July 2025
June 2025
The sensitive part of real!
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The real me; the sensitive part with no parents when young; alone; no nothing! And it was that part that Im coming into now. A decent person when young; no parents no home; no nothing…
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And it is that part Im coming into now…
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When young; the girls I was interested in; I just could not open this up; I wouldnt open this up; I knew they did not have any interest in me at this level; in helping me; in being my friend…. I just knew it; it meant I was hanging around the wrong people and I had to drop out. This broke me; broke my heart. I had put all of myself into my relationship future only to find I was actually never having a relationship with anyone. I never allowed myself to ever get that close..
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I never allowed it because I could see it; they were not concerned and I really didn’t mean anything to them. I didn’t realize this until I realized they weren’t helpers.. they were wasting my time. They were literally wasting my time. It will not be till later that I realized; I was seeking them out; they were never seeking me. Who had the problem. I did. If I go back to God and start over; maybe God; if I stayed with God; maybe God would bring the right people around me; people I could feel safe around… people I could open up to; that special place of being myself. I would need someone who is a helper and friend; No one else!
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So; maybe they would have been that person; those from the far past; but I doubt it; I don’t know; I know I can go to God and stay with God and allow Gods energy to recreate a new life with new helpers and new friends…
The old now; they are ghosts; Thank God! They have come n past; much like cargo ships in the night. They came; I watched them slow move in front of me.. and a few hours later they past through the night never to be seen again.
When young I was in agony over this; Now; I feel loved and safe through God; for God was watching out for me and would not allow these evil incursions to experience me and destroy me. I was already being destroyed.
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God would not allow the evil to engulf me. Instead; God made the evil pass through the night. And I alone again. I was in agony.
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If I want God to supply helpers that are my friends; Ill have to go to God and stay with God and see who God brings…
They are God energy; from God… They will show their faces to me… I will turn to God for help and clarification.
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Im a sensitive person. And cannot open that part of myself up to people who are not responsible or not safe.
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Ill ask God what arena Ill need to be myself.
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Ill keep working with God.
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MUSIC;
Im asking God for help and guidance… on being a performer. Its very hard for a dissociative. I can hardly handle any reality. And when pitched with reality; I can hardly think while Im directly in reality; its like being totally exposed to the sun when its to bright… its just to much… Like being in a desert with no water… to much sun…
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The reality is; I fall far short in reality; That is why Im on a disability. I can handle maybe 3% of reality. I can hardly function in it our around anyone in it. I can talk a big game but when it comes time to be in reality; I fold…
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So; Ill work on this.
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I mentioned that I fold in reality; I wanted women in the past that I liked; I wanted them to know this about me and help me; I wanted them to help me; until I realized they were never going to help me; They were never looking for someone like me…
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So; I have to ask God for help for relationships and occupations… Stay with God down God Pathway… manifest while with God and have everything ran through God coming from God from Gods energy…
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I refused to do this in the past… And I will pay a heavy price for this. I believed when young I was doing this but I wasnt. And ill pay a heavy price for this.
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Its as if I was hanging out in Satan's backyard and I was trying to claim it was Gods backyard. And in the end Ill be ran through by a spear and left for dead. IT will only be God who brings me back to life…
Thus; I must stay close to God…
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Im working on things right now….
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Im working on working close to God….
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