July 2025
June 2025
Im at the beginning of a new life; pre new life struggle; the struggle before the struggle; its like being in gladiator school before going into the arena...
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So; Im at the very beginning; but the very beginning of what?
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Today; I put GOd first. That means; no matter what I want; I pray to GOd first and work it out on paper prayer and meditation; it must be worked out in my imagination first as if Ive already had it or got it; And I must have already changed for it to show up in my imagination to a point of being worked out. By that time; Ive changed into a new frequency and person and Im ready to receive it in the outside world.
It doesn't matter what it is; it goes to God first; then its worked out and aligned with the universe and brought into my imagination and worked out to a point that it appears Ive gained it; and Ive gained it because Im at that frequency and up to speed... and the next segment is attracting it in my imagination as if I am a magnet... Once attracting it in my imagination and thus expecting it in the real world; I will work with God to have it brought to me in the real world... or I will attract it naturally and be ready for it; That kind of thing; to be be up to speed for something...
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Ive been working with this concept concerning mountain biking and its slowly working as I take everything to God and work with God to become this newer person more responsable with mountain biking. Im getting results but the journey is not a week journey; numerous days involved; dont know how many; maybe months; and thats the way the boats sale on the sea...
I have to believe and be up to speed in the mountain biking world to have what I want; work with the universe first before I ever take action; its already worked out with the universe long before I take any action in the real world and I will have become a different more seasoned developed person simply by continuous work through my imagination.
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This will or is or has become a way of life.
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This has become; is a way of life; Putting Higher power first; meditation and then start writing as if I have what I want. Telling the universe what I want and that I want to talk to God about it. " God; I want to talk to you about mountain biking; have an imagined picture of mountain biking in my hand as I raise my hand to the universe and tell the universe I want to talk to you God about mountain biking; and I just imagine God looking very closely at the image in my hand; its like Im match making the greeting between God and the image in my hand; Im introducing them together... and I just hold right then and allow a kind of meditation on that at that moment; GOd/mountain biking.
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Its very slow processing right now. My character and nervous system are not used to being in such alignment; automatic alignment with the universe. Ill get their... What do I mean by this; I dont have a work ethic established at this level of dealing with the universe; Not this solid; this will take along time; this level of spiritual maturity and trust.
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Im answering to God to the universe first.. its that simple; Im stopped and I have to get inline with the universe first on all things Im interested in. I have to work with and through the universe first; through GOd first on all things; one thing at a time; Gods will not mine. If Im rebellious and belligerent and have no faith; Ill working with the universe first learning how to have faith and believe and only when I believe will something happen for me. My will vs Gods will; the cool thing about this; it suggests theirs 2 wills; and We know that one is right; Gods... and so I have something solid to head toward.
It first starts happening and opening up in my imagination long before its brought into the real world.
And what might stop me; my lack of character will show up with stoppings in my imagination long before anything is tried in the real world; and Ill have to work them out on paper and work through those walls and gaps and low self esteem issues; I get them all triggered while running a play through my imagination; and from their I work on my character flaws... By the time Im done; Im able to run the scenario through my imagination smoothly under GOds will direction. And from their if Im up to speed; it may be time to take real action out in reality..
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I will become the person I want to become; in my imagination; and Ill deal with all my lack of belief in myself and my future and goals and interests; I will deal with them in my imagination first!
And all the walls and disappointments will show up very quickly in my imagination and will be dealt with their.
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WHat is some of the solutions; Well; On paper I start writing many concepts of positive views of what i want; and I must continue to do this until a change takes over in my imagination that my confidence is built that a positive outcome will occur. As I strengthen and learn to grow on paper with my success exercises. I strengthen over time and begin to believe; I begin to believe the universe is going to help me and is on my side...
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Gods will not mine;
I know GOd's outcome for me is the right outcome. All I have to do is work towards learning what Gods will is for me and continue to build down that line.
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The Hard Part?; Being hit with walls before I breakthrough into GOd's will; If I want to break through those tsunami walls of deflection; I have to earn it... And earn it I will; its horribly hard right now.
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Ive spent a major part of my life deflecting who I am so I would not get hurt again. However; not being myself is hurting me badly; So Im asking God to help me to become myself again; and to believe and trust and learn to trust God so I can feel safe; safe enough to grow and live again. Non of this is easy.
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I want Gods will not mine! Gods will is always good will! My will does not get me anywhere! I AVPD.
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So!
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I have my work cut out for me breaking through these walls; but I know how and it can be done; and it will take along time to break through them; meaning; this is not something I just snap my fingers and the walls are broken through; and because I cant instantly break through; this troubles and scares me and I want to give up; Im not going to; Im learning to work with God and stick with things until I have found success at what Im doing. This is hard; I mean its hard... its like going into a old Gold mine and digging for God expecting instant results; and those results wont come for at least 6 months... 6 months of digging...
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I do not want to be a jerk anymore to be mad or angry or viol against the world; I want the nice person to come back again! I want the human to come out; not the wolf...
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Ive started mountain biking again; or atleast making notes on what it would take to bringing to being mountain bike; to bring mountain biking back into my life again!
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I started creating music again. And tonight I played a few chords at a piano at the meetings and realised how important it is to write something for live use; We will see. Just starting to attempt to take music seriously and learn to take responsibility for what Im interested in doing musically. I want to play live. I have to continue to work with God to let go of the past and come back to reality; in order to do that I have to accept reality for what it is and what it is not; and to have support; for reality for me was; I had a family once; and thats how I survived reality; when that family no longer existed I went off to find other people to take the place of having nothing; Unfortunately; I did not do a good job on whom I found; I found deceptive people who lied to me who were never interested in me and who were not my friends; they were faking it. I ended up getting manipulated easily and destroyed.. I was set up and destroyed; I had no idea in several cases of different people; I had no idea what was going on until it was to late. I had been set up; used; and dumped; before I knew what was happening.
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Today; Im almost over them. In one case I am over them; Im now seeing and feeling my past as a new person without them; as if they are not their and their house is not their and their friendship is not there and they are not there; and life is more austere and a giant gap exists; but its generally filled in and accepted; I have replacement life now; life is harder; its more lonely; but also; it would have been harder and more lonely if I had never met them in the first place and I would have learned how to take care of myself; and it would not have been around rich people.
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In the second situation; Im almost over it. Very close; I still have to feel what its like to be alone without the person and to feel it; and Im getting stronger... and accepting what life looks like without that person; that loneliness and that gap. And I would have to learn how to make new friends; and they might be harder to make and I would not feel that addiction to be around someone. My attitude was; if I dont get that addiction to be around someone; Im just not going to be around anyone else. Well; Yes I am! I have to learn to have new friends in the real world who dont think Im so important. That means Ill have to treat these new people with much more respect and not count on getting so much from them. I have to take care of myself and be responsable for myself; if I need help; Ill turn to a therapist; not some general person of society up the street; that is a big big mistake...
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In a sense; I was way spoiled by being around the people I was around when young! The real people in the real world will not treat me so nicely; they are more austere and pragmatic; I am forced to be pragmatic and I like the idea and want to be more pragmatic... and brought down to life again; because; thats where I started anyway! I mean...
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I had met the wrong people. It was a giant let down when they were gone; a giant let down to my ego; on whom I thought I was... I have to learn to like myself anyway. And the new people I meet; I will not get away with treating them or getting close to them as easily as I did these other people; they are smarter then that; they will be more guarded. It will be harder for them to get close to me...
This time; it will be made clear from the beginning that all I have to bring to the table is friendship; and it will be obvious because they will be asking the questions this time about me and I wont look so important.
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Ive been around many people and found that without that money clout; without the ability to look like high influence in society; many many people did not want me or want me around them; I didnt have anything for them to start with... I was not accepted into their realm; not this time...
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Before; I got in through the back door; not this time. This time I have to knock on the front door and Im nobody to the owner of the house this time; I do not have enough to bring to the table this time and Im asked to leave before I start. However; its better that way; because I have to learn to rely on God and Sunny Jesus Universe for help. Im learning about this and how to accept all this. Im OKE; Im still alive; Ill be alright...
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One of the most important wake up calls; I think Im important to other people; when in reality; Im not important to anyone. And if I have support when this happens and I can make it through; its one of the most important aspects in life to overcome or survive through; THe understanding that my financial position in society will determine who wants to associate with me and who wants to accept me into their levels of society; and its all based on money. This is the importance of 12 step groups as a place to go for general support.
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So; if you have money and a house and I dont; I might be invited to your party; but as an outsider in a second class position or I will never be invited to you or your house in the first place; and its all based on money. And that is one of the realities of life. And I will need support while understanding my actual social position in life. ITs not based on who I am as a person; its based on my social position economically. Ive been treated terribly by others because I did not understand that I was not liked or accepted because of my low economic status level in society. I did not realize I was being treated like bum by everyone; I had no idea. But I do now! However;
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Ive learned to handle it; almost; but actually with GOds help; Ive learned to kind of accept the reality of this; Im Ok with it; it means I must be much more defensive and on the defensive and be alert around the middle class'rs; those with jobs money stability histories of any success with family money houses kids wives and such... They generally do not accept me; Fine; Ill move and work with God and God can put the right people in my realm. I live an alternative life.
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Im not accepted by anyone accept maybe those people in my 12 step meetings; and not all of them accept me where Im at.
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So; this is a big wake up call when I think others owe me because of who I am on the inside; my insides; I have to learn to accept who I am on my inside and I work with God from a standpoint of my insides; but the rest of the world owes me nothing; they can look at me anyway they want to; and if I dont come from their money level; its important to understand their is a group of people in society not to associate with because they think they are superior and they think I am a non human being simply based on my economic situation. They will always treat me harshly; I have to watch this; they are not my friends...
They are not my friends; and thats what I am learning and surviving.
I had the idea they looked up to me. In reality; they know nothing about me; they did not look up to me. They laughed at me and saw nothing to respect. And Ive got to remember this; they are not safe to even open up a word to; nothing; ever; they were and never will be my friends.
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I used to think we were equal; we were not; based on economics; Im nothing to them; and I mean nothing; they dont care how they treat me and who I think I am in society; they were never my friends; they were my enemies from the beginning; What does this mean; dont say a word to them or ever open up anything personal around them and stay away from those people.
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God will not lead me to rich peoples houses for the recovery I seek. For better or worse I will find myself economically at the same level of others at my economic level...
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Regardless; I turn to God for help on all things; help to wake up to the realities of where I live and life as I know it... and to learn to protect myself from those who are not my friends.
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It would have been better for me to have been in a big city; but I do not have the money for such places or the money for transportation in such places; Im fully aware of transit situations in big cities; I was thinking more of car; I dont know!
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I can pray about it; Small towns are vicious for small town attitudes... I am judged.
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I didnt realize how this community looked at me. They've been judging me all my life here; and I had no idea. Now I know.
The people Ive gotten mad at in the Christian 12 step groups; they were the worst; they ganged up on me many times and I had no idea I wasn't being treated with respect; but I wasn't; I thought I knew how people looked at me; I was completely wrong; they judge according to money and work levels. I put them on a kind of pedestal I was going to fit in with. In the end they were very crummy people; low lifes; small town stuck up wafes...
I innocently went to these people thinking they were nice people that would take care of me. In the end they were liars; they did not care about me nor respect me... I was shocked; they created a whole other scenario about me; tried to make me out to be a narcissist or some other nonsense; always trying to take an intelligent person like me and make me out to be a loser or some other judgemental state; until I started waking up to what was really going on; they could care less who I am. WHy did I ever think they were suppose to accept me the way I am; they never did...
Because Im a nice guy; They are? The is me! The unfortunate reality for an innocent persons thinking process... My thinking process.. Nice but naive.
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I thought they were nice people; they were stuck up to me; I never understood it until I realized my inner self had no value to them; only the outer level of money mattered to these people; nothing else.
The problem is; they are ruthless scum bags... They are completely corrupt people. Knowing that; I cant be around them ever again. They are dangerous...
Ive been in several situations with them; calling them on it or trying to open up to them and be friendly and the results was; they never accepted me as a friend. I saw myself as one of them; they saw me as a loser who they felt was disgusting and beneath them. ANd their it is. They see me as nothing... This is not the first time Ive been through this.
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Its easy to get caught up with fakes when your kind of innocent like I am; they smile on the outside but see no need or reason to see me as anything but a nuisance when around.
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Ill repeat it; my inner self; intelligence means nothing to them; They will never start a conversation with me of any meaning; they will always say something about a basic social politeness; making sure the comment can not be reached or commented on because it goes nowhere. So; I automatically get ostracized from the conversation if I start a conversation. These are the kind of people that want to be in a judgment over me... but not my friend... and that wont do... If your not my friend; you get no position with me at all; Nothing.
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They have no reason to communicate with someone they feel is beneath them; but they want to still act friendly but not be friends with me!
They had a select group of friends who they respected; but that was because of money; nothing else.
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So; starting fights with these people in small towns; these small town minded type of stuck up people is a waist of time. THey were never nice people to start with... I am; I was just trying to be a decent person... They weren't interested in it nor in the truth; and certainly not from me.
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They put on a good act; its confusing for a person like me. I expected to be treated with decency and respect; I was not; and I was left angry and confused.
What I failed to understand; I was never dealing with anyone decent that I should put out any time for in the first place; I just didnt know it.
Many times Im like a little boy; I think others see me as a child and should take care of me. They dont see me as anything...
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In a sense I was shut out socially of this small town; why I didnt think it was going to happen to me; I dont know! Thats what I have to work on...
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Meetings;
I have to keep working with GOd to get out what I need to get out; Im getting out at meetings; but many people have been literally interrupting me while talking to shut me down with cross talking to try to shame me or character assassinate me at meetings. It wont stop me; They are trying to stop me; it wont work; it does cause damage; its like a missile attack; but it wont stop me; And as I get things out; once their out on the table; the secrets; my real feelings; Nothing anyone can do to take it back; so; I just keep going; keep dumping until I get better.
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And many can see Im getting better and some don't want that; because Im surpassing them and that is making them look like a fool.
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Im F**K'd Up! Im Messed up and its not your fault! It was never anyone's fault. Those who abused me when young; it is their fault... And beyond that; no ones fault; It was my responsibility to get help at the proper places. No one else's business; no one else's responsibility... This is a hard one; you would think others would want to help; but when one is in this dire situation; unfortunately the locals really cant or wont help; its better to wonder into the offices of the psychologist and start the work there and or if lucky enough; a 12 step group to go with it.
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So; Here I am slowly trying to get more recovery to get to a point that I can get back on my feet again and its coming.
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Music;
Played more music at the piano today; again; its been a long while; Will I do something with it or not; I dont know; Im wanting to; Im wanting to come back to reality.
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Mountain biked yesterday. I have allot of work to do with GOd to get my mountain biking back; past the trauma walls; back on the slopes of hills with a new bike... and I ready to go again; Not there yet; showing signs of things tho; lots of work with a higher power to get back up to speed again; Im will to look into this... amen.
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Letting God take the reigns of my mountain biking... Just hang on...
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Will ask God to do the same for my music.
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My mind is damaged; Im 2 people; Im the addictive compulsive broken mentally ill person and Im the college guy. Most of my life has been dominated by the mentally ill personality symptoms and at times over ran by addiction problems; more shorter then length of time on the addiction problems; However; enough to make me a visiter of certain 12 step groups and not a visiter. Like many who have suffered severe trauma; I ended up abusing substances for the relief.
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So; Now; Im 2 people; and finally after getting much help for the broken side of things; the college guy is now coming out and maybe can re learn how to feel safe and get some long needed attention so he can develop. So; the real me; the college guy is maybe finally getting noticed and taken care of and immerging. Finally getting some fare needed attention to grow and develop...
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