July 2025
June 2025
The beginning;
What does that mean; it means a resurfacing; a continued glimpse and resurfacing of my childhood moments in my original neighborhood and house and backyard as a boy; but they are getting closer and closer and closer to me as I become them and they become me again. This means That;
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If I want a childhood God; A God from my Childhood; God has to create a childhood neighborhood for me. God has to create a childhood house. God has to create a place and a safe place and feeling that when I get up in the morning; the child in me is free to roam and develop under God. This means; life outside in the real world must match the life-and-God Im seeking inside myself.
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If I am to become myself again; the outside world has to rearrange itself to match my insides. IT must become what I am inside for me to go play in it ( I have to feel safe). I have to work with God to believe… God has to show me… I have to show God I have an interest; a real interest in change…
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At this point; more n more; Im becoming that child again. This time a base or foundation of re developed childhood has been building and there is a solid natural base within me now. This base connects my childhood with my out-side self right now as one… Childhood and present person are one. Any easy highway of flow circulates back n forth from childhood to adulthood; but its all the same person now… That walk way from my childhood to the present person is finished.
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Its like a broken arm.. once it heals its stronger then the original; that's what I've been told. Thats what Im kind a becoming in some respect; Mental illness; not so much; it is what it is; but I am getting better.
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So a walk way ( Im not sure what this meant and why I wrote it): and much more has been developed by me and God to go from childhood to present person.
Am I all here for this? (Am I present) NO! I have allot of catch up to do; However; the road has been created from past to present and its working. Its more solid then I am in some respects; This walk way from my childhood to my present self) However; thats the problem right now; its a challenge; To mature into this next person; slowly strengthening….
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So; I would say a family base within myself has been re established and created; Ive literally gotten a new family and mother and father and sisters and brothers and aunts and uncles and cousins; and new relationship with God; and Ive gotten this illusion from the recovery world; the people and process and Relationship established with a higher power.
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And the results?; Ive graduated into the corridors of the next level person.. Its hard to call it that; GRADUATED: But its true; but its not quite true… but it is; but not all of me; but most of me; and the most important aspect of myself has graduated over the line into another person; Im now taking care of myself… Im independent seeking; feeling. What I want comes from the mind of someone 14 years old and on up with the extra help of the young childhood years; but its a kind of wild independence; No parents needed; Ive had all the new guidance and love Ive needed. Ive been able to sit at enough dinner tables talking to new people to feel like a brother to others and to have brothers and sisters who know me; Ive had all those things given to me in opportunity ( recovery world). The best I could do is show up; and thats what I did; because; learning to pray again; thats all I could do; that speak for 5 minutes at a time; and drink coffee; not much else… Clean house and help others…
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I have a mother and father developed person within me. I now have the feeling or the actually development re development of a mother and father; a house full of family; a street a neighborhood and a God. I got it from the community; the community Ive been around has literally grown me up. And Im growing up; The recovery community; However; I have to take whats their and change it into what I need it to be; and I have; within my imagination; That does not mean anyone else knows these real feelings on it.
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I would say; I don’t need Fathers jalopy anymore; I can get and own my own car for my own dates now. What age is this. Id say; its about; 16 if this was 1940…. A teen turning into a man. However; in my case; I establish as a teen and Ive gotten that far; many people have not; regardless they never made it out of the 3rd grade. And then I gain mass experience of a more disciplined matured earned concept; and grow; All created by my higher power and higher powers guidance for me.
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So; Im showing signs of independence… Im not just showing signs of it; Im not dependent on what other people think anymore; Ive graduated beyond that… sorta. Not completely; Im still needy for love; its not all grown up yet; but it kind of is. Im willing to work with God to become stronger now in my place changing.
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I still need a mother and father; but what I need is being supplied by God now.
The base is not coming from a mother and father anymore; the base is coming from within myself ( this created by GOd). Its as if Ive aligned with God and then been filled up properly much like a child growing in the right kind of house hold when young; they grow like a tree and mature into a tree with branches and full purpose. Its as if Id had a mother and father grow me up and give me the proper development to get me to a place of maturity.. Well; A kind of maturity to work with God so I can develop emotionally again; start where I left off.
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The point is; Im not getting mother and father from a mother and father anymore; Im getting it from inside me; the mother and father are developed from inside me; I own them now and they are inside me for my own use; and that is a privilege from love. And I have a good working relationship with God all the time… Im not perfect; I rebel; but I still love God and do not ever ever leave God ever; God is always with me. However; there are some days I go cold!
And if I have to change my life style to a life style of peace to keep God with me all the time; then let it be so; let it be done; let me be taken to this new place of peace and I will live without anything else… and any other places. For this is the place I remember as a small child. And thus; Im back again heading toward that life of protection; curiosity and development.
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So; Im developed and or developing. To be so bold or arrogant to say Im developed; is not right. But Im not sure the right words; Im a project in development? Im steadily moving down the development walkway to my destination under God; NO! That sounds to trite or something… Im still struggling; the struggle is always real and desperation leads me on; but Im happy desperate these days…
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I don’t have fear like before; I do; but I have so much more then fear these days within me with God and nature and help and others and the redevelopments of life; Well; thats all a bit vague; I would say IM LOVED! And their it is…
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I have a base. Im well on my way to a kind of recovery… Im still have mental problems… But my soul and outlook upon life; seems safe and hopeful and sane and peaceful… and solid and present and descent with a kind of solid normal to it; A kind of safety net I know exists now keeping me safe while I continue my journey; Thats what Ive been kind of saying; its allowing me to let down the survival mode and relax a bit; like; I GOT THIS! Well; not quite that; but something. Ive made it to the other side; I jumped ship; and I made it now onto the deck of the other ship. When I jumped; I landed in the water with the rest of them; half of us sank; I grabbed a piece of wood and swam for it; and Ive spent the rest of my recovery journey working with God to find a boat on the ocean… once seeing it appear; I worked with God to grab the life rafts sent out by the boats; all I could do was grab the life vests hooked by rope to the boat; grab them and let them pull me and I did. And finally after months and years; I made it onto one of the small rescue vessels… and finally that vessel come up next to the mother ship; And I crawled from that vessel up the rope ladders of the main boat; and now; Im finally on the deck; safe n sound. Its cold out and raining and the wind is howling and the breaker waves hit the ruff of the boat side of this big sea tanker like structure… I can feel the waves; I can see the mist; but the boat is so solid and big; it does not rock the boat much.
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However; on this deck, is now; as far as Ive gotten. Ive been able to walk around and go inside the snack bar area and get snacks and talk to others; Ive been able to sit down at a wooded table like picnic tables up against the walls; Ive been able to sit in these dry places and drink coffee… And that is generally as far as Ive gotten.
Its much like a responsible 16 year old teenager gets… Ive gone no further yet…
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However; getting this far onto the other boat; Jumping ship to the main boat I mean; making it safety onto that main boat.. that is what counts; but Its not complete; or is it; or is it not; but it is. Its complete but Im not. Maybe the strongest part is; Ive made it solidly onto the boat; That means Im manifesting and the awareness of such things…
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However; Ive got a whole lot of other parts of self to be developed now; people in hiding within myself that I want to come out and develop. Im shocked they are still in me and not lost for ever. They are still attached; I didn’t know.
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Ive found that several personalities from other time periods simply hid down my throat… They literally ran away down into my body and hid. And now; altho Ive seen one of them. I know more exist; and I know I will give them a chance to surface develop and enjoy life.
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And always under the umbrella of God; that I am ever seeking.
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So; it begins..
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MAJOR GOAL:
Get through the period I knew as my first love… ( and this is happening) Have the steps retraced before I met her; by passing her in my new arrangement with God. I back way way off; 100 miles back to a place of constructiveness…
I see my footsteps backing away backwards; 1 step at a time; way back; back n back n back until that memory of that time is a dot; as if Im looking at earth from a billion miles away… That far back to safety;
And thus; God starts me over again; long before I turned 14. However; I start over at 14 completely in my new self; 14 emotionally and spiritually; In reality; Im elderly… Im an old man.
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So; lets say its starts at age 10; God takes me at age 10 and starts to send me down another course; one where I bi pass those experiences I had when I was 10-20. I bi pass them into a whole other regiment of another family service love commitment dedication to learning a more responsible conversation life.
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I see myself way up in the woods; secure in a cabin with nice warm clothing and bedding and new people and places and things; never hearing of or having any reason to remember any such person or people of those time periods between say 10-16 years old in my original life.
This time Im on the strait and narrow… a much different pathway…
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Ill see myself with Gods help and helping me up and dedication; Ill see myself taking steps right through; right past; that period of life from the past; New steps under Gods care; responsible steps; strong slow steps; solid steps right through that time period; building a new trail; solid strait trail off to the side bypassing that time period; Like a brand new highway build from the city. Strong and completely made out of concrete; And Ill be a new solid more humble person staying inline with everyone else and like everyone else during that time period; and not get out of line; Have I learned my lesson; My God I think so; I hope so. Ill practice those steps until a God pathway is build very deep and lengthy and strong; and registering each step where there are no dissociated steps; This step pathway will take no detours. No one is getting off this path this time… it will land strait into Gods arms and kingdom and nothing else. No windows please; Just a tunnel with Gods name on it… each step registered and annualized for position and strength; not getting of the path; no losing my way this time.
Ill work on it.
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I can see where there are a few steps where I would turn towards neediness and find myself heading into the wrong part of the forest; I am weak for that kind of thing and susceptible ; NO-MORE; Ill work with God on this specific trail and bypass it this time; We will see; Ill set about this work project until I feel Im solid; Ill know what that means; under God what that means; and what it really means and takes; I love myself enough to take care of myself and where I go these days I look at my body first and see how Im doing and repair and take care of myself first; and their it is. I never took responsibility for my body/myself; and I realized in the recovery process; neither did anyone else; I got to a point I could not feel anything anymore.
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Ive got lessons to learn; Sometimes in the meetings; I can get to used to being at that place and get away with it; to comfertable; 2 much. What does that mean; I get to cozy; I act like the psychopaths that come in; they cant touch me; they wont notice me and want want to bother me; but what is happening is; They can do what ever they want; Im the one who cant touch them; I have to leave; and in the end a healthy respect for the law should be going through my mind; Getting around or associating with psychopaths when Im law abiding; is a dangerous venture; Ill last about 2 minutes around them before their offenses build up against me and I say something or demand they leave me alone or stop bothering me. At that point they wont; and thus; I have to call the police… Knowing this; its better to have a healthy fear of these people and not associate with them.
Ive noticed; they are always trying to get into some place of authority over others; then take advantage of who ever they are over. Their trying render people powerless… They are lawless monsters… The first thing a Judge or cop would tell me; “ Cant you walk away”; That really is the answer to the problem… I don’t like it but thats sanity and sobriety and reality. Why would I be in the same room with them unless Im trying to fight them… I need to leave; That solves the problems. To start with!
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RELATIONSHIP;
THE GOALS;
The number one goal is to strengthen my walk… That means getting myself together in the here n now; not worrying about social or economic position; Just get my life together here and now strengthening my present walk; slowly showing Im taking more responsibility for myself. Showing more care for myself and self love. Taking care of myself in the here n now! Im heading toward this; I can see it.
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I can see myself taking care of myself. I can see that when I was young; someone else was supplying all the needs ( no love). Today; Im learning that God can help me supply the needs so I can be a solid me!
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Ive learned; stop chasing after people who are at a higher level bracket; Whats the point? They have to look down from where their at to see me; they will never respect me; And they don’t care who I am on the inside…
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The key is to be a solid person and learn to allow God to bring the right people who will respect me at my level. Those are the people of interest…
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Weight loss; Its hard being old when it comes to weight loss; I like to eat.
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Its important to understand that women have to look up to me; see status in me where Im at… That means I get my life together where Im at and God brings me the right kind of people at my frequency that look up to me.. Im assuming it wont be some rich mans daughter… Im not stupid… I know Im old so I kind of describe all this metaphorically.
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I don’t have to be stupid. I work with God to slowly get stronger where Im at. And God can do that for me if Im willing to work with God on it… to attempt to pray to start with; something like that to start with.
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God will take me where Im at and work with me now.
For me; its about practicing in the backyard in my imagination with God; God carrying me holding me up teaching how to walk. I walk back n fourth slowly learning how to walk again and slowly getting stronger and feeling better about myself… my frequency getting stronger… higher; to the level the universe pics for me… That God wants me at.
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Im fine where Im at; I just need to get stronger where Im at with Gods help; And thats where Im at right now; Im in the beginning of this… Slowly beginning… Meditation and lots more work with God.
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RELATIONSHIPS:
As Ive mentioned; In the past; I found myself around people way out of my league; and I just didn’t understand; non of those people were my friends… They were just playing me. I meant nothing to them… They couldn’t wait for me to leave; I just didn’t know.
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Today; I work with God to be in my own lane and my own league; what ever that means. And to work with God; worship God; pray to God and wait for God to bring the right people in the league Im in; bring them down my lane… I have to experience this. Ive never experienced this before in a working order where I ask and received like Im suggesting…
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More sized up info Ive written down;
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Nov 25th 2023 Notes;
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Relationships Activities…
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Activities;
…………. For the first time; a real commitment to inner workings of a piece of music. Im looking at different musical chords for a song; Im not just strumming a few chords and giving up; Im looking at alternatives; alternative chords; lots of them for different sections of the song; Im taking the time to note what the extra chord is. And Im looking up different chords and combinations of chords and seeing what would fit; its a kind of dedication sacrifice and commitment thing; a movement of taking things a bit more seriously; and Im having to prove it.
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its really hard; hard to get into anything; I dissociate so much… its not about intelligence on this one; I get triggered from my childhood and teen years; and shut down completely 10000 times…
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Its really hard to move into something and get in and do the work in something; go into the inner side of something and explore and look around for the purpose of creating and finishing something big or meaningful to me; or important. I used to just go away inside myself and go drink or dissociate or hide or leave planet earth in my brain. I was never able to go anywhere with music or anything else on earth… I could maybe write a few chords and I was done; I could never go any further for most if not all my life; until now.
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NOTE: If I get INTO something; I may find I have no talent or brains and Im no good at it and not smart enough to figure anything out. Im not the brain I thought I was; and I don’t want to find out; I don’t want to find out Im average just like everyone else… God; I don’t want to find out! Im 2 scared…
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Im not suggesting I can move forward any better then in my younger life or past; However; I seem to be more willing and amiable to try… ( I would say Im more teachable) and I like myself more and maybe I want this thing; I want it more… Im not used to wanting something and sticking to it and going after it; Im used to have the concept; “ whats the use” “ why bother” “ I wont get anywhere anyway”. I had no trust; no believe; nothing but sadness.. no purpose; no point!
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So; Im attempting to write a song; stop; and instead of being mindlessly spontaneous; Im stopping to learn how to sacrifice and put in chords that have some connection and meaning to the song… it scares me; I feel so stupid! Simple minded! But that used to stop me. Now; Its not; Ill have to deal with my stupid-ness…
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Relationship;
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Acceptance of my strange Social market value. Where do I stand in the dating world…
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What league am I in. What league do I really come from. Did I ever really come from a league; I don’t think so; I was thrown away young; and never got established in anything; Good or bad; I just never got established as an adult or child or adolescence ( I was being sexually abused). Or as a teen. And I was mentally ill and getting much worse as time went on. Ill start using drugs for a few years at age 12; doesn’t really pick up until Im 14; It will slow way down after overdoses and bad trips by the time Im 16. Ill later get into drinking; alcohol will become a problem in my late 20’s. In my early 30’s; ill end up in the recovery process for everything.
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When I was younger; everyone else was in a league far above me; no one either wanted me or took me seriously or even saw me. I was treated as a ghost or with indifference. Many times I was treated scare- ally much lower in value by others then I am; as if my whole insides were never seen; nothing; almost at a prejudiced level. I was stunned and didn’t know why I was being treated like that; it made me sick; I don’t know; no one saw me; saw my value or cared about me; nothing.
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ON With THE SHOW:
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Social Security office; And state help…
1. educated intelligent
2. talent interests; hobbies
\3. Direction
4. No money; elderly; almost in the casket.
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And there is my market value in the dating world…
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Our partner
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