August 2025
July 2025
Strange thing happened tonight…
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I was in a meeting and a women across from me in the meeting; someone Ive seen before; she was sitting up against the wall across from me. It was not a nice scene; it was competitive and stressful. Many times Ive seen women weaponize this situation. If I look up simply to look up from my angle; Ive got that women right direction in front of me on the opposite wall; Suddenly she starts to squirm as if shes being visually taken advantage of. Ive seen it 1000000000 times. Nothing new… And it was happening again this time. Its like shes not safe; shes got a needy hovering guy checking her out or something; someone who doesn’t have a chance with her. When in reality; non of us guys have any other place to look.. We lift our heads and their she is before we can dart one way or the other…
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I finally gave up and just looked at that floor or to the sides or took my writing note book in and wrote instead of looking around…
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I LEARNED SOMETHING TONIGHT….
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Its getting very close; I don’t have to take my romantic problems to anyone accept God; I don’t have to expect anything from these strangers at a meeting; I can for go all of them and just take myself and my goals to God and bi pass all of this.
And that is what Ive been working for concerning this goal of relationship. I used the groups therapeutically; working through my stuff; until I didn’t need them for it anymore; it all gets switched to God. I began to get enough skills learned on my own to stand on my own 2 feet and go after what I want; I turn to God and my success based thinking information Ive been studying for several years. I still go to the meetings; but don’t need the meetings anymore to help support this process Im learning about the beginning processes of getting back into relationship at this point in my life. And has this happened? No! Not yet; But tonight surprised me; I actually felt it. Heck with these people in these meetings. Im strong enough now to simply take it all to God and work with God directly; And that was the message I was getting from God.. Im getting close… I didn’t expect that tonight. I never saw it coming…
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Im still working through issues concerning relationships.
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In my life when young; I was completely devoid of reality or being part of it; but I was attracting massive women from everywhere. But because it was all physical. I never really learned how to go after the right girl for a relationship.
I was inundated with massive amount of beautiful women… The best looking women in town… but non of it did me any good. I had nothing in common with these people; I was lonely the whole time. Finally I just gave up. I didn’t care anymore; I gave up on the whole idea of having any relationship with anyone… I just walked away and never returned. Anytime I saw a beautiful women I just about puked. I didn’t want them within 100 miles me. I simply didn’t want anything more to do with the dating or romance process in my country… Nothing made any sense…
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The first girl I attempted to like; I was destroyed.. it was like I had my arms bit off. Nothing made any sense…
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I got know where because I did not want to date any of these people; They horrified me… it was unbelievable.
I just gave up and never came back.
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TO THE PRESENT:
After being in the recovery process; God said to me. “ Omnicell”; If you would stop dating those kind of women all of these problems with them will stop! This hit me hard. I never saw this from that perspective.
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But the most important perspective God was trying to give me; If I didn’t attract those kind of women; What then would I do now? I would be just like everyone else who had to learn how to go out and find a girlfriend; Some girl that was my best friend; Thats an inside job; thats not about her looks; thats about who she is on the inside; Finding someone that actually liked me valued me. Cared if they ever saw me again; someone dedicated to me.. someone who wanted to see me develop; succeed; someone on my side. How could this be; how could this happen.
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God made it clear; first id have to find them or God bring them to me; But I could not settle for less; it wont work…
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So; for the last several years Ive been working on it; working on it with sponsors and others.
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Now; An interesting thing happened tonight. Instead of having expectations about certain women I saw or have seen in several different meetings; instead of giving myself and worth away to these people; suddenly a voice came to me saying; “ You don’t have to”. Meaning; Im getting enough experience; new experience around women; that finally Im transferring from the meetings to God concerning my development with women.
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It was just a strange feeling and insight; it meant I have enough experience to kind of stand on my own 2 feet a bit and go out on my own a bit; or me and God… and some private phone numbers set forth as support. But I don’t have to blame anyone at the meetings for not giving me proper attention or noticing me or loving me or taking care of me. Im speaking from the perspective of some of the women in the group. Im slowly getting weaned of off them.
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Its not complete or anything. Its kind of like a child who stays with his mother until hes 8-9 years old; and suddenly; after much love and support; starts to head out on my own and make his own friends.
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In a real way; thats whats happening now in the dating world for me. Im getting enough skills to stand on my own; like going from an 8 year old to a 16 year old. Thats what it exactly feels like. Is it complete; NO! However; thats whats occurring kind of. Thats whats manifesting; I saw it and felt it; I simply did not need to take my personal stuff concerning those thoughts I need answered or my needs; by taking it to the people at the meeting. Instead I graduate and take it to God and let God answer it; Not the people at the meetings who I want to meet my needs.
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I have fantasies about the women at meetings taking care of me because I want the love and affection. I want a girlfriend. And when I see many of the women not interested; it kind of makes me dismayed. I feel broken heart’d. I know these people don’t know me or owe me anything; still it hurts; I keep it all to myself.
However; tonight something else happened; God stepped in on my thoughts and said; “ bi pass these people Omnicell; You don’t need them anymore for this”; go strait to me now”. And this is good news. Its great news; its actually something Ive been working toward and I didn’t even know it or remember it.
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It means I let those people in the meetings off the hook. They are strangers and go back to being strangers. My Co dependency Goes to God for an answer. My needs; my neediness. My wants; I take them strait to God and work with God; mainly because Im graduating from these people in the rooms; the meetings. Instead of wanting them to mother me or take care of me; I go to God instead. I simply bi pass them completely without needing them.
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Its like maturing or graduating…. It means ive done enough work through them with God; I don’t need to be in nursery school or first grade or second grade on this beginning stuff. It means Im graduating to something else now because If secretly working with them enough.
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I needed them as a family or support. As as social situation. Now I don’t need them for this aspect of things. Only because God switched me over. He did it suddenly.
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Does that mean Im ready for this; No! However; this change has already happened; its happening right now. Or its already happened… Ive already moved on. I don’t have to need those people for any answer; Ill go to God and God will bring the affection from the right sources… Ill be depending on God now for those things not meetings…
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That does not mean I don’t need meetings or that im not thinking about the women in the groups; but maybe it does… Its like finally graduating out of that place into the real world to get my needs met; something like that; all under God of-course.
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Does this make sense.
Im getting stronger. Thats what it means.
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If I continue working on all of this stuff; working on believing through imagining my wife is with me. Ill start to believe my wife and kids and family are with me in my house as I sit on the sofa; looking out the front window at my car. My wife jumping up n own on my laughing and my kids bobbing around hugging me and running around the front room playing. Calling out to me to play with them. I can see all of this. And Ill continue to imagine this and write bout it until I do believe it happening right now as Im writing. Here now; their energy.
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At some point. Ill get strong enough to do all of this stuff without the direct support of the meetings; only because I would have worked through like 5000 meetings. Opening up about things in front of others and working through stuff with them. At some point; with enough experience back out in the real world of interaction relationships and dating; Ill be more on my own 2 feet. I wont need to fit in within the meetings on this subject.
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This has happened with Drumming
With art
with music creation
with playing guitar
with mountain biking.
With weight loss
with singing;
And many other interests I was not in touch with but wanted to be part of.
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And from the previous interests mentioned;
Now; the subject is dating, girlfriends and a wife. Hopefully in that order. For all of this to happen; ill have to become a husband material and that is exactly the road that is befallen me.
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So Im in a creaming situation with myself; as I grow from a plant into a tree. I cant say it any better then this.
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Im going from a plant with dreams; into a tree; why? Because the goal I have require it….
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So.. Just checking in…
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These frequencies Im attempting to match; Some of those areas frequencies hit the time period of growth being stopped because of sexual abuse… And that was one of the most horrible things any child can ever go through especially when they have to live at the same residence and theirs no escape.
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And Ill be getting to that level of frequency. And Ill have to work through those frequencies and that will be a very trying time and Im heading toward that….
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So; all of what is happening is to get me back out into my life again and gain experience with people and learn to go after what I want…
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Right now; I need the support of the rooms I'm in recovery with. I need them; they are like a family and Im like a child being brought up; but at some point; certain aspects of this journey will no longer need their support because they were their for me and I will have learned. And I think the beginning of that is happening now…
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I mean. I have been working on all of this for a long time. And I have gone from zero; to a point of socially attracting people talking to them; asking them out; texting calling talking; making friends… Ive gotten that far…
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And a bit further…
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So; I am getting much experience; I shouldn't surprise me that part of me is leaning toward graduating from the support Im getting. Im like a teenager who is ready to make his own friends and learn how to live life. Thats kind of whats happening. The beginning of it.
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But I still have a tremendous amount of work to do and learning and I still need to depend on the recovery process for a long long time on this subject of re entering society socially; regardless of what that social interest is; whether it playing rock music in a band or performing live; or the processes to get a girlfriend or how to make extra money; And so on; it can be many things; maybe its making real friends with people I have something in common with; maybe its about getting a car.
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So; ill continue to head forth down these directions.
Our partner
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