July 2025
June 2025
Mental illness….
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What does it mean.
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The people of the past;
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I claim first that I met people from the past and I wanted to have relationships with them; Well; thats not true. My inner self; inner thoughts got hooked on the ideas I created in my head about other people; people I knew nothing about it…
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In one main case; I was invited unethically or manipulatively by people who did not have my wellness in par; meaning I was of no interest to them ( and I blamed them for this); I was being played by unethical people; set up; They were sociopaths… and in many cases; not healthy to associate with; they caused problems for others because they had no conscious; nothing. They were smooth operators and felt like trusting them. I wasn't sure… One was a relative the other a friend of this relative and it was in the garage area of where I was staying at the time….
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So; I mean these people were in the house or up close to it where I was living; and so it was kind of sickening when I think about it.
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But not agreeing to going with them; many problems would have never happened… My goal in dealing with this past;
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First; working on 4th steps on these people; That means; what did they do; how did I feel about it; and what is my role in it!
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My role is whats most important…
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That means I can work these 4th steps from 12 step groups over n over n over until I focus on my side of the street… and finally only interested in my actions and reactions to everything; This helps me to take full responsibility; the ability to respond or response; is all in my hands; Im not blaming others for my reactions; Ill do enough work where its not someone elses problems why I acted in a certain way. I want to learn how I acted out and blame myself for it; Once I take responsibility for this; thus; its my fault; the other people are off the hook… and that is that… I can let them go… Im the one hanging on… They never cared about me; They don’t even know me; Yet I wanted to created a romantic situation with them; but they didn’t want to participate so I created one in my mind; And now Im trying to get out of it…
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I wanted to learn how I acted out; its my side of the street Im interested in; not someone elses. Really; seriously in reality; most of my problems if not all with someone is my inner thinking about them or how I want them to satisfy something; I want them to satisfy my needs; Thus; I create the illusion in my head of them doing that; but in reality; they never did that. In reality they don’t exist… They actually only exist in my head…
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Here is the point; I get to a point that where I live off those created fantasies of what I wanted others to do for me; the imagined thought of someone else doing something for me or getting close to me or helping me… I created those thoughts in expectations that I just assume Im right and they are going to help me in this way…..
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At some point; I finally calculate everything together that I think about that person and I get addicted to the thoughts; and I mean; I really get attracted to them and dependent on them as if its really happened. In reality nothing has happened… I don’t know them; its all in my head and nervous system; along with a picture of them.
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The point is; Its those thoughts I have a relationship with; not the real person that represents the thoughts; that person doesn’t exist; Its like a video game character that is created in my minds character creation section or process. I really don’t need to know the real person because Im just trying to develop anyway; so it doesn’t matter… I don’t have a choice; I don’t know them…
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The point is; after much time; Ive really become dependent on that persons identity within me; even tho the real person; I never spent that much time with; In fact; I never spent any time with; I don’t really want a relationship with that real person; its to easy to get hurt; So I create a fake one in my head.
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so I create something around them within myself and walk away with a head full of ideas about that person. Also; I gave up on them. I never really believed they really liked me or could be friends with me. I never really believed they wanted to be friends with me. And for the most part I find out Im right; they don’t; or didn’t… I meant nothing to them. But their was no established relationship. So; non of this matters… Thats the point; Im trying to work through all of this to get the point that it doesn’t matter anymore because they are gone…
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Heres the deal;
For me to interact with the fantasy segment of anothers created identity within myself; I have to dissociate; I have to go deep inside myself and not ever be present; this is the only way the fantasy can work. I need the fantasy; it keeps me from looking at whats under the fantasy; abuse from years before that….
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Its a cheap way to have a relationship with someone who never wanted me.
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How am I now? Working with God; God has helped me to let go of the fantasies and the past; And thats no easy feat…
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It means I have no other Identity to hide behind; With Gods help I and God have exposed what is going on; really going on inside of me; how Im living off of old fantasies; keeping it alive to smother other pain deeper down inside of me; Like being addicted to a drug; a codependency drug…
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Now; God is teaching me how to be awake at those moments I usually dissociate into other identities I created in the past…
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By staying awake; I can see those thoughts and identity imagined thoughts; I can see them clearly and say; NOWAY! Im not going their; Im awake and this is insane; Im not going toward those fantasy spouting warm water springs called co dependent thoughts..
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God literally tells me in another voice; “ Stay awake Omnicell”; Stay awake!”. And Im learning to serve God and learn how to stay away to do so; thus God can take me into new and real situations so I can have real relationships and real life… Im learning; its horribly hard to stay awake and not dissociate. Its really really creepy not dissociating; its all I know. Now my mind is staying awake…
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I found something else; Those fantasies I had about specific people; Those people were not nice people; and now if I stay awake; I imagine them; but this time I imagine avoiding them if in my imagination; they come near me; I don’t get involved. Im somewhat repulsed by them now as I become more solid and responsible. I fear them; they were actually not nice people. And so now; God and I don’t want to remember them as someone to ever associate with.
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What do I want; I want to associate with new people God is sending me but to do that; I have to stop dissociating into the past; and that is a very complex set of problems that are do-able and have been do- able. I am changing
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But; I have to stay awake and Im right now; learning how to hang on through this; do this. Im learning how to count from 1-10 and stay awake through that counting of numbers. Just stay present; like meditation; just focus on my breath and stay awake; don’t think about anything...just allow…
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What am I allowing; Im allowing to trust God and just stay awake and feel… The goal is to allow myself toward what my higher wants for me in this life…
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Ill explain further…
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Many times I fantasize about those past people; and those thoughts created a fake narrative about that person. But I do have those created desires and thoughts and Im pulled into them like a drug and live off of them. Nothing is real!
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So; God is now teaching me how to stay away when the temptation is to close my eyes and go back into those thoughts and live off them as if they actually had happened in the real world.
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An example of this insanity to show the readers of this blog what Im talking about.
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example; Its like falling for someone who is really cute and confident; women… And learning to have that special fantasy quiet crush on her from a distance; even tho what Im doing will have no result. In fact its all fake and fantasy. But I learn to put my energy toward her when ever I see her; Its like Im the person that flirts with someone who will never go out with me; Im not in their league. So; I get caught up in the fantasy of it all; when in realty I realize… my life is going nowhere in these dissociated fantasy trips with strangers Ive ever actually been in relationships with…
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So; I realize; Ive associated allot of Togetherness love feelings through these fantasies toward these fake partners in my head; Why the real girl Im fantasizing about suddenly comes back to life and is getting better. And
I have to get over the past as if I actually had a real past when most of this kind of stuff is false… I never really had any interest from those girls; I write about or some other girl on the other side of the state; no one… Its all fake… all lies… I was never dealing with my problems…
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so...
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MENTAL ILLNESS; That's what Im talking about….
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It has nothing to do with anyone else; that is what Im finding; all of the insanity and problems with others; its all arising from within me. So; Technically I never met any of those people; that I fantasized about; never… not really; and they were never the right people for fantasizing about.
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So; Im starting to realize any problems I had with them; it was from my severe mental illness… I was more schizophrenic like when around others and I had no mental strength; I would collapse within myself. I had no business being around anyone…
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I HAD NO BUSINESS BEING AROUND ANYONE…. And thats the best thing Ive ever said; and that means; I was suppose to be around recovery people from the start because I was a recovery person; I was 2 mentally weak to be around anyone else….. And by saying this; this makes sense… it makes total sense and complete sense like never before…
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Its like a movie about someone who had amnesia and could not remember who they were and why everyone was always bothering them and treating them wrong. Until the main character realizes he or she has never been mentally home so they were never present to act normal in the first place; When they finally realize they don’t fit in because they are now awake; they simply pack up and leave… and go to where they are suppose to be at…
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The point is; Im starting to see it; I have massive problems; especially with going outside… Im an inside person who likes to hobbies and things inside… and not go outside…
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My mind is 2 weak and ruptured… So; Im trying to understand.
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Im starting to see it… I had no business being around anyone…
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I need to let everyone off the hook; Im talking about sexual abusers or parents; Im talking about anyone outside that family system…
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Im getting it… .
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The whole goal of the 4th step is to clean up my side of the street; until my side of the street is the only one I focus on; the only one left. Suddenly every move I make is my choice and wasn't because of-someone else. I mean; I chose to be around them… I CHOSE IT!~ This is o so very important and the part I leave out all the time; I chose it… and I got what I got for choosing this; and Im going through that lesson now. I cant have my cake and eat it to; and Im having a hard wake up because of it.
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No one ever came to me; I went to them. So Im the one looking at my interactions with others; Im seeing it in a kind of delusional fantasy that is really much schizophrenic like. And I know it; My mind is damaged and dissociative…. And not present…..
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So; Im getting the message from God…
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So; I can see the delusional stance against past people who never really were; they really never knew me. I thoughts about them; and stayed to myself and walked off; walked away…
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NOTe; Why did I think about them… I had no business thinking about them; I had no relationship with them and no chance at one. Move on to other people; work with people; amen.
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SO; Im starting to realize; I had no relationship with anyone; and I had no report; I had nothing with these people; nothing… I meant nothing to them… This is important to suggest; as it means full mental illness. And thats what this is really about; its about listening to the thoughts in my head and not being aware it had anything to do with the outside world…
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I knew no one. I may have show’d up; around people a few times; but thats it; and I was silent; no one knew anything about my feelings; or what they were or what they meant. No one cared…
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My feelings were based on kind of a selfish spoiled kind of narcissism… I mean; I did not work to procure another individual; nothing! No rapport. I mean that… Nothing…
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I ended up with nobody; nothing.. They weren’t even at my wave length; no idea; nothing…. No one was at my wave length; no one at my frequency.
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Im trying to create a picture here. Its a picture of me dealing with someone; But their was no one. At all; Nothing; No one. I did not create any relationships with anyone; Nothing; they weren’t just acting like strangers; they were strangers.
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As I get better? I start to realize; Ive been fighting with myself; theirs never been anyone…
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The few people involved that maybe I actually met; but they didn’t want to meet me. It was a fluke or a joke or a mis understanding. I showed up with other people; I really was never invited. And their was nothing their in the first place; I met strangers not interested in interacting with me and that was the end of it; its even worse then that…
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Their was nothing their…. And now Im starting to wake up to that cold austere fact… The more 4th steps I work; The more Im looking at only my role in it… and soon; my role is the only role because their was never anyone their; I was wrestling with myself.
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Soon; I woke up to find only myself… it was myself and my thoughts; nothing more; their was no one else ever…
And that is the problem with my dissociative condition. I see a picture of someone I met; and that picture stays in my head then I fantasize about that moment; that picture; and thus; create something out of it… I create a relationship from that picture in my head; and I believe it. I believe something is their but Im not aware that Im dealing with the picture in my head; I think Im dealing with potential of the other person… or I have a shot or a chance with them. The reason Is because I talk to that picture as if its a real person. And I start to create memories and thoughts around it; fantasize around it…
I began to fantasize about that person; as if Im in a relationship with them; but they are not needed; what is needed is their picture in my head; and then I start to create them in my head in scenarios or new stories in my imagination without needing them. Ive gone as far as creating situations of intimacy or closeness without it ever happening; so much so that its as if I longed for them; but who I longed for was who I created in my head… that is the vision of the person I saw.
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The actual person I did not know; and they probably had a life; and they didn’t have any interest in me; I was a complete stranger…
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They actually never knew me ever…
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Ever!
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And as I wake up to the work to separate myself from them; I realize Ive been separating myself from myself. As their never was a THEM… Nothing… No one else was their. Its almost like wrestling around in bed with someone that night; Thus; to wake up the next morning and they are gone. And with research; finally to realize; Their had never been anyone else in the bed in the first place that night; except me. No one else. And because of my mental illness; I never see it; or realize it. Im sick or ill and this is part of the symptoms. That night I claim I was wrestling around with someone in my bed; I was wrestling with myself and I was disillusionly believing someone was in the bed with me but I was dissociated and didn’t know better; Only to find in the morning I was holding myself and my own pillow and no one had ever been their; I had been alone the whole time…
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And that is a sober experience…
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So; in the case of KNOWING PEOPLE; it never happened; they were strangers; Many times someone I knew got invited to their party at their house or something once! And I was on the side lines… No one really saw me; paying any attention to me; So I dropped out and just went away. And then I thought about the people I saw at the party..> And started to create reminiscing thoughts about people; or : ruminating thoughts; Lots of them; thousands of them until I created a fantasy relationship with one of those people at the party that I really didn’t know or ever meet. And so years latter when I feel Jipped; like the world never liked me or accepted me; and I was thrown away; I remember back and claim I had relations with people; When I obviously never met them…
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And in my imagination and soul and nervous system; I have them intimately in my memories and experiences; The problem is; there are no experiences with them; this is all internal within me… Its like dealing with other personalities within myself that are them ( those people I saw at the party)inside me; those other persons inside of me created represent the people in the outside world I glanced at parties; Something like that; Strangers I had never seen before… people that had no interest in meeting me or ever seeing me again… Even seeing me once was way out of orbit of interest for these people.
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Now; Im trying to wake up to this fact. The facts… I have no experience knowing these people; these people Im trying to get over; that I work so hard at getting out of my nervous system; I never had any experiences with them but in my nervous system one would think I was locked at the hip with them; that's how fake all of this was; or is; a complete fake relationship created in my mind with these people; And its something very hard to work through; all tho Im doing it. I cant and dotn want to stay in that kind of fantasy; and Im working to get through it.
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I didn’t have any friends and I didn’t know. So…..
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But that is what Im shooting for. Im shooting for not knowing… Im shooting for getting them out of my nervous system….
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Ill continue to work on it until they and I are indifferent of one n other… I mean; Im indifferent to remembering them…
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Im indifferent to them because they are strangers; thats what Im shooting for; getting them out of here completely and getting me back on my feet… Thats what Im working on….
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For that to happen a full inner breach has to take place…
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So; Did I say this correctly. There was no one their. And I have to take responsibility for that; and or; I hung around the wrong people who I thought were going to help me; But they never did; they did nothing for me. They dumped me until I found out they were never with me in heart and mind in the first place; they could care less about me…
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The whole point Im trying to reach here; They were the wrong people to associate with; God never sent me to those people for any reason; I did! And ill pay for it; for I meant nothing to them… Im trying to learn how to take responsibility for my behavior toward them; because its all my behavior that got me into this trouble in the first place; These people wanted nothing to do with me; If I would have stayed away from them; non of this would have happened. Why then didn’t I stay away from them; They weren’t my friends and they didn’t care for me thinking about me or like me; nothing; They saw nothing in me; nothing…
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The point is; What do I care wht they thought; I was never suppose to be around them in the first place and I have to continue to do 4th steps on them until I can face this. Wake up and face the facts… There was no one there and I didn’t need to be around them in the first place. And that is the biggest brainwashing Im trying to get over. Thats what Im working on… Going deeper until I find myself and without all this social disease and corruption. Ive corrupted myself and cant face it or live with it…
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I continue to try to go back into my fantasies and live; I dissociate into them…
I don’t want to be in them; I want to be free of them; anyway I can get it…
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So; I have allot of work to do on 4th steps and on waking up and staying awake.
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Ill say one last thing. Finding myself not someone else.
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Its always about someone else…
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I have to grow up….
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Its always about someone else; thats all I talk about when its about my problems; someone else. Its never about me. My internal self problems… And that is the shift Im looking for desperately;
Our partner
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