July 2025
June 2025
So it begins…
The purge back into society; The purging of living on memories; The purging of being stuck in a time- warp that repeats itself over n over. This means a full immersion back into society. Its more like the purge creates a running affect; its energy directed; that is the full immersion missile. Society its self is an identification. Ive learned my lesson and no more escaping from life; ( Im trying to escape from the escape). Life is the escape because I say so. And for anyone or any man to get this far in life; is a good thing. Its like coming home. Its more then coming home. Its coming back to God; its coming back; and that is a good thing; a lucky thing; a fortunate thing. Its life; as we know it!
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Benefits of the Recovery process
Wht have I gotten from spending half my life in 12 step groups; Ive received riches; but in what form?; Attitude. What I used to clamor about; about being a slave. Now; my attitude has changed; Now Im reverent that I get to be part of life. That I get a chance to step back into it; truly incredible; truly. A door has been opened to me; and opportunity; not given to everyone; But its given to me… And Im taking it and have been taking it for a long long time; for Ive been traveling back in forth in n out of these doors. But now a newer door has been offered me; a door of openness and closure. When I walk through this door; I wont want to ever go back through it again. Ill be staying in the present again because life will be bearable to me for me in the present; For God has re structured everything for me to live in the present and win.
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NOTE: What do I mean by Win! Well; I get the same life back I had before when I was a kid; but I have no desire to have the scumbags( The bad people)( Strangers pretending to be someone else) in my life who fooled me when I was young; Ive become aware of what they are; and they are no longer needed to make me happy or to feel stable by their trickery. I have a life built underneath their deception they know nothing about and never will; its life where Im being taken care of by God; and they have no part of it.
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I win! …………………………..
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Its pure riches. I really don’t know; if I compared what I have to someone that inherits a billion dollars; seriously; would they really have more then me. Well; Im a man that likes money. I may not have much right now… ! However; I believe everyone aught to be rich; filthy rich; rich enough to ski every day for the rest of their lives. RICH! Full a cash; thats what I think.
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I never got a chance to dream like this when I was young. We will see… I mean. Ive never pursued any wealth before… Not until getting involved with God and success based thinking processes… So; havent pursued anything like that yet! Dont know; Ill work with God on stuff.
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My life is coming back; Im so very lucky regardless of what or where I came from; To be able to go beyond what I experienced or where I came from; incredible. Under Gods directive; to come back to society ( or feeling safe that altho within society not part of society only by choice)( but still part of society)( not living in a false dream world). ( I have a dream world but its through God)( the rest of me is here on planet earth); to come back as if I never left; Like it was all a dream; all the bad things that happened. And I never lost out; Instead; God just replanted me somewhere else. Its almost like winning the lottery. I listened to God and God replanted me and I sprouted; re sprouted at the new location of where he planted me; But I had to ask his permission for his help; I had to ask permission after getting his help. I had to ask his permission for help; and he helped me… and their it is…
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I was fooled in my dream. But Im not in my dreams. Im in reality; I take my desires to God.. And I learn to live out my dreams…
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I did not re sprout as someone else; I was given the opportunity to start over as myself somewhere else; and? ( pause); It worked! Smile! Im part of the equation…
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So; Im in this big authentic purge; probably the first and maybe last of its kind… Its the place; that insecure innocent authentic place; childhood place; within me; Its getting answered if I want it to; to do this trek; and I must; I don’t know how much I want to; it will bring me back to the first stages of life. Its about facing the loses.. and coming back to life. God is pulling me; it is time…
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Its funny; No one ever told me about this part of it; The happy ending; I get a happy ending. That is what God gave me. Truly incredible.
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And that is where Im going.
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I now have to face something Ive never faced; However; thats not true; in many cases; Ive been faces small bits of it all along and those small bits are adding up into a foundation I have resting on but never set foot on. Its this foundation that will cover me through to the next level. I rest on it like its a flying disk that takes me from this life ( hidden in childhood wows) to the next. For I get to go back to my true life again; this is the gift I receive from God; Gods love and light in my life; its still there. Im still connected; nothing has been taken; nothing has changed. Well; everything has been taken; and that is what has led me back to the light…
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I was lied to in this life on all fronts; and easily stripped of everything; and that is what has led me back to the light.
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Im in Gods arms way..( Not Harms way). Im being rescued from Harms way; into Gods Arms way; into Gods Arms. Meaning; Im in track’t; a tractor beam within God…I am Gods tractor beam. Im in Gods signals tunnel. I live there; rest there. I visit there. I don’t live there. I don’t want to live there because thats not living; it was never meant for me to live their; it was meant for me to rest there and I do and I am and I have. And I live there…. But it was never meant for real living; its more like a hospital for nervous patients. Patients who have problems with there nerves. I rest their and I live their…
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I get to come back; what is that worth to a person in the world. In its truest form; it is worth everything. It is everything.
It is like a boy watching a horror movie who after being pulled into the movie; wakes up a bit and simply turns the TV off and then goes up stair to their room and falls asleep safe n sound in the real world. It was just a movie.
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Ive been given the gift that most of my life; was just a movie; I get to change the channel and turn it all off. And yet stay present and alive and fine…
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I Get to see all of this stuff from the past but not need to live there or in any of it. I can live a bran new life with out a thought of it; not missing any of it or any one from it; Nothing. Ive done the spiritual work under Gods direction to be at this place; In the end I truly end up the winner only because God says so… Ive been given permission only because I asked for it and was willing to take steps toward it under Gods care.
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So; here I am;
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The past; all of it; has been identified within me as a giant movie. And at some point; seeing the futility and stupid-ness of this movie; I just shut it off and be grateful for where Im at right now in real life; my real life; a real life re born re earned or re sprouted in the garden of life and thus earned from the ground up to now! Ground up under God. And because of taking the chances and the steps; I learn God is on my side and Im OK. IM ok in boring reality. Im Oke and Im safe.. Im safe from the past…
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However; I must take the next step. I must face a major obstacle. In my young life I was pulled away from myself; ripped to pieces; ( there is resentments)( I can feel it; and it takes me away from God)( there is deep fear; Death Fear). In that middle ground. I must face re walk and work with God to face; and deal with the grief. Ive dealt with massive grief before but this is something else; this is a kind of deeper wound. So; I must work with God on this; stay with God as I cross this divide. I must work with God as I cross this deeper divide; This deeper divide with God.
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A bridge must be built to cross this. I have to cross this as if Ive never crossed anything before. Ill just pray about it; and deal with the humiliation.
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I have things to face within this area of things to face of an area that I must face so I can face the things I must face and so on and so on and so on. Until I decide under Gods care that it is neutralized.
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I suppose Im preparing right now! Thats what all of this is.
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What am I facing? To say Goodbye; To say Hello!
Im facing past dreams that never were fulfilled; a life ripped away and torn apart; torn to pieces; killed and murdered off. And Im going to deal with it. I just be on my knees way below God for God to do his work; for I must ask God for help and allow that I can receive; Thus I must be under ( in front of God); for Gods enrichment to fall upon me fully.
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This is not easy but not the first thing Ive faced; nor the first bridging affect that needs to be done. This is hard to face and hard to bear tho. Im facing where the ripping nightmare begins… where Ive been torn in half. And Ill be walking over it numerous times; and working with in it; helping God to repair it slowly methodically.
Im in that space; Im heading toward it that I may get to the other side of it and live… live my life.
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God has prepared me very well for this under-taking. Thank you so much God.
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This whole experience is the finality of letting go. Its refacing what I was forced to face without choice when young; for I was slammed into a corner I could not get out of. Its like having a life raft pulled out from underneath me while on a turbulent river and being forced to float down the river with out a life vest; fighting to stay alive and finally drowning.
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NOTE: Ive been forced to drown numerous times in this life.
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And that means; others were involved in sinking me; killing me; drowning me. But on the way down to the bottom of the sea; I called out to God and God rescued me. And God continues to rescue me every hour and every minute of the day; In the end; I win.. I was not just picked up by Gods large hands; and brought to land; Instead; I was scooped up by God and brought into Gods Kingdom “ ALIVE”; And Now I get to live a very interesting experience; I get to live in Heaven and or in Gods kingdom alive; Im not dead. Im not dead yet. But I get to live in Gods kingdom alive. This is truly a marvelous wonder and I believe the only passage that comes to mind from the Bible is this.
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“ The meek shall inherit the earth”. And I know there are millions more; but Id have to read the Bible again… I know; I know what they are… just not willing to think right now…
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All of this is preparing me for the next step… When I walk through the valley of death; God and Gods Angels with me; in fact; his whole repair team is with me… Hundreds and hundreds; I wont be alone. But I will have to experience alone; part of it… Ill have to walk on it face it feel it “ be their in it” God will get me through.
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NOTE; Ill have to bow down at that moment in defeat and get under God in front of God lower then God and pray for help from God to take care of me for I lost at those places; I was killed in battle; I did not make it; I did not survive… I must go beneath those things deeper and deeper.
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I can feel what is really going on. Ill be forced to come to a conclusion the past really did suck; their were no friends in it. Maybe a few on the south side and that was it; no other; and I never knew. I had no idea I was surrounded by my enemies the whole time. But God will see me through for God was not my enemy.
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NOTE; and I kind of knew I didn’t have any real friends except a few on the south side; but that wasnt enough for me. Well; it is today! Its just fine. Ill have a few good friends from the south side and God and leave it at that; no other areas of the earth need be opened up to me… Im fine.
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Im learning how to purge the past; the whole of the past and move on into a new life again… And that is what is coming up.
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So; I must bow down to God way way back from all of this and go extremely deep and ask God for help on my knees as I barrel down hundreds of feet and dig a tunnel that goes underneath all of this and comes out the other side way way way way out in front where there is safety.
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On WRITING; becoming a writer…
Its beginning; the stages; the beginning of a real interest and curiosity and what it would take to be a writer and the work and sacrifices necessary for me to want to be part of such a thing; the commitments responsibilities… the work involved. To become a good writer requires work and lots of it everyday practicing; consistent.
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What will it take to be an Artist of different sorts; Music, Art, Writing; I could say Video work; because I want to put my stuff into video; but I think thats more technical in learning… Practical…
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Working with God; What do I have to do to get a Wife… Im slowly slowly slowly opening up to God on this one.
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First; The Arts/Humanities…
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I would like to venture into Mathematics and Astronomy/Physics after I show competency in handling the Craft affairs for developing my Art Interests. I want to prove I can handle doing something( anything); because I desire its outcome more then the tediousness of the work involved in crafting it at a high enough frequency of publishability. Meaning; Show me the work Ethic you Writer.. Thats what it means. Once that Work ethic is proved creating Arts; I would like to move it over to the Sciences…
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In the Arts; What is going well..
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Work ethic; beginning development of work ethic in
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1. Guitar playing
2. Song writing development is; OK…. Needs more development…. However; Im doing OK creating songs on Guitar… at beginner level.
3. Lyrics; Need work… This is about the craft of creating lyrics… the work ethic involved for follow through of song writing…
4. Instruments; Piano; need to get that set up. More work; serious work.
5. Art; Yes; started creating again on cyber canvas; for now; all good…
6. Writing; Yes; doing OK; doing well… for a beginner beginner. Studying the pro’s of story writers…
7. Singing; OK.. doing well.
8. Performing; OK; working with Others; for now.
Sum it up…..
Im doing well in;
Guitar
singing
song writing for guitar
Art
Beginning writing
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Need more work in;
Lyric writing
Set up piano
classical composition; need to get to work… work on it please; have purpose; need purpose need goals with this.
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What do I have established purpose with;
Guitar
Performance of created music
Art Painting
Beginning writer
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Where I need help developing Purpose;
Classical music composition… A clear plan of why Im doing it; and where its going…
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Wife; This is the big one; Getting this back in my life. And Ive worked extensively on this with God. Where am I at with this.
Who do I need to become to have a wife…
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First; Talk to God about every new discovery I find or I am founding myself upon!
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In General;
As Ive been working on Wife concepts; God is creating in me to be husband material. I believe I have to or want to be husband material first… What does that mean; resources! Or the equivalent.
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What Im finding; I have this natural bend toward the idea of becoming a stable guy first; a person with resources for a wife; In the old days and now I think; a job; money; direction, Goals, car, house. Stability; However; In my case; God will have to send me in a direction for these things. I have no idea at this point. I have good intentions.
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So; its like; God wants me to have resources first; to become that kind of guy; and if so; God will develop me into that person. And that may be what I need to become; to get me under my own feet again. We will see. But I can kind of feel it… this development; altho I have no idea HOW this is going to come about. I certainly am and will be working down God pathway for such things under Gods sovereign state…
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Im on to something; God and I are communicating.. And I can see it; a womens position with me. Im the guy and I become the breadwinner; regardless….. Its my position; a natural position as a man. But I have to have it; nothing else feels right…
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Heres the point; Im starting to get back or connect back into that mode where I was at as a kid; back into productive alignment with God.
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What is a bread winner; House, Car, Working man, producing… Direction; purpose, goals and so on…. In a sense I have to become a man to have a wife. TheIR; I COULDNT SAY IT BETTER MYSELF… And God is sending me and teaching me in that direction… And I start there… and I work with God.
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PROBLEMS: Right now; Ive got a break or Gap I have to work through; its a place I was slaughtererd as a child/teen/young adult. I have to work through it or over it with God… This is a big one. This is like swimming a small ocean.
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So; what if I needed massive amount of money and house and car and…. What if needed this; I have to believe; thats what all of this is about; setting goals and desires with God; and believing. Today; if God said; I need a million bugs; OK. God; You bring it to me; get it to me any way I can get it! OK. GOD is working with me; co creating; so; Good; Ok…
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PROBLEMS; Im going from broken child; transplanted into new life as child. And grown by God and sprouted into new garden. And Now what. And Im still at child level; what do I do God. Now; I must make bridge to get over gap to get to safety.
Im like one of those baby crabs on the sandy beach with the other 300,000 thousand baby crabs on the beach trying to to the water…. Water is the beginning of safety… I need a bridge. Ill need a mother and father to help me. And friends and God and a ladder and bridge and many things. And Ill have to experience this time; what it feels like NOT TO HAVE THE PEOPLE OF THE PAST TO DEPEND ON. Ill need to feel the GRIEF of the past and work through it in a big way; this one more big time as I fight to go over this bridge… but first the BRIDGE most be built; and the work that goes into preparing the ground for the bridge and becoming more sane and present for all of this to happen. Not their yet; getting their; to make this a reality so I can start. Must manifest more of it first with God or any of it; maybe only in the imagining stage right now… Yes; its the child in me looking at his future….
So; I have to start working with God on it to trust God; For; God is like my parents; God is helping me. Amen.
Our partner
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