July 2025
June 2025
Ive worked through some things and starting to work through more things. Can feel old age all over me; Eyes; different joints. muscles... I can lose weight but I gained weight again. Lots of people cant lose it; I still can.. But still; its a sign.
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Im feeling insecure and scared and completely alone and alienated.
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Ill continue to work with God; But Im not sure what happened. reality came creeping in.
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I did not get the financial boost I thought was going to happen. Ill continue to work with the universe; Im not sure why the universe is not helping me... I dont understand. I know so many others where it is working for them...I mean; they have things.. Im living on state help. Its not just about the state help but it is.
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delusional thinking.
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As for my first love; does not exist. More n more as I work on things and things of my past; The deep drawn out feelings for this person; They are feelings spilling out into know where... I took a predator and tried to apply feelings to it. I ignored all the red flags of sanity; Sanity because nothing exists; not did exist.
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Its important for me to say; nothing exists or did exist. Nothing exists or did exist... I got swell of desire when 12 years old for help. I needed an escape and someone to love me; I called to God for this... I was being abused and I was thrown away.
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I found myself in a new town and lied to and not loved; no one cared about what happened to me. When a car showed up in the drive way with a brother and his friend; I went with him. Where it went; to someones house and a girl was at that house. And it was pure evil because that exactly what it was; the brother was evil and my brother was evil; complete 2 faced liars.. These people did not take me to a nice person; they took me to a predator and a liar; a corrupt entity. I was a decent person; these people were predators; she was a predator...
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Ill continue to bring up those 2 relationships until they are worked out to a point of understanding that their were no relationships; both individuals were predators and not my friends... Its laughable; they were not capable of having friends; either one. And Im still addressing them with the concept of being close enough to them to know. I was not; I was completely dissociative.
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Never let anyone tell you true dissociative disorder is anything other then another angle or branch of schizophrenia; that is all it is. I was schizophrenic.
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both people is reference to my first love and best friend. In reality; these both are predators.
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Lets talk again about the first girl I loved. I seem to have a system that shoots out emotion with a specific intent but goes nowhere. I had all these feelings built up to find someone that I could love. but I was not being protected nor was I around any safe people; nothing in any direction and that is the delusional part; the part where I could not handle reality nor was I in reality; my mind and soul were broken and it was as if I was floating around in another reality claiming I was in still a different reality. I do this today; same thing. I was not in safe environments...
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When I met people when young in that other city; non of those people were nice people; they were evil and corrupt. I was a nice innocent person around corrupt dangerous people and thus; that would be all I would meet; well; Thats who I met.
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My mind was broken; I had been pulled out of my original housing and life when young; ripped out of it but my mind could not take all that and stayed in the past; it could not make the change.. it was 2 fast and abrupt and destroyed.
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So; let the reader understand; Im trying to come out of the dilutions of the past. And the more work I do; proof exceeds they are delusions. I had no girlfriend of the past. Thats the first delusion. I went with corrupt people to someones house; they were liars and thieves and sociopaths. Am I to think they had good people waiting for me on the other side; I doubt it. Who ever they were bringing me to was corrupt and evil.
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I was naive and doomed and did not know it.
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I met someone; it didnt really matter who it was.. If she was really good looking; I would fall for her.
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So; lets look at another aspect of this; her looks were the most important aspect of all this. She was a beauty; And it looked like a sure proof opportunity; it was in the bag; I got this! Thats what I was thinking. and I thought; shes just a girl. No big deal. And I remember her acting that way. Whey did she act the way I was thinking? Because she mirroring me in a negative way. She had caught on to my nativity and played me from the beginning. she was corrupt and looking for someone that was corrupt. But in my case; she could see I was blind an naive and easy to take right to the slaughter; and thats exactly what she did. She was one of them... She was not like me... I had no Idea this was being done to me.
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In my mind; My mind was somewhere else seeing things as if I was still living in my house in my neighborhood as a child... My mind had not left and didnt know it had left because I was 2 broken.
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So; I was easy pickings to being manipulated and destroyed. This monster I was brought to was a predator. And even saying it in this fashion would suggest a lie; a lie I was safe or aware or in reality. I was not. I was mentally ill and taken advantage of right from the beginning by bad people. And I was taken to bad people and taken advantage of. I was extremely mentally ill... And no one cared. I was delusional. And did not really know where I was... or who I was with. I tried to make this person out to be someone that might be able to be my friend... Someone safe. I was a broken person in trouble and desperate to reach out to anyone. I was brought to no such person; anymore then the victims of a serial killer are safe when they hop into the serial killers car... suddenly the doors are locked beyond them.
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The reason for all this writing is to slowly learn through exposure therapy how to wake up to the truth. And The truth continues to open everything up to a reality the opposite of what I imagined it.
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I loved this person; What person? Their was no one to love; no person existed; only a sociopathic predator that I projected upon. They were a complete stranger... they mainly saw someone they could dissect and rip to pieces. Predators and criminals; Thats all it was; I was being set up.
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And Ill continue to write on this subject to the day I die because it continues to reveal my mental sickness and the schizophrenic delusions of a broken mind not connected to reality... nor the ability to handle or be in reality.
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I did not have a friend up the street; up the street lied a snake and no more. And I want to write about my blindness to that snake; that is whats most important. And this girl will not be the first snake I encounter.
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The best friend I had as a child is the first snake. and that will begin to end in the third or 4th grade. It will still be alive in the 5th grade but I would have been used enough by then. They; my best friend and his family used me completely and I never knew; they knew the whole time. And Ill be thrown away around the 5th grade. just used... should have never gone up their in the first place;; meaning met the person and gone to their home but I had no one in my home; nothing. and later will show that out in the real world Ill start getting bullied because the bullies can tell I have no protection... And they will start creating falls reasons to make themselves look like victims because of me and thus find reasons to stalk me or want to fight me... They were looking for trouble or someone to take it out on and they found me. But I did not understand when I was young.
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So; I had no friends; I was being used when young and manipulated and at some point thrown away...
in my mind I created this one person into my best friend; he was no ones friend; another sociopath that would use me and manipulate me; thats all it was. In fact Im being to lite describing him or the situation.
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Again; more writing to open up the truth about my inability to deal with reality even from a young age; very broken and schizophrenic like.
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So; the reality is; Im a delusional broken person that is walking around society blind and mentally ill and Im being taken advantage of by monsters and predators.. and thats basically all that happened. I was being destroyed or brought to the slaughters because I was wondering around alone with no protection and predators found me; manipulated me and used me... Unfortunately I made them into fantasy people that did not exist. I did this because In my mind I as still at home as a small child watching TV within myself where it was safe and thus I projected that onto the outside world. I still do this.
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Im still doing this. Im doing it right now in the groups I attend...
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So; no friends or girlfriends exist. Nothing; its all my mental illness. I should have been home in safe places but no such place existed...
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I will continue to write on this subject for ever.
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