July 2025
June 2025
I seem to be growing again. THe last time was as a child.
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A lot of work has been done in order to stay alive and the reward is this extra bit of directions on a continues basis by the Universe; What this means; Im constantly growing everyday almost like when a child. Its a more separated crude version; rougher version; Im a bit older now; but it its from the same Diamond tree. Its a different version of Gold; but its gold!
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As for the GIRL UP THE STREET" This now expands to several dozen women. What do they all have in common.
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I ruined some of them; harmed others; broke some of them; broke there hearts; a few of them; Scared them. They had opened up to a stranger who turned on them; they did not see it coming.
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The GIRL UP THE STREET; is the most important of these; but they are all similar...
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I found them; they did not find me. It was never on equal ground. I found myself having to leave the area that I grew up in because the house was sold out from under me; my neighborhood; I had to leave; The house was sold; I was not prepared for anything of this nature; I was basically being given away... and gotten rid of.
I had to make a choice as to wear to live; I wanted to go with my Dad. Unfortunately; my father did not want me. He was a sociopath skyzo---- paranoid anti social. I did not know this about him completely; He had to take me in. He had no money; and didnt care about me personally. When he and my mother were living together She paid for everything; I had no idea! I never knew this.
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When they divorced; he went his own way; thats what he planned on from the beginning. They had children to play mind games with and destroy; thats all it was.
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By the time I was 7 years old he began to turn on us. What did this mean? He was looking for a way of the family system because that is what he planned from the start.
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By the time Im 9 its over. I wont go into the tragic details.
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Hes gone; and Im asked where I want to go; I say my Father. I would never live with my mother; she is a twisted person; that is what I thought when 8 years old; I stayed away from her.
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I lived with my father for about 6 months and had a nervous breakdown; no one cared. I had a nervous break down from having all of this happen... the family spit up and I having to leave my house; no one asked how I felt; nothing; could care less that I was being forced to leave my whole identity and life. ALl taht I had ever known; its absolutely criminal. I was destroyed and could not function.
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After living with my father; I had to go back to my mother and the house. She thus started bringing in strange me. I was in a state of panic and fear and loathing; I went into a PTSD dream state where everything slowed down.
Later while playing under the pool table; she would come out from the kitchen and tell me she was selling the house; and then walked away; I went into a state of complete panic with no place to go or hide; nothing; went into a closed off state of survival mode. No one cared and no one from that day cared what happened me; nothing. and no pre development to handle these kinds of brutal and abrupt changes.
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I Was destroyed. Over n over; but this time completely went under.
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I had to follow my mother to the coast where it was closer to a big city; it was sickening and rained all the time. THe school was horrid. ANd bullies met me at the door each day; thats all I remember; they finally had to pull me from the school from receiving strait f's. I could not function. Living with my mother in this grotesque place; I was in a state of withdrawal and panic shock.
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I finally had to leave that bizare place. I dont remember anything. The universe made sure of it. My mind does not remember anything in that school accept the bullies waiting for me in the halls each day; I could not escape.
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I had to go somewhere. SO I went to live with my grandparents in my home town; Huge horrible mistake. But I would not have known. I will go through much worse torture in that place.
To get away from the continuous bullies at school and the sexual predatorizing of the Grandfather at that place where I lived and other bad things that brought about Severe PTSD and dissociation; I had to go back and live with my mother again in a new house with her new family. THis is her third with in about a 1 1/2 years.
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It was in this new place that I met the GIRL UP THE STREET. And I will meet more of them as time goes on. Ill will try to escape this place after 2 years and go back to my home to live with my best friend; but after arriving they didnt want me either; he turned out never to be a real friend and I was treated like a second class citizen as if I was a stranger renting a room. They complained I was eating them out of house n home. I noticed from the start they were not my friends; I had no idea or I would have never gone there; I was heartbroken; no one cared and know one knew the real me anyway; and other bad things will happened there; Im used as a scape goat and fool and lo life. I did not know at the time; these people were not on my side; contempt and hatred; thats all it was. They had money; Im not sure why these people even agreed to me staying with them; it doesn't matter it wasnt good. And the best friend I had from childhood was over. Meaning; this kid was not my friend and never wanted to meet me in the first place; I just never knew.
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As Im going through these nightmares over n over; The mental condition is deteriorating from a place of years of traumatic shock. I'm not functioning at this time and more PTSD is added over n over.
Anyway; no one wants me; I go back n fourth from one place to another; I go back to my Grandmothers house; I leave my best friends house; he and his family have nothing but contempt and no respect for me. I've done nothing wrong. I had nothing but love and the best intentions for those people; later I will learn how wrong I am about them; who they really were. And I will get answers to my questions asked to the universe concerning these people and what happened and the negative world will become opened to me. meaning the satanic world. I will be opened to seeing it in all of these people. And I will then understand what is happening and had been happening.
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Back to the point of the story.
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concerning relationships; my nervous system was gone and I was so mentally ill. ANd I became hardened.
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RELATIONSHIPS;
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Obviously no way Im going to be able to part take in relationships. THe women I meet will be more for the confusion of needing mental help and a place to rest from the exhausting life I was put through; I was an old man by the time I was 18 years old. I had no idea I was going to go through all of that; no way.
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The point is;
The women that come along; they do not meet me; I meet them. When being near them or with them; Im a closed of dysfunctional dissociated lost soul; a zombie. I have no interest in these women; and couldn't even if I wanted to; Im so fare gone and lost.
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Ive lost my soul my life everything I ever loved and can not go back; all dreams gone; all abilities destroyed; schooling destroyed. All things gone; and no one wanted me from my home town; its as if I was never born there; part of anything.
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RELATIONSHIPS>
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So; as far as women are concerned. I have no interest in anything; I wonder and find myself in relationships with some women who knew someone from where I worked or a sister of another sister who worked at some flunky job I was working at or something. I felt nothing for anyone.
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HEres the point.
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I have half narcissist half sociopathic psychotic.
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I had no real interest in any of these women... But they did not know that.
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These women did not know me or my past; they thought I was some regular Dude. They had no idea who they were dealing with; they fell for me or thought we were in a relationship; like a committed relationship.
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In the end I would leave them if they said the wrong thing; because I never wanted to be there in the first place; I did not want to be anywhere. I just wanted to die most of the time.
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I would get mad at these women because I thought them so shallow; they couldn't even think that maybe I was a broken person from a horrible background. However, later I realized; later in recovery; these women had no reason to think anything about the situation accept that I liked them and we were boy friend girl friend. In reality; I had no interest in any of them. I just wanted to go home; and there was no home to go to and no family; nothing... Never again. And never again on my street I grew up on ever again.
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I was shocked and mad that these women did not understand. However, Now I realize I didnt understand. I was never suppose to meet those women in the first place. I was a wonderer; a drifter;
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Non of these women knew I was not a normal person to have a relationship with so; I fooled them or I was a fraud.
I didn't realize; I had led them on; gotten involved with relationships with people under mis informed means. They thought they were with someone that liked them and wanted a relationship with them; they were innocent. Every single one of them. ANd I harmed allot of people by getting involved with them. Just by getting involved because I would suddenly leave and not come back and many other things.
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The point is; I should have never left my home town. anything after I left; I was going in the wrong direction and all the people I met had no value to me.
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I noticed that non of the women ever came to me; I met them; because I knew someone that knew them or a family member; I knew a family member who had a sister or something. I met that family member at a go know where job because I was not making it in school; college because I was not interested in life anymore/ I was in that college because I had escaped the family system I came from and went to another state. And before that I was living with someone going to school at another college that felt like I was in prison because I had no direction just CPTSD and dissociative disorder; clinical depression AVPD and other problems. In high school I would use drugs and later alcohol would pic up.,
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I had no interest in anything or anyone.
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I met these women while wondering or trying to escape reality; and that wasn't possible because there was no place to escape.
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I blamed the world for not understanding but I never understood that the world could not understand; How could they; what did they see on the outside. I could not open up anything ever. Never; I could not speak anymore. Could not function; nothing...
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So; the girls that liked me; liked someone that did not exist. But they were innocent and had no idea and no reason to think I wasn't a half normal guy! no reason. But what they found was someone that turned on them at some point and just left or In the GIRL UP THE STREETS case; I actually liked her but it all fell through quickly and she; seeing my inconsistency; she backed out and was not going to get involved anymore.
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None of these women knew what was going on or who I was. I caused allot of harm. I pray that God can forgive me for harming these people; for ever getting involved with them in the first place for it was all under false pretenses.
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Many of these women liked me and thought they had a future with me. Im my present shock of the situation; I look back and realize they were in the right. And I was the one in the wrong. I didnt realize at the time I was leading people on and dumping them leaving them in shock and worse things. All the harm to these innocent people.
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I was never suppose to be there.
I was never suppose to be around these people in the first place; if I could have just stayed home I would have never been forced into new situations I never wanted to be a part of.
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I needed to be aligned with GOd and go in Gods direction. I was not aligned with God; I was completely off the meter and the mark. I was wondering into people and places I had nothing in common with and God was no place in site or GOds direction or Kingdom...
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I do allot of praying for all the people I harmed or used or betrayed or abandon.
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As I said before; it was terrible damage to some of these people if not all of them because they had no idea who I was; they didnt know I was capable of what I did by discarding them or not fallowing through; they did not know they had one of those kinds of people next to them. THey did not know they were dating a vampire; cold lost and emotionless.
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The point of all this writing is also to show that I was never suppose to be with those people; God never chose those people for me; and I was so messed up. God did not want me getting hurt either.
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Non of these women did anything wrong; they did nothing wrong because they never led me on. I found them and decided to go out with them; not the other way around. I acted like a normal person that was starting a relationship they might have a real future with; when I would leave; it really hurt these people; devastated some of them supposedly; as I heard from others. I never thought about it. I thought it was there fault from the beginning because they never understood me or tried to.
However, I was never suppose to find and date people that would never understand me because they were never told the truth in the first place.
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So; the GIRL UP THE STREET begins to open up to; Many Girls up many streets and towns and cities and locationssssssssssss...
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As I mentioned; from Gods perspective; God wants me to ask forgiveness so I can separate myself from those people within myself and in the spirit and in Gods realm.
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Im actually a decent guy when Im not mentally so sick. I didnt want to hurt people..
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Now Im horrified by what I did and that these were strangers who were not ready or prepared for any of this; caught them all off guard. Why would I or anyone want to do this to people; I didnt want to.
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So; as God opens up my memories and heart and my conscious and my mind; I begin to understand that the pain Ive been in was guilt from doing all these bad things to people.
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ANd now Im praying all the time to God for forgiveness and the ability to regain my sanity and separate myself from these people within my heart n mind because I was never suppose to be around any of them in the first place.
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One of Gods main areas of awareness given to me concerning this situation? " Im the one who went up the street to meet these people; not the other way around". If I had not pushed it; they would have never met me and never been sidetracked by me and used and manipulated and thrown away?.
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THese people I harmed would have never talked to me if they had never met me. I had to meet them first before any of this harm could come to pass.
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So; Im praying for Gods forgiveness on a daily basis concerning all these people that I put through these strange times.
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