; make her my girlfriend; and as such; then I can bitch about her... But not until.
.
Altho; all of the mentioned assessments of her broken personality maybe be closely relevant; it all means nothing; I mean; it means everything concerning my personal story and what happened to me. However, concerning this girls allotment toward me; She owes me nothing; I never asked her out; thus; she was never my girlfriend; never mine...
.
Rules of life. IF shes not my girlfriend; I have nothing to say about her. What is the solution; Asking the question; why didnt I ask her out. and; how can I change that behavior today.. I can I ask out the women I like.
.
I still have to talk about her until she evaporates and is no more. And I should keep this up because the things she said about me indicate no friendship no respect and no interest in me; Thus; I need to accept this and move backward from that point looking for clues to substantiate her claim; proving that while the time I spent with her she never liked me; I was not her friend and I meant nothing to her; Im sure I can find plenty of information substantiating this claim. Thus; proving I had made a mistake concerning this person. It was a vile mistake knowing her or ever associating with her; I made a simply mistake while meeting her; Right from the start I was wrong; and I must keep up the work to prove it until the power she has over me is rendered useless.
.
On my side of things; the main issue was; I didnt ask her out or hit on her; that is the main issue; that is all there is...
.
I have to ask the question; Why not? Why didnt I hit on her? and their is the question.. I dont have to look into her private life... Its not about her. its about me making the first move while she was on the couch; and thats all this was about.. And their it all is.
.
.
SO; Why didnt I take action...
.
Ive not taken action with women; with school., with work, with my talents no
.
.
As for the girl up the street; I dont think this was the right person to associate with; I tried to make it into a romantic thing; the feelings; telling myself she was the right person; she was not; she was not safe... The problem was delusion. I know better now. I dont go and make friends with the wrong people like that.. I keep my distance; its attraction not promotion. And I dont meet allot of women that want anything to do with me. ..
.
If they are upper ended in education and smart sophisticated people; then; maybe. They have to see worth within me; but non of them do; and the rest dont care... so; I work with God to retain self...
.
As for women; I first have to learn how to ask them out as a way of life. I mean; I have to get back to being normal... doing things like normal people. That will require allot of faith; it can be done through footwork...
.
I will have to meet the right people... Im not ready for that; I dont know if I ever will be; thats up to God...
.
Ive seen such horrible things from women concerning women; Im not alone; its unbelievable.
.
I never wanted this; I just expected women to act like they do in the Bible. I assume everyone does; What has happened; the whole society has been destroyed through political means. So; its useless in many ways...
.
However, all I have to do is work with God on this...
.
My goal is to get on my feet; not blame others or worry about it...
.
Parts of me are not present; they are missing and Im trying to get those pieces back.
.
.
.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], mc1, Yahoo [Bot]
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.033s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.29
Time : 3.033s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.29