July 2025
June 2025
The new struggle for a new life begins…
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It is beginning; The Gaps Ive worked on in the past; those gaps to close up and get me to the beginning of a new life; This change is occurring. This work has got me to the beginning of dealing with and believing in; that the jewels within reality can be obtained; obtained by me.
However; Now; I have a whole new set of real challenges. I have to learn again on how to navigate in the outside world; in reality and through reality.
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Im not strong enough for reality… not yet; Im right on the inner fringe of “in”: Think of someone hanging off the edge of a silver lining’d cloud…
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Women;
Note; Women of the past used to look up to the way I looked; they were not interested in me the person: Thats not the kind of people I wanted. I never went after what I wanted; I had nothing inside of me; I was hollowed out and thrown away….
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What did I really want; I wanted the girl next door; I wanted what God wanted for me; no one else. What I wanted were women of internal super higher quality; Think of women studying masters degrees at the University of……! Meaning; a reasonable college…. Women studying sciences or teaching… professorship. High level… A women with Masters Degrees in physics and Art!
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I did not feel good enough about myself for that; To find women like that; I was 2 afraid of being looked over or passed by: However; thats where I belonged; with women whom had Masters degrees in Astronomy. OKE. So; in the present; Now that Im almost dead from old age…
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Now that Im plenty years older then those in the senior center getting free lunch today; Fine; What do I do now?
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Im barely on the fringe of a new life. IM BACK; Kind of… just barely wobbling around in the snow; but its not in a dream; Its not a dream; Im actually coming to; back into reality. The dream has become reality and Im here now. Im in reality barely able to make it or stand up; Not hurting as much as I used to mentally; I worked through a lot of stuff to get here… and now Im in reality… That reality is actually the escape… and I am getting some relief being in reality… I don’t have to live up to someones expectations. I always cared more about what others thought of me; I never wanted to be thrown away again the way my parents threw me away; or the fake best friend and his fake family; or the fake first girl I loved; who I meant nothing to; I was being played and manipulated by them for kicks and then I would be dumped.
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Car;
Car; Ill continue to work on this until it becomes a reality. I work on this within my imagination; and The goal is to be retooled into believing; actually believe I can have a car; having a car has to do with; lets say; someone who is squarely in reality. Or responsible… Adult like… Adults drive cars. Some adults choose not to deal with it; I understand… Totally; but they have the choice because they are adulting. Its a responsible adult thing to do.
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It will take allot of strength and work to bring me back to the present and feel good in it and develop again in it; it is happening; has been happening. And that is good.
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Fascinating; I wont be around the original people anymore.
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I am coming back to reality as my regional self. ; inside and out.
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Its a brilliant thing to come back to reality. Im walking on water under Jesus….
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Ive emerged. Im here. Beat up from the street up; a little stronger … More present then when I was being bullied and destroyed when younger. I cant say Im coming fully out of that… Im flat down on the ground; but its my ground.
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SCHOOLING; Ive said in my writings years ago about the fun ability of maybe some day taking a class again at the local community college; maybe a pottery class or something; studying sculpting.
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Today; maybe I can do that. Im like; take a bus or bike to that campus and take a class; Id be OK.
Its not perfect; Im not back completely; but Im getting there; under Gods care….
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I can see myself simply going to a class on the campus.. It hasn't been like this since I was a boy. However; its not near what I was like as a boy; but it is near! It is….. I mean; I need more; I need to become stronger. But I am seeing signs of becoming free; fee inside; Free indeed! Im seeing signs of it; but pure strength comes from working with experience… it will take along time to build something within me that is real and stronger; all good things under Gods Kingdom.
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It is happening!
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So; Now its a kind of ( Work on myself waiting game). Ive got a lot of Grind to work on; the same as a Gamer Grinds in MMORPG’S...Online… Sometimes in Games; a gamer has to work through a lot of quests to get anywhere; or to save up enough sheckles to buy that new suit of Armor!
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WORK Grind…
I have to get up to speed for the things I want; this can happen when I believe Im going to get them….
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Wife
House
Car
Money
Talents
Hobbies
Education
Occupation
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When I believe Ill get these things; they will start showing up.
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Ive already advanced in several of these areas; Just a bit; A little bit; Just a tad bit; but its noticeable, openings and 3 dimensional thoughts; dimensional spaces where the universe would create scenes for me of my coming life; where I was given the insights to see into the future. But I could not see complete details; Instead I could barely see blur… but outline with colors… Just enough; but I could feel the 3 dimensional space… I could look into it; as if standing on the far side of a Kitchen looking into it.
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THE GRIND;
The grind is; Waiting game of work. Im on a slow dredge forward; slight incline moving upward; like a long lazy highway going on a mountain pass for 40 miles; steep enough one needs a car with muscle…. But long enough that one knows ( This is going to take a long time). Its that slow climb up the mountain pass…. .
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it takes work. Its like the learning years…
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Lots of Grind… Cant get there. Haven't earned it. Its like starting out in the 1st Grade; But wanting to be in the 6th grade. Cant get their from here…
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So; what do I do; Start the awkward work of it. Its a real shallow immature unknown beginning. Its kind of like being immature and innocent and unknowing at the same time and then learning in the unknown.
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So; Im on the next step forward… moving upward; slowly… Ill use this concept; ( God is teaching me and helping me to develop into an adult who makes adult decisions and can live my life as an adult…. So I can get something out of life….
So; its about growing upward with God help… Because Ive asked God to help me grow….
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And so; the movements forward; are grinding… These are development paths….. they have to be experienced and if I am to get something out of it; Ive got to earn my own away….
So; God is showing me how to earn my own way in my specific situation. The rest of the world will not know what that means; but I do…
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Dating;
I am starting to wake up; and Im starting to wake up internally from God; Im starting to see the insanity of dissociative disorder.
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One of the main issues is; pure derangement.
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I don’t necessarily need a car money and a job to have a girlfriend; BUT YOU DO! ; But; One needs to be like sane to understand the difference of whats expected. Fine; ya know; That means other areas of my personal life are working. And Im able to communicate with a women in some form to handle a relationship or at-least attract someone that accepts me as I am; but all of that speaks of some kind of confidence or interactive ability. Some kind of Sanity.
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So; Now; without the help of any original family system or time period; With Gods help; Im slowly getting the original inner me back; the innocent kid back… meaning I REALLY AM! Getting that kid back; hes already here.. Hes already putting his memories and feelings of things back in my nervous system and my memory; Thats not all; God is installing not only God wisdom but sanity and practicality of everyday reality and living…
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In the Beginning…
DATING; Suddenly I know; I young man aught to or really needs or has to have; or is taught; He needs to have a Job and car if he wants to date a girl ( young women)! I mean; I can feel it; the small child in me; my inner child inner being; the original me returning to me; knows this; can see this; IT all got dissociated from me. But now; under God; its all starting to come back; the values or morals. Im old now; but just beginning to understand the importance of the conservative life.
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Im really seeing it; I need a car and a job if I want a girlfriend. Philosophically and realistically. I mean; Im seeing it. Unfortunately I would not be able to be part of that reality when young and I missed out. Now; Im getting that information on my own and from God and my inner being… Im putting 2 n 2 together and figuring it out for myself; for the way of things. Im starting to emotionally connect. Many things in society are showing up within me; its an inside job; no one told me anything; I mean sure; I mean; they have; but Im getting this stuff from my inner being and the universe…
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I mean; Im starting to wise up and get it and so the universe is helping me get back into alignment…
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I think what happened to me when younger; I got played by bad people who took advantage of me; someone with mental illness; its kind of that simple; I was alone; I weak and others led me on and then dumped me for the fun of it; they lied to me; I didn’t know me; I had no family; I had no one…. They led me on into a ditch.
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So; this is truly marvelous news; This is the kind of news any human being would collapse for. It means I get ( from the ground up); to start over again from the beginning… and thats whats happened.
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technically that is whats happening here; Im beginning my true child self again. The only problem is; Im a senior citizen. And so; this is interesting… I asked for all of this; and its happening… its really happening. Im becoming one with myself again; or SELF! One whole me… Kinds of!? Its not that simple; but it is; The proof is showing up over n over…
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I don’t have the original people with me; but it doesn’t seem to matter to Jesus; hes giving myself back to me anyway; and its truly like walking on water….
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The insights of that time period are showing up…
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Im showing up… its like Ive walked out of a grave and come back to life; Ive been literally and figuratively resurrected. Its a start…
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I am old tho; And being old… That means others see me as old; because I look old ( smile); Like Im suppose to. I look my age… great! I look old… I think I look my age… Thats exactly the way its suppose to be. LOL…
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My inner child; my inner being alive and vibrant within me.
The point is; its weird but wonderful; and its not that weird; its wonderful.
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Its like youth coming back into someone;
Its like someone who always wanted to be a Punk rocker and be in a punk band. And they turn 80; and become that Punk Rocker for real. Not fake. Their here now as that youthful person; and they simply pick up a guitar and start singing.
They live here now. Because of God; Jesus; God! Universe… Holy spiritus… God brought it about. I asked for it.
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And one finds themselves; what is the next move. For example; I was day dreaming; I saw myself talking a class at the community college; taking sculpture… and it seems so natural and possible.
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However; it hasn't even been possible for me to do anything for 50 years… So; with all the work Ive done spiritually, contacting God; this is the reward… it was not like this before. And it would have never turned into this without my relationship with God; This is a present from God…. This is a present from God; TO be here now without a past. Or to the past and have worked on it; but it is of no interest; its more of a learning situation… Something to gain wisdom from; from the past. Something to learn from as I venture out into reality again.
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So I am being taken care of by the Universe; The hand of God is truly upon me taking care of me.
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Now; I have to figure out what to do with my life now that its present…
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Basically; I have no past; no more then I did at 6 years old or 7 years old. I remember watching Christmas shows; Thats all the past I had…
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How strong is this new Identity; Im not sure strength is important right now…
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So; its not very strong… but it is present….
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The original child in me can be seen looking around; looking outside of me; this vessel. He is here; present I can see him. He has materialized again….
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My Inner child!
I tell you this; HE WAS GONE. HE WAS IN HEAVEN AND GOD BROUGHT HIM BACK AND RESURRECTED HIM INSIDE OF ME> AND I CAN SEE HIM>
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IT IS HE WHO IS LOOKING OUTSIDE OF ME RIGHT NOW; HE IS PRESENT… AND I MUST PRAY TO KEEP HIM HERE AND SAFE…
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God has enemies on this planet; they are everywhere….
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God will protect him; me! He is just looking around; that's all he does. He has not been outside here for a long time… he has been lost and gone for a long time…. He has been hidden for a long time… He has been deeply hidden for a long time…. A long long time…. And God has resurrected him. He is present now again.
No one will know the miracle of what God has done for me; God does; Jesus Does; Holy spirit Does; Angels do; Universe does… For this is my Justice league…
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In the Video game world; The woke Suicide Squad; The evil criminal characters of this video game MMORPG; they kill of the Justice league; Superman, Batman, Wonder Women, Flash and Green Lantern…
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In the real world; My Justice league; Jesus, God, Universe, Holy Spiritus, Angels of God; They cant be Killed… It wont work… They cant be brainwashed through Woke agenda; They cant be assassinated; it doesn’t work on the Universe. They are as solid as a ROCK! They are the true power on earth. The true power in the universe….
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NOTE; They are Stars; a group of them; they run the Universe. They are Stars that are live; who think and are aware… and communicate… They communicate with humans through a humans imagination.
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They are the ROCK I build my House on!
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So; I can see myself building but I must be stronger… cant say it any better then that; working with God; getting more inline with God…. Identifying with God. Trusting God… Learning to trust God…learning to depend on God.
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So; right now the most important thing is to keep up spirituality… Keep meditation. Keep working toward my Gods with Gods help. Keep working with the laws of attraction.
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4th steps… from 12 step groups…
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Keep bowing down to God; keep it up. Because its surrender to God; that is what gets me what I want…. So asking for what I want; and surrendering to God… thats whats important….
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Learning to surrender to God…
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Working with God…. Only working with God as main power source. God supplying support people.
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Taking all things to God…
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and continuing with the Grind.
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NOTE; A past fantasy;
The ability to suddenly go to school again and be part of things and finish a class of some kind.. I mean; did I ever think this would happen for me… I mean; its just like suddenly upon me…. Its not closed. Its open. Theres no stress; its kind of a peacefulness… like it was when I was young…. We will see…
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Something new that has happened; Something in my imagination has happened; One of the big gaps associated with relationships and House n money and car n…..
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My imagination lurched forward; That means it moved literally; moved forward.
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So; what has happened; Ive lurched across a bridge over a gap right into the arms of new people in my imagination; These are new people that are created in my imagination to help me. And I had to walk into them to be accepted into that new fold God was creating for me; and thats actually what happened. Its hard to describe accept Ive walked forward into them; Ive walked forward! and its like walking forward down a lonely road and suddenly Im not alone anymore; arms come out from each side of the pathway; and they kind of pull me in as I continue down the pathway…. They come in around me securing me and moving me forward… Security is what I would call it; security that guarantees Im being boomeranged into my future.
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and arms are around me as if Ive been pulled into the group; and they close the back off; So; Im pulled into a place with others… and Ill be working with them now. Im up to speed with them; don’t have to go backward…
These are the new people Ill be working with. And that represents the new people that are taking the place of what I remember of yester-year that are not around anymore. God moved me forward through the gap; beyond the gap; over the gap; bridge over the gap I walked and ended up on the other side of energy river to start my life.
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What is very important about all of this; God has brought an answer to me; its taken the work ive done to get down a pathway and given me longevity . In my imagination; Now Im not lone anymore down the pathways….
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Ill have new friends to depend on and work with and to meet new people… and its like slowly moving into society again; thats what happening here. Moving into a new life because Im getting over the old one.
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So this is a big move forward; it also suggests Ive become open minded enough to move into a new world; thats what it really mean. Im learning to humble myself under God and God is rewarding. However this Humble thing is a drag out war with me. At-least I know I have to lose to win; no way around it; I got to surrender to God… I have to… so I work on it. God has the answers to my life; but I wont connect with God at Gods level. Im to hi n mighty; Ive got allot of work to do….
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In my imagination; The idea of being lurched forward down my pathway and suddenly Im hunkered down with a blast of new people in a positive sense; opening up all kinds of new social goals… meeting new people.
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This is a dream come true. I had no idea how this problem was going to be answered… but God answered it…
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I can see it and feel it in my imagination… At some point Ill be in the real world working on what is in my imagination.
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So; an answer after much work. I can see these people; That means Ive got people to talk to about where Im at at the moment and to move forward with there help.
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its an answer…..
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Does this make sense; Pause; Its an answer; Thats what counts; the process down the God pathway finally moving forward… Cant wait for other things to show up…. Cant wait for all of this to start maturing and see where all of this goes…
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This is an enhancement for all goals… It means the support family Im looking for will show up; its already showing up in my imagination… God put it their; not me. And it means Ive made the trek from the old family system I had as a child; Ive matured to a point of acceptance to let go of that old family support; and trust God enough walking on water with faith in God. Suddenly its taken me to a land of new people playing the role of support and family; but its more then that; its like being caught in the snares of a fishing net; a net pulled up by the workers in a boat; and once aboard; I go where the boat goes; no looking back… its a solid journey forward; Im on my way.
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And how does this feel? And it feels like Im accepting reality again; feeling better in it. Meaning; Ill meet new people and use them for support; it means Ill be moving on down my pathway; that's what it means..
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Learning from God; Just keep going…
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Taking care of Business;
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ON TO ANOTHER FRONT! WHAT CHANGES HAVE BEEN OCCURRING !
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I seem to be on to something; through Gods interventions….
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Im starting to show a consistent…
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Im showing some interesting signs.
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Im starting to see and work on the possibility of needing a solution; and Im solving problems with out others intervention. This means; Im dealing with the problem myself directly. Im aware of the pain involved; especially dealing with the stress of bureaucracy.
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However; with Gods true tutoring and help; a strange thing has been happening for about the last year…
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Atho I have a mind ripped and weakened to pieces and ravished by long term severe PTSD CPTSD problems; And severe Dissociative disorder with many horrible side effects and symptoms… Agoraphobia and other problems from severe brutal long term exposures to trauma; A strange effect has been occurring…
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At the lower end of my existence; I seem to be able to pace 2 n 2 together and stay consistent on calculating; And this; in the face of and sitting directly on the areas of mismanagement and disfigurement and pain within my personality; meaning; Where the pain and damage is; within my personality; the absolute places of rupture and weakness and disfigurement; I seem to be able to calculate right in the middle of this use of the personality; and all of this while Im still weak and dissociated.
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It seems a new space has been created within the middle of this damage; its not hooked to anything; I just sits on top or on the bottom or the sides; its an independent space; but Ive been using it to handle stressful problem that need to be solved in the outside world. Its like this lower bottom ended area that has its own realm; space and its calculates and I seem to be strong enough to stay present by joining it and hiding in that space with it; its like a secret hiding place I can crawl up into; I can join the dry calculating ability as I seem to be able to unbelievably start something; follow it through in the real world and finish it… Or in other words; calculate what is the problem; work through it consistently with my eyes open; and approach the necessary elements of change within the outside world. What does this mean; It means Im taking on challenges a Case manager would take on for a crippled person. I am the crippled person and Im playing the case manager for the crippled person and; IM HAVING SUCCESS.
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This part of me that is showing signs of follow through in the outside world; follow through that helps solve problems and give relief; This part of me is under stress; and most of this is ultra tedious grind and boring and scary. Its very frightening and yet I seem to be slowly coming back to the ability to handle such real world tasks… and face some of the obstacles in those tasks… And this was truly impossible before…
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For most of my life; Ive needed a case manager of some kind for this…
Im not shying away from handling these situations; I seem to show favor dealing with them.
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And the fact Im showing favor toward such battle fields is really incredible because; Im cringing and dieing inside the whole time.
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Im dissociating and losing it the whole time; but at the same time; Ive got this other part of me calculating and handling situations… it is independent of that part of me damaged; its seems to be an area unfolding of its own strength and circumference.
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The point is; this is incredible to have this area of independent strength and substance.
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This concept survival ability; it has been showing itself in many ways in the last year….
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Here is an example of this…
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I have certain privileges given to me from a local Agency. Its legal… However; suddenly I realized those privileges were taken from me. So; This has to do with business and Law!
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The last place for a dissociative brain is in the realities of Business and Law; this make me cringe…
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Nothing causes fear then areas that require maturity.
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HOWEVER,
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Knowing of the problem; freaking out over the fear of it. I was able; after awhile; to take care of the Grind dry boring business associated with contacting the world; making contact; communicating; and one by one; investigating what needs to be done; and I started making phone calls. And that hurts and causes great fear; I hate rejection….
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I forced myself; but its better then that; I was strengthened and confident enough in the face of my disabilities; to ride my mountain bike several miles away to these Agencies; pic a number; wait like the rest of them; and when my number was called; walk up to a callas clerk; and plead my case; stay my ground. Ask curious questions; exposing my vulnerabilities; Telling the truth.
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The clerk was brass and affrontive. She was crude/rude…. Almost attacking like; but I withstood it. And I survived it.
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I thought; Now that I know what other agencies I need to talk to; I got home and called some numbers and actually got through to humans; and from there; Got to the next phone numbers to call…
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And I was put on hold for numerous hours; they had to text me and call me back… And it worked. I got a text and a call a few minutes later…
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And I had to explain my situation and wait to here the outcome…
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I ended up hanging in there; and re filling out new paper work where I had been mistakenly dropped from certain privileges months before but didn’t know. However; I found out I could re apply; and I did. And I made it through the process and everything was restored… I had success!
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THE MAIL BOX. Nothing has driven more crazy the facing the Mail Box… For a very long time in my adult life…
I could not go near the mailbox; I would let it go for months…
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However; in this last year I have seen improvements. Improvements to the point of the last several months; improvements that have shocked me.
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I did not want to come out of my apartment… ever… maybe for 12 step meetings and that was all.
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I could not deal with any other reality.
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Today; right now; Ive been to my mail box several times in the last several weeks; I was able to handle the frightening concept of the fearful mail.
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Because I never answered the mailbox; Never opened it… I would gain more fear of what might be in it.. I would avoid it.
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Today; Ive opened it several times in the last few weeks; that means Ive walked to the mail box on the other side of the building; down the hallways… Outside…
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And in answering this call; opening the MailBox; I was able to face rummaging through the mail each time after getting it to my dwelling. And in so doing; NOTHING! No mail out of date; no problem; To a point; For the last several months; No mail in the mail box. And the reason this stress does not exist; because I was my own case manager and I faced it numerous times and already cleaned out the mail box and rummaged through the mail and dealt with what ever was there….
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And now; I have this strange weirdness. Im much quicker at answering the the mailbox. I still have that stressful problem of AVPD Avoidance personalty disorder. But I also have the ability to go beyond it like never before and face the problem in the outside world; this is also in the face of agoraphobia…
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SO;
Here I am in my dwelling place; and I don’t have a mail problem right now; the mail has been answered and the rest didn’t have any importance; and the mail box has been cleaned out fairly well for months….
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Here I am sitting her at my computer with no mail in the mailbox. I wonder who did this; who answered the call; to clean out the mail box; Well; its me. Its the child in me becoming less afraid of the outside world; He is shining and happy and smiling along with the adult in me; And God is watching intentively to make sure Im Oke.
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If we add in the other areas of responsibly Ive been taking lately; this last few years and last 6 months and last 2 months and mainly the last few weeks; If I take this into consideration; I would say a part of me is taking over and better at facing reality and doing things I set out to do… Im starting to live in reality again; thats what it appears is happening; its all from God… .
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Im watching this new aspect of myself; Im watching it materialize. I can hardly believe it… Its almost scary…
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Im seeing what I believe is happening; What is happening? A greater manifestation through God. Im actually getting a foundation for the manifestations God will bring me; For the first general large manifestation from God is; getting me outside into the real world and learning to live in it and take responsibility for myself within it. And that is exactly what is happening. And Im shocked that Im able to face things and handle things and follow through this frightening things I could not face before.
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However; the reason Im facing them is hope; I believe so much that there is a life for me outside Im starting to believe and have a reasons that I GET to be responsible. My O MY; isnt that a new state of mind and attitude; my Goodness!
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SO; I want to be responsible; to become responsible because it benefits my ability to survive in reality and thrive.
I mean; not that long ago; this would have been a dream or maybe a science fiction book I wanted to write.
It seems literally; IM LIVING THE DREAM!
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Yet; Im still the scared broken person in my apartment with Agoraphobia; Dissociative disorder and DID. And DID Is still well and working in my life; I still pass out and many other things…
AVPD; Avoidance personality disorder; alive and well. Maturity problems… and Anxiety and Dysthymia depression…
And many other things…
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And yet; another part of me is advancing outside! IM like; What is this? What is going on here? Who is this? Who is this; how is this happening? Its fantastic… What ever is going on; Ill just keep up what Im doing and let it develop.
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What Im seeing;
if this continues and I continue to face the outside world with confidence and vigor. More n more abilities out side will begin to join up with each other; with enough time; a large part of me will be connection itself with different areas in the outside world and well; Ill be living in the outside world more then in my apartment… I mean; it will be like getting back personal power in the outside world. And this is pure God…
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This is pure Manifestation….
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Let me give another example of what could happen with this new found ability to have a better attitude about facing the outside.
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Im a bicyclist who cannot work on my own bikes; I cannot; Dissociative disorder; I cannot; and AVPD and developmental trauma disorder; I cant face anything; it triggers to much long term PTSD…
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And yet; Now; part of me seems to be able to face things where in the past I could not; with having the same disabilities and same history.
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I believe what is going on is… I believe so much in life and that I have a chance in life that a part of me is developing into a go getter; someone going after what they want in life; and its showing up at the beginning levels of just taking chances in life at different segments of life… taking chances and following through.
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However; right now Im just exercising with this; its just small exercises of development I think; However; what is going here; is before the ability to exercise a concept.
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This is before that. So… Im just starting out. Im learning how to connect with each half of self out in the real world…
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Im starting to see what I would need to be a husband; I can see myself working with God through this gap to keep going and Im believing more n more Ill be there; Ill become that person in a long while; I have allot of swamps to cross and fields n hills and valleys n slopes and peaks to climb and barrel over; But Ill get their….
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Im on the pathway; I have confidence; I can feel it; Im going to become that person; if I earn it under Gods sovereign state.
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Im excited to see whom God is sending my way when I get their.
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Im also feeling it a bit; just a little bit; Im feeling like Im going from age 4 to 41/2 when it comes to cars….
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This is good; but; unfortunately; there is no movement in this area; but there is movement in me in general forward that puts this forward. However; Ill keep working on it. .
Something about cars that got buried in me in concrete when I was young; and I have to deal with it; working digging ripping that concrete out to get to the original me before I was hurt by sexual abusers… and others….
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So; I have allot of work to do on cars. Keep at it. Keep working with God;
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All I see is PTSD and sexual abusers; their houses; inside their houses…
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It seems cars and sexual abusers are hooked together. I mean; I see that time period of adolescence; when I see cars; or the time period of thinking about independence. So atleast I get it; I mean; its PTSD all over the place… I can feel it burning inside me; So; cars are directly under or embedded in this time period of abuse….
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From a positive side of it; it means Ill be working with God to uncover this abuse and the years of abuse before this and after… That whole time period thing where it leads up to sexual abuse and horror and after… And looks like if I want cars bad enough; I ll have to work through this. Dear God please be with me amen…
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Its a fear of growing up; I look back at all that I missed from 7 years old on; I learned nothing was prepared for nothing… and never had a foundation for having a car.
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I want my own foundation for a car; and then when I truly believe; Ill start working for something; toward something.
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NOTE’; Not Yet; for the car. I don’t know what It will take; I think I have to see my Father out of the picture; I have to accept he will never be in the picture; There was no father… So; Ill have to work with GOD on this one.
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TALKING TO WOMEN;
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So I was talking to a few people in an intimate setting; one being a women… and opened up about somethings and was able to say I had no self esteem; nothing..
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Something else super important happened while talking and looking this women in the eyes; suddenly I had this clarity; Instead of judging the other person; I gave of myself enough to set things up to make it easy for the other person to take interest in me. I gave to them.
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What did I give; It was like; I appreciated them. I thinking about them; and the focus was on theme for a moment. And really; how worthy they were of my time.. they meant something to me… and thats all I wanted to give; I didn’t want to talk about myself for that moment; I wanted to appreciate and give what ever they needed… and it aligned perfectly… I think Im saying all of this correctly.
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And so for a moment in my history; I did something right… But then; as fast as it came; it went; but it did happen…
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And this is whats been missing all this time.
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But; as I opened up in this meeting; I realized; things happen for me when Im around other people…
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I have to keep trusting God…
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But what happened tonight is so important.
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It was like; she was worth the fight as I was talking to her; or; Im worth the fight to be noticed so Im going to do what I can to set it up right for her to be able to receive from me. What ever it was; it was right! And their was no judgment for a moment because I wasnt thinking about me or what I wanted; instead; I gave to her enough that it made everything smooth out.
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After that I fell back into the; Im putting up my ego so I don’t look bad in front of someone.
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Im learning.
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This is what I know; its one more lesson learned through experience. Hopefully God will bring more people for me to practice on… Ill pray for it; Im praying for it now; amen.
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STALKERS IN THE MEETINGS;
I have to deal with this…
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In addition; not everyone is my friend…
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In general I will be praying about relationships and the ability to meet more people and talk to them under God…
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The smarter the people or more mature; the better I do… the more appreciate the better. I always see myself back in that room where more sexual abuse occurred. Every time I think of intimacy with someone; thats what crawls into my mind; sexual abuse.
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