July 2025
June 2025
Blog 5 28 2024
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One has to really be committed to digging into the past and ripping it all out; every last memory and getting that brain free to start over; making room for new life… in God I ask for guidance on this and hope and to Trust the process.
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STARTING OVER;
What has happened;
Im basically through if not through or completely through with the past; Ive made it back to the other side again... meaning; Im back out in front again looking forward. What age am I starting at; well; emotional developed; middle grade school years. and way before and after.
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Im looking for one thing; Im looking to develop; something I was not privileged to do at the time in my choldhood. It was the most beautiful of times; maybe the greatest time in America; especially as a child; Nothing was better. And it wasn't. It was a privilege for any or lots of children.. It was the 1960's. And my memories and the beginning of my identity will start; my first societal memories when Im a very very very small child; will be 1966... I still remember things a little before that but not much. What I do remember is all the people and places and media that occurred just before that; that was re ran from earlier 1960's. So; my childhood was literally saturated from the first years of the 196o's. It was tremendous wondrous experience and experiment.
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Unfortunately will have no parents; literally and no develop…
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In the present;
Now; I get a chance under God; to come back as myself.. And start the process of development again. This time; the people and places and things that are needed are supplied by God… Including recovery meetings when I need them.
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The fact is; No parents no original home or friends or school; nothing. No relatives; nothing. Nothing from the past. I will be starting with out any of it. But I do remember it.. and thinking I was going to start developing when I was a small child; but it never happened.
Today Im in a position of learning how to do this ( develop) under Gods sovereignty. Under Gods care in Gods developmental areas; God sanctions for my development. Its actually fantastic; all of this…
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Dealing with Bad people from the past: Altho I complain about what happened while interacting with people like this and others; The truth is only half the truth; They did deceive me; However; I could not grow because of my mental condition or respond; I was undeveloped and that will stop me from possible relationship success or occupational success or participation success. However; Another truth of this aspect; I could not go any further social or emotionally or develop anything into a relationship; I went as far as the maturity of a 9-12 year old and then it stopped; Or maybe even before this… The reason; Developmental trauma disorder. I was much like an 8 year old and thats as far as I could be present; from that day on; suddenly I was inside myself with no more outside connections; meaning My connections did not connect to anything outside anymore… And thus I was becoming very schizophrenic like; closed off; confused.
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The point; Im back. As back as I can be… As I mentioned; the lack of maturity and experience being completely dissociated stopped me from developing when young; and this will be a major reason my life development will stop in all forms in the future. Thus; relationships that will never occur; they will never get off the ground. Including occupations and just about everything else. I will basically flunk out of everything and not be present or able to be part of anything.
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After First Love; I could not go any further with anyone.. I could not function; I was dissociated and could not go any further in life…
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NOTE: The people I new when young; I thought would help me; they abandon me and were never my friends and did not think highly of me; And I never knew this until it was to late; to many years later.
However; Altho that part of myself I back… Heres whats important; I don’t miss any of those people because Ive worked through those losses and don’t need them. I do need; I need new people; new helpers and new groups for help and new sponsors helping me. But I don’t need anyone from the past; Not at all; And because of God and the amount of recovery work Ive done; it is so; And what a huge miracle this is.
One of my main goals is re structuring my thinking with Gods help; and success based cognitive tools; I want the reminiscing of on those of the past to stop; I want it to stop completely; I want it replaced with new experiences and new people. So; Im getting to the point of just about doing anything; any kind of exercise to work on to get them out of my brain.
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TO THE PRESENT:
I have people helping me with this part of my boyhood-manhood ( The undeveloped adolescence stage). So; I have support; the out look is good; it looks like their will be fear facing things Ive never faced before. However; Ive heard this is actually normal for everyone going after something meaningful.
Ive been in Disney land unicorn channel all of my life; in some kind of fantasy island within my imagination. Its like Im coming from another planet with no rules or consequences. Now; as I enter reality; Its much harder; I have limitations and rules I must go by. In my imagination; living in my own fantasy land I can feel anything I want without earning it; without the work. Coming out of Disney land fantasy channel; I have nothing. I havent earned anything yet; and my maturity in the real world does not exist; And I don’t have any experience out here…
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Ive spent most of my life in 12 step meetings and hiding in my apartment under the bed or creating music with my synthesizers or maybe in YouTube crime channel..
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Im waking up; Im improving;
Lately Ive been face to face with people in general walking by me at stores and other places; Im a little better and still dissociative but stronger; Im able to at least face people as they go by; face them a bit; it is unbelievably hard for me and the fear and terror is horrible; Thats the dissociative condition and this is as good as it has ever been. So…
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In the past I did not look at anyone… Today Im learning to look at people and face the terror and overwhelming fear when it hits; At-least I can do this today.
Here I am starting; starting over…
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Moving on from First Love…
REALLY moving on from first love.
And the other section of this problem.
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This problem is a 2 sided problem. The first problem is; Moving on from First Love. This means erasing any remaining intimacy memories. The second problem is; I had no development to move forward with intimacy. Im an adult with no real experience in the adolescence stage. I was thrown away technically at age 9; However; there is very little trace of any development from the first grade on… So; I will be working with others learning how to develop in the adolescence stage under God
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Moving on from First Love; erasing any remaining intimacy memories… What does this mean. I had many many memories of this fake person in a relaxed state coming up to me very physically close as if she was girlfriend material or close friend or intimate confidante; or that she was sweet gentle and friendly. In reality; she was non of these; she was a fake. IT was all staged; everything. So; all those fake memories have to go.
She laughed at my jokes as if she was interested; it was all faked.. She was interested in no one. She was not safe.
In her acting as this role; she appeared to be someone who liked me; liked me like a boyfriend; ALL FAKED. It was all fake; staged. Ive mentioned before; she completely acted out the scenarios; and correctly of someone in soulmate position with me; She was not anyone's soulmate; With me; Im not sure their was any soul. I never saw any; this led me to believe she was a sociopath.. And she was not attracted to me; and this can add in this to make the situation very devious and the staged effect severe.
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The point is; Ive got allot of these fake memories of her coming up close to me. Fake meaning; She was a fake. She had no interest in me; I was a stranger of no interest to her and no attraction; She was getting away with using me and getting off on how long she could get away with it. I meant nothing to her.
She had no problem acting out the role of close friend. She never said she was a friend; so no one could call her on it! No one could say she lied. Because she never said anything about the way she felt for me. She just acted it out. And in the end she turn coated on me; showed her real colors and was gone. And it was all for the fun of it in her eyes.
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Heres the point; It was all fake. And all of those faked memories get in my way in my mind and emotions and nervous system.
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So; that is the work. And Im working with God on it; and I want results so the universe is going to help me finish this off. Im at that point of getting rid of the remaining memories; false memories that trigger me of false loyalty when in reality this monster was 2 faced with no conscious and a complete stranger.
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The point is; I keep working to get rid of these faked memories. I was with no guard up; this person successfully fooled me. I had no idea who this was; that underneath it was a sociopath predator playing me. I did not know. Thus I added positive emotions when this person was close up and I remember those memories; Now I want them Gone. She was not a first love; it was all faked on her side; And I want my mind clear of this sadistic jackal and anyone else like her. I want my emotions back; they are mine and Im asking God to help me get them back; they are mine and I want them back. And Ill get them back one at a time…
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NOTE:
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SECOND SECTION;
New girlfriends; new intimacy. I had no emotional correct development in this area. Thus, I have to start at the beginning of the adolescence stage and relearn or learn for the first time. This time its in Gods sovereign state; under God in Gods care. I go back into Gods care under God and allow God to build me. I am brought back under Gods care. I am allocated by God to training centers where I can rebuild or build my original young life from the ground up… For it never got build in the first place. This will be determined by the universe in Gods Kingdom. God will let me know.
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Im working with others on personal basis for all of this stuff; the changing from the past into the present and relearning how to live as a boy to man… Getting all those experiences I never got. Ill be learning. And it will be scary. Im learning that fear is part of the deal with facing situation with unknown outcomes.
I have support.
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And that is the goal; Im in a new season where the past is not part of this; it is new and I am starting out into the unknown new. …
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