July 2025
June 2025
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Im getting into song writing.. I mean; I can tell; Im really getting into it; Im getting into lyric writing. I mean; to a point of performing and more... its a career... I mean; not yet but the mentality its opening up.
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Im seeing social; its like maybe my mind is coming back... Im coming up from the grave or cave; Ive been at it for awhile; what does does it mean.
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Ive been through much bulling and never stood up for myself ever; I refused but I was also frightened and scared and confused most of my life and thrown away. I never came out of it; I had no one all of my life; nothing.
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So; I had no way to move beyond the thoughts in my head.
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Now; things seem to be possible; my mind has been caved completely; I cannot describe it; it's been entombed and in closed. completely gone mentally.
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Going outside is still hard; ITs funny to wake up; Im in this small town area; I didn't even care when mentally ill. Im still mental.
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I haven't woken up yet; Im slowly just starting; I mean it all could have started shortly a while ago or even Christmas Day 2021; but I have no strength; I mean; I can remember things but not apply myself outside in reality; However; I cant deal completely with being present; Suddenly if pushed; my mind goes out goes back to unreality.
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However, Im changing; wanting expression. Ive got a whole bunch of PTSD from every years of my past; the different periods.
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Im still in my dissociative world but wanting more because my mind is not interested in the past like it was because of what I lost from the past; Im starting to get stronger and more able to believe I can do something now. However, its still a pipe dream and Im working on it in slow ways with Gods help.
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The thing is; Im slowly letting go more curious about the present; I understand that the people of the past were never who I thought they were and I never had a connection with them; nothing; but I didnt know this when young. The point is; Im getting more settled down.
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The problem is or the change is; Im getting better; I see myself on the internet changing; but in the real world Im still just at meetings; but my sanity is coming back; but I have no strength outside; so I dont know..
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My place is clean and organized and has been and will remain so.
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Im getting into song writing and to perform; that is the goal; its a bigging of something. I have allot of work to work out.
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I understand about how to have personal success; at least to point of moving forward; its a start. I mean; Ive been studying HOW to do this from the first day of 2014. In 2o15; first real beginning day of taking basic action learning about success. So; Im depending on it; and on God and have been on meetings; Im slowly getting better than meetings; the problem is; Im not strong enough to deal with reality; Ill pray about it.
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As for personalities of the past that broke my heart; I can see I was interacting and introducing myself to the wrong people; and its that simple; they were the opposite of who I had values in common; Why was throwing myself away to anyone that came along; that's what happened. Any goon that came along; man or women; i gave myself away to them for friendship so I wasn't alone.
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So; things are slowly materializing in my brain; in my imagination and thus it starts showing up out in the real world.
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And Im looking forward to actually take the cerebral thoughts I have and watch them developed in my imagination. this means I dont dissociate on them; I actually hold them and believe I can view them and possibly watch this new life develop in front of me.
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I still think of the people from the past but they are hollow and were no friends and God is re creating my life again but this time I dont need them. And I know better now.
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ITs an interesting life.
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Im getting better right now as I write; my views... Im slowly allowing myself to open up.
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Not sure; Ill have to ask God for guidance on having this new life emerge and the new people in it;
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It does hurt when I mention new people because that means some of the old ones Im still hanging on to must go.
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But the fact is; or the facts are; those old people I knew from long ago never cared about me or what happened to me or if they ever saw me again; so Im questioning how they had such a hold on me.
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Some how they managed to hook me right from the start; and I believe what they did was fake; meaning; deliberate and I never even knew it. But I know it now. I was bribed or conned on my weakness; they knew how to manipulate me and use me without me knowing it and they did; so well did they I thought I was in the middle of a growing relationship; when in reality; I was being played every time I came up to there house or spent time with them; led on; that's what I mean. I had no idea; but they did the whole time; They were 2 faced; that means it was a giant big acting job; it was for there thrill; momentary thrill and that's all it was. I only took interest in them because they seem to take honest interest in me; IT WAS A LIE! It was a contrived game because they had contempt for me even thinking in terms of knowing them. They had a victim they could set up and use; play and finally dump. Thats all it was; I felt so horrible for not ever seeing it. I actually played into it completely and went back to it not having a clue nothing was there. I was just being played by some sociopath...
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And Im still hooked but Im getting better; my mind is finally seeing the truth... I was really overtaken brain washing; trauma bonded fantasy bond of; WHAT IF! What could this all mean and where was it leading and I and her would be together and.....
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I was just some dumb sucker being played.
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As I trust and work with GOd; I dont need her or anyone else. I need and have God.
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Im sure how I got so hooked on her; but I did. And I know from working with the universe on this and 12 step group stuff and writing steps on it over n over; It appears she knew exactly what she was doing the whole time. I meant nothing to her from the first moment I laid eyes on her; but she was already setting me up long before I ever met her.
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I just couldnt accept her as that kind of person; I had to see her as a sensitive victim that needed my help and she played into that every time I showed up at her house.
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For some reason I believed she was who she was; I dont know why; looking at it now; it was all an acting job from the very beginning; and it was just fun n games playing someone; thats all it was to her; it was nothing... If she never saw me again it meant nothing... I was nothing to her; I mean; a complete stranger.
I was actually a complete stranger being taken by a thief; thats all it was.
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And that was 2 much for me and I had another nervous mental break down that would push me over edge permanently.
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I have to go back into my brain into the memories I remember of her and change my attitude about them. She was not what I thought she was; I had made her out to be what I wanted her to be from the beginning; and I'm not sure why! I mean; to be that gullible with a stranger.
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It was just some con artist and I got conned; that's all it was; to much on me; on my brain and my brain snapped and collapsed within itself and never came back. And I had no one. And no one on my side to tell; nothing. Just one more mental break down by some sadistic sociopath hunting people or maneuvering people or playing people or swindling strangers...
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I kept telling myself God was involved and directing this; WRONG. Why did I ever think that; I remember believing that; with what proof.
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I think what happened was; God wanted me to pray more and go in another direction but not the direction I took. I just didn't get it; never got it until I was smashed upon the rocks. I was not prepared for it nor seriously ever saw it coming and I still cant deal with it because of the brazen nature; the hard core way of destroying someone who was for the most part unaware and innocent. I just never saw it coming; it was like someone strip'd my skin off. I had no idea; like being emotionally raped; but that was because I was dealing with a female rapist. Why in Gods earth did I not know or see it or accept it or want to see it; Out of all the people in the world to just give myself away to; I picked the worst nightmare on earth. I mean; I guess I thought I was a fairly important person of power and I could get away with it without being hurt because I was special. In the end I began to see what this monster was... and I pulled back I guess; I did and left. I had all ready fallen for her..
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The key now is to get secure with GOd; trusting GOd and slowly let go of the lies of that time period and that monster and any other evil I encountered and was taken by; played by; conned. And I was conned by allot of people when to young to understand what was going on. I was just being used and thrown away; did not know any of it; I was a nice person; I was slaughtered. I didn't know I had given myself away to the slaughter'r.
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I just wouldn't accept that this was all fake. And no one was there; meaning; no one to have a relationship with; I was being used; I just wouldn't accept it. And I know why; a very good acting job by this person and no conscious; nothing.
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IT seems like I was nothing without believing I had a chance with her. I was pulled to pieces. What I know now. No other human being should ever be in that situation with me; to have that kind of power. No one!
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IF someone comes or goes I need to know myself. No my value with GOd regardless. And Im just know strong enough to question this and try to hold my own..... and some how learn how to stand up for myself. ANd keep my composure.
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So; its a new day and a new life. Ill keep praying and working on it...
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