July 2025
June 2025
The main goal is to get over FIRST LOVE…
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What does that mean; it means there is no more First Love; but Im still being controlled by it; by the memories…
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They have a hold of me. Im now working that I have a hold of them. I want to break through. That is what is important; breaking through… Thats what Im working on… Thats whats most important right now. Nothing else is important; just this.
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I drill through this by getting way below Gods shrine as I pray to God and imagine Im drilling through the earth under God with my hands… meaning to become humble so that God can bring me a new life.
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The point is; when Im humble and Im underneath or below God; I have a chance to look upward and take an interest in a real life; Not a bunch of rumination from the past. I can actually look forward to something real. Thats what counts…
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I know its all a lie; all of it in my head.
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Ive broken through many things with Gods help and Im going to break through this as well. It will be like a Water breaking through a dam… thats the goal; just have to keep at it until I come out on the other side.
It could be this persons memory is also associated with the time period of sexual abuse; they are both tied into each other. So breaking through one breaks into the other and that might be whats stopping my mind from going forward.. What ever it is I will be attempting to break through; Ill working at it all the time; This is the most important aspect I have; to break through this and come out on the other side to start over again.
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I just want my mind free of the lies. Its like Im drunk with resentments I don’t even want anymore. I don’t want them; they are making me sick; drunk and they are a place where I avoided to; like an addiction. I don’t want to avoid anymore. Im trying to set goals for my future… These things have no place in my future life… I want a new life.
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So; its like breaking through a wall. Ill keep at it moment after moment after moment. I dissociate and avoid. And Im going to beat this thing and break through; God will help me.
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Ive made allot of progress but I have to keep digging in until its all gone. I have not broken through anything.
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I broke through concerning occupational stuff; Music Art and Writing creating; it looks like; Im just now seeing some break through at deeper levels with writing. However; Ive been breaking through with it anyway. Guitar has been breaking through. Memorizing lyrics has been breaking through.
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Many areas have been breaking through.
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Now; Im on to relationship stuff; and that means breaking through to the other side. I don’t know how long this will take; but Im getting wholly tired of it. I don’t want my nervous system hanging on to anymore; Im getting mad about it… Im tired of it…
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I think I have to go back to 4-5 years old; 3 1/2 years old; ask God to help me break through.
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It may take 6 months; I don’t know… it will take what it takes to be free of this; I want my brain back; its mine; I want it back; its been living in a swamp from the past; living their; I want out; I want free of it; thats what Im working on.
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I have to continue to get up to speed with this until Im full force under God and breaking through… breaking relationship problems into the present. The fact Im a victim is true; but now Im being victimized by my nervous system protecting me. I don’t need to be protected anymore. And I want out.
So; Thats what I will be working on. This is wholly frustrating.
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