July 2025
June 2025
The beginning of setting out into society…
.
So; in addition to my goals in general;
.
I have been doing service work in my recovery meetings; some of them are more middle class affairs; some fellowships are more like the wild wild west; and being a representative of these meetings; some of the biggest and busiest; Ive set myself up for INSTANT SOCIAL REALITY AND RESPONSIBILITY.
.
It was scary today… It was my first independent business meeting for one of my groups; and I was expected to be the leader. I did not know yet what I was doing; and could feel the all to com’n feelings of fear… Terror; REAL TERROR. In fact; This was a real example of what its like being a Dissociative with DID disorder; AVPD; Agoraphobic; Depressive; and so forth; what its really like to step out into society and deal with it again. It slams into my disabilities? Yes/No. Its very uncomfortable; Im so sensitive… and beat up in these areas;
.
However; what I want to share; This is the reason Im not in relationships… Its so hard to get into relationships; why I melt down before I ever get into any relationships… Everything is triggered. Im totally triggered from the past; everything… where I was thrown away….
Everything comes back… and then Im re living the hatred toward me; and being thrown away… Im reliving the fear and the humiliation. Im reliving all the fear and pain and loathing where I had no place to run and hide; nothing….
.
It was truly fear when I had to start this meeting…… I was doing something real that I had no control over; How I looked or acted when I was put on the spot to run a meeting and I had no idea what was going on… I had to socially wing it… Not my forte
.
.
RELATIONSHIPS…
.
Relationships are the same way; its easy to fantasize or talk about them; but as the time to actually get closer to people; I freeze up and panic… and do not feel strong enough or good enough to be accepted by anyone; especially with my problems. Im afraid I will be hated; spit on and treated like Im beneath them; dismissed… Because; The reality is; Im super weak; terrified in these areas completely. Im already super sensitive Artist type. But to put myself in an open position where I could be judged; in credible.
However; Because Im in recovery and wanting my goals in reality; Im working with my Higher power co creating my life and that means I will be doing everything new.. And Ive just started socially; and its enough to make me want to puke.
.
However; working with God; This is what is required if I am to become a newer style person for the people I want to attract for my goals; the people God is sending me for support for my goals; or those directly involved in my goals or maybe they are the goal; regardless; Im getting a real taste of what its really like to step out into something new; into society; a real place where I claim I want real goals. And this is where it really starts…
.
.
History;
Ive been working with sponsors from groups and other support people for a while now; a few years as I make the transition from past recovery person to new more focused goal oriented recovery person… Today; Im going after my goals and those goals are in the real world.
.
Im going from a dissociative world protected within my imagination; into the real world where my goals manifest and transform into something real.
.
However; under the orders of my higher power; The first changes that have to happen; I must become a Caveman if I am to withstand society along with my mental disabilities at the same time adding my ambition toward my goals… This is allot on my plate.
.
And its began in the real world and a very real way….
.
So; Im getting my feet wet again in the lakes of reality… And Im showing; altho Im petrified Im lasting.
.
And Ill continue.
.
Im now operating with God in the real world… Its a small segment of the world but its real…
.
As I move forward Ill be presented with more real world social situations Ill have to learn how to deal with and defend and walk away from.
As I get used to the real world again; The idea is; Ill run into the potential situations Ive been looking for.
Its all terrorizing to me.. Unbelievable. Ill continue to be in the real world as long as I can… Heading down a pathway toward my goals. My goals are in the real world so at some point God develops me to a point that finally I slip into the opportunity to flip the channel into reality and start participating in reality. And I have.. and its brutally gruesome and scary… Frightening. Because; Thats how a Dissociative sees and feels things… Lots of compromises towards others. Not everyone likes me… Already; I can see the popular click groups within groups want nothing to do with me; They are royalty. And I don’t fit in.
.
However; because Im servicing; I go along with it; Im in a service position… positions… and there is allot of talking and interacting with others at these service meetings and Ill be signed up to service events put on my the groups and or my group; more intense service commitments…
.
Its very ruff gruff coarse experience. Its not easy; its interaction and Im on a disability for interaction. Not being able to handle it…
.
So….
And its just starting.
.
What happens when I actually follow through with wanting relationships; girlfriends at this point; What will that be like… The inner-actional levels… So; non of this is easy… nothing here.
.
But; I have broken through into the real world… into those places where one decides to take chances in the unknown; show up, suit up and join up; and its been done and Ive been on my first legitimate exploration in the jungle of society; in a real way; On my own. In fact; it reminds me of my younger childhood where I went out into the neighborhood and made and met friends; friends from school and would end up at their houses; believing I had friends.
.
Im feeling it.
Im also feeling the fatigue of my disability.
.
.
.
Music creation; The next goal is to create a piano in notation; with notation on paper; take it into a food court at one of the churches during lunch; usually a place feeding the homeless or pour people or people like me. And, sitting down at the piano and playing what I have written; one my written compositions.
Ive already asked the church; and its a go. Now I have to create the piece; thats not a problem nor Is writing it. The problem is learning it. The long hours of memorization over n over n over again. A part of me says; “ Youl never get me to practice that long on a thing; no one is going to catch me in this weak position of accepting I have to work extra hard at things…
.
So; I must overcome this. I don’t have a very good work ethic for this kind of thing; work character for this level of stamina; concerning the learning of a piece of sheet music. However; this is the next goal.
.
My Art continues… And is picking up well. Im remembering what its like to be an Artist; The Artist identity is beginning to show. It seems solid… Not saying Im any good or very intelligent at it. I hardly feel safe enough or smart enough to even shadow a line within a art piece. Im getting better as more drawing experience occurs.
.
.
PoP EDM, experimental rock and so forth; This is also a new placement for me. What to create or more importantly where to perform it… Ill pray about that… The beginning of setting out into society…
.
So; in addition to my goals in general;
.
I have been doing service work in my recovery meetings; some of them are more middle class affairs; some fellowships are more like the wild wild west; and being a representative of these meetings; some of the biggest and busiest; Ive set myself up for INSTANT SOCIAL REALITY AND RESPONSIBILITY.
.
It was scary today… It was my first independent business meeting for one of my groups; and I was expected to be the leader. I did not know yet what I was doing; and could feel the all to com’n feelings of fear… Terror; REAL TERROR. In fact; This was a real example of what its like being a Dissociative with DID disorder; AVPD; Agoraphobic; Depressive; and so forth; what its really like to step out into society and deal with it again. It slams into my disabilities? Yes/No. Its very uncomfortable; Im so sensitive… and beat up in these areas;
.
However; what I want to share; This is the reason Im not in relationships… Its so hard to get into relationships; why I melt down before I ever get into any relationships… Everything is triggered. Im totally triggered from the past; everything… where I was thrown away….
Everything comes back… and then Im re living the hatred toward me; and being thrown away… Im reliving the fear and the humiliation. Im reliving all the fear and pain and loathing where I had no place to run and hide; nothing….
.
It was truly fear when I had to start this meeting…… I was doing something real that I had no control over; How I looked or acted when I was put on the spot to run a meeting and I had no idea what was going on… I had to socially wing it… Not my forte
.
.
RELATIONSHIPS…
.
Relationships are the same way; its easy to fantasize or talk about them; but as the time to actually get closer to people; I freeze up and panic… and do not feel strong enough or good enough to be accepted by anyone; especially with my problems. Im afraid I will be hated; spit on and treated like Im beneath them; dismissed… Because; The reality is; Im super weak; terrified in these areas completely. Im already super sensitive Artist type. But to put myself in an open position where I could be judged; in credible.
However; Because Im in recovery and wanting my goals in reality; Im working with my Higher power co creating my life and that means I will be doing everything new.. And Ive just started socially; and its enough to make me want to puke.
.
However; working with God; This is what is required if I am to become a newer style person for the people I want to attract for my goals; the people God is sending me for support for my goals; or those directly involved in my goals or maybe they are the goal; regardless; Im getting a real taste of what its really like to step out into something new; into society; a real place where I claim I want real goals. And this is where it really starts…
.
.
History;
Ive been working with sponsors from groups and other support people for a while now; a few years as I make the transition from past recovery person to new more focused goal oriented recovery person… Today; Im going after my goals and those goals are in the real world.
.
Im going from a dissociative world protected within my imagination; into the real world where my goals manifest and transform into something real.
.
However; under the orders of my higher power; The first changes that have to happen; I must become a Caveman if I am to withstand society along with my mental disabilities at the same time adding my ambition toward my goals… This is allot on my plate.
.
And its began in the real world and a very real way….
.
So; Im getting my feet wet again in the lakes of reality… And Im showing; altho Im petrified Im lasting.
.
And Ill continue.
.
Im now operating with God in the real world… Its a small segment of the world but its real…
.
As I move forward Ill be presented with more real world social situations Ill have to learn how to deal with and defend and walk away from.
As I get used to the real world again; The idea is; Ill run into the potential situations Ive been looking for.
Its all terrorizing to me.. Unbelievable. Ill continue to be in the real world as long as I can… Heading down a pathway toward my goals.
.
The beginning of setting out into society…
.
So; in addition to my goals in general;
.
I have been doing service work in my recovery meetings; some of them are more middle class affairs; some fellowships are more like the wild wild west; and being a representative of these meetings; some of the biggest and busiest; Ive set myself up for INSTANT SOCIAL REALITY AND RESPONSIBILITY.
.
It was scary today… It was my first independent business meeting for one of my groups; and I was expected to be the leader. I did not know yet what I was doing; and could feel the all to com’n feelings of fear… Terror; REAL TERROR. In fact; This was a real example of what its like being a Dissociative with DID disorder; AVPD; Agoraphobic; Depressive; and so forth; what its really like to step out into society and deal with it again. It slams into my disabilities? Yes/No. Its very uncomfortable; Im so sensitive… and beat up in these areas;
.
However; what I want to share; This is the reason Im not in relationships… Its so hard to get into relationships; why I melt down before I ever get into any relationships… Everything is triggered. Im totally triggered from the past; everything… where I was thrown away….
Everything comes back… and then Im re living the hatred toward me; and being thrown away… Im reliving the fear and the humiliation. Im reliving all the fear and pain and loathing where I had no place to run and hide; nothing….
.
It was truly fear when I had to start this meeting…… I was doing something real that I had no control over; How I looked or acted when I was put on the spot to run a meeting and I had no idea what was going on… I had to socially wing it… Not my forte
.
.
RELATIONSHIPS…
.
Relationships are the same way; its easy to fantasize or talk about them; but as the time to actually get closer to people; I freeze up and panic… and do not feel strong enough or good enough to be accepted by anyone; especially with my problems. Im afraid I will be hated; spit on and treated like Im beneath them; dismissed… Because; The reality is; Im super weak; terrified in these areas completely. Im already super sensitive Artist type. But to put myself in an open position where I could be judged; in credible.
However; Because Im in recovery and wanting my goals in reality; Im working with my Higher power co creating my life and that means I will be doing everything new.. And Ive just started socially; and its enough to make me want to puke.
.
However; working with God; This is what is required if I am to become a newer style person for the people I want to attract for my goals; the people God is sending me for support for my goals; or those directly involved in my goals or maybe they are the goal; regardless; Im getting a real taste of what its really like to step out into something new; into society; a real place where I claim I want real goals. And this is where it really starts…
.
.
History;
Ive been working with sponsors from groups and other support people for a while now; a few years as I make the transition from past recovery person to new more focused goal oriented recovery person… Today; Im going after my goals and those goals are in the real world.
.
Im going from a dissociative world protected within my imagination; into the real world where my goals manifest and transform into something real.
.
However; under the orders of my higher power; The first changes that have to happen; I must become a Caveman if I am to withstand society along with my mental disabilities at the same time adding my ambition toward my goals… This is allot on my plate.
.
And its began in the real world and a very real way….
.
So; Im getting my feet wet again in the lakes of reality… And Im showing; altho Im petrified Im lasting.
.
And Ill continue.
.
Im now operating with God in the real world… Its a small segment of the world but its real…
.
As I move forward Ill be presented with more real world social situations Ill have to learn how to deal with and defend and walk away from.
As I get used to the real world again; The idea is; Ill run into the potential situations Ive been looking for.
Its all terrorizing to me.. Unbelievable. Ill continue to be in the real world as long as I can… Heading down a pathway toward my goals.
.
Lets talk a little deeper about relationships;
Its so confusing when I meet someone and think I have feeling for them; wondering what to do or who they are…
I have to get to a point of manning up; and talking to them and asking them out… Who knows the result; Im an old man. I have literally no idea of the outcome or what Im doing; but God is training me to be a Caveman out in the world; and Cavemen work with God and go after what they want; they are not stopped. And neither will I be; but my God its painful and humbling. Im just not in control; its like being in the seat of an old 1940’sd bi plane; spray plane from a ranch; ya got to pull up on the yoke by hand and use foot levels to level everything and… Its crazy… Ive flown in them as a kid…
.
The young Starts that flue them were a bit crazy; lot of them never made it into adulthood. They hit telephone lines by highways or out large rivers or from night spraying over wheat-land; That kind of edginess.
.
And their it is; Im being trained back into that kind of edginess. Its already started; However; its been several years in the making; the development before I ever got back into the public.
.
.
.
.
RELATIONSHIPS; To really like someone; And not have a clue. I could be wrong; they could be “not safe”; I could be shot down and made a fool of.
.
Abundance thinking; heres the deal; lets say I get shot down by someone; who makes a fool out of me.
.
I have to have learned before this to have practiced moving on from these types of psychological blows; not only that; but actually have been developed in those and come out of it to surface over n over again not letting it bother the greater plans I have. I must remember; Im a Caveman now. And I don’t stop hunting because the first Buffalo got away… I simply cannot. I have to have a mind set of success and abundance succeed. I must imagine there is plenty of what ever it is I want to go after… That its not only one apple I want from a large Apple tree; but Im getting that Apple from a large orchard where there are many orchards… This means; Millions of Apples exist. Not just one.
.
I have to see life from that experience; abundance; that is the first Caveman success lesson; Abundance.
If one women rejects me; No big deal; I will believe or already know of several other women on the Apple tree; I go up and pluck them and see if they want to be in my Apple Basket; and so forth; under extreme conditions; Ill move to another tree and look there; under even more extreme conditions; Ill go to another orchard; but that will still be in my county and their area thousands of counties in my country… Generally in my country; 100,000 people in one county. Wow; after googling it; Im shocked; 57% of women in big cities are single… and its about 50% in general in my country are single at any one time; including those separated; Man o Man… That's crazy…. Of a certain age group.
.
170 million women in US. what do I have 43 million women are single in
US. WoW….
.
So; plenty of women to date; thats not the problem.
.
IT really isnt the problem; The problem is showing up. And I mean it. Most of my problem is about being in reality…
I cant handle all this reality. Working with God; I can talk to them and let them know where Im coming from…
.
If I could offer a women attention; connection; OK. I mean…
.
Its all scary.. all of this; for me…
.
I will work with God on all of this.
.
.
.
GOD;
God wants me not spoiled; Working with God; I have to work down a pathway with God because its the only way I can internally develop. IF I don’t develop in general; I wont have relationships. I just wont. I have to be strong enough to be out here in life… and thats whats happening.
.
It is happening. Its hard; but considering where Ive been; out in outer space; Im doing things in my life right now that were impossible; a few years ago…
.
Im slowly screening up on relationships. Im slowly developing; and thats what I wanted; One goal at a time. Right now; its about relationships. Its hard; but I have to continue until I get strong enough to be up close with people and not shrink.
.
Im showing strong signs of interacting….
.
Its all very hard…
.
I do feel hated at times; but the people hating me are more sociopaths.. I know this…
.
SO; Im having to work at things if I want them. And work with God…
.
I have to work with God; more with God and pray…
.
I have to keep working at things… and Im slowly coming into a specific…. Where; I have to develop. I just have to. And learn; after getting more maturity; moving forward with my life; whats left of it; Im old…
.
The reality is; I am developing…
.
My goal is to get back into having women in my life… But First to develop.
.
I want to develop….
.
And keep working at it…
.
So; allot of work…
.
A lot of social work… its hurts its hard; but Ive been in a bad way…
.
I feel like someone who is a burn victim; and shut down and now Im working on it.
.
.
I have to work for what I want…
.
And I have to learn how to develop what I want and go after it… to be present.
.
Wife Family children
House
Car
Money
.
Tht is my goal.
.
All I know; I keep praying about it; and keep working toward it… at times its mindless movement.
.
.
.
.
The beginning of setting out into society…
.
All I can say is; to have a good attitude about even being out here and developing. Im on my own. Sure; Im mad about this. I had a beginning life; Why was I thrown away and never brought up to amount to anything; its horrible; but today; I want to do something about it.
.
I have to look at my over all condition and where Im dissociating in society; where Im not strong enough or where the work is; my development.
.
I am moving in the right direction; I think I get exhausted.. Ive been developing.
.
I have goals tho.
I want a girlfriend. SO; Ill have to work for it; This mean I come back to reality out of rumination and come back to reality and then strengthen in reality; Thats what I have to do… what do I want and go after it…
Its horrifically hard. I mean; all of this makes me want to puke. But I must work with God and develop… develop my manhood.
Our partner
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