July 2025
June 2025
Stuck in dissociation; Thats what Im working on getting away from… Ill be working on it; Its the PTSD that hits me over over; sexual abusers…
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However; I see there is hope with time…
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I can see myself breaking through; However; there are some hard spots; and they are humiliation where I had to bow down. The adults that were suppose to protect me and take care of me as a boy where trying to destroy me as the enemy. I had no place to Go; Nothing…
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So; Ive got a nervous system full of this stuff; these people/monsters taking advantage of me; stopping me in my tracks; pure fear; terror.. Please God; please help me. So; I have all of that to work through. Ill start on it; Work with God on it so I can get my freedom back.
The Humiliation is the worst; being forced to submit because if I don’t Ill have no place to live and because Im a child at the time; and don’t have any other answers for anything… Cant move out of fear and sadness and confusion…
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So; The idea is to get my independent life back under God… Thats what Im working toward…
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The key is I need help. I need help during those young years where I was thrown away and there is no one. No one on my side; Nothing. So; Please God; please help me; Im going to re create those time periods; Please give me the tools to get through this so I can function again; amen… and be back out on my own…
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FIRST LOVE;
The goal is to move into Gods space and start over; over away from people like First Love that were actually my enemy and not my friend. I made a mistake. Now; I start over… However; I need my space; My free space to feel free… to feel safe to seek and be under Gods care… and work with God first.
Im used to putting the cart before the horse. The goal is to put the horse in front of the cart first. That means go to God first; sit with God for instructions and directions; Within the vortex of God; allow my imagination’l interests to come forth so God can see my desires. Let those ideas flow out to God within Gods realm; and let God take them and do something with them; Bringing the right people and places and things; a new world that is safe… IF Im under God!
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If Im under God…
If Im under God…
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So; I must be under God first; In Gods vortex. Thus; that is what Im working on now!
All things start under God in Gods vortex. That is the place Im seeking to become.
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In order to do this; PTSD problems and many other histories within me must go. They must be worked out and I free of them….
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The goal is to be under Gods vortex. And to build from within that space… using my imagination. In order to do this; I must work my way through and in under God…
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I have allot of work to do if Im going to stop putting the Cart before Horse.
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