July 2025
June 2025
It seems some of my manifestations are beginning.
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Im afraid the Hopes of the past are all dashed. However, If some of those hopes and dreams still remain and have never been touched; things are possible with them.
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Im at the verge of starting again. And it seems I am. Its a very tiring kind of lonely lonely alone place.
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One goal was to create a song in notation; practice it; then perform it. Ive now started moving small keyboards and such around my monitor to practice on; digital piano keyboards. I actual have done this and have started attempting to practice what I have written.
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So; Im slowly moving on into the next realm.
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Ive been watching this happen. Im watching these manifestations occur.
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So; things are happening. Happening with Music. ITs been 50 years. ITS BEEN 50 YEARS. its been 55 YEARS; because with my talents; I should have been introduced to music right from the start.
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There was a better for sure chance in this life of never getting here ever. ITs taken massive hard work and labor just to be present to do something; ANYTHING!
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Ive been going through brutal PTSD Triggers; Dissociative disorder triggering. Mental health has taken a smashing hit for a while.
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Im slowly trying to come out of the dream world and deal a bit with the realities of my past. The problem is; all areas of my past will gruesomely never come to be finished; nothing will; a whole life gone; all of it. Im slowly coming to terms with this.
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As for the women I loved way in the past; NOWAY! ITs just info trapped in my mind. THey ruined me? Well!
THey suckered me and fooled me; not nice people. I was taken; huck n Jived! Hustled. I didnt even know it was happening.
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I dont have to let anything lay to rest; but that's what's naturally happening as I face bits n pieces of the past and attempt to create new goals for myself.
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I absolutely do not see myself with anyone else ever; Not after what Ive been through.
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I do see myself attempting to get my life together a bit. I dont know where this will go; but if I take action on some things; it naturally moves in a new direction. Ill have to learn how to do this.
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ITs so heart breaking; its the small child in me moving forward without ever having parents or that home or beginning original life; Now He has to do it alone.
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I have God and myself and it seems I am taking some chances; its strange because This person; this time; ITs about that child waking up and walking; and there's no resemblance of his original life or original people when he was suppose to develop the first time; all erased. I have God Tho.
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SO; with Gods help; These things can be done. And Im able to do basic stuff right now; take the most basic chances. Im learning how to set an intention and follow through with it; basic; what ever that means. It also means the child is alone. No parents or places from the past; its a disgrace; However, I do have a good relationship with a higher power.
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My goal is to keep digging into all this and hopefully be able to deal with the past bit by bit; slowly opening things up and dealing with them to a point I can face more in the present.
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I got started again with Piano and my own write; 50 years later; 50 years. Ill have to accept the reality of just how long it will take to memorize a piece of music. I can hardly read music; let alone memorize anything; so its a long laborious task. I mean; its a lot more then that.
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I spent many years on n off banging on pianos to get the anger out; never did I ever play them for there intended reasons of musical. I was just looking for a place to relieve tension from PTSD. Now; Its like; I cant read music;' I mean. Ive done it like 3 times in my life.
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I seem to be able to write it; but read it? O MY GOD! THis is going to take for ever; I mean; I feel so dumb. Like its the first time Ive ever gotten near an instrument;' and in many cases; it is! IT really is;
Altho I was smashing my fingers down on keys; I was never present. THis may be the first authentic beginning of actually creating something real and musical that I will memorize; I know it is; but it may be my first introduction to the instrument. I wasnt playing one before; I was using one; taking my aggression out on the thing.
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I'm doing all of this after working with source energy God universe.
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Any other goals; Ill work with the universe on.
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ITs very difficult; all of this; kind of coming back on line; because it reminds me of my childhood where I was like this; Im waiting for my Dad to show up and play in the snow outside. But that wont happen; Not with the original players. But it could happen with other in there place; still; this whole thing is so gruesome.
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I and my brothers were just used and thrown away. it just doesn't seem right. We were completely fooled; had no idea in the beginning what was going on...
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THe fact some of these manifestations are coming true! We will see; its up to me; its all hard work at this point.
However; Let me say this; Ive not been ABLE to do anything like this for 50 years; and it would have remained for the rest of my life if not for the brutal hard work of long hours working with my higher power and studying success based information; Long long time.
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Im feeling any blocks; I am feeling the low self esteem when I look at a musical page and wonder how Im going to memorize this thing and not go crazy from it; its not fun; its just what it is. ANd if I want a memorized piece; Ill have to do with work .
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THe girl up the street; Slowly she disappears because she is of the devil. I had no chance with her...
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She was vermin. Worthless! ANd more importantly Godless!
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In many cases with people; Im not good enough; thats been the basic problem; money or lack of schooling grades; I was treated like I was scum. But I was never scum; but they thought I was; but never told me. But I wasnt. I had no idea all of this nightmare was going to happen to me. THis is all a result of my parents; 100%; psychopaths; they did this; and they did this to my brothers as well... THey created this whole nightmare.
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Also; looking back at the kids I Was associating with. I never made it. I was never accepted but I also never knew I had to be accepted. I had no idea what was going on. I was becoming a scape goat.
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Now; working with GOd; Im trying to slowly do something about it.
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Will I ever be in any kind of real relationship; I doubt it. Never!~ I wont let those people ever next to me; never.
THis society is populated with filth; Godless. I deal with so many people that think they area superior to me; over n over n over; so tiring.
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I have GOd. So; thats where I start.
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