July 2025
June 2025
The writing Im doing here on this site coincides with my general recovery in order to Wake me Up.
.
Im starting to wake up; and with it; Im seeing more of the truth and much more of the pain.
.
Ive done allot of writing I never printed here on this site concerning my situation; I just buried it.
.
.
The girl up the street; my first love;
No Real first love there; from that situation. I made most of it up in my head while actually dealing with a stranger I never dealt with; I was at a distance watching but never interacting; not much; and kept silent about everything. And then one day just left.
.
As I wake up I began to see the truth more n more.
.
.
In a state of desperation as a teenager; Im all ready severally damaged and in massively grave levels of human desperation and pain. Ive all ready lost everything in life; it was pulled out from underneath me by the psychopaths I was forced to live with.
.
At this new address and location in a new town on the coast; A brother had a friend that lived up the street; That friend had a sister; Im not sure whos choice it was or what; but someone suggested I meet her; she was my age. I did meet her.
.
SHe could have been anyones sister; she could have been anyone. I didnt matter who she was or where she lived; accept she lived close to us; I would have been needy regardless.
.
THis was the last attempt I made or could make at creating a friend; It was a feeble attempt; I was psychotic and bizare; I could not function in school at all; I should have been in the nut house; but no one cared what happened to me.
.
This girl was actually just another shallow normal teenager; like all the other millions of normal teenagers; I was not; I was 100 years older in maturity because of my past; No way any teenager would have been able to relate to me; not possible to be friends with me considering what I had gone through.
THis was the last human being I needed to meet; she could not help me; this is ridiculous.
.
I was all ready over the edge and ruptured and the pain was so great and the insecurity. What I needed was a therapist and lots of them and some place safe; I was so ruptured; all of me; could not function.
I think this girl was the last person I reach outward toward; I didnt even do that; I just showed up at her house; The reason; proximity. She was local; lived up the street from me a few blocks; I could walk to her house. Its that simple; thats why she qualitied;
I did something horrific; I made her into a friend or a dear friend or close friend or something that she was not; I began to see it and feel it in my broken mind when nothing like that existed; No one has taken anything away from me; nothing existed.
.
I was able to show up at her house and see her in person; that was the only difference between her and others. She was a complete stranger. I was basically catatonic. I was safe; but I was mental ill to the point of becoming dissociated completely from reality. As Ive mentioned; I was not longer able to participate in the school system. I was insane.
.
This girl up the street represented nothing; I mean; she would have represented a safe house; a place maybe I could hide and get some relief. But she was a stranger and her family were strangers; I just showed up there; she didnt know why.
.
I lied about who I was. I never told her or her family my psychosis. I was 2 young for that. I was ruptured broken person simply looking for a safe house nothing more. And at some point she found out or her family found out I was a fake person; I was written off. They did not know why I was there; at her house.
She was a indifferent stranger finally; I was devastated I guess. I thought I had found a new place to rest my head and hide; something; anything; they didnt know; I was a complete stranger going to there home. It worked for awhile for me to intrude because of my young age; but at some point they began to question what I was doing there.
.
Remember; this was just a normal girl; shallow teenager who I did not talk to about any trauma.
.
This could have been any girl; It didnt have to be this specific girl. Any girl up the street that was in proximity that I was invited to her meet her; I would have started going up to her house for a safe place to go... it didnt matter.
.
I think I was bent out of shape because I needed someone anyone that actually treated me as a human being that was alive; that meant I had to have talked to them and sat with them; We call this a therapist; I didnt even know what that was in a sense...
.
So I was mad that this girl and her family; it all caved in very quickly and I was mad because this would be the last human being I could ever really contact with because it was the last human being that actually said yes; when I wanted to invite myself up to there house and sit with them or be interactive with them. So; when this was taken away; I was completely catatonic; I had lost that last person; someone who at least wanted some kind of interaction with me.
.
Why I fell for her in a sexual or emotional way; Im not sure; maybe the age; I was a teenager; i guess it got scrambled in the middle of it because of my age. It ruined everything by having any of those feelings coming out. I think I was so needy and looking for someone to save me; I turned this girl into that intense savior; who would be the one person who would save me; I was completely psychotic and delusional.
.
It scares me to write about it. I was so obsessive. What I needed was a psychiatric unit.
.
To this day; something happened and I took that situation personally; I took the girl personally; I shouldnt have done that. She was a stranger; I had no business doing that. She was a stranger; there was nothing there. Being at her house was more important then the people in the house.
.
Im angry at myself for being so out of focus or balance; Im looking for the right word.
.
Its like a found a victim. A victim to blame. I tried that; it didnt work. I was cut off real quick and my association with those people was over. And it seemed; one more connection that could have saved me; It was gone.
.
.
I could not handle any of the pain of that; and began to really go under.
.
Through the years of my deep mental illness issues I was psychotic about everything; completely delusional.
.
Lately in the recovery process Ive asked GOd to open me up to the truth so I can get better and what Im finding; Im in allot more intense pain.
.
Seeing the truth about this girl; just brings up more horrific levels of pain and loss and humiliation. Maybe thats why I was dilutional about my situation with her and her family; I mean; I was just a stranger showing up at her residence; thats all.
.
I can see the universe blanking me out about the truth of many things from my young life; all to much intense pain that creates more dissociation.
.
So; now; Im really feeling the pain of the whole past; all the pain and horror.
.
.
I had no where to go; no recovery process; nothing; I was completely cut off from life and help...
.
Now; I have the recovery process to go to....
.
The fixation with the girl; Im not sure; Me creating a fake scenario or fantasy for my ego; so I could feel like I was powerful; by knowing the person or claiming I had a relationship with her; meaning; I was Somebody if I had a relationship with her and not a throw away? Something like that!
.
I was thrown away and never ready for anything like that; I was caught off guard; never saw it coming; the psychopaths planned it that way; they are tortures and murderers; its serious business and I was a victim of that.
.
.So; I was just walking around with a friend in a neighborhood; a nice neighborhood. and I looked around and I asked God; Why did I go through what I went through? When will I ever heal from being taken out of the neighborhood I came from. How do I get that back.
.
One of the answers I got; I got tonight while sharing in a group; I escaped my household when young; I went to others homes and befriended them as if their house holds were now my house holds. ANd it lasted for several years. But after it started; it slowly began to dwindle. A few years in; I became more n more dependent; the reason was; I Was flunking out of school through non participation; I was day dreaming school away[ Grade school; and it was getting worse; the reason; no parents to be seen; nothing. Im shocked looking back; I mean; it was like an empty building where I lived; I ate most of the time at my friends house. I was out of the house most of the time or doing some activity.
What I didnt realize; no parents doing anything with me at all. Nothing. I did not know anything was wrong; but it was all ready wrong by the time Im in first grade; theres no one. Nothing. Im completely alone.
And the trouble is showing up in the first grade; Im much more interested in love and relationships and friendships and companionship. With out love or connection; I dont care about schooling.
.
So; I make it to several others homes and hang out there when young; almost live there. And looking back; NO! I didn't have it made because my schooling was destroyed; so; with out that segment mastered or at least present in my like; schooling; I have no future; so; I did not make it into better situation; not until schooling education direction career work; is established as part of life; it was devoid of my life; thus I stayed a 5 year old up into the ages of 10;' alter Ill be moved and sexually abused; and that is a whole other new set of realities. Ill have no connection to my past at that point.
.
.
So; looking back at my childhood;' it wasn't so good; those few years of early freedom Because schooling was not set in motion with everything else.
.
.
.
So; I was able to share tonight about how; out of insecurity; when young; I literally moved into other peoples families; I didnt even date there daughters; I wanted to replace there kids with me. I wanted to become part of there family.
.
A voice came to me from God in those days; Omnicell; if you dated their daughters like you were suppose to; you would have become part of there families and been able to move forward with your life".
.
So; If I had moved forward with there daughters and became part of there families; I would be moving away from my childhood; I did not want to do that; I wanted to go back to my childhood that was stolen from me... The universe said to me; Omnicell"; if you had dated their daughters and married one of them; you would have been going back to your childhood.
.
So; here I am between dating and my childhood; Im now dealing with this strange place. a very lonely place that Im out on a limb.
.
I can moving into the next realm of recovery; bringing me back into my childhood where I get to re do relationship development and schooling career activity work development; participation development; where I work through the pain of the abusers who destroyed me and who cut me off from such situation; and did so violently; In this case; brutal violence is not so much direction physical attack but kind of; they had control of my life and pulled me out of my good and my ability to survive.
.
.
I have allot of deep hidden dissociated horror and pain and violent hatred from other lives buried; much like moving under ground under water rivers and currents at the deepest parts of the ocean; no one even knows about them until they are caught in them.
.
.
Goals;
Music; Lyrics; break it down into 10 steps; work on a little everyday until something satisfactory is is done.
.
.
After telling the truth about what happened with relationships when younger; Ive done it a few times at meetings; several times; more explicit tonight at a meeting and telling people I was cut off so many times from expressing myself by being removed from life when young; Now; I feel like relationships are not really a problem anymore.
.
I mean; it seems I can talk to women; I thought I had a problem with that; but it seems Im OKEY.
.
.
.
A more sinister problem that is plaguing me; Work; career; schooling failure.
.
My schooling was destroyed the day I started and it stayed untouched and destroyed. I never did apply myself; I cant. I never used my intelligence; I don't remember even touching it or getting it close to being touch; instead; I have to have the ability to trust the environment and that was impossible with all the trauma and personal violations brought against me when young.
.
PTSD made it impossible to study; And when very young; I was neglected; schooling was neglected. I was neglected; my future was completely neglected from the very start. Its not fair; its like I was brought up by criminals and I didnt know it; I hate that I spent time around them as if they were normal and on my side; especially my father who was a con man and liar... He was a rapist. and who knows what else; a sociopath. I was used by him the whole time and never knew... I was used by this person; I cant call him a father; he was a monster. He was connected to no one. He was a complete stranger living out his fantasies through children until the children got old enough to see through what he was doing; He knew that by the time the child got about 7 years old it was over; he could no longer fool or groom the child into believing him; and thus; he turned on the child and moved on. Thats all that happened with me.
He appeared to own the house and the vehicles and snowmobiles and other things; skiing equipment; but he didnt; My mother owned everything; So; When my father left; he could leave free as a bird and start over somewhere else as if he never had a family; no conscious.
.
.
.
.
.
.
However; I think what is important is; the problems Ive had with women have to do with low self esteem do to lack of direction and work problems; and Ill look into these and address these.
.
As I get more honest about what happened to me when young with women and talk about it; it hasnt taken all that much time to get over it; I seems like all I had to do was tell some people at a meeting a few times the truth about my past behavior and suddenly I have nothing to hide.
.
However, I do have something to hide; My lack of work direction and career direction and anti social behavior towards work; My lack of money and lack of personal power in the world and financial power in the world.
.
So; this is getting interesting.
.
Im not sure yet; how God is going to fix all this; Ill keep working on it with the universe.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], Mark1980, streamlinevideo, Western, Yahoo [Bot]
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Social just improved; New insights
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.001s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 2.97
Time : 3.001s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 2.97