July 2025
June 2025
In the beginning of my recovery, I focused on nothing; I was completely lost and hardened inside. Later in the therapy the focus was on general mental illness and some addictive problems; or substance abuse issues... nothing serious for some; but serious enough to warrant the stopping of all substances ... I was using them to medicate...
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I worked the steps in 12 step groups; I worked the 4th step over n over n over; at some point; years into it; things started to make sense of what happened to me.
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Basically I had gotten involved with people who cared nothing about me or anyone else. I latched myself to them; but in the end I had never meant anything to them; as they were never the quality of people to have much interest in friendships or human things with people; these were more opportunists.. These were not safe for sensitive people like me to associate with; I learn a most horrible horrible lesson.
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I spent most of my recovery process in horrible pain slowly working on resentments. Finally I began to feel free of them once the truth came out; And the truth was; I was to mentally ill to be in relationships. I had been using drugs... I needed many things badly that a mental health facility could sort out; but not the guy or girl next door. I was not qualified for those people. I was not around my people. I came from a trauma background... and I needed to talk to trauma people.
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So;
Next; after years in recovery; 8 years ago I was led by the universe to places that would teach me how to think successfully; and I did learn.
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Now;
In the present; My focus is on those things I look forward to; that is my focus; Things such as;
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1. Relationships; girlfriend; or wife family children
2. House
3. Car truck; gas insurance
4. Money
5. career job work vocation
6. talents, callings, hobbies
7. Education
8. God spirituality.
9. Vacations
10. Physical health; staying in shape and not over weight
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So; My focus is on these things for my future;
I am now learning to accept the boring hard labor of turning my mind into a place where those things are obtainable spiritually speaking. Its a mind game right now; getting the mind trained for such things. THink of the Book; THink and Grow Rich; Napoleon Hill.
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Im right at the beginning of all the walls associated with such things. Im just starting; a huge gap resides between where Im at and just getting up to speed to the varied and vast number of walls that are keeping me out of my good or purpose in life..
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THe Rock Group; The Doors
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I was studying Jim Morrison; The lead singer of the doors; He died in 1971. I am allot like him. I want to do what he did when I grow up; that is one thing I want to do.
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ITs like starting vastly over again in my recovery into unknown and uncharted territory.
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Im doing better around people that I know; I can walk up to a group and sit with them and fit in; but not with everyone.
My focus is on my future; almost completely; It is on my future completely.
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THe point is; I know nothing; Im starting from scratch.
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I may have to make a list of all things I want and start praying for them to start with. Im starting out at a place that is at the end of myself.. Ive not gone this far before... ITs all new completely. ITs a place I was cut off from when young so there is no development.
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Im having a hard time losing weight because I want other problems taken care of first and there not being taken care of and Im not sure what to do. Im trying to get my nervous system to open up!
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NOTE: A SHOCKING EVENT:
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AN unearthed reality hit me as I was waking up from a kind of meandering lite sleep.
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I could feel it and the shock of it.
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IVe mentioned the desire for those things in front of me; not in my past; meaning; A desire for those things I look forward 2. What do I look forward to; Now that Ive worked through a large amount of my past; sufficient to move on. Well
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Relationship
House
car
money
career job work
education
talents hobbies callings
Vacations
physically fit
spirituality.
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I was sure; I didnt even question it; never thought about it; I just thought; I had worked through my childhood and levels of my teen years; or I was working on my teen years; so; The things beyond that would be the list above.
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However. I woke up this morning from a dozing comfortable zomma unconsciousness. I wake up feeling and seeing my childhood; I felt it; I was feeling it all over the place; I was feeling the starting place for developing all of those adult interests; I shocked me;
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The beginning of that list of adult interests does not start at 30 years old or 25 years old. It starts at 6 years old; 5 years old; 7 years old; 9 years old; 10 years old; It starts in childhood.
All of the interests Im looking forward to starts in childhood...
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It is childhood I go back to for the beginning of my development of interests like relationships house car money career vacations education spirituality; all of these things start in childhood; the foundations of all of this are rooted in a 7 year old's mind; that's where the adult development comes from; Not everyone knows this; I had no idea of this is rooted in childhood.
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I thought adult developmental stuff started in adulthood; not for me; I was 8 years old and before that; thats what it starts...
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6-25-2022
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Things are changing.
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Im healing I guess; or becoming aware...
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Things are really changing; the way Im interacting with others... Im getting stronger and more expressive and real... Im feeling more conferrable.
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Non of what is going on has to do with anything other then the work Ive done in the recovery process; and that is simply about bowing down to God in numerous forms; By doing this; I am receiving and receiving and receiving from GOd...
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I am receiving because I go into meetings and give back; its like belonging to a private temple. And Im giving back to God. When I open up about what is happening to me over n over and how Im changing and that God is the real reason; I receiving more n more n more the next day from God; I give; THe universe gives to me. And Im feeling again. Even as Im writing right now; I just had another paradigm shift. I can feel it; I just bust'd through and the universe is expanding within me now; right now; bran new one! Right now as I speak in words on this electronic paper; a new paradigm shift.
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I mean; thats how fast things are changing.
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Im changing; its exciting but it just to new to make any decisions on it. its almost experimental.
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Im not home yet! But maybe I am; I mean; seriously; all of this is reminding me of me; me when young. I mean; my expression; its; I think; starting to come out; I can see it seeping silently through; its beginning to grow again; and first; Im remember good things when I was young where I did express myself and thus; its happening again for me right now; in pieces and fragmented selves and memories. and I think; much like a tempered glass of the Sistine Chapel; its like a tempered pieces of glass with sections ready to be painted; One fragment at a time. I am all of those fragments and stories; and each fragment has its own history and feelings and memories... And thus; a fragment is showing up; and thus I remember how I expressed myself. I think that is correct; the original true me is showing up first and then I start to remember how I was interreacting at the time or expressing; thus; I start expressing myself again automatically like the fragment of original self.
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This is the next level; and this is a big big level because; all the thoughts are coming with the expressions. When a fragment is located and put into the window of stain-glass that represents my original life; After its been located and I start feeling it and recognizing it; I begin to feel it as if Im that piece of new fragment found; I start expressing the feelings in that fragment; However, something else happens; I begin to express the memories of the time; and because Im expressing the memories; I get the thoughts of those times.. And if I can express and see those thoughts and become that person again; I become myself again; My real self healing...
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IT is happening; Im healing not only from PTSD; I guess; I dont know; Im healing but is it the PTSD; I dont know...
I am healing from forms of dissociative disorder and developmental trauma disorder. AVPD is alive and well but Im doing better with this as well.
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Im moving to the other side of the wall... and Im remembering what that was like; or maybe inside my imagination its already happened and its seeping out over my reality right now; the original me that was ruptured.
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My interest in my feelings is occurring and showing up.
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My original self that was unafraid is showing up; and so is the memories of the surroundings of it.
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and I mean that; what surrounds those feelings are memories; private great memories know one knows about accept God.
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ANd Im getting those memories back; first level memoires and second tier memories of the time when I could express myself when young. Im moving over to the other side beyond the wall; We shall see.
Our partner
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