July 2025
June 2025
Signs of Responsibility;
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Something has happened; is happening. Im showing signs; Some signs I havent seen or felt since a child; Some forms of responsibility.
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This is a wonderful thing… Its a sign of taking care of myself. This means the work Ive done over half my life in recovery; this is the wonderful pay off that shows up; nothing could be better.
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Nothing is better when I can be aware of the ability for me to take care of myself; some beginning aspects. Any aspects of responsibility. They have shown up. Now; working with God; is the ability to build on this… that is the goal; its feeble and weak. However it is happening. Its real and its a beginning.
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What does this mean; Its me responding and taking care of myself. Thats what it means; it means I don’t need the people from the past. The loss from those people not carrying about me. Im now carrying about me. Its a start… but its real…
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This type of ability; responsibility; personal responsibility; just barely the beginning of noticing such feelings and awareness. This is the type of thing that creates a responsible person accepting reality in this life. This is a sign of some form of beginning mental relief and health. Its not strong enough for purpose accept to be aware of it and let it grow under God…
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Problems with others;
One main problem with others; I put the responsibility of my life on complete strangers; Thus; when working a 12 step program. I work a 4th step concerning resentments; How to uncover resentments and eliminate them. One way of eliminating resentments is to look at my role in a situation and only my role. When doing this; Im taking full responsibility for my actions. And if I want something to change; I change my actions; Im not longer a victim. Assuming this is not some criminal venture against my will; sexual abuse or childhood abuse by adults or something.
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I have allot of work to do on 4th steps still. I must get to a point that I see only my role in something and take responsibility for my actions; Thus taking the power away from those lone people that changed their minds on me… tricked me or left me because I really didn’t mean much to them. And for sickening of leading people on without letting now clue; I can only guess they area some kinid of sadistic criminal minded type person.
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I have to look at my role in things in the past.. I have to ask God what alternatives could I have been apart of so I could have support at the times I had none. Because I had no support I did drastic things; I met unsafe people so I wasnt alone; so I could feel like I was part of something; anything.
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I have allot of work to do here. Ive been dissociated all my life and in the middle of my life more severely to a point of complete disability starting in my childhood adolescence teen years and early 20’s later Ill get much worse and will become schizophrenic like for a long long time.
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Im still very weak mentally. And I have allot of work to do…. Im not alone I have help and recovery meetings and processes.
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Guitar;
Here is another angle of problems; dissociative problems…
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Guitar; As a friend of mine has said; theyve been a beginning guitarist for 40 years. That means; they've never learned a scale; they may or may not know enough chords. They can hear scales but never learned them. Theyve never learned a song; a completed song.
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And this is interesting; because for me; I am the same way; Im a beginner guitarist; have been all my life. After half my life I did put out a few months to learn some basics; So I did break through some things; Finally; However; Ive never learned one song… Ive never played one song all the way through… I know some chords; I can play some barre chords… I know scales; but not on the guitar. Ive never put out the work; and could not take the responsibility to come into reality. I just coudnt deal with it; it was 2 much for me. I would have shown Ive done nothing with my life accept learn how to play the guitar enough to just barely come into reality; And I could not handle looking at that…
The problem is; I dissociate… Im, stopped; Ive got walls up; steal walls that trap me…. I dissociate when ever I get close to doing anything in reality. I can go to 12 step meetings… its a form of relief from PTSD world… or CPTSd world. AVPD world; if its safe at those meeting and Im not being stalked..
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So; I have allot of work to do on self..
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