July 2025
June 2025
The key is this; Full responsibility for my life...
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This is an interesting situation; This is not something that JUST happens; this is the figure head verse of life itself for mental health. The understanding of full responsibility for my life. I respond for what I want.. no one else or thoughts or backgrounds or history is what I will respond to. I respond to taking responsibility. Respond ability. I respond to what I want... and I get the results... regardless of what it may be and I dont blame anyone else for it or the past... I dont blame the past for my actions or expect someone else to take care of me; at this point...
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This is truly a stranger form of self actualization. a full form of it. I had no idea. Not many people get here. One has to work toward this concept..
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What does this mean; it means a full understanding of resentment work and expectations; and expectations lead to resentments... and resentments lead to victimhood.
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This means no one else is responsible. In order for this to happen; The work from the past is tremendous; I mean; it would seem virtually impossible to me considering my situation; but its happening because thats the reprograming Im putting into my head.
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ITs happening; Im already sounding different at meetings; Im sounding more normal and iM attracting normal people suddenly.
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Getting cleaned up. The next step of interest is cleaning clothing and bedding and self and losing weight and cleaning apartment.
These are the next goals; and I can see them.
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Trusting God and telling the truth.
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Ive been mentally ill; extremely; to the point that Ive had to be on social security... In the times it was at its worst. No hope for me and ho help; They were able to get some of the steam from it down to a point I didnt kill myself; but even that didnt work for a time period; From about 1996 to 20010... In those years; bad things happened.
Before this was the beginning of the symptoms and the horror that goes with all of that. later my mind gave out; and that started in college and later got worse. I became almost schizophrenic; could not function at all.
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So; Im getting better slowly from the trauma. I mean; I can play video games; I just brought a gaming computer; and I mean; ya know; thats as far as Ive gotten. But; thats a lot better then where I use to be...
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So; the key is reality and allowing God to take care of me and understand the realities of the way things are.
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Im attempting to clean things up; I would like to have it permanently where I dont have to hide in altered states concerning my clothing and bedding and apartment and things. Get myself back to normal a little bit; but its hard for me.. Im altered... in altered states and just dont care and its so hard for me to care... I dont want anymore attention from the outside world... I dont want to be noticed by it; I want to hide; thats all I want to do is hide... hide away where its safe...
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Ive had probably the first adult conversations Ive had for half my life; certainly since being put on SSI. Im finally more aware and present and not taken over by defense to survive when someone gets close...
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So; I'm still mentally ill; but a bigger whole; hole/ to the world is building of solidness to the outside world...
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Its slow and treacherous.
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The key is to understand Im 2 people; Im the mentally ill guy with all the symptoms and I go in n out dealing with reality... in any form of it and Im the recovery guy and the recovery is doing OKE: I mean; its doing; its doing well. Im slowly recovering solidly... its not fun or perfect but the meter continues so show improvement every year.
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Now; Im having conversations with people I only remember as being this well when I was in college many many moons ago... Back in the times of the stagecoaches...
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So; Im doing OK. The goal is cleaning up; But this time; working with God to kind of get a grip on this and slowly allow myself to work toward feeling safer so I can let go of some of the un cleanliness and be closer to the outside world; this is a rupturingly hard thing to do but possible. Im not so scared of that rupturing time; what happened to me; I see it; I remember it. But today I can go back to that site and touch it and I know its just a physical place and thats all it is. But its not; But it is! smile!>.
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So; Im getting better.
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Ive let the people of the past off the hook a bit; I have no friends now; knew people to take the place of what I so desperately wanted them to be... I was so innocent and nice; horrible; all of this...
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But God is taking care of me... I must remember this...
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Money is a concerning Ill keep working with God on; getting better and working with GOd.
Our partner
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