July 2025
June 2025
So; Im learning in dissociative disorder; Ive been gone for a long time and far far away.
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As I wake up on a distant planet; It means I can make preparations to travel from that planet back home again to mother earth. And thats whats happening.
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Im waking myself up and Im waking up to the things I want on mother earth and the things I want to do on mother earth…
Its up to me; its my responsibility; if I have a problem; I go to recovery and sponsors and mainly God. IF I need more I can go to a therapist; However; thats not been necessary for years. I get plenty of therapeutic value at my 12 step meetings at this point… No need to be in a small room with some middle aged women trying to learn how to interact again.. ive done all that.
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So; now its about working through certain aspects of dissociation… And that means writing stories of who I want to become; and keep at it and keep thanking God 10000 times a day on paper and prayer… over no ver over as if Ive already Got this; already experienced it… Over n over n over; until I become present again..
This is exceptionally difficult; not impossible; but its at the heart of dissociation and that means lots ofv AVPD; and trying to avoid pain here..
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SO THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE TODAY:
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Im not from the Ivy league; Im from the bowling league…
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God is right out in front of me… and I walk forward. Lets say I walk flat on the ground taking several steps forward; and suddenly say to God “ I want something”; Oke. Me and God talk; and work things through. Im still at that basic level I started with.. the ground level. Me and God work out the beginning plans of what I want. Ill have to become the person that matches what I want under Gods care and sovereign state. And through God; work my way into a new way of thinking; and then into a new life under God… Im always at bowling league not Ivy league level. My feet are always flat on the ground; they don’t leave. Now cloud jumping…
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What Im finding; what about friends; I don’t have any… I mean; I have some. But Im asking God; where are my people; my friends… Who am I… Ive never been around anyone that values me or respects me; Nothing… And so; those people that do not respect me fully are not my friends… So then; Where are they; my people who represent my friends; those who respect me?: Ill be working with God on establishing this area…
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Activities; same thing… I never had a career; hardly ever had jobs of any importance; never functioned… Now what… Where in outer life do I fit in..
Ive fitted in 3 places… The bar; My apartment and the recovery rooms; what about the rest of life; where do I fit in. Altho I go to allot of meetings; I don’t really fit in with allot of people in those places because they don’t respect me or many wouldn't know what to respect of me. They just don’t; and expecting them to is crazy..( and Im not there for that) So; Im at this point of not worrying about the past anymore; Ive worked through most of it; I was mentally ill and dissociated from reality and then made bizarre decisions to be around normal privileged kind of people; people with no respect or understanding or interest in people like me. What this means; “ They were never my friends”. How could they be; why would they be. They didn’t respect me or even care to know me; they were not my people. It never worked.. I was always used and treated as meaningless or I meant nothing to them. Finally thrown away.
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They are not my people. So; Im getting it; this is not bad… It means Im literally creating under God a changed attitude. I don’t need anyone from the past. Ive got God and a starting place. Im not fooled by the lies of the past anymore; I get it…
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I am in recovery; However; not allot of those people really see the real me or care; and that is fine and has to be fine because; Many of them are; “ Not My People”. I just go to meetings. If I want to know who my people are; Ill have to work with God to find them… God Universe knows who they are.
So; Im not NEEDING to rely on the past… Thats the message; thats the big big big message. All that other; all that past; lots of it has been worked through; through 12 step work; 4th step… God recovery work; therapy at times; Success based thinking processes the Rich get rich and so on… many more things…
Im at this point; where that part of my life has kind of filled in… So; Im not longing for any of that past or dying from it or expecting anything; Im present and Im Oke. Ive Got my problems; but the past is not one of them. The past is gone… Im present; Im here now! I have a full life here now; Or I will when I get moving on it with God Pathway… But Im here…
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So; here I am; working with God down God pathway right in front of me. God is right in front of me because Im going down a God Pathway. Im at level ground and wont be leaving level ground. Im not rising upward through the clouds in my fantasies getting accepted to the local Country club or Yacht club where I become some one. Im already someone; and today if I have nothing; No problem; As I move forward outward down God pathway; Ill work with God and my recovery spiritual tools to learn how to take care of myself and gain the things I want at ground level. Im at the level of the bowling league; Not the Ivy league…
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NOTE: This is the first time Ill ever reach out into society and find my place like this. I explored as a small small boy. This is the first time as an adult; for this to happen; I would have had to have come through portions of my adolescence and teen years and young adult years. Well; Im working through my adolescence years and this God pathway is all part of that… and I couldn’t be happier… Im sad never being around anyone who has ever cared about me; or known me; or at the level of my equal… Ive simply never been around anyone that respects me or knows me… Its like Ive been vanished or invisible.
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Its me working with God. And their it is… Im not interested in what others are doing or who they are; I don’t care… They are not my focus.
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I do want to meet my people; those people that value me and cherish me. However; Ill have to work down a friendship pathway under God and locate them under Gods help and care and within Gods sovereign state. No side quests; I stay with God these days.. I let God know what Im looking for… And work with God…
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So; many many areas of development; mainly all of them are of personal interest to me….
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When it comes to “ people who relate with me and I with them”; work and social of a place and nature that respects me; sees me; values me; discovers my worth. Thats what Im working with God…
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Where do I go; where do I fit in; in the outside world.. where would that be… And that is what Ill be exploring under Gods care…
God is protecting me… Gods Angels are protecting me….
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So again; where Im at; where Im headed; Im headed down a God Pathway working with God to build a new life in all aspects. As I walk down that path; God is in front of me; When I want something; Ill stop and ask God about it; and work with God and Gods tools to learn how to obtain it… And this means everything I could ever want… I work through things after praying and meditating on it. And then go down a God pathway and stop and work with God on it… Using Gods tools; the universe brought me.
Im at ground level; Ill have nothing to start with but curiosity; I will have to work through God for everything that I want; And thats Ok ( thats the whole point); And I do not believe anymore nor care nor will I allow anyone else involved in this; This is my gig with God; no one elses. That doesn’t mean God doesn’t bring many people in to help me; Ill be doing nothing but asking for help all the time; but this gig is my life right now; starting right now; between me and God; and my Pathway… Theres no one from the past; nothing…
The people from the past I thought valued me or respected me did not ( I did not know; but then they never came to me to be friends; I went to them). I understand now; I was around the wrong people; those people could never respect me; impossible. I made a mistake.
I did not work with God when I was young finding the right people. And I ended up with the wrong people. Now; I know better; Ill work with God finding my place in the outside world; places; and the people that respect me in them; All under Gods care and work..
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So; Im not matured in this area yet; but Im on my way to it for this… I am but Im not; its to premature… Ive only been out of the cave for like 2 days now…
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So; all things in a pathway; a God Pathway… and I move forward with God; I don’t need to be anyone else then who I am…
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God will teach me how to become ME in the real world By getting me to safe places first; with the right people. Ill work on this. Its new to me; being around the right people.
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So again. This is a place earned; its a place well beyond any fake friends or false relatives that never cared about seeing me again or that I was born. This is well beyond any family system I came from when young.
What is happening to me is; What should have happened for me when I was a boy and teenager; to be taught and developed into learning how to become independent and work with God down my own pathway where no one else owes me anything or is responsible for my livelihood or interest in life accept me through God… Im not suggesting the right people come along and want to help out; thus my responsibilities are being helped a little; no problem; sure; if I manifest them under God because God has accredited such situations. Meaning; I ask for help; and I ll have to and many many of my interests; we will see what direction God sends me down. No one owes me anything because its new. I ask God for what Im thinking about and work toward it with taking Gods advice and direction.
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The point is; Im out of the cave; Ive done the resentment work. Ive been outside in reality now for a few days…
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So; Im getting used to being out in reality; it will take a bit a time. And slowly Ill start; when Im ready; with the great experiment; working down God Pathway for my relational development; social development, work/occupational development; ( Im old; Ill be doing hobbies probably); However; its good to know…
Places; where do I end up and around what people; who are my people; I mean; is it a big Artist co opp. I don’t know… God does.
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NOTE: GOD KNOWS: THE UNIVERSE KNOWS EVERYTHING IM ASKING ABOUT: THE UNIVERSE KNOWS EVERYTHING: PEOPLE AND PLACES AND THINGS>..
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Im not suggesting Im doing my journey alone. I have all kinds of 12 step groups and other things; Im not alone. They are not perfect tho.
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Am I really saying what I want to say…
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When working with The universe God… I talk to God about what I want; and I have to get up to speed and be ready for what I want; I work with God on this… However; I have to get up to speed.
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Right now; Im working on keyboards; musical stage piano keyboards. I don’t know which I need or want.
Im just not mature enough in all of this to know. So; I work with God. I continue to write stories about it.
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So; at some point as I nudge God for the answers for a new piano; the right kind; I continue to work at it everyday… and when I work at something I get closer…
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I want to say; as I pester God about what I need to do to get up to speed for a new piano; God also lets me know; Im using the piano like a 6 year old with little interest. So; Im asking God to help me get a better work dedication to my music software and programs and sequencers I would use with this piano when its hooked up to the computer…
Dissociation; This has caused laziness and immaturity. Altho my system was trying to protect me it also kept me from Growing… So; Im attempting to learn how to work.
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Im learning how to work with my music equipment; electronic music equipment more n more; a little everyday to show God Im trying. Im trying to work through dissociation so Im more serious and productive… And that is the goal. Its focused; the activity part of things in life; its focus is music creation.
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Something is stopping me from getting a keyboard; its almost as if I don’t respect what Im going to buy or something. Or Im not really going to use it much; like Im 2 immature or something.
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So; Im not taking the keyboard as seriously as I should. So; Im not up to speed and thus I wont buy it yet. I wont buy it yet because God has not told me to buy it yet; I haven't earned it yet; Im missing a work ethic that would justify its purpose in my life; Im not sincere enough. I don’t respect or appreciate it enough yet; So; Im working with God to find out how to make that happen. I hve to want it; be excited about it. Im missing something; my feelings are dissociated.
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WORKING WITH GOD;
Another main point of importance. I never had this when I was young; I was completely lost and thrown away; completely. I had no one who cared about me or what happened to me; I had fake friends; no family system. The fake friends were using me up until they came out of childhood; and t I was ghosted… That deal was ran by their parents. Another example of meeting the wrong people who did not respect me…
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Today; Im not alone; I have a good relationship with a Higher power for help… I have O so lots of direction.
Im really truly on my own in many many realistic ways… What ever I wanted from society; I don’t expect from society; I work with GOD and I work with God to bring it to me through many hours of working toward what I want by becoming the kind of person under God that is equal to what I want. And the process of this is from the universe. I receive the knowledge of instructions from the universe… it shows up in many forms…
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SO; Im in an incredible situation. However; it is a kind of lonely situation. Im alone; Im not around MY People. God will have to take me to those people.
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Ive been agoraphobic; severely… Dissociative disorder; severely; AVPD and many other problems…
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Hidden living style……...
So; Ive been in one small town in one type of apartment, Before recovery I was in the bar all the time or my apartment with mental illness. Now Im in the recovery rooms. And Im at home in my apartment but not much else in the real world.
Now; However; I have the ability to work with a higher power on dreams and goals out in society; where I fit in and who respects me; who are the people that admire me; value me and respect me. I don’t know; Ive never made a journey to find them.
As Ive mentioned; Ive been around all the wrong people who never respected me. It didn’t work to just find random people and try to make them fit or try to fit in with them; it never worked. I ended up getting emotionally slaughtered and destroyed.
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Today; I would like something different. I have to learn to take responsibility for my people search; soul search; social society search or what ever else search Im suppose to be a part of.
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Oke; So; I think Im making myself clear… Ive worked several years on different resentments; I got through that; I then walked outside the cave and have been outside the cave for the last few days.
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And I have a Higher power and Pathway I can use to move forward toward what I want in life.. That doesn’t sound right. Its correct but a bit different. I get to create magic by walking down a pathway with God in front looking down at me. When I want something Ill ask and work with the universe; Getting the information from the universe. It gets brought to me.
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However; its all new to actually walk a distance down the God pathway. Ive been at the idea of God pathway for awhile now. Ive logged into the God Pathway machine several times. However; Ive not even been able to stand up in the God pathway machine. Im a broken vessel and I cant stand up; the Angels have to help me walk while I grab the railing to the right; Jesus is pushing… The Angels are pulling.
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TO LOOK AT THIS AGAIN AND KIND OF SUM THIS UP:
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First;
When young; My ability to pick friends was flawed. I did not pick people that respected me. I never thought about it; I thought “ hey; they will be like people on TV; they will be nice people”. That is not what happened. I picked bad people who used me; I wasnt special.. I just never understood what was going on. Now I do. I thought “ Im a great person” No one would ever use me; why would they! What I didn’t understand. I found the users. They did not find me… If I wouldnt have found them; they wouldnt have ever bothered finding me. I was of no interest to them.
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The goal socially; Through the God Pathway; work with God on social; the right people; my people; those people that relate with me; people I relate with; And most importantly; people that respect me. Let God pick them through God; filtered through God… People that respect me… that means; “ my People”. The right people Im suppose to be around. That group of people that value me respect me…
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In the society I live in right now; It feel like Im from another planet. No one seems to respect me for anything; Im invisible. Its like I don’t exist. Thank God Ive Got God and a plan.
Im actually having a Spiritual-Renaissance.
I have a solid plan of development with God at the helm. Its actually incredible concerning my background or lack of…
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The fact I don’t need anyone from the past; I don’t need the family system I came from; its hard to say that.
That whole horror nightmare has been replaced… Its replaced by God himself… The Holy spirit; The Angels who are my army; And Gods son Jesus Christ… God the father and the son…. And the Holy one and The universe…
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And I have that backyard in my imagination to practice in; practice several things; practice walking; practice floating down energy river. Practice going over gaps… with the help of the Holy spirit The universe and God …
GOD PATHWAY; This is the most important pure area… For strengthening down God pathway is the commitment. It is choosing God pathway then choosing something else… IT means going in the direction of God Pathway; And allowing God to make the decisions and the outcomes… And staying strictly down a God pathway. Working on all aspects of choice… meaning; Piano keyboards; what choice… relationships… Money… Music creation and many other things…
IT means going down the God pathway and taking it to God and letting God come up with answers and thus; working with the universe and God… amen… No side quests. If God has not given me an answer; keep at it until God does. And getting up to speed is my interest here… Letting God find my people; those people I relate with that respect me! Taking this seriously to find those people.
Learning how to take responsibility for my life for the things I want; the things mentioned; careing enough to take interest in what I want; like people who respect me; taking nothing less… Work with God down God pathway on this…
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Ive spent years working on these things; it feels almost like a lifes work… and it is. Im very lucky I have this.. Ive worked through the past; so the past is not my focus anymore….
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Im not surprised Im not respected or liked by people; I havent done the work to find the right people who value me; see me respect me… Meaning; working through God first..
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Its very close to beginning.
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Do I have any issues concerning all of this. Only One. With all the mental illness and problems and broken heart and sorrow; all the damage from being incorrect on who to associate with; giving whats valuable to pigs n swine getting trampled under their feet; All the damage… Not realizing I was never dealing with people who valued or respected me.
Its literally taken everyday of recovery of some 30 years of work or more to get to this point. Im grateful. My past has been replaced by God and the universe… And thus I have no past; I do not wish to shut the door on it…. Im aware that those of my past were all liars… They have nothing I want.
My focus is working down that God pathway and learning how to manifest what I want down the God pathway… And keeping down that pathway and no other. Learning how to keep at things and not give up… Keep going until God delivers….. No side quests…
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God has resurrected my life possibilities. Ive been brought to the starting Gate of God Pathway. The next step is working within the God pathway and watching changes occur in my life. The reason God Pathway is so important is; its not part of the world; the Path is a God path and I bi pass the bad things on earth. If I choose to… This time!
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Its all very clear to me now… much clearer…
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I needed God in my life; I had nothing and no one. The people I reached out to did not respect me. They could not; they were strangers; they were not my people. They turned out to be very bad people; sociopath; pathological liars; no conscious; spoiled entitled. I was associating with people who did not respect me and could not. They had no human qualities… It never occurred to me I would have to fight to find the right people of quality I needed to be around; and that would require a guide; and that guide would be the Universe and God…
I had no one; no one looking out for me. Nothing.
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In the meetings I see people like this at times. People who do not have the ability or respect me. However; I stay clear of them; I do not really ever talk to them. Maybe once in a million years. I might see them; but if they do not respect me; I stay clear of them… and goes on permanently.
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The recovery process has been hard. Ive been taken advantage of several times in those places by unscrupulous people.
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However; its all got to where Im at now… and this is truly the start of having some personal security through the universe/God and a new way to live… I don’t need anything from yesterday; mainly because no one respected me from my past because they could not. They were not my people; they had no understanding of me; value for me; respect; nothing… They saw nothing in me; thought me worthless or meaningless; that I meant nothing..
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They said the same thing about Jesus Christ!
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