The Death of a fall'n solider

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Mar 25, 2021 9:40 pm

Being mentally ill induced through mental breakdowns; severe and many of them and many at once; barricades a person from reality.
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My breakdowns have kept me at the level of as non functi-airy position; a position of non functioning of executive abilities. I can do little in reality.. my mind goes to sleep or dissociative when dealing with reality; reality has causes so much damage to my survival abilities; they have been over ran... and destroyed.
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My brother was a solider in Iraq; the Iraqi war... He is a U.S soldier.
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My brother died A week ago. I was found in a field; he had starved to death. He was homeless and with PTSD from War. His early home life was one of tragedy; where he was forgotten or thrown away or put to the side and not taken care of emotionally; he had no one he could bond with or trust; altho He was not completely aware of this. But; he could bond with me or trust me; but I was the little brother; and some how it never really rang a bell with him...
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My brother had gone to the Er a month ago; they said he was starving to death... This; because he had more severe break downs which left him incapable of dealing with reality... Unfortunately he was living out of his car... He'd been doing it for a 1 year.. He would try to stay with others; couch surf... but he was running out of people and other people had to ask other people for him to stay with them. it would not last long; he'd be at one place for a few days and leave.
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I finally caught up with him because I ask God for family to be brought back into my life and it was.. One day; I saw my brother at as 12 step meeting; He had procured a drinking problem after the war. before this; ever never drank...
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I knew my brother and I would get to know each other again. And we sort of did. I know it was a God thing. I had asked for it.
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My brother was homeless. I was living in state housing and it was covid 19; the beginning of it. For some reason; he had to leave his apartment. They were working on it and he had to leave. But he had no replacement.. Thats what he said. I had no place to live; but he seemed to not care; I mean; he was in survival mode and a dazed person... His life was or had been de compensating...
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When I met him; I recognized allot of signs of no self worth or self esteem.. I recognized all of his problems that kept him from functioning in society or around people or in reality; He had been reduced to living in his Car and any Care someone would choose to hand out to him. More favors and not handouts; He didnt beg... He was much higher on the scale then that; or was he?
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When I met him; it was a God thing to help me; not my brother. But in the end; I was helping him; Thus the beginning of executive functioning.
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Executive functioning begin for me last year with a women I liked or liked me from my meetings.
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At Christmas time 2019;
A new girl shows up at the meetings; she looks like a drown rat from the ocean; she tries to talk to me but Im in freeze mode every times she comes close to me. Finally after several months she gives up; I ignore her anyway; For some reason being around her is not helping my dissociative PTSD condition.. She is to overwhelming for me.
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In June; I finally get the go ahead from God to talk to her; to open up and talk to many people; However, Ive had mental break downs and cant talk to anyone... Not really. not interact; to much memories of bad things happening when interacting with everything in reality; my mind is torn to pieces and the space between reality and my realm has been ripped apart; raped and ruptured to the point Im no longer home mentally.
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I have to go ahead to talk to many people and this girl. and I do; a few times out on the steps of the church. The conversations go well with her for a short time; but their is stress; she spends to much time looking at other men; in fact; I may of interrupted her while being viewed by other men and her interest in them.
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I want to say; I kind of feel in love with her early when she first arrived; this caught me off guard. I didnt expect that to happen... I guess the child in me liked her...
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The beginning of executive functioning...
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Executive functioning is; a form of behavior and thinking suggesting of higher self reasoning applicable to a higher more successful interaction with others in the world; something like that.
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The girl from the meetings;
God told me to.....
So; I had permission to move upward in my social abilities; I could see myself talking to this women that liked me... I dont think I had done this before as an adult.. not like this. Id been waiting half my life for this type of thing to open up for me; to freely ask to interact with someone I actually might like. My closed down agoraphobic CPTSD based mind would not let anyone near me.
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I had a few good conversations; short; with this women; But I did something extraordinary for that time.. I shook her hands and ask her to be my friend... I dont know if this was the smartest thing to do. But it was truly asking for a connection to the world I had thought impossible up to that point. So; my interactions with her were representing a greater goal of personal development. This is a God thing; and created by God. Heres the deal; its all created by God for me to get better. all of it; if I choose to move forward with it...
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I ask the girl if she wanted to help me create a song; she didnt; but she didnt tell me that; I did this on purpose that she show she wanted to spend time with me; she didnt... I took that to God; The sign from God; this situation was over with at that point; What ever I was to learn; it was completed; and I went on my way... Another unfortunate situation occurred; I was at a campout with the hope of social development and safety. unfortunate I was put on a boat with 4 women and 3 other guys; I went into complete shock... the one girl sat by me; I went into complete shock and freeze mode; I was out of it for 3 days; PTSD. Way to much; didnt expect that to happen.
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I saw the girl at events at the campout; still checking out other guys; she tried to say hello; I refused; I never really talked to her ever again. I continued to ignore her from that point on. and I did... She finally tried to say Hi one last time; but I refused to say anything to her... and that was the end of that acquaintance... later; a young man; a sociopath smooth talking tho; swept her off her feet; gave her the attention she was looking for. I would not; and I did not. he turned out to be a very bad person. Still is.. They went out for a while; several months.. I finally had to leave the meetings... I could not watch it any longer.
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I came back to the meetings; saw her once; and left again. did not go to those night meetings until recently; about 3 1/2 months later; it didnt go well; same thing concerning this women. Ill keep working with God on it. But; the door is shut in most cases I think. Maybe not; its up to God; Id have to humble myself so much; I dont know if I can do it.. Maybe God can help me; I dont know; I dont feel safe at any level with the person; and Im not sure the person is capable of understanding that... So; I just leave; didnt mean to be mean; but; its like; Im out of here... It could be im scared.
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Anyway; the first executive functioning has occurred through this girl. And I converted with her after asking her to the stair; thus Im starting to wake up from my condition... after 30 years; more probably; since I was 14; so; thats an added numerous years to it... But its happening and ive worked hard... The girl looks like a cover girl; physically extremely good looking; all the guys drool over her. you know.... the type....
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So; Executive functions; I never trusted her after going out with that guy from the park; that put fear in my heart toward her; I wont get within 20 feet of her or talk to her or look at her. I hate being in the same room; she; they are not safe people. I have seen some strange signs the last time I saw her; a few days ago; I did see a mix set of signals; possibly suggesting she might like me. And isn't that nice; but who cares; I mean; I do; but her behavior is not safe... at all... to even be around. I fell in love with her... no problem; I can move on. With Gods help if thats what God wants; and theirs the problem. So; Ill have to work with God on all this stuff... Does this person play anymore roll in my life; Not really; but wait. A few days ago while in the rooms with her. I saw her; looked at her and was totally and completely in love with her; so; that does establish I am in love with her. And I mean; it was a clear signal from God? Yes; Yes it is was; Yes it is! Its from that place in my heart; What does it mean? Thats the problem... All of this is a kind of mystery for me.. to me; one I dont like. Ill be on my way; not going back to where she is... not for another 4 months; or what maybe never... probably not. But I can see that God was showing me I can love again continuously... I think thats what it means... I was not suppose to get near this person. Is this person suppose to know how I feel. or; am I suppose to go to her to practice telling someone for the first time that I really liked; how I feel... Im like; not this person; no thanks... wrong group of people. fear...
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Executive functions;
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On to my brother...
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My brother was homeless. living in his car; mentally ill. Before this I saw him at times; but refused to associate with him. I didnt understand; he was mentally ill much like I was; but I didnt know it. I knew it; but he seemed functioning; but in reality; he was like me but without any knowledge of it. if I knew what I know now? Things would be different.
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He was homeless and just like me when I was homeless but I didnt recognize it. I did but I didnt. I tried my best...
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Executive functions; With my brother; will be the beginning of the creation of executive functions not performed or in my mind since childhood. Well; since college and a few years into it; I will de compensate and lose my mind in the college process more n more and it was already destroyed long before that... as I was being gotten rid of...
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When dealing with my brother; executive functions...
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Ive called out to God for a family; suddenly my brother shows up around me. Ive not gotten along with him for most of my adult life; he started weirding out back when I was a kid; after the psychopaths divorced; so; I stayed away from him because he would not do anything about his weirdness; not the good kind; the mentally unstable dysfunctional kind that puts alarm signals into people; he seemed to be pathological about it and about things... This stemming from early age... and being victimized.
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When he came back to me; I began to get to know him with the intent of hanging around him; 2 brothers who needed each other... and we did for a while. He was out of it... he tried to fit in but it didnt really work in the groups I was in. He had strange behavior. And he acted like he didnt have to address it. What I didnt know is what was going on underneath; he was already destroyed and going under... He was homeless and staying at other peoples houses or in front of their houses. I would argue with him about things rile him up; Now I regret it; Now I know; now I know better.... He was in the throws of dying... His life was destroyed and his mental abilities were being ripped to pieces over n over over...
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I took him into my home; apartment. I let him hang out and stay the night at times. After doing this for a few months... I got tired of it. I was afraid they would kick me out of my apartment. What I didnt realize was; he was homeless.. not just house hopping for a couch... He had no place to live.
And his personality was out of it... demoralized to the point of dissociation all the time. This was do to Military things as well.
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Soon; I made a big error... He came to me later after he hadn't been around for a month and asked me if he could come in; I said no;' I cant do that. I felt put upon; because I thought he was using me and using others; but in reality; he was using no one; he was terrified; had no place to go... horrified; broken down and in the middle of one more mental brake down. He was just a little kid inside dying and terrified and thrown away in a world where no one had loved him and he had been thrown away all his life...
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I did have the opportunity to tell him about his parents and what I actually thought happen; I did not know; he was in a dream world that he had a mother that loved him but did strange behaviors by leaving him. I made it clear what she was and what she had done and how she had planned it. My father abandoned him when young completely.
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He was not aware that he was being used... that his parents had thrown him away for the fun of it... Thus; he trusted my mother the psychopath. He was a broken 12 year old inside.. and thus; fallowed and interacted with my mother all of his life; kind of living off her. She had money; she let him drive a car; but he was acting like her flying monkey... So she didnt mind. He thought she would take care of him; leaving him an inheritance; it never happened and he was not prepared for that; he actually thought he had a future with her... She was going to take care of him. didnt happen; he was like a 12 year old who thought he had a normal mother that loved him. he went into another break down from that. and when he ended up homeless; another break down from reality; and so on and so on...
By the time I knew him he was fairly well gone... mentally. it was hard to talk to him about anying. But I was able to tell him about success based thinking and the ability to start over; I told him about God and the importance of God. And I told him I loved him and he was my brother. I as on his side... And we could be partners and make it together....
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So; I made it that fare...
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However, after numerous months and he would not show up for recovery meetings; I began to wonder what was going on. was I being used by this person. NO; but I didnt know what was going on.
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he finally needed a place to stay again; and came to me but he would not ask me directly; he would kind of shmooz- his way into it. But in reality; that was broken self esteem; nothing more; so demoralized nothing left of him; I know; Ive been their; I Know...
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I did not know what was really going on. He was being dismantled mentally one step at a time into fear and horror...
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Looking back; I would have grabbed him; put him in my apartment; kept him their for a year and made it a commitment to do everything I could to get him housing and safty off the streets because I loved him; he was my brother.... in fact; thats the only sane thing a decent person would do; they would do no less unless one is crazy and cant function to help someone else that cant function. Unfortunately thats what the situation looked like.
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executive functions;
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This was the first time I have ever talked to someone like this since being a kid; talked to them in a helpful understanding way... In a way I called; the use of executive functioning...
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Executive functioning is what a case manager does; pleads someone case; works for getting them housing and money or food or.... gets them off the streets; gets them decent safe place to live; works in their corner as their champ... stays with them.. is their support; friend... This type of ability is not what homeless people possess; I mean mentally ill people... I know; I am one of them... Trauma knocks this out of a person; turns them into a 6 year old.
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So; with my big brother; Im showing the first signs of executive functioning on a regular basis. Im working with my brother trying to help him see things in different ways; telling him about God telling him about success based information... telling him its possible to start over... letting him know I am on his side..
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I did make a mistake when he came back to me later because He wanted to come inside; I said no. But we drove around for a something and then he said he had to go because their was another place he had to be; he had a phone call.. I did not know I just rejected him. And after telling him we were brothers and I loved him a few months ago; but that was the best I could do; I had to protect myself. My housing would have been in jeopardy. but thats no excuse; but being mentally ill is. Ands because of that I could not have someone over all the time; I was not function either; but I was not aware of what was going on.
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I did not see my brother for about month. He was not at the meetings anymore. I called him; he answered; we talked more about our mother and father and what they really were. He kept trying to keep the old narrative about them but it wasnt working.
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Later; I called him about three weeks; but no answer. a week later a women came to my door telling me my brother was in the ER; they told him he was starving to death because he hadn't eaten. I tried calling; but no further. I knew their was a problem; But; knowing my brother; he had other outlets and friends and places to go; But in reality; he had nothing; and no one; he was all alone.
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I tried calling again a few weeks later. thats when a women came to my door and told me they found him in a field dead.. He has starved to death... He left some not paper and scribbled some insanities on it that the food was poison and Aliens or something. I wrote this right before he died..
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I loved my brother with all my heart. He Did go to the VA; but did not tell them everything so he never received the help he needed. And he was in denial about his life and history.
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I was homeless for a year so I know what he was going through; with all of the realities slamming down on him; He didnt have a chance; he died in homelessness alone starving to death and from PTSD..
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Ive learned allot about this; First
1. I was with God the whole time and before and after in deep dependency on God; have been for a long time; so; I was always with God while interacting with my brother... talking him; working with him; with God.
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2. I told my brother I loved him; he was my brother and I was on his side...
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3/. I told him about the recovery process and about my relationship with God. And about success based thinking stuff I work on that can help me get back on my feet.
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4. I told him about the Va; or asked him about the VA and getting help. im not sure I mentioned about getting help through the state...
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5. I told him the truth about his parents and the reality of things.
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6. I told him Id work with him
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I may have told him other stuff...
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The point is; I told him and this is before he died so; someone did love him enough to at least get things started.
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Was it enough; Yes/No! I was right with God and that is very O so important. It wasnt perfect and Im not perfect.
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With more advanced executive functions I could have hung in their longer with him and gotten outside help for him myself in the community; but My God Im a client not the Doctor; I would have taken me years to discover all this...... So; I admit the need for higher level executive functioning if one is going to really make a commitment for someone else. and making a commitment for someone else is a higher level function. So; I was not at those levels; I was just getting started experiencing some of them for the first time.
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So; and working with God on all this stuff daily... and about my brother to God daily... for a long while still......
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I grieve a little... I grieved about him when I was young and never saw to much of him ever again and I grieved because he was not home mentally and I didnt want him around when younger..
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So; I have a clearer view of sanity now.... but its not all about me; its about my brother... Ill cope and deal with it...

by **Snaga** on Fri Mar 26, 2021 4:42 am

I'm very sorry for your loss, Omnicell.

We can only do our best, as we're able. As you did.

And also, remember that it may be that nothing might have been able to save him. Sometimes a person can't be helped.

The Death of a fall'n solider

Re: The Death of a fall'n solider

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