July 2025
June 2025
This may not be that long; its about a specific concept;
.
Im writing to a specific girl of my past on paper; Im not sending a letter; Im directed by God to write a dialog as if Im sitting down with her having a conversation; the idea is to open up to her about my feelings; open up the way I always wanted to open up to her.,
.
Im writing dialog between her and me as if Ive called her on the phone; asked to visit her; go up to her house; and then we sit down on a couch or chairs outside or steps out by the front lawn and I start talking ; the subject is about my feelings about things; how I feel about her; how I felt about her. I write about my dysfunctions of problems being in life; or attempting to be in her life; that was the goal. To share about my inner feelings or her...
.
So; First subject.
.
Because of trauma; I cant go into neighborhoods or houses or have relationships with people where Im associating with them on a daily basis. Meaning; the common concept that in a relationship; I have to show up on a daily basis; I cant do this; I avoid; its a phobia; How am I going to have a relationship with someone I ignore... Because thats what happened. I ignored her on all fronts...I disappeared all the time.
\.
I never realized it but I got close to her at first and then disappeared like I didn't like her., But I did like her. That is the point. I branched of from her and never talked to her anymore; I took my focus else where; ( This is crazy)( This is insane).... I dropped a relationship I wanted to be in and I created to be in. I split off dissociatively from myself.
.
NOTE: Is it possible to sit with her and tell her what happened.. that I split off from her and did not want to... My emotions disappeared.
.
Now; realizing; My God; I cant have a relationship with someone because of trauma. I experienced to much trauma and AVPD: avoided... I went through to much trauma and cant get involved with people at a personal level; And that's exactly what I did. I avoided who I wanted; for no foreseeable reason. I left; Did I ask how she felt after doing this to her? Did she care!
.
Dissociative problems... Dissociative Disorder...
.
NOTE: THe goal would be to share my real feelings with her on a daily basis making her someone to be accountable to ; I tell her everything about what is going on with my dissociative problems and ask her to help me. The goal would be; show up around her everyday and tell her how I truly feel; do this for 30 days... Learning to be in the relationship on a daily basis; active in this relationship constantly. Active for 30 days with her help; getting me back in the game. Could I do this in the face of real terror and trauma and PTSD; I dont know; maybe; if I had asked for her help. Would she have helped me? I dont know; but the chance taking of asking is what Im looking at; the gutts to do that; thats what Im looking at... taking chances to ask for support taking chances.
.
So; first problem is; I cant stay consistent physically in a relationship; I began to not show up; I branch off into another life as if I never met the person. But after a while; a few weeks; I show up again. But then avoid again.. over n over n over. I dont realize what Im doing; and I never ask the question; what is wrong with this picture; Do I want a relationship with this person or not; why am I flaking out and dropping out all the time; I like the person; what is going on here?
.
Talking to God about this; God put me in this girls life so I would go up to her house everyday and stay out of trouble. I would spend my free off time with her at her house everyday... But that never happened; but it was suppose to happen. I pulled away and branched off; but I didnt want to. But I never talked to her about that; I was never accountable to anyone; and their lies some of the problem. I have to pray to God for this type of support.
.
I have to figure out why I didnt stay with her. Secretly deep down; thats what I wanted; to be with her. I wanted to be with her; why did my body and mind betray me and suddenly forget all about her; and I started another life.
NOTE: Why cant I just tell her how I feel or just make her my girlfriend at the time. Why not; what will have to change within me for this to happen; to feel independent and free and safe and take chances with her; telling her who I really am and asking for help.
.
So; there it is; a kind of AVPD; actually its a massive avoidance dissociative disorder.
.
2. I hadn't told her how I felt about her... Why? I never told her why I didnt tell her how I felt; I did not show her any physical toward her that I liked her or spiritual or emotional. And I realized I avoided her; or that part of any emotions or conversations about emotions or relationships I avoided; I never showed any part of me.. Nothing. The problem is; I was triggered; I imagine projecting from my Mother and Father; I saw her as the same.. She was not safe; she was one of them; the victimizer.
.
NOTE: I was crazy because I was not getting into a relationship with her when it was actually offered to me a zillion times and I stayed out of a relationship with her but still visited her sporadically. I guess I was asking for help; in my own way; but as I remember; their was no way she could help me; I mean; I was involving my life into her life to help her; not the other way around. If I could have connected or hooked up with her; I could not hook up with her unless I opened up my mouth and started talking; telling her who I am.
.
Now; on paper; Im creating a concept that Im holding her hands and praying with her; asking God to help her. Asking God for help for us; our relationship; Gods plans for us. Meaning my ability to show up and talk about everything; praying for her for Gods plans for her.
.
In my writing; I ask to see her everyday.. Ill do this 30 times as if Im seeing her everyday in a row for 30 days. And we sit and we talk.. And I talk to her the ( writing in dialog form) the way I always wanted to talk to her. And I realize the impossible ability to tell her how I feel or that Im scared to tell her how I feel. That I have to show up and would she help. I have to ask for help. I have to tell her the real truth about who I am and if she wants to help.
.
3. Im never asking her out. Im not planning anything for us to do... Im devoid as if Im not in a relationship with her. But I want to be in a relationship with her. Shes already offered herself to me to be in a relationship; I clam up or dissociate when she hints at being in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship with her but Im silent. Im waiting for something; something she cant give me; I need years of development. I must get out of there and go somewhere else for that development; but if I do that I lose her and I dont want to lose her...
.
NOTE: Here lies the problem; I dont want to lose her; what do I do? I would have to sit her down and tell her all this stuff and tell her I dont want to lose her; I DONT WANT TO LOSE HER: That is what I would have said to her... The ability to tell her I DONT WANT TO LOSE YOU! Thats what was missing. I could not tell someone how I felt.
.
Its like Im completely shut off. I mean; Im completely dissociated around people; like having a wall up around someone I like; and I purposely avoid them when I like them. Its all backwards... I run and Im safe; and I ended up with nothing.
.
NOTE: Im tired of ending up with nothing! Thats why Im doing something about it!
.
NOTE: Did I or do I really need this girl in my life; Ill keep writing dialogs concerning her; but did I really need her or was I desperate for relationship; desperate for anyone; anything! Once she realized my position of desperation she tried to destroy me; that seems closer to the truth. I did mean nothing to her; that makes perfect sense. I was being used; I was just some stranger that showed up to talk or what ever a few times; I didnt do much else. She moved on... What is it about her that I need so much; its the same for the 12 step meetings; what is it that I need so much; its because I have no internal foundation created to go out into the real world and make things happen; However, thats about to change... A process is silently being developed; been going on for a while now!
NOTE: However, I mentioned that I liked her and I wanted a relationship with her; and that I would miss her for ever! And for that reason; I have to learn to stick to my guns and attempt to talk to her in order to develop a relationship.
NOTE: I say I wanted her; but I dont talk to her to establish a relationship?
.
Ill keep working with God on the girl until my guilt is gone and I no longer need to remember her... For she is no different then the others; she turned out the same way; Worthless... meaning stuck-up and arrogant and Godless.... Lawless.... I dont need that in my life; and God will take me to better rivers of green hay and combines...
.
NOTE: Why did I need to be around Lawless people; was that the best I could do; couldn't I do any better? SHe was not safe; but thats where God led me?
.
So; Im learning about character flaws and mental health issues.
.
I could not be responsible for my behavior at the time; but a lack of responding was the problem.
.
The quickest thing I can do is learn to respond before I meet someone I like ( before I meet someone new; all of these problems with responding with communication; all of this must be worked out).
.
The best thing is to get help learning how to respond to people; and start writing about old relationships and finding out where the dysfunctions are and what they are about...
.
My goal is to start working on correcting the behavior of my problems.
.
SO; I pray for the right people to show up I can practice on... helpers and mentors and teachers and sponsors and such... people that really want to be in my life and show up to help me gain success. People that want me to gain success.. Those are the people Ill ask God to bring into my life; no other.
.
I found that the ability to socially show up and lead was gone. To call someone up I like; meet them; sit down with them; tell them how I feel about them on a daily basis; was gone... Its like I regressed back to a 6 year old.
.
I could no longer trust anything or anyone or myself. I trusted myself but what good would it do when dealing with these people in this society. THats how I felt. Now I see things differently. I see God bringing me the right people.
.
So; Ill be practicing... Thats the first priority. Practicing with the right people; Ill define those people and ask God to bring them round.
.
Ill keep writing dialogs with others from my past working out those old relationships on paper...
..
WHAT IM FINDING:
.
I will pray to God for real and better relationships... real people; better quality people; People that are safe...
.
.
Foundations;
Ive been at the recovery process for a while; a few days; a minute.
.
The goal for the last several years has been to create a foundation; a foundation to the outside world.
.
Imagine from childhood expectations, dreams, desires; from this to self actualization as an adult.
.
And I may have stumbled across a system that works... Im starting to look for results...
.
The idea is; with the foundation Im creating with Gods help; this sets me up as a solid child and child to adult concept; a road that leads from childhood to adult dreams... to a successful transition from childhood to adulthood.
.
Or success is creating the strong standing healthy safe feeling inner child to a safe strong bridged road that leads and is connected to the beginning of the adult years over 18 years of age...
.
.
AT THE MEETING:
I was at a meeting yesterday tolerating it; and suddenly; after realizing I felt ostracized; I realized I no longer had to be their... I didnt need to be at the meetings... I had built a foundation. God and I had built a foundation; a foundation to apply to the outside world.
.
NOTE; The foundation must get stronger; to many indiscriminate gaps. These gaps have to be filled in; but filled in with what?
.
Their are gaps from me to the starting gate of the development-foundation. Hmmm? Ill have to pray about this one. I dont know.
.
Its like being lonely and weak and a developmental process sits 50 feet in front of me. OKE?... What process is needed to strengthen the frequency of that development; To close the Gap from where Im at to the the developmental foundation Im looking for.
.
Ill have to write this one up.
.
Ill keep working on writing up dialogs with people of the past... As if we are sitting together and chatting or discussing our relationship.
.
Ill keep praying for what is needed.
.
The 12 step system acted as a pseudo family for years. The goal is to create a foundation so I can walk out of the 12 step meetings and back to life; creating a new life out in the real world again; and thus getting my needs met in the real world; not the 12 step meetings anymore; Making the transition. Ill pray about it!
.
.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], Yahoo [Bot]
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Relationships and work issues #5
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 2.983s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 2.78
Time : 2.983s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 2.78