July 2025
June 2025
All the work concerning the girl up the street is starting to pay off. Its as if I " didnt let it go". I kept at it; kind of like going after a fish that dodges the pole with the bait on it; I kept at it until the fish started to take notice...
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Now; Im seeing the bigger picture of what this was all about; and God is and was behind it from the start.
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First; let me say that the poor people like myself who our " Out In The world". Us! Poor us! that must process are trauma. We talk to everyone we meet. We know if we can put in the hours we will get somewhere. And its true. but the poor average schmuck that becomes our friend and has had no more trauma than a suit case on a rainy day; that poor fella... He has to listen to an hour of my ranting and hes never even listened to a radio more then 10 minutes at a time... Hes ready to jump the noose and call it quits... Hes had enough... And poor us who continue to feel betrayed and that no one really likes us or wants us or wants to see us get better or put in the time to get us better.
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Now; Im starting to understand. With 10 thousand hours; How about 50 thousand hours; I can finally do something I did not know existed. I can move from "VICTEM" to "CREATOR". Meaning! I can get my life rolling again as non victim; be back in the bus drivers game chair calling my own shots once again...
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So; How does this work? Im understanding that I picked or God picked it for me; Picked a subject of much horror and sorrow and anger and rage and hate and pain and brokeness. And thats how to get started.
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So; When I was able concerning the dissociative disorder Im stuck with; God opened up the doors within my hidden mind; or altered mind; meaning an Alter hou-z-d those memories. And I was able to go back in and retrace them.
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The point is; a subject was picked and I went to work on it. Now; thousands of hours later; Im starting to see the Big bigger picture.
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The idea is; work through the trauma and bullying of the situation and end up on top again; or should I say from an ancient drunken perspective; ON TAP!
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Heres the point; Im starting to climb.
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Im now in the full climbing mode of coming out of that old well with its creepy black cryp'd walls. Im ascending. Im climbing out of the well with confidence thank You; all earned by ( PAUSE); Myself!
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I did the work; the energy is now ascending...
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I can see myself; Im starting to get back on my feet again concerning the girl up the street.
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What is left.
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Here Goes!
What about the part of me that was a non victim when I met her!
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Let me say that this whole writing experience is about getting back to becoming a non victim so I can go out in a healthy state and meet another (Women) up the street; but this time do it right. It also helps me let go of the old one that I will probably never see again; and that is a whole other set of problems; Never getting to see someone I loved so much. Its up to God; but the point is; the damage and grieving... People kill themselves for a lot less. So; its all hard stuff.
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Back to the game...
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So; When young I was not a victim when I met her. I was a victim kind of from the past; a complete victim; but when I met her I was out going and confident..
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Here is something that God has been working with; with me.
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Why did I go up to the girls house in the first place. I had lots of energy to go up to her house; I was driven. I had prayed a few years before for someone to love. I had asked God and told God; I was just a boy at the time... I was trapped. I wont go into it...
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I went up to that girls house...
I mentioned all the technical reasons. However, that was from an enquiring point of view and a victim point of view and one where I was searching for answers.
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What was the reason I made it up to her house? Why did I go? Answer?: I wanted to!
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Why was I around this girl. I wasnt a victim at first. I liked it! So; why was I around this imperfect girl; I liked it. It had nothing to do with her... it had to do with how I felt about being around her. I liked it and I wanted to do it again. And thats all their was... nothing else required.
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The trauma that occurred or was triggered and brought on by my mother and step father and the past; all of that and my mother turning on me up close and personal in the middle of all this; I was completely up rooted. It was made clear I was being betrayed again; almost an assault... to throw me down or off or break me... And I had nowhere to go; no home. I was in a new city; it was done on purpose to break me again; Same thing psychopaths always do to their victims; get them off centered and put them in new surroundings where they have no place to run or hide.. They are completely at the mercy of the psychopath... And I was going through all of this and it turned me into a victim. Thus; I stopped going up to the girls house; I was to traumatized; over loaded with yet more trauma over n over until I was saturated in it to a point that I could no long think correctly or function anymore...
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So; I attempted to go back around the girl again but this time I was so withdrawn and weak; I could not function or respond; I needed someones help. I was hoping she might. but She didnt know me...not every well.
I was the one who turned on her first... and walked away; it caused harm to her; betrayed her... I was so twisted inside by this time I was destroyed everything in my life... And I destroyed the relationship I had created with this girl.
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The goal of this writing is to restore that time period by understanding what happened and creating the ability; if I had the chance to do it again; I would prove and write how I would do it right. In this process I would heal and thus be able to go out into the real world and do this again; but do it right with a new person. And This processing is helping me to get me back on my feet again.
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As I turn to God more n more; on an everyday minute hourly basis to keep strait; I realize Im learning how to just pick up the phone and call God and tell God to save me and I need help. Give myself to God... and in doing so; Im heading in Gods direction; and thus; it triggers what I was doing around this girl when young; I was heading in Gods direction to go do what I liked. And not worry about the outcome; at least in the beginning.
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So; I liked this girl and found myself going up to her house because I planned it that way and wanted to.
And I did.... I went up to her house and visited with her; I was not a victim at first... that would transcend later.... And if I had stayed in that condition; I may have married her.
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Looking back her saying I meant nothing to her and the physical violence was going to bring about to me; I realize she is a girl and they are emotional. However, still; its not good... and its to much over my head for me to have been around her even if she was hurt or felt bossy....
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So; the goal Im learning from this is to keep at it until im not a victem in this story anymore; until Im stronger and have faired out the fear associated with being around that person... and getting out the venom; the evil; getting it out... Im just starting...
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In to other things.
Im learning that a gap resides between me and what I want. And right now part of me wants a gaming computer... And its to much money... But are they not all..... Im compulsive and I dont like it. I hate the idea of why Im really buying it. Why am I buying it; will I ever use it... really?
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The problem is; Im a music and art guy and I use Macs and they suck for games.. I have an old Mac book pro; thats what Im writing on right now!
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Im frustrated dealing with this Mac and its lack of games; So; I have just enough money to go into dept for buying a PC... for gaming.
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I like the idea of using a Macbook pro and occasionally looking at games; but ive had enough; forget it. from now on I use 2 computers....
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So; Im praying about it first. Maybe all I want is an xbox 360 or xbox one. Still; it feels like something is missing. Part of me wants to be up to date in life... part of something I think... Gaming is something I wanted in my life for a long time but I havent felt good enough about... And now im trying to.
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Im no computer tech. Im smart enough but trauma; my mind is not present for anything. Im also a bicyclist; have been for 22 years; Im proud that I started riding in 2000; right in the beginning of the golden age of mountain biking; down hill; free ride; enduro riding; that type of riding that we now see in the Olympics and at places like Whistler Mountain in Canada and other places around the world. Free riding; down hill riding; Rd bull rampage and such... trick riding off cliffs and such; that whole movement starting with dangerous dan in Canada and Claus X in France and Steve Pete in the US and England... and others. the good old days...
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I cant even work on my own bikes; to much PTSD triggering... Im triggering on all things; I look at biking and video games as release for PTSD and sexual abuse memories... Im remembering them right now; they are taking me over and Im praying God creates a valve in me to just move beyond those places and times...
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Im moving from one hobby to the next; from plastic model kits to video gaming...
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So; do I buy more model kits; I dont know... maybe... Maybe I do what ever I want... Im not at that level yet...
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So; Im growing and learning how to deal with stuff for the first time. On my own; and praying about it...
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And I have to learn how to stand up for myself... Not anywhere near any of this yet... nothing.. .Not yet; thats whole world of being at that time zone; its coming and Ill learn within those boundaries and walls how to grow again and stand up in that time zone; not yet; Ill keep praying on what to do and how to live again...
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So; Im learning about the girl up the street from my past. And I think at some point when Im fully restored; I can see those memories of her being fully restored to nothing more then a girl who lived up the street and I had an adventure with her and I came down from that street and started my life again... And she was just a girl who lived up the street and nothing more because I own me again...
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