July 2025
June 2025
I went from a childhood I quietly and secretly built to being stripped of my life and thrown away.
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I'm now trying to pick up the pieces and put something together. I don't know what I'm doing; I've never done it before at this level; I've been protected by a brain that shut everything out. Now its different.
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I have to get in touch with the universe to figure out what direction to go. I'm stuck.
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Its like I'm the boy just before getting thrown away and its to much anxiety and trauma; what happened.
However, I'm working with God to find out how to face this bump. Its like a hill or a small mountain.
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I get the idea of breaking the mountain down one step at a time.
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I was thinking about music; but as I wake up; I've never done anything with my music; nothing. I
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mean; I've never really put forth anything; only once for a small time did I get into it; and then I went back into survival mode. I've never felt safe to do so. Nothing. I'm at this point that I could buy some music gear; but what for. I don't have any mission statement about music; nothing. I cant do something if I have no real purpose. What am I doing it for; it feels like the world owns me. I don't feel any personal power anywhere. I guess I can start asking God for it; I don't know where to go or what to do; I don't know.
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I was starting to create or write music; but I stopped; I don't know what its for. Where to play it after learning it that is safe. I have to have something from the universe; a direction. Its the same thing with Art. I cant go any further. I feel like I'm back being molested in my mothers parents house; being kidnapped and held hostage. I am not free of that time; nor do I know how to get free from that time. I'm still a victim of that place and time. I was completely controlled by this filth. I just want to feel safe.
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So; I'm in the middle of this change; I feel so helpless. The only thing I remember is my childhood; I do not have anything else to remember; Nothing.
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It feels good to write about it.
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I can clean my apartment and keep it clean; I was never able to do that before. I'm slowly learning or have decided to learn how to change my thoughts. I'm kind a willing to try something new. Can I get into it; I don't know. I never feel safe.
I am working with God on meditation and prayer. Meditation is a very important thing.
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I am going to meetings and talking about all of this; about how I'm starting over because I don't have the past resentments or I'm not focusing on them. They really don't exist anymore but then most of my purpose of hating does not exist anymore.
I'm just kind of a fish out of water; I feel like I'm 8 years old and I've been thrown to the streets and I'm in shock and don't know what to do or what direction to go. More like a 4-5 year old thrown to the streets; Now what. So; I'm taking this to God.
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However; I am working on it. Or I would not be writing this. So; Ill keep working with the universe; it also hurts because I remember a life I could have had and was suppose to have until someone else came along and destroyed it.
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What is the next step. I know the next steps are about moving forward; I'm not sure what God has in mind for me.
I'm not sure if I'm suppose to make music or art or something else. But nothing moves; nothing budges. and I see the sexual abuse when I talk about this.
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I don't know what I like or don't like; I don't know anything... I'm trying to work with God to find out.
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ITs back to meditation and prayer.
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A friend of mine this morning told me it might not take as long as I think it will.
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For example. I have this feeling of creating music and performing it. I saw it in my mind; What am I suppose to do; is this from God? I mean; I cant tell where things are coming from or am I trying to escape sexual abuse when young... Being chased or maneuvered.
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I just want to feel safe and be around safe people.
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From every young; I tried to act like other kids and be normal but slowly it fell through because I was ignored and not getting anywhere and any help. And slowly bit by bit; things began to fall off. I began to turn anti social because I could not keep up with what I did not have. At some point; I Was twisted or defensive and pulled away from everything; I just kind of started; I had no one and no love and no one helping me. TV shows helped up to the age of about 7; They actually started taking over at the age of 5-6; Tv shows were showing my future; its all I had to describe my future. No humans were helping me; Then suddenly everything collapsed; My mother and father went there own ways; before this; I was bludgeoned with reality concerning my father; there was no father; only a sociopath who got thrills acting out anti socially against all things sooner or later; this monster was not on my side. Thus; I'm left with my mother who I never trusted ever from the first day I was born. She was a true monster.
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The point is. Here I am now. How do I break back into society. I would need to do something or be part of something. I'm not sure what. Thats what I'm working with God on. And I want to feel safe; be in safe places. I go to 12 step meetings; not safe... Not anymore...
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Back to God and meditation on all of this.
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I'm working some mathematics online; I'm already noticing; I never studied when I was young; I tried to rush everything through once in haste. You cant do that with mathematics; One has to practice on paper over n over n over until they get it; until its in memory; I never had that opportunity when I was young because no one was guiding me or cared about me or was caring about me or my future. I never stopped because I felt good about myself and found out to practice or study what would give me a good grade; no working with teachers; no study time; nothing. All of it is in a kind of survival mode.
I'm also noticing haste and survival mode while watching the instructor. I want to finish as fast as possible; Not be bound to stopping and depending on working at it over n over n over until its memorized. And that is the key. I was not in a environment that allowed that. This tells me of very young abuse. I did not trust myself studying; why. because the emotions were so stretched and so depleted; no one cared about me; nothing or my future. I had no energy left; nothing.
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I also did not want to be caught by a predator because I was vulnerable studying and could not physically look around. So; its so uncomfortable to get good at something. Ill talk to God about it and meditate.
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I was just at a meeting; and I talked about waking up; I talked about the horrible insecurity vibrations I'm dealing with. I talked about a mission statement. A purpose. I explained it; So; I am growing; I'm further then before; However,
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The small child in me that was broken is remembering some better things better times and if I had a purpose statement at that age; and I was working toward it some how; that could or would have taken some of the pressure off from being centered around abuse...
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I'm committed to the recovery I'm in however, I'm not committed to anything else.
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So; these are weird times right now as I go through this long massive transition of getting my life back under my own umbrella; I don't know; Ill keep working at it.
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Today at the meeting I suggested that my talents are almost like a swirling schizophrenically electricianed dance. A dance of sparking lighting rods of energy franticly taking over each other mindlessly. A internal electrical tsunami. Kind of like the vids of a tsunami hitting the beaches and slowly taking everything over; turning everything over and swamping everything; sending it down through the middle of civilization; everything broken up and smashed moving in uncontrollable unreason.
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This electrical field is in front of me. ITs like a storm that encircles me; I have some calm room and then the circle. The circle represents my childhood when it was broken and I was thrown away and abandon.
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A lot of PTSD is coming up in a state of rage.
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I mean; all of this was so long ago; and nothing was ever done about it; nothing... Just horrible.
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SO; I'm hoping this boy that went through this gets a chance to grow and develop; its up to God. Ill work with God and hopefully break through from that time period; grow from that time period.
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SO; goals and meditations.
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I was thinking about Piano and music; its all schizophrenic; no purpose behind it; its all insane meanderings of a broken child. I have no idea if its even part of my future. I have no idea; it triggers so many bad times; and I'm not sure where it goes in the or what to do with it; I don't know. It stops when the broken child of mine; within me ends. I mean. I have not idea if it is suppose to be unraveled or I'm suppose to do anything with it.
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I know that exposing the arts to the world; Ill take a toll. Thats allot of inner me being thrown out on the street.
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I just keep working at this and see where all of this ends up; The goal is a purpose and mission life statement; coming from God and inner being. Desire; something to believe in.
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All I have are my memories of my original young life and house... And then everything goes blank. SO; its that original person I'm trying to develop and grow. And God has to go in there and help me develop and grow into the person God wanted him to become.
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I guess there is hope for me to wake up into the present; I've got so many bad memories and feelings that are coming up from horrible times; after being taken from my original house; I was moved around and around and around from place to place; non functioning... lost. And I'm seeing and feeling all of that; its all coming up; I guess it has to. Its just horrible; I was robbed of my life and I have to see myself a helpless child being robbed of his future and present life; all of it on purpose by these monsters. The key is; can I make it through enough of this pain to come back out into reality now and live again.
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As for purpose; I'm starting to see a few things; I see myself making art; but I don't know why! What for; for a gallery; I mean; that part is not yet connect; gap.
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I see myself writing compositions and playing them on a piano at places; nice places; but why? And I saw myself playing on a keyboard of choice; but for the purpose of composition not just emotional playing; so that went a bit further. But why. Hopefully; simply because I enjoy it.
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And I did see myself doing these things simply because I like to. However, that is the child in me. This has to be developed. But I do see myself playing the piano for music compositions and creating Art. The Art part was broken through but I don't know why I would create Art; that is the problem; for what; and for who to see; I will have to work with God on that.
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I've got a few other interest.
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The problem is I had no mother and no mother that cared about me or my future; nothing. So; I missed all that beginning child development and older child development and pre teen development and teen development; Nothing. SO; I ask the universe to recreate the situation that I can get all that I missed and get back on the sensitive road of my alignment with God.
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So; a continued push with God to uncover my purpose; and I think it will happen. This also has to do with college; if everything was protected and I was protected; when young; and I was developing and protected and had love and caring and attention from a mother and father; What would I have done in college; what direction; And I will work with the universe concerning this.
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SO; I'm almost back on the right track; the key is to keep working with God and the universe and keep working with purpose based meditations on mission statement and purpose.
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I also like to work with words making stories; but not yet; not until other things come into alignment.
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Not sure what else to say; Ill wait before I post.
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So; I'm starting to get a message from God; God is recreating me as I was before I was thrown away from my home when young; that means I remember being a half way full person of the quality of who I really am with the goals and the idea that I will be taken care of and be able to be myself and grow up and develop as a sensitive intelligent person the way I originally intended; I'm starting to see that kid again and that kid is slowly beginning to be me where I left of. However, this will take some time.
And I have to wait on God to supply the right safe people and places and things. Also; my purpose and mission statements and interests and desires in my life; especially the desires; I mean; that was destroyed when young so working with desires is a hard thing; its a place where I was beheaded.
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I'm all ready starting to remember who I am from my childhood; meaning; more n more the real me is showing up in me; this is the me who lived in my house in my neighborhood; before I was destroyed. God is lifting the vail? and I'm starting to show signs of remembering who I am; God is keeping me safe. When I say I'm starting to remember who I am; I'm not kidding; my frequency continues to rise and I'm becoming me again with all the memories. I was a really really good kid; and I'm starting to get that back. I'm remembering and its starting to be my identity again. However, walking outside is to much for me; I still feel I have to protect myself and I'm in survival mode so I'm not able to be me yet; but it will happen.
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I don't have a car; I mean; I've not been present for a long long time in reality; and cars are part of reality.
So; the universe is bringing me back first as I really am and restoring my memories and values and self before I was hurt. And as I rise; more n more my real self shows up; but its a rough deal bringing this part of self outside again; its almost impossible; in fact it is impossible for me but not for God; God is doing it.
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Ill continue to work with the universe and heal. But its not just healing; its like a restoration of my original self childhood. And the feelings to go with it and the desires of that person; and that means
decency and conservative aspect. And finding out what my real purpose is and the appreciation of things.
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I haver to remember this whole thing; changed started a couple of weeks ago; and this last big jump in identity actually started yesterday on the 20th of Feb; 2022. So; Its just started; I'm just starting.
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More n more I'm hoping to get day to day identity information from my childhood as things slowly appear again. And again; this is all universe who is bringing me back to being myself.
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Meditation is of the day.
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My big goal would be to be strong enough to be myself again and to become sane enough to be that person out in public. And I think with time that's going to happen; I'm going to like myself again in the here n now and I'm going to feel good about myself.
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So; My big goal in the future is to feel good and be myself and feel safe and myself outside and outside around others. Being and feeling like the real sensitive intelligent quality me that is me.
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But I'm not there yet.
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So;
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I'm learning to try something and a minute later pray about it or meditation and then go back to it for a minute or 2 to get started and turn back to meditation then prayer. And keep God and universe in that number line.
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Love; I'm starting to remember what it was like to be loved or feel love; just a bit from my beginning childhood and I want more of that; lots more. I guess I cant make God go any faster to heal me.
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I get swamped and over whelmed outside. I don't own a car and I'm not really with it on the dressed up side of life or socially. I would like to feel good inside and when I'm outside; I don't really have any places I want to go outside; Ill work with God on it.
I'm a bicyclist in the warmer months; but I'm getting to old; I mean; I can bicycle; I just want more stability outside. I feel like a whole world is out there that I'm not apart of. Well;
I've got God to answer and help me with it.
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When I'm meditating; I can feel like I did when I'm a kid and I can remember the memories and feel just like I'm home. But then; any physical movement and it brings me back to reality in the present. What I want is to be that kid feeling while meditating; I want to feel and see myself in that all day long regardless of what's outside. The problem is; I know no one.
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The crazy lunatics from the meetings don't count. As I get better they all seem to look like narcissists to me and many are sociopathic and criminal in nature; continually violating my rights. They have no respect for someone's boundaries; i mean; its insane. Its pure criminal. However, I still go and spill my insides to get better and its still working.
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So; I feel stuck. Ill pray about it; keep working with God on this for the answers so I can feel safe.
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As much as I don't like to admit this; I've never really been able to create anything real that I turned into a performance with music; Not for 50 years; nothing. I'm just as stuck now as I've always been. However, I have made some gains but my nervous system never went beyond the shallow mark; I never ventured past fooling around; so; is it a calling; music; I have no idea what is going on. I'm trying to work with God on it.
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I know that when the gap closes that's when I end up with new things or new directions; but that gap is not moving. So; I'm not sure what is going on; or what God wants me to do. I don't know; its all so confusing. I know that meditation is helping right now. I'm feeling more loved.
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Not ever having love when young caused me to burn out all the time. I thought I had love but what I had was a safe space for awhile. I would go to school; go to a friends house; come home and watch TV. And that's how I got my love and security. Unfortunately; that's not enough and soon it ended up not being enough. More things I can take to God.
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I cant depend on an old family system that does not exist anymore. I have to work with God and align with God for a new kind of family system that is on my side; something. OR; a decent place to go; something.
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SO; I want to go places that are safe and good for me. I'm not sure where that is. I'm not sure where to go to places that people will respect me or have the same kind of values. I don't know.
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What is my purpose; THats my goal; this may take along time; I don't know. Ill keep praying about it; Where I start that I feel safe. I don't know. And where it connects. I don't know. Ill keep working with God on it.
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A whole world resides out here but I'm so damaged; and I'm so sick of people.
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I'm not sure what the universe had instore for me. I don't really get it. I just don't.
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I'm trying to work with GOd to see the positive of it. It will take a while for that to happen and for me to believe. I'm just not sure where to go.. or who to be around.
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Ill have to keep praying for what I want.
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Ill get there. I'm feeling better then I have. But I have no support. No people. The 12 step system in general kept me alive one might say; its no place to live. The people are getting more n more creepy with no boundaries; they resemble more criminals then anything else and act like it. Anyway.
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It will be nice when I know what my purpose in life is and or purpose statement and or mission statement. Ill keep working on that.,
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Right now; I kind of go back n forth with interests in some schooling subjects; and then musical instruments maybe creative paintings and sound design stuff? online music shops; God stuff. I don't know; I'm just getting started.
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When I was really young; I would have not been so defensive and freaked out; So; when in college I would have gone after what I liked to do; and that would have started when I was very very young; but I was not afforded that. However, the Mirical is; it may be possible now.
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We will see. And I'm talking from my computer in my little apartment; I've got nothing else going on; meaning; a mission statement or friends or family or anything. The outside world is just this empty place. I mean; its not empty but I'm not connected to anything in this small town. Nothing. I have no idea where to go or where to start. No ideas about anything; not yet. As I mentioned about the 12 step groups; its a good place to go for someone in recovery and for someone in mental health recovery. I've done my time there; I'm still there working things out; but I need a real world place to be part of... I guess; that scares me to say that. I don't trust the outside world. but I'm still not building anything inside my own walls. I'm not sure where I'm suppose to go; I don't know.
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Ill work with God on all of this.
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