July 2025
June 2025
Weather I like it or not; The people of the past are disappearing because Im getting a better understanding of what happened to me... Meaning they are disappearing from my conscious mind…. Their value is lessoning…. as more facts indicate what actually happened concerning them.
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They will not be coming back because they were never the type to be friends with in the first place. They never saw anything in me in the first place. I meant nothing to them because they were low level people in the first place; they did not have the ability to see anything human anyway... The real question was; why was I waisting my time on them in the first place? I needed a place to run and hide. Many times; these people; were places; not people. I just wanted to hide... go to a new place. I was 2 young to escape anywhere. I had to have someplace to go.
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They were not qualified people to associate with me. And here it is; he perfect statement; and this ends the conversation…
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They were not human beings... They were spoiled shallow people... the opposite of me... What was I doing around them. I was in desperate trouble. I went to them; they could not help; why couldn't I see this…. Delusion on my part.
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So here's a clue; if I never associated with those people I thought of as friends; and yet I thought of them as my family and best friend; OKE: so; if I never called them again; would they ever try to contact me? And the answer; Never! Why? because I meant nothing to them? Why? because we were not friends.... My delusion told me we were…. reality told me the opposite.
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And I thought we were the best of friends and I was totally accepted. and thats based on my thinking... It was 100% wrong.. And this will happened several times with several different families. My delusion.
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Talking about this over n over; the truth about it really helps...feels really good...
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The other problems; The reality was; I was an F student who was not functioning in the school system. These people were prize students heading off to the best universities... I would have been a great candidate for the university but I wasnt because of mental illness; Trauma. I had no family; everything was destroyed; I never got any schooling; not really; nothing I remember. My mind and nervous system were so torn up... No one cared about me.
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Heres the deal; I was on my own from the day I was born but never knew it. I tried when very young and had ideas in the first neighborhood I lived in to be successful . That was destroyed by the psychopaths who were waiting for me to make anchor points within that neighborhood and then they would pull the rug out on me... And they did.
I had no family after that and nowhere to go; I had no choice but to go back to these psychopaths and live with them; They did not want me nor did they care where I lived or what happened to me... And I went through this 4 or 5 more times. no one cared who I was or that I had been born. Nothing≥..
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The friends that betrayed me when young;
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the point is; they were no friends. The point is; When one is desperate like I was; I went to these phony peoples houses when young... They were not qualified to be my friend.
People desperate like me; the doors were not opened by nice people; the people with open doors were hustlers and liars and very bad examples of the human race; Some people reading this would think Im talking about thugs; Im not; im talking about middle class fake people; one would never see it by the way they dressed or the business they owned or the houses they lived in... On to themselves I guess they are what they are; but for an outsider to show up around them; I was treated like a second class citizen but never knew it; But they knew... I never understood. I was a decent person; They were not... the problem was; I was associating with them in the first place.
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Im trying to make a point. When I have value and these people think Im trash or I meant nothing to them; These are not the right kind of people to associate with. They have no values. My delusion kept me coming back or believing I had great loss when they didnt accept me.
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I didnt get thrown away by people better then me; I got thrown away by people worse then me; who were so low on the people scale; with such shallow value systems; They could do nothing else. The problem was; thats all they could do... They could do no more than this... They had no clue of my worth; nothing; none of them; nothing. My point is; out of social desperation and having to find new places to go; I ended up at these peoples houses out of desperation. They were not my friends; but I never knew; they put on a good act. I had no idea; if I had known; I would have shut down and never got near them... If I knew they were sicko’s I would have left.
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I made a mistake; a mistake anyone of value could have or would have made. These people were not of value...
Its scary looking back at some of them; right from the start they made it clear they thought I was trash. I was confused. I was a decent person; I was not trash neither were my brothers. I did not understand these people. Not until later did I realize the problem was that I ever met them in the first place; why would anyone of any decency meet weirdos like this in the first place. Im trying to make a point that I want said; that it was sickening and insane and crazy for me to meet these type of people. But one wouldn't know when very young; I just didnt know. It was like be-friending the enemy . They were the enemy of honest decent people. They looked and acted conservative and what appeared honest; but in reality; these type of values meant nothing to these people. They thought they were above all of this; all things... Im trying to make a point; These were people to avoid; not to ever get to know from a sensitive person like myself... To ever associate with these people; but I never knew this.
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The delusion is not knowing it. That is the psychosis….
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Fantasy bond all my life. Usually a fantasy bond goes away by the time of 7 years old. ITs to keep a child alive and safe . It seemed like mine lasted until I was 25 and then went strait into mental illness...
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I had to be in a delusional state about reality in order to survive reality. What does that mean; it means all around me the world was being destroyed around me and I had to see everything as if it had sunshine and beauty... and all hope. That hope is what kept me alive... Altho I was attacked brutally on several fronts.
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Those monsters around me attacked it brutally.
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Breaking down the delusional trauma bond or fantasy bond; In the recovery process; I began to find that everything was the opposite of what I thought it was. I was really in a schizophrenic state. I mean; psychosis... The fantasy I had created was honorable and decent and kind and wonderful and honorable. The problem was; no one knew me. No one Im talking about existed like this ( they were not nice people to me; they did not like me or value me); because I was not part of their family nor was I really a fried of theirs. I didnt know. I was hanging around them but meant nothing to them; they saw absolutely nothing in me; I had no friends here... not of the people Im talking about; but I didnt know that when young. I had no idea. I thought I was loved and accepted. I thought they wanted to hang around me because they liked me…. That is not why.
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So; the people I loved; through this delusion fantasy bond; turned out to be just the opposite and worse. much worse; they turned out to be nothing. They were strangers who claimed no interest in me or friendship. They had no problem leaving and never coming back... And the reason; They had no ties to me in the first place. They were low life with their doors open... I happened to wonder in. They were waiting for suckers like me.. I had no idea... I was taken or manipulated. I never knew it was happening... I was being played.
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Making friends with all these shallow people. I remember one of their mothers allowing me to be friends with their kids; Allowing? What? Now I understand; normally; their kids did not need to be friends with outside kids... They didnt need it; they had everything they needed; what did they need me around for?.
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I was totally delusional. I was like a 5 year old in a 10 year old body... no maturity for my age; nothing.
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I was wandering the streets and ending up going to these peoples houses or asking their kids if I could come over to their houses. I found the worst of the worst and never knew it.
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The big question is why? This is what causes most pain here; Why did I need so badly to leave the house I was living in?
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That is what needs to be looked at and answered. That is whats causing such great pain.
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As for these fake or false friends; I can assure the reader and myself; if anyone is reading this; that they forgot about me the second they met me. Maybe a few weeks in and it was over; they moved on regardless if I showed up around them. Im only remembering them because Im a decent person. and the problem was; Im a decent person and they were not; the real question concerns how 2 opposite type people found themselves associating with each other; However; that is a lie; the question is; how or why did I find them; they never found me and they were never looking for me.
My delusion got me into that again and again. And hurt by it. And the more I talk about that delusion the better I feel because it explains The Whole thing.. it wasnt my fault; Im a decent guy. I would have never associate with that scum if I had known what they were. I had to finally live with them to find out what they really thought of me.
And the more I talk about this delusion through my life; the faster I can move on to better things... and forget about those weirdos I associated with... and I didn't even really associate with them; I mean... some of them I hardly knew... I had made them into nice people that I had lost... But that just wasnt true.. They were never nice; and its no lose to never ever hear from them again or remember them ever... but I didnt know that at first.
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I have to get to this point in my new life; come back to reality. and I have to learn to create in this new reality and gain things. Get a life..
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My childhood was complete psychotic and delusional. When older I have several mental breakdowns because nothing I believed was real. And the people I claimed where my friends who loved me and were closer than a brother or sister;
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As I mentioned before; I got F grades in school. And I was hanging out with people who were getting strait A's in school. This would not work... soon a rift began between us. I thought they were my friends and would help me. I was wrong because they were never my friends and never had the capacity to be friends of what I was looking for. I was delusional. Ill talk more about this... at some point.
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delusion means; someone didnt like me or care about ever seeing me again; I meant nothing to them; but they meant everything to me because they are my closest friends... In order for this to be believed; I have to skip over reality. I would do this because reality is to hard.. the true reality was; I had nothing and I had been abandoned by my parents permanently; At some point I had to accept this; it didnt matter if they ever came back around me; it would be unsafe; they were unsafe..
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The one girl that liked me; didnt like “Me"'. I could not accept this!
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If Im myself and someone doesnt care if they ever see me again; something is horribly wrong with them... They see no values in me? No value... This means we have different value systems; I would not want to know what theirs is... What ever it is; its not God based... So; I should get out of their... ITs pure evil.
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I should go back to God...
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Being mentally ill; I was dealing with the inability to function in the school system because of the mental illness... I was not functioning... In reality; I had no business around people of the opposite situation who were functioning; that is just insane on my part to find myself around these highly functioning people and think we are going to be best friends... Thats the delusion; The insanity.. They looked down on me completely like I was worthless trash... From their values I was nothing; the lowest of the low. The question is; why would I be associating with them... And thats one of the most important questions of this discussion. I treated them like nothing was wrong.
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So; concerning some of these friends of mine or those I was associating with at their houses; they had relatives and brothers and sisters; and I was not accepted by them. They may have had values themselves; some of the brothers or sisters regardless of how twisted; and I had mine; but the feeling was; I should go find my own house to have my values in; not theirs. I was not accepted or wanted. and that is a fairly good way of looking at things.. I was never wanted in the first place. And that is the cruel reality.
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I might be of value; but those people in those houses I was visiting didnt care; they wanted me out because I didnt belong their... Thats the problem. They were not nice.
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I thought I was in their houses because we were friends; thats the only reason I was around them. Its not till later recovery that I realize they were so far of the shelf from being human; I should expect nothing from them and should have never stepped a foot in their houses in the first place and that was the problem; it was not them; it was that I had meandered to their door steps. Thus talking to God; their must be a better way...
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And I think Im on to something here. Where would God want me? If I could not go to these peoples houses... Where was I suppose to go.
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Was I their to live off them? Yes! But it was more for love. To be loved and accepted by them. into a family... And this delusion entitlement is the problem. I mean; I picked ransom people for this…. I did not check to see if they were qualified.
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I later realized they had nothing but emptiness for me... I meant nothing to them. I had no value to anyone. and no one was thinking about me. And no one cared.
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The point is; I was a really nice guy; and thought everything of these people to the highest extent; the problem was; no one existed as I was describing; nor did any relationship with these people; and they never thought anything of me accept the worst possible. And it wasnt just one family; it was several I had done this with. What I needed was a good therapiest and group counseling; not weirdo families up the street I could kidnap and claim as my own family.
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So; one might say; the delusion comes from the need to get out of my present situation into someone elses houses that I can have protection and get a life; but it didnt work... But I could not see that it didnt work. My delusion told me it was working.. When it never worked.
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If I had been dealing with upstanding people who valued what I valued; it would be different. But these people did not value what I valued; and they had no value for me regardless. And they had no values for anything; thats what really shocked me at a later date.
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Its kind of like people who value people who have money. If I dont have money; I have no worth. And if I have absolutely no money; Im completely worthless according to their values... I mean; its pure evil.
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I had no value to anyone. Jesus Christ had no value to anyone; enough said! Yet; we know his worth do we not!
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Talking to God/Universe/Jesus... At a later date; I was able to test these people and find out what the hell was actually going on here. I had no value to them.
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After realizing I was an F student; I did not live in their neighborhood anymore; I went to them; they never went to me. and I knew them when very young. considering all of these things; I had no real value to these people; I meant nothing.
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I do want to say one thing; Someone like myself who values friendship; this is the most honorable of things.. The delusion comes when I apply it to dishonorable people and have no value for me; never claimed they wanted me… or wanted me in their homes.
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The first girl I wanted as a girlfriend. And doesnt this make me sick.. she was a monster; same problem; Im trying to apply decency to indecent people. Im finding them first.
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I was being demoralized by a psychopath my mother; and that is what started all of this. Now; Im trying to work through it.
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All of this writing helps; helps me wake up. Helps me my delusion to go down; lets me know Im not missing out on anything; I never had anything to start with; it was all a dream world.
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Ill keep writing more n more. And do more 4th step inventories on this people until they are well erased from my mind.
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For I learned something from God; In all sincerity; God never brought these people back to me; that is because they were never with me or God in the first place.
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The goal is to do the work to come out of the delusion of all things; and all things from the past. By breaking open the delusion; possibly the past losses its power and its authority over me and I can move on. And I believe this is happening.
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More n more as I break open my younger life; No life seems to exist; only a fantasy about a life I want in the future. And I seem to be horrifically alone; totally even tho I have brothers and a father and mother and friends...
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Im a brilliant person when young but an F student... In at many times and many cases because of dissociative trauma; I cannot function at interacting with anything; no classrooms or school books or studying; nothing. of course; no one cares.. So; this will go on for ever...
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Im looking to work through the past.. until It is no more.
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I believe ill have to work through my original neighborhood; work through it until it has no more value... And that is almost to much for me; for I loved it with all my heart. We will see. But I think God wants me to let it go... because it just wasnt the way I claimed it to be. I was being brainwashed and I was in a delusion... a fantasy trauma bond... This is going to hurt; breaking that part of my life down into pieces.
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The first long term friend I spent time with; I would later call my best friend; I will have to break down day to day stuff we did as kids; And decompose every movement of it until proof shows he was never my friend from the beginning; And then I will de value every experience I had with that unsafe person until he is erased from my memory... What will be left?
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I also have to deal with bullying.
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