July 2025
June 2025
Relationships and work; #28
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THis might be the most important experience since joining this site in 2011. I originally joined this site in 2011 to bleed out all my feelings and desires and goals and grief and frustrations and rage at the earth; at the people; at the machine at the Gods of this planet and beyond; FOr all the horror Ive seen and experienced.
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Im left with Death Fear; a specific condition know only by those re exposed to death trauma over n over n over; War vets certainly know this; Im guessing; or assuming. Youd have to talk to them about it to know. But of course they are the leaders of such experiences. Civilians in war know this; those being destroyed and victimized along with the physical cities they are being attacked within.
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Those taken hostage and those in hostile abusive systems they cant escape like prison camps or sick family systems.
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My main goal joining this site was to finally some how reconnect with society. This could only occur if I got over the past and massive symptoms of trauma based mental illness.
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Symptoms that have stopped me in the past are still present but pathways coming from the universe are seeing me into different perspectives of living.
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Lately; massive changes are occuring; meaning; everyday something new is sending me forward. For social; its started out as slivers of strange new authenticity; I began to see the new me appear. I began to see the changes... they just show'd up..
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Yesterday Was the most important experience of my accumulated recovery...
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Yesterday by choice a few things happened.
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First at a meeting; a women I know; was sitting across from me.
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So; I saw her glancing at me. I thought for a moment. She was off guard; I caught her looking at me with sadness. So; I got up walked over to her; put my arms out big and wide and told her to get up and give me a hug.. And she did and then she sat down. I know her so all is well!
Please remember; I have social problems right? I felt purdy solid doing this! half my recovery work is rapped up in how spontaneous I walked over to this women stood in front of her and offered her a hug. This is a huge sign. However, its not the biggest sign. It wasnt forced; I was well away from her.. She knows me... it had more to do with timing...
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NEXT;
I prayed about it. I tried talking in the meeting about the women that wanted to marry me. That gave me the opportunity and I through it away because of my immaturity; but I just couldn't talk about it right now openly; it was 2 much.
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I thought; Hmmm? WHy not pick a women and sit her down and talk about it? Let me tell you people reading this; ALl 10 of you; TO be able to just pick a women and walk over and ask for what i want and sit down with her strait across from me and talk to her about my stuff and be half way normal about it; start the conversation; bring up the topics and talk about them; be cordial; and end the conversation correctly; THis would be all that Ive working toward for years and years; why? Because this ability represents the heart of society; of social ability; of connectiveness. If I could pull this off; Im back in the game. (Pause): I Pulled it off!!!!!!!! ITs allot more then just feeling good or decent about myself; its like feeling normal good or decent good if that makes any sense; its like being back to normal kind of. but still have trauma problems.
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Will this women I talked with; what will she say tomorrow about me; Maybe she will look at me like she got used and is suspicious. Maybe. Maybe she really doesnt get it; Maybe Ill never see her again or she will never talk to me again; THis is about the universe setting things up for the moment.
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I thought about three women. I thought about it; I could look like a fool; I walked over to one of them; I stopped and I stopped her; She's not an easy girl to play; her Piano top is usually locked tight unless she likes you! However; I had a good rapport with her; a distant kind of rapport. I stopped her and ASKED HER if she would talk with me. She Said OK. First she offered me some onion rings; I said yes. And that's when I decided to ask her if she would sit down with me. She said yes; she would give me a minute; and said OK. ANd then I began to kind of suggest I needed a therapist for a moment and she would be my therapist.
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I began to tell her how my immaturity destroyed my past possible marriages to women!
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I want to say something here about success. I picked a women to talk to that was not easy; I mean; this isnt the kind of women you just pick to talk to; you have to have some confidence or something; but the result was phenomenal.
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As I told her my dilemma she would strait talk me with clear phrases of her opinions; and they were great and simple truths that I would not have heard if I had never asked someone. SO she said. " You did want someone knowing anything about you because they would discover the real you and you would be rejected.. I said yes! But its the way she put it; Ive heard this 110000000 times before...
SHe related completely.
And then she said; " Its easier for you to not get into a relationship because your afraid if she knew what you were like you might be or surely would be rejected; So you took the easy road!
ANd Im like; damn. I took the easy road; Thats the problems!
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THe other aspects of the conversation; right from the start as we sat down I explained there were things about her that I liked; " I like you because of this" " THis is what I like about you" " your special; thats why we are talking"; that kind of thing; and I found myself telling her I liked and she told me she liked me to...
So; here we are confessing our feelings to each other about each other... ANd here I am confessing the truth about my miserable relationship non life! and Im opening it up; vulnerability.
SO; this went on for an intense 7 minutes maybe; Maybe more or less; I dont know; But it ended perfectly and we both Got up and kind of went our own ways. It reminded me so much of like 1st and second grade in a positive sense. Or after school or summer classes of fun.... or saturday morning class in the park for kids or something; but we are adults.. well; it didnt seem that way.
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Will this women trust me respect me like me tomorrow; maybe not; Maybe she doesnt care... THis is how the universe does thing. THe universe made things work out! I got the experience I need.
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Im trying to make a point. I only dreamed of being able to social do this...
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I want to say something else; Ive still got my problems and sexual problems; Porn... and AVPD and PTSD and CPTSD and Dissociative disorder and phobias and.... everything else that is wrong; Agoraphobia; allot of the time; its milder these days...
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HEre the point; if I can pull this off; find a women I like and want to talk to; pick her; walk up; ask for what I want; sit down with her; confess my feelings toward her and then go into vulnerable conversation; If I can do this; whats stopping me from having a girlfriend or when GOd is ready; a wife'; NOTHING! I mean Ill practice this stuff; but I think the reader can understand that Im showing I can be present for all the hard work; socially speaking...
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This takes me right back to my childhood and Im having success... This means Im getting my life back... God and I are re creating my life and it looks like its getting re created.
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long term PTSD and Dissociative made it impossible to get close to people physically; From harassment and being raped and molested and sexually harassed when young and bullied and thrown away and many other horrors; (pause); Im finally starting to dissociate as I write; so; Ill take a break!
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