July 2025
June 2025
First; concerning the Girl up the street; this is a girl I always write about in my blogs; she was someone I fell for when very young and I was destroyed doing so.
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I continue to write about her for my mental health reasons to figure out how to release her from my mind; from having control over me; and the more I write the more; slowly; the real truth is revealed and slowly she begins to take on a different form of what I wanted her to be; the truth begins to reveal no one special.
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She was special to me; That was the problem; no one special existed. Is she the monster I made her out to be; I don't know; maybe; probably not. Instead; she was someone from a family system that didn't need me. I had made a mistake and mistook her from someone of my similar background; in reality; she had no background like mine.
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However, I have not been able to accept this. Slowly I am accepting this. Ive been around many stuck up people; this was just one more shallow person that I tried to make out to be depth full. I guess I needed to do this? In reality; I cant even say that! I meant nothing to this person; that is shocking until one understands this person never claimed to have any depth or character at a deeper level.
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What happened here; I desperately needed to be in a new family system of some kind; I was around a bad family system of people that were my enemies. I needed a new home to live in. This person; this girl lived up the street. By chance I was invited to come up to there home; my brother knew her brother and I met her. The problem was; I was down earth; she was not; and that was that.
This simply was the wrong person to meet. In in normal situations I would have been like Jesus Christ around King Herod; When Jesus met Herod; Jesus had been captured; he was presented to Herod; Jesus said nothing; no matter what Herod asked him; Jesus stayed silent and did not answer to him. This intrigued Herod; Yet; finally Herod grew tired of him; laughed him off as an Imbecile; and finally dismissed him. In a sense; this is what happened with me and this girl. At some point this person had to value me for who I am or I would just go silent on the person and at some point walk away and never return.
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The main problem concerns the first moment I met her; looking at her; her eyes; or ways her sensitivity.. Something attracted me. I saw a little baby; the child in her to carry or care for or love; adorable; However, I was mistaken on all counts; no such individual existed. I was wrong.
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I'm not sure what happened or why; I was projecting? I don't know; what ever it was; I was wrong. Nothing was wrong with this person; this person was not sensitive was overly shy; was not anything. This was not a nice person; this was a monster...
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Fair enough; my ability to interact with people was broken; I had a hard time admitting this; That I was wrong; I had made a mistake or an innocent judgment of character; I tried to make this awful person; this monster into a nice person. And there it is. I can feel the broken ruptured areas of my personality flaring up while I write this; this is where my denial exists.
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I was mentally ill and should not have been going to other peoples houses; I should have been in a Nut house getting help; but I was around no one that cared about me one way or the other; I was a throw away; no one cared if I was dead or alive or if they ever saw me again.
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Why this girl? Why did I feel she would understand me or something? Right in the middle of my denial; my dissociations. \
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I was reading something into the situation with a stranger. And this is the hardest statement I can make; my ego flairs up all over the place. I cant take the fact I was duped. However, In reality; How could I have been duped. I mean; who really fooled me. I suspect she knew what was going on and I was being played from the beginning.
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In fact; I know she knew what she was doing and I was being played from the beginning; How did this get turned into a trauma bond.. Why didn't I get the _____ out of there. So; this problem starts to look like my problem. I'm dealing with a wicked individual; a Witch; same thing; pure evil; Im being taken for a ride. But I allow it. Why? maybe I'm looking to created resentments against someone else so I can turn on them and play the victim. So; actually I'm the victimizer who has taken hostage a stranger I did not know for the sake of turning on them and blaming them so I could hate them and claim I was the victim.
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This was a stranger; yet; I tried to make them out to be someone else; someone fare closer to me when in reality they never were. Nothing was ever developed.
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For some reason I want to believe something was developed but it wasnt; the facts on paper show it. Right from the beginning I did not follow through with anything; I refused; I did not trust trust the person. Because of this I was laughed at by these people; her family.. At that moment it was over.. I refused to associate with her again. But I did. I continued to show up around her.
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Does this sound right; No; this does not sound right. Nothing existed here because there was no innocent nice girl who was kind and had depth and kindness who lived up the street that would see my value... Nothing. When I found this out; I left. I was heartbroken she was not the girl I thought she was?
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Well; Im still not telling the truth. She never claimed from the beginning that she was suppose to be the girl I thought she was suppose to be.
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I had walked into a situation I should have turned around and walked out of.
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My laziness got me up to her house in the first place. I should have never entered her house; I should have never had a desire to meet anyone like this in the first place; and nothing hurts worse than to say this; I was in the wrong in the first place.
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I actually owe her an apology for intruding on her home. If I had been true to myself and worked with GOd in the first place; I would have never gone that direction in the first place. I did not care about my life and I ended up in the hands of an adulterous or the same equivalence. This person was Godless; or was she? I dont know; does it matter; I was not suppose to meet her in the first place.
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She had no value for me because she did not have the training to be around someone like me; she did not have the depth because; Why would she. I should she. I was not suppose to ever meet her in the first place. What was I doing going in that direction in the first place.
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I do not blame people like this. THey never invited me into there lives. I found myself intruding on there lives then turning on them and turning them into traitors for my cause; Im the one manipulating.
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Fair enough; However, the biggest problem I have was the first time I met her; I was charmed by her? I was charmed like snake; and Ive never been able to admit it. I was caught at a weak moment and manipulated. And it really really hurts. And some how I wont take owner ship of it because I was all ready so hurt and destroyed. So; to be spat on like this secretly from the first meeting... Why didnt I just get out of there. I would I expect anything different.
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Why would I expect anything different from a Stanger I had never met then to be spat on spiritually. Why would I think this person or any other would not do such a thing or not accept me. Why would I think this person would accept me; I mean seriously; I did not know her; why would I expect anything from a complete stranger; and there sits something beyond arrogance; I mean; it goes into narcissism.
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Why cant I accept this; Im nothing. Period. I was nothing in this persons eyes. Why should I be anything else. I mean; pack my things wipe the dust off my feet and leave immediately the way I came in...
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I didn't do that. I turned and stayed; I was attracted to evil. The anger in me made me stay?
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I was manipulated. I mean; if the person thought I was evil; I could stay. And I think maybe she did. I mean; why else would I be there if I wasn't evil. And at some point I realized it wasn't just her family that was evil; she was evil; However, heres the problem; These are private people with private lives; I invaded these private people and then stared judging them; I mean; Ya know; what was I thinking! Arrogant and stupid. In a great sense; No one invited me up to there house; no one that counted; I did not know this girl; never seen her before; never heard of her. I never met her before or her family; and no one knew me. I was not known or already a friend of the family. Why would I be a friend of there family.
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So; things dont work this way.
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I thought she needed to be saved; I was wrong; dead wrong; no one needed me... Why was I there.
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I was in a state of delusion. This girl was going somewhere in life; she did not have any reason to know someone like me. Even that statement is wrong. I mean; I cant speak for her or anyone else; but obviously I turned her into an object that I can now speak for.
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So; I tried to turn her into an object; I got busted and I ran out of there ashamed. I tried to pull one on her and her family and I got caught and thus I had to leave. I wanted to meander around and live off them; hang out in there house and do nothing... I did not want to go to the house I was living at; or staying at; those people did not like me; it was brutal hatred and contempt for me being there. I had to find somewhere I would not be hated. But I was hated by her and her family as well. And for some reason; that broke my heart. And yes; its a let down; However; why did I have expectation concerning someone I did not know nor had ever met before; one reason was the way I met her; the first time I met her and sized her up. However, she saw me coming and play acted a role on me; fake charm; hidden contempt and I fell for it. And I dont know why! I guess I was tired and didnt care anymore; I had no idea it would cost me later. I was not around friends; I was around people that hated me from the beginning.
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She was not the first person I tried to pull this on; trying to escape to another family that didnt want me. I tried it in my home town. I was accepted at a few places but unknown to me I was not accepted at many of the homes I tried to invade; and thats what it was; home invasion and the owners and there kids; kids my age at the time; they were not happy with my presence. THey had contempt and when they could get rid of me they would or tell me what they and there families actually thought of me.
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These people Im talking about were strangers... I mean; they came from different families and houses then I did. I mean; they were complete strangers... Why I think they owe me something is out of my mind; its madness.
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Ive basically been able to get over most of these house holds that I invaded and call it was it was; I was using these people for a place to hide... I manipulated my way in. However, its been really hard concerning this girl... getting over what happened... what she did to me.
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What did she do to me; She hated me and resented me for ever meeting her or coming into her private life or her parents life or there homes.
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Ill keep working on this until that first picture of her in my mind; until it changes into the negative it really was; someone that was scared of me that did not want me in her home or talking to her or ever seeing me again up and in her home. I have to remember; I was not invited and I was a stranger and that's how I was really treated but I want to make more out of it then it was.
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Ill keep writing about it until I can handle the truth.
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And I am getting better.
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And I don't want anyone defining my worth.
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I allowed what this girl thought of me to define my worth... and it broke me; why? why give all of my identity and power away to some snake like this. Why would I make her out to be a charming person when she was not and I already knew this... Why; maybe I thought it a place to hide; Ill hide with the rest of the evil; but it didn't work; evil turned on me and I was mad about it; I mean; I just needed a place to crash and hang out; I didn't want to meet anyone or get close to anyone; I just wanted a new home to live in. A new place; I didn't want to know anyone... I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to rest and hide. I was looking to escape. I got pulled into a trap and could not defend myself against it because I was overwhelmed and never saw it coming; I was fooled with no defense against it completely fooled. And that scares me how easily I was manip0ulated.
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So; I was going up to a girl that was a complete stranger that had no way of being who I needed her to be and I knew it; it was just one more thing I could use against her and anyone else I could find to manipulate into my web of deceit. I was like a criminal taking everything out on the world. And I may have hurt someone and I got caught red handed doing so. And I never got a chance to fix it.
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However; more realistically; it was all a game of contempt from the other person who was playing innocent to rope me into the nose I would hang myself with; and this was out of contempt; she was making the statement of " who do you think you are; your nothing to me".
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Who did I think I was; that she might take some interest in me; she made it clear the answer was NO! ANd I didnt like that answer...
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So; Im slowly getting to the truth... Im the perpetrator here. ANd I had to leave. Or; I was asked to leave.
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At some point Ill accept what I did and move on; I was put in my place and I dont like it. I was caught and I dont like it and I have to move on.
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The key is keep my worth; and its very hard on this one and I dont like it. non of this. However, I define who I am; no one else. Its very hard in this situation... to keep to self; my worth as if I never went through this. However, Ill keep at it until I dont feel so intimidated by the situation; or scared.
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I think maybe I feel like I was in the middle of a Satanic world at that girls house and I had made a mistake being around satan's core. I had walked into a satanic situation and I really got hurt. And I never forgave myself for it... I was taken right from the beginning; I was way over my head right from the beginning by these evil people. And I had no idea what I had walked into until I was slain and it was to late... and I really really really got hurt.
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OKEY; for the rest of things.
Things are going well; I still have to fall in love with losing weight. I'm starting to eat better foods so the affirmations are working.
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Music; heading to a place of creating my own songs and performing them live; This is starting. I mean; I'm working with God and cautiously taking chances.
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So; Im slowly working in the recovery process to work through things and get back up to speed...
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