July 2025
June 2025
I have to keep writing about it; will keep writing about it because its exposure therapy... I know others are reading this... even if its just one; doesnt matter; its that its put out in the open; Thats what matters.
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In this last year the pressure has been on to move from victim to creator.. And thats what Ive been moving through; its like moving through a giant atmospheric tunnel of cosmic lights... All the old memories slowly fade into the past-ground and a new light begins to emerge...
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Im definitely moving into a new age a new life.
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Its like I was a video game; resident evil 25.... less zombies more bad people. And suddenly and with work I started moving out of that sphere; And as I moved forward out of that sphere I began to see the limits of that sphere of limited memories that defined that other life. Ive had a few... Now; all that information off that time period is a movie rolling by; it does not influence me anymore; but that is not true; the center of it does; it still hits hard on my emotions; but the outer edges belong to me; to my time here...
Its like looking at a TV Netflixes move on a 85inch TV; Its breath taking and over whelming; But its just a move... And Im aware I can go upstairs to the kitchen and get something to eat and bring it down anytime I want; sit back on the couch and keep watching the PTSD drama unfold. Its still horror and tortures me in the center of self. But I know; even if I get caught up in it; I know its THEN and not NOW. In a sense; Its over! Its only a matter of time when that PTSD stream runs its course. ITs still got me; still powerful; but I it doesnt own me because I know whats it; its just reals of old tapes replaying themselves over n over n over. And I have way to much stuff going on in the present for all of that to make that much difference.
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Grieving;
However, the grieving process is part of it; and Im talking about grieving several events in several different lives Ive lived. So; grieving cant be ignored at all.
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So; still dissociate over to much pain brought on by the re runs of untouched PTSD>.. Still here. But Ive got a life growing behind the screens of PTSD. And so Im trapped by it kind of; the PTSD and flashbacks; ITs disabling but not as scary because next to the ptsd is my reality right now... My story right now...
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I get hit with layers of PTSD and I get hit with or attacked with PTSD grenades. And I get hit with multiple PTSD Flooring... Multiplex; What does that mean. I floor of PTSD slips in under the last PTSD world I worked my way out of; when I think Im finally safe; I dont realize my feet are standing on yet; another level of PTSD flooring that is acting out in a theater near you.. And when that flooring is done; ive been standing on yet another one that has been acting out... So Im engulfed by it... And thats what makes it so bad; so horrible; like drowning in PTSd and one cant get away from it; its like a giant sack over my face and head and body; totally engulfs me...
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But outside it is my life right now that Ive been building and something else. Some of ME from my past; the good events of my life; that me; those memories are starting to show up again on how I view things; And that is incredible.
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As for the girl up the street; its about grieving. And the way I slowly handle this is; she was not for real. Underneath the responding to me with emotions; she was fake! all of it was faked... And thats what I keep digging up... I was completely fooled and thats what I dont want to look at; the reality that I was never going to get anywhere and It was all my own ego being played against me. I was made a fool of because I was out of my league and she new it.
When I say " Out of my league"; It can mean money... I did not have the same money she came from. And I thought I could bulldoze my way into her life; Well; I was wrong. I was dead wrong. I never got anywhere.
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And in the beginning when she appears interested in me; Its all fake...And thats what burns me up the most... That this simple play upon me worked; I was such a sap and a simp I didnt see what was going on right in front my eyes; To easy; How easy was I going to let some predator take me; I mean; I might as well just handed over my wallet and my head on a silver platter; I gave her everything else; she didnt even have to do any work. I never had a chance.. I never had a chance with her and I knew it... Or I should say she already knew it. She was just faking me out. Why didnt I see that and just leave. And thats what I have to grieve or work through; its the Pride; thats what sucks... I claim I was good enough for anyone; but she claims I wasnt and she can be right because she can leave anytime she wants... And she was not staying because she could care less.
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In the end; She was one of the most brutal sociopaths I ever met because of her lack of remorse or empathy while playing someone. She completely puts on a false mask of innocent and insecurity of needing to be saved; kind of like a baby crying for its mother.. You respond to the destress signals. But later find out their are not distresses... It was all contrived; but not for attention; it was done to lead someone into a ditch and leave them their... and leave. She hurts people by leading them on; kills them and then leaves and joins another group... No remorse; nothing... And it was so deliberate against someone innocent. Sickening.. I mean; really sickening.
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And if I can keep this up; keep writing about her as a sickening person; sooner or later Im not going to miss her so much; their wont be anyone anymore. IT will be some stranger that dist me and left.
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The way she left. Just kind of moved forward and forgot all about me after hooking me... Predator player... thats what she is and was...
I see those types of predators in the meetings all the time. Not everyone is but theirs always a few... They are ruthless and they prey upon people like me and others... the best thing to do is feel better about myself and never go around them again. And this girl was no different. And I have to get to a point that I slowly address her with indifference or distant description of impersonalism. It is happening. I have lots of grieving associated with this person. I have to grieve a death or a life from a death; something.
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In the end run; I had created a fantasy around her the way a dramatist creates a TV show; its all make believe. But theirs nothing real about it; Nothing to depend on. And thats what went wrong here; I depended on this working with every ounce inside of me. And thats what she was hoping for. And like most sociopaths; she was waiting for me too get in that boat into the middle of the lake so she could secretly pull the plug on it; And once getting my trust; she will watch me drawn.
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So; this was someone who hated me and had contempt. And thats what she was like from the beginning; and I couldn't see it because of mental illness; Its scary; im not sure what I actually saw or didnt. I mean; it could be she hated me openly and I never saw it; I only saw what I needed to from created the dialog and narrative in my head.. She was like a doll I used to create my reality with; but in the end; Their was no doll; I had mixed up my imagination with reality; thus a kind of schizoid personality type... Not all here and not sure of the reality in front of them... And Im assuming this girl knowing this just led me on and on until she finally split to something better; Well; she thought she was great and I was nothing... And it was as if I had never met her... And so I walked away...
And its funny how I say I walked away; Walked away from what? Im not sure anything ever existed in the first place; in fact; it didnt because I never told her how I felt about her... She wrote me off as a weakling hanger oner and finally left and never came back... And when I called her to hang out; she said no.
And the reason she said NO to me this time; I was being my real true self... And thus; the answer was no; she was not interested in the real truth me... I meant nothing to her.
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And I have to grieve that I meant nothing to her. And all of this has to go on n on until I get down through every memory and I see this person for who she really was.
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Nest day;
Major problem but it can be solved; Im eating; way fat... Ive defiantly beat anorexia... hurray!
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Im getting ready to get involved in another hobby; a major hobby... video games...
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Ive been involved in many different things; but they were not realistic; I ended up with 2 main hobbies; One inline with the other... Its inline with God... It does trigger a bad time in my life.
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I look at it like this; concerning the hobbies; One hobby is from the age of 8 years old and the other from about ages 11-12-13-14.... And a number of those years were horrible.
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So; I get it; but its horrible right now and strange. Im bringing in positive hobby that was inline with my earlier life... and this being brought into my later life of memories; its a mix of something good and new into a time period of sexual abuse and being helpless to physically move from where I lived. This is interesting and this is God and this is real; and its hard; because I can see the face of the sexual abuser coming forward as I start bringing in new memories. Its authentic new memories of good things inline with my younger self and God; and its moving the sexual abusers memories out; but right now; video games are things I would have done at that time if I was living in my original house at those ages.... Or something similar... Something like it. What would I have been doing if I hadn't have been traumatized and destroyed..
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So; now; this question is surfacing and my ability to create new memories is occurring...
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A new me pushing the old memories out is occurring; However at the heart of it; it is deeper and vulnerable. Im still dissociative in the center and vulnerable. Still taken over by PTSD concerning sexual abuse; this is much harder to process if it even can be done; its to gruesome and horrible and humiliating.
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So; we will see if I heal. One way of healing is; original thought from an earlier time start to creep in and take over and I feel better and more powerful... and in charge and not such a victim of my past. But its all very hard work and I have to up to speed with all of this and thats up to God....
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Write now im going in n out of dissociation so Ill stop now!
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