July 2025
June 2025
Things are changing; Im going through a very hard rough time. A very neglected time.
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Its seems like in every meeting; 12 step meeting I go to is some narcissistic thug bugging me… Male or Female…
I do not give these people any respect one way or the other; they don’t mean anything to me; Why would they; I don’t know them; I don’t go to meetings to show my respects to people; Im going to recovery; its a recovery meetings; not a thug gathering for criminals; but; Im not in charge. And those that are in charge don’t care…
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IF they allow these kinds of people into the meetings who break the social rules with others all the time; I will have to really pray about where to go… Im getting violated all the time; all I can do is call the police…
Welcome to modern society…
And; Im not respected by many in these places; certainly not the thugs… Im played allot by people… if they can get away with it…
So; Im trying to recovery.
Im getting much closer to completely coming into reality again and starting over. I large gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be. However; that gap is lessening by the week.
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So; Ill keep the work up; but it seems right when Im getting close to coming back into full view of life; suddenly people are stopping me from getting this last mile to the finish line. I do have a God; Ill pray about it and ask God what to do about it. All Im trying to do is come into contact with myself.. Alignment with myself my inner being and God…
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I do not have the respect by many in these places. In many cases; they are not even at this wave length…
Ill work with God and try to stay antonymous at meetings… Im already being stalk in several places; different meetings. All I can do is call the police.
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GAP:
So; a gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be. Im still in the Disney channel in my head; slowly letting it go… Enough of me as been present not to be in the Disney channel anymore; Now; Im trying to pull the rest of me the rest of the way home; getting back into reality and what reality can offer me.
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The dreams I want; sure; they are in my imagination; but they are suppose to be worked with a higher power and slowly I learn to take action in the real world toward those dreams. This can also mean working on plans with my higher power to obtain those goals. So; much work is done in my head and on paper first; as the plan appear from my higher power; meditation is of the day.
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So; Im slowly allowing the plans to appear and unfold before me… Im also writing up how I want to proceed and taking it to God…
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This gap Im in; this the sexual abuse God; and being thrown away with no one there… when young. All alone…
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Im thinking of a time specifically living with my father… where I have no Father; no one notices me or cares; nothing; I don’t exist… nothing… My father thought he was divorcing the whole family system and was gone; He didn’t expect someone to choose to come live with him… He thought he was out of there. He just wanted to chase college college girls… He was in his early 50’s. I was just a little kid… I had no one; and no one cared what happened to me; nothing.
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I did have the 12 step meetings; now; I hardly have any left; Ive watched the changes take place over the years; and the places are becoming without any rules… and theirs no recovery for me; nothing… So; its not even safe showing up to meetings without being bullied or played in some way by someone…
Im just a decent person trying to get better; Ill get on my knees and ask God what to do here!
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I have God; I have sponsor and I have my imagination.
I assume if God is going to allow this stuff to go on in these meetings; to have criminal minded people run with no rules when at the meetings; harassing people; stalking bulling people for the fun of it; I assume Thats the way God wants it and Im out. I mean; I have no other places that I know of to go…
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Ill pray about it… Ill keep praying about it; its out of my hands…
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Dear God please help me.
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I can use my imagination.
I can use my imagination to imagine Im taking steps forward; moving forward in my mind. Where I can clearly see it and work at it in my mind; its like going down a pathway… and actually getting stronger doing so… Slowly; but it works; I continue to grow and develop.
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So; I am scared of being alone not having places to go… So; Ill work with God on my recovery and ask God what is up here..
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The gap Im working on; Ill work through it; continue to until Im on the other side; back into life; I know it will happen; In sure when.
I feel like Im on the May Flower heading toward America. I know the boat will land at some point; I just don’t know when; Im still way out in the water; in the ocean.
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I imagine birds are landing on the boat or a twig floating in the water has been seen; this means land is near somewhere… maybe a month a way. I don’t know. Im only guessing; I have work on this gap; Ill get their..
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Ill start working on it today.
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Im very weak right now and ripped up; Torn up; torn up from the floor up. “ I keeps walk’n the floor over you….
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FIRST LOVE:
That is what Im truly working on getting over; getting past; and one way of doing that is the understanding of that person and their condition. I made a mistake. I thought I could walk into the world of another person who had all kinds of hardened problems; and simply work with them; and with a enough luv; change them… They would trust me and that means they would respect me; and respect what I was doing around them. NICE IDEA; and it can work I suppose if Im dealing with a decent nice down to earth person with some sanity. But someone with psychopothy or a sociopathic liar fraud… a preditor that sets up innocent and robs them? A definate condition the whole family system be fell to?
Someone that didn’t respect me; didn’t have the character to value the inside of me; someone that did not find me attractive? And someone who already had their own life regardless if they had ever met me; it would meaning nothing to them; they would move along steady… They didn’t need me. I wanted to believe they needed me.
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I desperately needed someone that needed me and wanted to join me in a relationship; This wasnt it… it stopped at the door but I refused to accept that; Why; I don’t know. I thought I was loving someone. My love did not work.
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The message from the universe was; “ GO HOME: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? GET OUT OF THEIR AND COME BACK TO GOD AND LEARN TO CREATE MY OWN LIFE UNDER GOD>..
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This person was a sociopath; I remember; no future… Nothing could be done about it; wrong person.
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SO; here I am now; fat old over weight… Ive got some hair left; its white as snow willowmeana .
SO; Im slowly learning… learning to let go of what was not…
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regardless of the reasons; I facts are; I was used; set up; thats all it was; someone having some fun at my expense… They didn’t care… they are murder’rs… They don’t care… And I have to get to the point to stop worshiping murder’rs with my co dependency delusions and pull out of this thing… Get rid of those false trauma bonded thoughts…
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IT will happen more n more; as I accept the truth and reality of the situation. I was being fooled and lied to; my memories are of a fake person fooling me; pathological liar; They fooled me completely because I wasnt expecting anything from them; I wasnt expecting to be fooled by them; Im a nice guy and never thought about hurting someone or setting someone up. Altho; when it came time to show my feelings; I couldnt; I didn’t feel worthy; I didn’t feel mature enough or good enough literally; I didn’t have any experience. I didn’t sit down and tell this person anything because; she was never really a nice person…
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MOVING ON;
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Now; I work with God on my goal or dreams or desires…
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I realized in the past; I had no career; plenty of reasons for that; But their doesn’t seem to be a reason to learn how to have the character set in place to have a career and how to do that; My mind was broken into a 6 year old and I wanted to be loved and safe and taken care off; and their was no one there; I had no development; so I walked around as a zombie human being; lost adult… lost and thrown away; I had lost all that I loved in all directions; No Point in being… .
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So Now; Im getting close; if I continue to work through the recovery process; Im getting closer to being a person who can pick a career and maybe learn to stick with it under God. And Im hoping the same thing for relationships.
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Ill work with God on it; At this point Im basically 2 old… Im not to old to experiment with things and try things… and work at them tho… So; I mean; God can simulate the same thing for me as if Im actually taking something seriously and of importance..
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So; I can simulate the whole new experience; turn it into a big hobby if not a jobbie job…
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So point is; Im very close to waking up into reality.
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RELATIONSHIPS:
The value of the persons personalty is everything. Thats where it starts; They have to be attractive to me. That means I have to feel attraction; However; that personality must Be. No sociopaths or narcissists or psychopaths… NO NO NO!
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They have to be nice girl! Not some weirdo from the Gulag state…..
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Ill work with God on it.
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Im interested in finding someone that God is sending me; but they will be at the upper half of the Apple tree; not the lower half or the ground. Ive tried those lower frequency spaces; The fantasy never worked out; all I got was lied to; manipulated and robbed in a million different ways from indifferent people who could care less if they ever saw me again…
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What im looking for is at the upper areas of the Apple true; higher quality; quality in this case means; PERSONALITY>
Ill work with God on this…
Ive learned; its better to learn how to work for what I want and just get a truck and a ladder and learn to climb the Apple tree to the top of the tree where the Apples are rich with value… Thats where Im starting…
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Im like a 12 year old; Ive never been on this journey before… it will be my first authentic journey in the real world like this; dealing with interest in relationships; where Im under Gods care and direction and constant communication. In addition; Im not alone; I have friends; sponsors; ( people assigned to work with 12 steps with me). I ask them to be my sponsor and thats how they become one.
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So here I am now; Im definitely getting better; Well; is that the right term; Im moving forward but feel horrible from trauma and stress and the way Im treated by stalker’s at meetings and as I get better many others are starting to treat me really badly… They area all acting the same; the trouble makers; a kind of stalking because; I don’t need them as much as they seem to need me… Its not good; Ill have to call the police just to ask what to do about the situation… I may have to cut meetings way back…
I will see…
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A Gap resides between me when a child; small child; and then being thrown away; there is a neglect gap; of nothingness; no one is with me; no one cares; nothing; and Im thrown away about 5 times in a row; No one cares about me or my future; nothing! Zero… They got rid of me; like stomping out a bug…. Getting rid of it…
I had no place or people…
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So; Im dealing with all of that; this time; with the full knowledge I had no real friends; they were just using me at the time.
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Later concerning First Love; THEIR IS NO FIRST LOVE: NOTHING; Im completely played and fooled by this person who acted the part but had no feelings for me; nothing; never; no attraction; nothing. It was all a game; that's all it was; nothing more…
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I have to look at my role in things; I was innocent and just wanted friends; So; I have to work with God and make sure I can back myself or not be alone… Dont go somewhere alone; Not safe; I can ask God for help… looking back and desperately learning from it.
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A serious bottleneck exists between my childhood and beyond It; Im thrown away and have no one; I do not know what to do. Ill talk to God; The idea is to work through it. I don’t know how long that would take or what it means; I don’t know. Its very very hard place; hardened place…. And Im working through it now; or at the gate; ready to open the gate and deal with what is inside… slowly; one step at a time...amen.
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Creating pathways down the adolescence development trail; and this is where Im at… I just practice and work with God… Ill keep doing this until I break through. This is spiritual work. This LOA work; laws of attraction; This is creating pathways on paper and imagining Im walking down them over bridges and gaps to the other side; I wish to be at… ill keep up this work and pray for support; real help and support. Amen…
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As for past fake friends; Why was I there. This story is more about having to learn to stay put; don’t go; don’t move; just stay at home in my room when Im young and work with God; do not go out to new houses or people; its not safe… stay home; stay with God… amen.
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Its so easy to have been played by these people; I was innocent and didn’t know what was going on; they where ruthless…
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SO; I have allot of that to work through. What is happening now; as I slowly come back to life a bit; Non of those people are around me anymore because they were never my friends to start with; The key is; They never wanted to be friends with me in the first place; they were manipulators and thats all. They liked being in those roles with other people. I never knew. Now; Ill have to rely on God and let God bring the right people and places and things and really work at it… learn to trust God all over again.
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