July 2025
June 2025
No more Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde..
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My new definition; Im now ; Dissociated mental health person/Middle class person... This is where Im going or all ready becoming. Meaning; my new definition is troubled person to middle class person; Not Dr Jekyll from Mr Hyde. Im now able to be both these people; Not the broken person wishing someday I might be able to become a middle class person. Im showing signs of becoming a middle class person more n more.
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I went to a meeting; I then went down town; in my small town... I saw the middle class people; I saw them go by; walk the down town streets. I was very close to jumping in and becoming one of them. I haven't felt that free sense 8 years old. No walls; I mean; ya; deeper emotional walls; part of me is still in my broken childhood and not the present.
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I got out of a meeting with a group of drunks. I tried to explain; " You can call yourselves what ever you want" "me" " Im a dual diagnosed person through mental health" " Im using all means in this town as a giant recovery center"; and Ive been doing this for years. My definition is Dual Diagnosed person. Others are CO-dependent; Drug addicts; Drunks; Alcoholics... Gamblers. I have my mental health diagnosis; thats fine for me. The issue afters years of work. Many people take on the Title of the group they attend. I dont. I certainly have the same problems as those in those groups but not the same extent. Trauma is my biggest disease; Im not suggesting alcohol and drugs were not a dangerous scale for a while; at certain times they were; but in both case; they died down; And that was a GOd thing. My potential was high and threatening for these addictions; but they never manifested... THe rug was pulled out on both of them abruptly. It just wasnt meant to be... DOesnt mean I dont have scars from both rituals; I remember my drug use; I remember the secondary alcohol use period and the bars and horrible flop house I lived in... I dont even want to remember..... A change of events occured and all things came to an end and I found myself in the basement of churches in the12 step recovery process; not using anything and trying to keep myself alive from committing suicide. Around that time period I had stopped drinking...
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Everyone I meet in the recovery process; they'r what ever the title of the 12 step group; Me; Im nun--of them. Im a dual diagnosed. Its through mental health; not some 12 step meetings.
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I didnt drink enough to be a full blown-drunk; that doesnt mean I wasnt drinking alcoholically at the end. ; But at some point I couldnt stop drinking; but very quickly I ended up in the nut house for PTSD problems; and then someone introduced me to my first 12 step meeting. ANd the rest is history. Didnt use enough drugs to be a real committed drug addict; but I got fairly close to some form of disaster when in high school using drugs.. I hurt my brain and I was on a run for about a year; it escalated. After the drug overdoes( In to the hospitals) and bad trips; I couldn't take anymore and slowed way down and finally just stopped. I had no more interest in rupturing my broken mind; it was already ruptured and dissociative. I seriously couldnt use anymore because my brain was hurt. Didnt want to; Several years and Ill pick up alcohol and start with that until that explodes and starts looking alcoholic... But then it didnt last all that long; it was cut short because mental illness got me into the nut house And the rest is history; Dual diagnosed.
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Im dual diagnosed... they go hand n hand; addictions and trauma; Some of us are more trauma based then addiction based; thats me... However; I did have my go around with drugs and alcohol; Its almost like a preliminary to the preliminary. I got a pre addiction experience before the addiction experience; it was GOd showing me my future if I continued down this path. I had the opportunity to get off that train and so I did... And things happened that abruptly stopped me on both type of addiction fronts; alcohol and drugs... altho Ive been taught that alcohol is a drug. I never felt anything for drugs or alcohol. I just wanted to die and I wanted to escape.... However, after a certain amount of time; the drugs exploded; and later in my middle and later 20's the alcohol took over and I couldnt stop; It was looking alcoholic. BOth potentials; but those wheat fires were smashed and that was the end of that!
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I was taught in the 12 step groups; educated to stop using and get a new way of life; and thats exactly what I did and what Im doing. It wasnt all that hard to stop... at that point; it was more about education then feelings addicted at that point. I just didnt know better...
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But I dont fit in there. I dont fit in to alcoholic 12 step groups; not quite; and I dont if into drug anonymous meetings; I dont always have the same values... I have several different personalities with several different sets of values and cultural morals n such. But in the meetings are psychopaths and sociopaths that are sadistic to children and authentic psychopathic stalkers at times... and such and criminals.. murder'rs and such. I dont fit into any of that. I have been psychopathically insane wanting to blow up the country... But I have a conscious... When I was completely mentally ill I was extremely dangerous; especially with the high levels of PTSD CPTSD and Dissociation... and I do not care if I die; Im very patholocial about it... Life and death for me are simply an on off switch with changing colors... Im very pathological about death... THis makes me dangerous and completely deranged during that time. But I still had a conscious.
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I dont do well around monsters with no conscious and Ive met allot of them in these recovery rooms; I dont like them because of the way they treat children. I had a rule about the rooms; for me to survive their I could not get involved. I didnt go nark people off to the authorities; I basically stayed out of it; I didnt cause any problems in the rooms. I layed low... And I went passive most of the time so I could come back the next day... It worked but I had to see allot of things I didnt like and do nothing about it; just pray someone else would... especially dealing with Drug addicts and their children. The hardened rooms of drug addicts; The one drug addict didnt care if they watched another drug addict was abuse they'r own children ; they figured the parents were just hardening the kid up for human survival; turning'm into a sociopath was a good thing. For a middle class person; seeing this; this would be war. Watching adults turn children into psychopaths is enough for that parents death sentence by my choice at that moment; But I would do nothing... I did not get involved; many times I had to bite the bullet and just sit their and pray for the kid... Because I had to come back the next meeting and the next day. I worked with God; I have to be a silent witness because my recovery came first or I would never make it.
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SO...
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More PTSD groups; thats what I need; but everyone wishes for that; who suffers from trauma; that is a trauma based in recovery... I have to use everything thats around me; thats available to me.
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SO; Ill go to a meeting with a group of drunks and fit in and make a chance to say what I want to say. While at the same time expressing and practicing Exposure therapy... and Ill be the better for it!
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No More Dr Jekyll Nr Hyde...
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Im a Truama Person/middle class person...
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Anyway...
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