July 2025
June 2025
Im getting close to the hard part of my journey. In fact; just writing about it sends chills up my spine. Im being sent back into my childhood where the real me lives; where the " me": that is innocent and natural lives.
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Going back into my childhood to the real me; the me that still lives on C street as a child; that personality... Going back into their is like a soldier being forced back into the jungles of war within his mind where all His/Her PTSD lay...
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The point is; it's dangerous stuff And Im on the outside of that personality. However, I must get into that part of self before any real chance can occur..
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Its like Star Trek; the show... They just find the old Enterprise and they must revisit it if they are going to get any information from its computers concerning its past. They must find it and enter it..
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So; I have allot of anger and rage work to work through; and abuse work concerning women abusing me or ridiculing me or de humanizing me or be lilting me and so on...
And the same must be done for me so I can love myself again; that part of self that is separated and logged of from present reality.
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Im getting slowly stronger; but not quite enough; not yet; but it's creeping up on itself. Im very frustrated right now over all this; Im on the outside helpless of my own life.
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What if I wanted to be a Math teacher; could I? NO! not yet. NO>; Anything else I could be; No! not yet.
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Im stuck; Im stuck on the outside from getting started...
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I don't know if Im getting close; I don't know; and I Don't know the right direction. I don't know...
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I know the direction; I don't know how to deal with the surmountable objects in the way... it's too hard; too much pain; but Ive dealt with a few now and know it's possible.
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I start with the first step and get support for it; I'll pray about that. and keep praying for the first and next steps.
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My mind is full of fear terror and anxiety and hate and sadness and loneliness and horror... It's all comes up.
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So; Im getting somewhere.
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I like pleasure more than I like work.
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Im getting somewhere.
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A wall of victimhood and sorrow is between me right now and the past. If I want it bad enough; I wont allow being a victim anymore; Ill get over it and go back into the past and retrieve myself.
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First few steps; Start writing about relationships; problems with meeting women and asking them out.
Next; Gaming PC...
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Gaming PC.
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Ive been in a developmental experience for several years now. re developing myself. In the last few years; I got my ability to create art; got it back with much work. Lots of anger and blocks associated with it.
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I got that train set and fooled around with it for about 18 months; finally gave it away... I Got involved in plastic model kits; I own about 180 model boxed kits untouched; I probably hold the worlds record for those things; all sitting in my little apartment unbuild; what can I say; I wanted to spoil the 8 year old in me; and I did and I have.... do I want more? of course.
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next; guitar... Like the ART... Doing art again; creating art; this was another important area to regain in my life. And with much work and decreasing the gap; I did it... And now I can play guitar when ever I like.
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Then; a giant leap forward; automobiles. Automobiles exist somewhere in the age of about 15-17. So; God created pathways where I was working on pre automobile stuff; working with others on type of cars and engines and forums and auto parts stores and lots n lots of questions... And for about 4 -6 months; thats what Ive been talking about and reading about... However, that did take me over the age gap of 11-12- in to 13 and over... So; I passed beyond 13; this is important for man.. God did this by giving me such an interest in something beyond 13; Automobiles.
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I resisted several old vacation spots I used to go to with the original family system... and thats what I needed a car for. Others drove me. Gods way of slowly getting my memories back of my old life.
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So; after all this; what happened; My next move would be; GAMING PC... This makes sense.
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I looked up some posts and information; quick look for natural ages of kids wanting to build a gaming machine... PC... computer.
Not surprising; ages 12-13. Had a few young; a few older... Somewhere around all that.
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So; that is perfect. Its as if God put my thoughts on a car; taking me to the age of 17 and beyond. And it did... Took me well into the beginnings of adult land... And I had to look up forums for cars and such and more boring things... and prices and how to buy and where and..... So on.
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Suddenly the next move that comes up for my development is; Gaming computer.... And that its well into those ages of about 12 and beyond... into teen age years.
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So; Im right on schedule. Ill have my gaming pc in a few weeks...
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In the past it was my brother that had the video games and cars; Not me; I had no interest in anything; my life was off the rails and no way to come back and no one cared; I was in shock and destroyed and just wanted to die; that was all I ever wanted... was to leave this crummy planet and never come back...
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So; Things are strangely moving in the right directions... Ill keep at it just as I did guitar and see where all of this takes me...
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Im also seeing social development; and Ill pray about that...
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Work development; Ill pray about what that means....
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Relational development; that is the next level. Im seeing sexual abuse; age 12 and 13... and 11. And 10... So; Ill work with God on that; how to break through from ages of 9 on. And see if I cant created a new me at those ages who move forward with a new scenario; Ill just keep working on it; writing about it... and using my creative on it.
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When young; " Your not allowed to go up to your friends house until all your homework is done and all your mathematics"... Then you can go visit your friends house for an hour before supper"
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THis above statement never happened. No one watching over me or school or anything. I did not have to do my mathematics; I did not have to do anything... And I found myself going to my friends house all the time for emotional support; family support and love or attention from his family so I could feel like a human being; What was missing; no schooling development..
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By the time I was 10 years old; I was still a 5 year old. I knew it. Meaning; I knew this; I knew something was wrong; but I was 2 young or small to have to be responsible for anything like this in my life. But I still had to spend my time emotionally surviving...
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It was a real tricky situation because; being so young and neglected; if felt like nothing was wrong. Thats why one needs parents; They have to have rules to keep a child on the strait and narrow so they can have a future...
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I wanted a future; but I thought I would have parents. In the end; TV shows and other kids houses substituted for this; but the problem was; I was not getting even 10th of what I really needed as a child and no school development; nothing.
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Now; as I work with God; God is developing me back into these areas.
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Lets talk about women; lets talk about relationships and resentments.
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I resent having to be something Im not... Its like; I cant compete; I dont have anything; not enough. not enough positive interest in life; not enough future; not enough money; I mean; something is wrong here. This is ridiculous...
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Ive never met the right people to date because Im never been to the right places to meet anyone... I never went anywhere.
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All of the people I may have fooled around with or what ever when younger are wrong; non of them count; and I mean non of them. IT was insane... I was a mindless wonderer with mental illness; Those people I ended up with were rejects... They were not very desirable human beings; What a horrible mess. I cant believe I even allowed any of that; but I had no choice; I didnt care about anything.
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So; its hard to have to become someone when Im already someone... Im not sure what to pray for.
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Ive had plenty of women like me in my life; or like what they've seen; but when they get up close to meet me; they are not interested because Im a real man and not some stupid simp that falls prey to manipulation.
Ive been shocked by what ive seen.
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I have to really think about the kind of personality im looking to date and not settle for less...
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I saw a women once; she was a Quaker... She had on the hat and the dress; she was extremely humble and submissive... A women that had been brought up correctly in her house hold. She was perfect.... A nice normal person... But I wasnt... And I have to build my ability back to believing in myself again and trusting again...
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Not having money; being thrown away from everything when young; no trust for anything or anyone. Who wants to be disrespected again over n over n over even tho im a quality person.
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Ive had many men respect me and see my value. Ive had no women; nothing.
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I had women like me because they were attracted to me; they liked the way I looked but that was all. And those were the only women I was attracting... I attracted for no other reason.
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This time I must attract someone based on my personality; someone I like being with....That scares me and may be the hardest thing I have ever done to trust that process again.
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However, I also have to learn that I have God and Im no longer looking for someone to take over my life and be everything... I cant ever do that again... I cant sell myself to someone ever again.
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Im not sure I believe in romantic love; I think its a dangerous thing. I ended up selling myself out and getting trampled to death... All I ended up with were psychopaths love bombing me...
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I was looking for women that represented what I saw on TV as a boy... What I found was quit different. I found allot of very ruthless mean people.
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I never found anyone who valued; no one; Nothing... No value...
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So; this time around; ive got to work with the universe on this and be at the right places to attract the right people; the right kind of decent people.
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My next venture is computer gaming And writing and talking about relationships and getting to the points of the hurt areas; damaged areas and working them through by writing about them...
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I really need to write about relationships until I can uncover what Im bent out of shape about.
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I know its about my mother and my childhood; where Im betrayed. I understand the horror of that... And I need to work through that until I can stop taking that out on strangers...
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Im afraid because Im thinking in terms of my mother all the time; that is what Im attracting; the sad part is; I never knew my mother; she was basically a stranger... I real one; almost like living with a next door neighbor I didnt know... And she did not want it any other way; she could care less...
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I never got to love my mom nor did I ever get to have a mom... And I was thrown away by this person into outer darkness and I was destroyed... and that was that.
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Im now trying to come back on my own... And I have no idea concerning women; I would not have a clue who is safe and who is not safe; who is on my side and who is not on my side... Who I relate and identify with and who I do not identity with; I dont know...
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I have no idea...
I do not know by looking at them; who a nice women is and one that is not... I dont know.
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because of my resentments and anger; ive attracted women like my mother over n over n over... they were all bad people that I attracted.... many others were just weirdo's; I attracted them because I was not in good places or positions in life. So; Ill work with God on all of this concerning women.
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It may be ill have to get to a higher level; a higher frequency; a higher standard to attract what Im looking for.
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Ive been at the lower levels of life. It was not a romantic sexy place like video games and movies describe; The problem is; the women cant be trusted at any level concerning anything... A man is a sitting duck going out with any of them; and I mean; any of them. They will betray what they say within hours.
I remember getting close to women who were interested in me. Before I had a chance to ask them out; they were already with other guys going out that night. I was stammered and shocked. Completely 2 faced... and much worse.... much much worse... totally deceptive to a dangerous level. You did not know what would happen or who you were really getting involved with...
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The key is trust and feeling safe; that someone wont betray me... I never found it at lower levels in society.
And I already know about the kind of ruthlessness within spoiled people of money; They are more cut throat than the criminals; at least the criminals had a code they lived by... The rich kids did not.... you had to be a sociopathic rich kid to date one; no choice. They come from a whole other kind of culture that is different than the middle class.
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I think what im looking for is educated and intellectual introvert; the kind that likes art pens and Star Trek conventions and telescopes and physics... Someone I can talk to about interesting subject matters... Not someone bossy or like that but someone nice down to earth and intellectual. Im certainly not talking about womens studies or some sham like that... not those idiots. Im talking about real people...
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So; Ill talk to God about it; but this is all hard. I dont trust anyone. My mother was well educated and she was a monster...
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I would like to date. Ill have to take it to God and start working on it like Im working on everything else.
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Ive not worked on womens issues about dating yet; Ive complained about it; the system of it. But not worked on a given thought out solution. I havent been at that level yet.
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Im still not at that level yet but its becoming a major factor and must be addressed so I can come back to my life again.
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