August 2025
July 2025
I have pain where Ive been burned...
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Why did I want to get burned or take the chance of it; that is the question; I seem to blame others for it. Even if it was criminal against me; why do I not just call the other person a criminal.. I guess people caught with in the snares of narcissists go through this... THey get sweet talked or charmed; and its hard to admit thats all it was... I never thought it would happen to me; but then I looked for it; I got off the trail... and went down a new unknown path and at the end of the past was a blood thirsty demon waiting for me.
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Demons do not dress like its Halloween; They dress normally; smile and act smoothly; and undetected...
Unfortunately; I have to look at the idea; that I could opportunize my way into things when I myself had nothing. And that I dont want to look at. Nor do I want to look at the downfall from associating with people who did have something and I didnt and how I got kicked in the pants because of it; kicked right out the door...
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But they never kicked me in the present; but in secret; they left; silently... They saw me the victim who never woke up to what they were doing; caught in a trauma bond... THey had a field day with it.
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Why its so hard to wake up from narcissistic attack; I dont know. I think because they are criminals. The the results of that kind of assault are so wounding and ripping and deep; one must remember; these are sociopaths deep down; Their is no safety with these type of criminals... Murder'rs are murder'rs regardless of the masquerade they are flaunting.
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Im still not getting it; I still feel like Im at a loss... Like I lost something; so Im working with the universe to wake up; I dont know how long it will take or why its so hard. Ill ask the universe and GOd and ask for help... For; Im not seeing things correctly. And Im mad about it. My nervous system still wants to see things from an ignorant child level point of view... child like point of view... Im not sure why! For my survival; I have to see things from an adult point of view. I was taken advantage of by an adult point of view...
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I mean; So; Ill work on it... its hard to face.
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One area Ive noticed that God is trying to reveal to me. I didnt take orders from GOd; follow through; I @!@@@! around and played games; suddenly I was destroyed and abandon. I can always take all of this to God and work on it; and ask GOd what the next move is to face...
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I can work with God. I just want some peace and to live my life... I want peace from the past; I want to understand what happened to me; what happened and to get over it...
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I want to admit that I was wrong and didnt know anything and was ignorant and did ignorant things and got destroyed because of it. I want God to wake me up to see the truth of it and move on.
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I remember my Best Friend growing up... I was able to see him for who he really was. Why am I having such a hard time seeing others for who they are; Im having a hard time accepting the truth about them; I mean; I got @!@@@!. But I got destroyed and set up from my best friend as well. Maybe Ill do a closer inventory of him to see how I was able to find out what he was like; and thus apply it to others Im having a hard time with...
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I woke up to the snare my best friend had always had me in; He was no friend of mine; he was a liar and cheat and I never saw it; nor did I see it in his family.
When I did see it; I worked through it; it was a horrible reality and a horrible slam but God allowed me to see it for what it was and I moved through it; I moved through it smoothly easily... I had no hookups about it. I did; but I moved on... I worked with GOd on it.
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But others; I seem to need more. As if I turned them into my best friend and my mom... or something. or they gave me some kind of fake acting job I fell for... Maybe they were worse... And I really fell for things blindly. I had no personal power to fight back...
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Either way; Ill get down to the bottom line on these things... Ill work with God on it.
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I walked into traps; I was not the guy I thought I was... why cant I look at that and why cant I accept it... Possibly; that ego or pride was my weakness... and I was snared by someone that was looking to trap and spit out people like me; foolish people who throw their lives away with no one to protect them... and I was snared by bad people. Why cant I call them bad people. Why am I so afraid and trapped... intimidated maybe.
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Yet; I want to continue to call the bad people good people... and feel powerful because Im on their side.. And I miss that popularity and power... Something like that; hooked on the worldly things. Ill take that to God and work on it. Evil I guess. Something is wrong...... Maybe trauma bonded.
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Maybe something to wake up from.....
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In the weak damaged places from sexual abuse and trauma; mother and father trauma and bully and school trauma; loss trauma; From these perspectives; I think these other sociopaths crawled into those empty spaces; took them over when I was not looking and lived their and controlled everything in my life.
looking back; they had full control over me completely... I was like in a tractor beam... I gave them full control; full throttle.
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And looking at that I gave them full control of me over me; This is something to look at... Some kind of truth within this... Something that shows they're real character...
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Im having a hard time accepting my role in what I did... by selling myself short to others; to the wrong people.
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