August 2025
July 2025
The realities of change.
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As I get better; a kind of desperation and loneliness set in; a kind of neediness as the symptoms go down; As my brain returns to me and is not held captive by the long term PTSD or rapped inside a circular re occurring prison of dissociative disorder. I still have the conditions.
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In the late 90;s I had mental breakdowns; I dont work. I was put on social security. I would like to venture out more as this person. Im interested in creating my own identity away from all of this trauma; not worrying about what others think. If someone asks me. Ill tell them I had breakdowns and I dont work…. Looking them strait in the face not caring a bit and moving on…. I would like this type of social power.
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The loneliness and trauma bonding from the past; Im guilty when at recovery meetings of creating false relationships with some of the women at those meetings. Im starting to realize God had a purpose for them in my life; a short purpose. They were never qualified for a relationship. In fact; I was not suppose to notice any of them; to dangerous; they were to dangerous; to manipulative narcissistic and sociopathic. I thought I was getting attention from them when in reality they despised me; maybe scared of me. Had no interest in me. Had contempt for me possibly. Were not interested in me at all. This did not stop me from dissociatively thinking we were close….
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Ive found myself looking for my mother and neighborhood in those rooms with strangers who would not have a clue. Ive been reliving the past; PTSD in those rooms as if I was home again as a child; substituting many of the women and people in those rooms for the women and people I knew when a child. Its been a bit of a dilusional experiment. Im realizing now how dangerous this has been. These were predators that can manipulate the money belt right of ya. Im glad I woke up when I did. Im realizing that altho I poured out personal things at those tables; the people listening were not my friends or interested in my well being; they were only thinking of their own. I just wanted to believe some of them were listening and it was making us closer; but in reality; that is a state of unwarranted de·lu·sion and narcissistic desire and control. Some are my friends and others are polite and friendly..but that is all. I have to stop making everyone my childhood replacement girlfriend or best friend or mother…
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I realized I was trying to practice interaction with the wrong people…. Im now starting to wake up.
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Ive been Able to create art work 7 days in a row; outside down town. So; Art is starting to become mine again as I slip into present reality for maybe the 3rd time in my life.
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Im loosing allot of old creepy acquaintances and have developed friendships with new people.
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I realize in the past; my antenna are broken and I was attempting to have relationships that would abruptly end in defeat. Sociopaths are no people to build a future with.
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It seems Ive lived a life surrounded by nothing but sociopaths and narcissists and some psychopaths; not much else. Ill have to look into this.
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Now; Im interested in learning about opportunity for the first time and meeting new people in my community.
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Im still lonely; nothing has changed; still disconnected from society and the original child that wanted to connect to society; still nothing. Everything seems stuck up and closed down..
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Ill have to look at this idea of connection. Its just; how long does all this take. year after year after year... crazy...
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Ill work with God on the next level.
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I am learning something about the women in the meetings and the ones ive associated with; they are all sociopaths; their was never a chance at a relationship with any of them; God brought them into my life to get me well and that was all. I had no idea just how impossible that would be to have a relationship with any of them until recently; Well; actually along time ago.
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I remember one more women taking an interest in me from those meetings; the recovery people; She had a boyfriend but headed in my direction. And I thought; here we go again; one more of them who cant even stay with one guy at a time; no remorse; nothing... I was at the point; if I see one more good looking women; Im turning the other direction; Ive had all I can take of this poison cake.. its all just to much.
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But recently I can see my own dissociated delusions... concerning the women in the meetings.. They never liked me the way I thought they did. some of them. I watch everything from a distance. Now; Im realizing Im creating relationships with these women in my head where they dont have any real connection to me nor shared a desire for such things... It was all in my head...
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I thought when a women walked into the rooms and sat across from me in a small venue; I thought she was including me in her conversations; she was not... She was open and expressive but not including me; I was being ignored... There was no interest on her part. and their was no respect for me... I was 2 old or Im not a sociopath... or Im lonely and needy and alone... And they have no interest in someone like that. They didnt need me. more importantly; I would pick up on their cues when they were looking in my direction and it looked like they were talking to me directly; and it had this feeling that I was being included in their group. But later I realized I as never in their group. In reality; I didnt exist to them and never did.. I was a perfect stranger sitting across from them and that was all. I was x-cluded from them. Ive been waking up to this lately because Im finding Im creating delusions about different people and women in the groups. Im fantasizing something is their between us as if we are sitting at a dinner table at someones home; its all fantasy and some of these women can see this in me; I know it. And they play on it a bit; my loon-esy.... They dont find me attractive; never did; never will.... I cant make them into something they are not; but Im going to try; or I did for a long time but now Im quitting... Im seeing between the lines; what Im looking for does not exist in these people. In fact; these people are scary.... Im starting rot wake up.
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I just want to be safe...
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Im finding some of those places I try to get recovery have bad people. And I get caught up in it. I go their for safety; but its not safe... and I have to get out of their; keep working with God on whats safe and what is not... I dont like some of those monsters getting to close... But I need the recovery process... to recover
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