July 2025
June 2025
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Trust is an important issue to me. Means more to me then anything.
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I have a high level trust ethical ability; I'm worth a great deal. I always have been.
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ON with the THE show!
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Ive been working on dialog writing concerning past relationships; specifically my first love; The person I was going to marry! I would have had kids with her; grand kids and a whole life.
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Ive spent much of my time in a state of mental illness working on this; What could God do but finally allow me to get better so I can see things from a clearer light.
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When being a victim of torture and pain; one tends to see only the side of what others have done to me.
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So; I write these dialogs;
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I take a piece of paper or computer; I write my name and I write her name underneath. I write a sentence of what I always wanted to say to her but couldnt. and I have her respond with an "OKE" "OMNICELL".
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Her part is minimal; most of it is about letting out my feelings to her. I imagine we are sitting on a couch together next to each other... I begin to talk to her. I tell her all that I feel about her.
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Next; I tell God to be with us and look after us and be the higher power presence and to do his will not ours... We are in Gods vortex realm when speaking to each other...
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Ive Done a fair amount of this type work and Ive worked through several scenarios; Sometimes Im the victim; other times Im the victimizer... Other times; Im the saint and the sinner and other times she is the innocent castle maiden and at other times she is the evil predator.
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Anyway; regardless; another concept has come up as Ive matured letting out massive amounts of info to her on paper; Another more realistic concept has appeared; and this from the universe; for this is what the universe does best; slip in new plans within my minds...
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So; the truth; THis girl I may have been sent to by God; I dont know; Ill never know; probably; probably not; probably; I loved her from the beginning. I overwhelmed her with love and attention. ANd it took a very short time before she gave herself to me if I wanted her; she wanted me and wanted me as her boyfriend. I knew this was my wife. I never felt so safe or normal or comfortable around anyone ever. I was so happy just being around her.
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Heres the problem; Everything was rolling my way; and then I stopped. I stopped giving her attention; I became angry inside; My mother the psychopath had gotten involved some how and ruined somethings; and I became more trauma bonded and traumatized; so much so; I could not talk anymore I became very trauma sick. So; I wont go into the deeper details but I could not go up to her anymore and I could not go up and talk. I hadnt really been able to talk yet; but now it was completely cut off.
I tried for about 1 1/2 years; but it just never happened; my whole life had collapsed.
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Anyway; God had a requirement of me; To love this young women and tell her about GOd and how GOd loves her as well; because thats where I was getting all the energy and purpose to love her. And I would have easily married her. But stunted from intrusion by others; I ended up leaving her and leaving the area... It never happened and I was destroyed from that day onward. I was already destroyed from many other things. THis took it all over the top.
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I died again because of this... and this time; I went way over the edge of sanity into a new realm of heavy deep mental illness; the kind one is put on social security for; for the remainder of ones life.
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Well; God just help me work through a major part of this... ANd what I found...
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She simply responded to someone that truly loved her and thats all their was. And I lost her because I never followed through; she finally gave up in confusion; wrote me off and moved on!
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Heres the point; after years of sad pain and sorrow; as Ive worked on recovery; the universe continues to show me new ways to cope with things; and dealing with this subject of the past is one of those things.
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Ive been writing dialogs with her in mind; and finally came to an answer; and the answer was simple; The energy from God that loved her showered her every time I saw her; it came through me full blast and knocked her out.. Pure love and she was mine from then on. She never stood a chance... Gods love captured her. And it was then my job to talk to her about GOd and how GOd loved her... But that never happened; and thus I stopped the process..
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So; I stopped Gods purpose. And I will pay for such things with my sanity. FOr I will loose my sanity completely. I do not want to describe this horror show or the self horrible brutal level loathing... Cant describe self torture. Horrible.
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Now; On paper I have and am fulfilling Gods promise to that young women; I am carrying out Gods purpose that he set out for so long ago... I have completed this in a sense. Ive been a good boy and I Ive done the deed God sent me to do... ON paper Ive told her everything and told her about my love for her and all my feelings good n bad and all about GOd and how God loves her.
And this has satisfied GOds purpose..
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THus; I am set free....
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For the first time ever; while riding my bike home from a meeting; I saw something in my mind and heart that startled me.
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First let me say; Im reporting all of this at meetings everyday for a while now...
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FOr the first time ever; I saw something in my imagination; in my mind. I saw a picture of my first love within a frame. Just like someone who see their Aunt or Niece or Nephew in a picture frame on some Grandma's desk...
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I saw a picture of her in a picture frame in the middle of my mind; What does this mean; It means she is now a memory! Thats what it means..
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MY GOd; it stunned me tonight to feel and see that in my head; I Almost fell of my bike.
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Ill continue to write in dialog form with her and God. And Ill keep it up until more pain is gone and I've written about every corner of that closet I can get my hands on; However, at some point I believe it will all slow down and I will be finished with it. I think I will still feel a bit a pain and remorse n all but Now;
I believe I can move forward in relationships; I can attempt to move into rehabilitation mode concerning relationships.
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First thing I will do; and Ill do it tonight is; meditations. And then Ill allow those thoughts to just seep in from the universe on what direction to go. I listen through feelings and just sit and let the universe bring things to me and the right directions for my purpose places people and things.
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So; things are moving forward. Ya know; we will see where Im at in a month...
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Im constantly moving forward.
Our partner
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