July 2025
June 2025
NOTE: I want to say; working with relationship expansion in this go around has been real intense deep work and brutal and real; this is now real work that is happening and results of some kind are showing up...
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I mentioned at the beginning of this serious... The Goal is to experience a the real an authentic expansion work and relationship goals; Real tangibility; Something I could report in on; suggesting; this time; I found gold; and I can prove it; work and relationship gold. Im moving forward and its measurable.
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The goal; I was feeling the presence of many changes; The last saw me experiencing many paradigm shifts. In fact; with my eyes open. Ive experienced paradigm expansion in real time right in front of me. I watched and felt myself morph or a metamorphosis of growth. It was the same unusual and uncomfortable feeling of being in an earthquake. My eyes clutching to any solid figure I can find.. as the floor began to wave. I remember once attempting to surf; I was very young; it was very hard just to get on the surfboard. I took it out to the waves and tried to get on while on a wave; impossible. I tried all day. It would take more time; I remember the waves. In an earthquake I remember the waves; they were similar; the whole house was rocking like a boat on the ocean and the floor was receiving these like 2-4 foot waves that would hit it; you could almost surf them; it all lasted for a few minutes; the whole house and lights and such; all being bounced around like a boat on the ocean; that uncomfortable state; That's what it was like going to a paradigm shift with ones eyes open in real time; I began to expand; as if the universe was expanding within me. I remember; I felt like a tree growing; suddenly stretching in outgrowth upward and outward and downward with branches moving out a several feet and roots moving in through the soil several feet and then it quickly slowed down and finally stopped and I was more of this new person. Very interesting experience...
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My goal in this series has to do with relationships and work.
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RELATIONSHIPS;
I had no idea how it was going to start; but it did; it started and I remember the real experience of it starting; not to many moons; a month ago at a campout with a friend at the coast; at his folks retreat area. I took off on my bike; I ended up going past the lake under the overpass of the freeway to the main city of our state; It was maybe 30 minutes away( the big city)... I wasnt headed to the big city; just going across the train tracks down that long country road; I kept riding; Looking to the right and left of me; I began to see giant groomed rolling courses of green fresh cut grass; with a gleam from professional mowers tucked away by expensive expansive fenced wood work. What does this mean; I found myself in the bi ways of the upper middle class wealth on the outskirts of city life... These folks had be front lawn porches if you know what I mean; I mean this was not typical money. These folks had some consistent cash shooting in; someone had a rich gramma who just passed away... those were some big front lawns; almost looked like farms, so much green land.
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I was rolling slowly on my bike; steady eddy! I looked around and it was cool; all that open landscape. I began to ask God; Why is life like this; when will it be my turn to have a life. I haven't got that much time left. What's the point of all this. Why all this? What was the point? Are you going to finally help? I look around and see all this prosperity as I role past it on my bike.
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A voice came to me; THe universe said; "I cant control others they have free choice; I will help you start over". That was the answer I got... This was all the answer I was looking for; it was a start. It was a confession; it was real; as real as it gets..
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Im already home; its been a few days since the campout and things are different. I got messages from the universe to start writing the names of those past people that hurt; put them on paper and start dialoging with them as if I was in conversation with them; so I did; been doing it ever since; now I got all kinds a names on paper and Im talking to them and their talking to me. Im starting to gain experience talking to them. WHere I was once blocked from them; Im now talking to them.
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And where will this go; I started talking about what Ive been writing; all the dialoging; started talking about it at meetings; and who was at meetings; lots of women and new young women at the tables And some male thugs and others. And new people....
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Why is all this important who is sitting at the table; FEAR; Im working on Exposure therapy. I take what the universe has given me and I share it that next day at the tables of recovery; if I continue to do so; to report in what I found out about myself in the jungle the day before and the solution to its problem; the universe will continue to expand-me...
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So; where is all this going;
I started talking about what I found-out writing and dialoging; I began to report it to these people at these tables; Those new people; they kind of looked at me Like a crazy Omnicell. One must remember; when I report this stuff it makes me look needy and unattractive and crazy; like a lunatic. However; It also helps every one of those people to expand their way of thinking... And that is what God wants...
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Its not easy sitting down with a bunch of attractive young women and completely destroying my reputation with them as I look like a weirdo trying to describe relationship problems and how I talk to people on paper... It doesnt give me a lot of relational market value. My numbers go way down; but the universe likes me! Smile! Unfortunately many of those young women may never like me again. Once Im written off....... Im written off....
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WHERE AM I NOW;
FIrst; let me say that every creep and his mother are showing up around me; including the creep inside those I thought were friends of mine; their everywhere... I also noticed certain people taking a liking to me... Maybe; maybe they always have; but heres the deal; ya never know until you ask! and I mean that kitties. Nothing is real until the other person spouts out the truth... A Kiss isnt a Kiss until they Kiss you back! Dont forget that Gramma's....
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After pouring my guts out on those tables and freaking out many people; nothing new; suddenly things are happening. Now; after a month of dialoging on paper; well; more like 3 weeks; well; more like a month; things are happening; Im learning a great deal about what I would have said to people if they were still around. And Im learning about how run off from people and AVOID everything and everyone. And Im learning how to ask for help from people; " please don't abandon me" "dont leave me". Im learning that I never showed up; I left and would come back a month later. I did this so many times; people left me. I would never communicate with them; I realized because I was so mentally ill and in survival mode all the time; I realized I was ashamed and put myself down because I flunked out of school from the day I was born; Never did or could apply myself; felt totally dumb and stupid and o so slow to learn.. Felt no one would want a loser like me around... Why would they want a relationship with someone like me. God help me if the person Im interested in has upper middle class culture and money; Im sunk. Ill be laughed at from the start; Ill show up; Ill be turned around and asked to leave in the same hour; told to go find my level of people; and that it wouldn't be with the winners or those with successful lives; I wouldn't be wanted by those with successful lives. Thats how everything felt to me. And this is what I told myself on a daily basis; and I would talk myself out of having relationships with everyone... I wasnt going through the humiliation of being put down by someone lesser then me just because their parents had money and they had the privilege to feel safe while they were going to school.
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RELATIONSHIPS: WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING?
So; onto round 2 of relationships;
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What has happened; big thing has happened. Im starting to open up to people socially. Im beginning to have confidence again and open up to people; saying hi; talking to strangers. ALso; learning to leave sociopaths and idiots alone and move way away and beyond them. Im not interested in getting their attention.
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STARTING CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE> So it begins........................
Im learning right now how to start conversations with people!
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The reality of it all;
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I am starting to create conversations with people. Its just starting; a sliver of simple freedom; its beginning and its solid.
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However, the reality; the people Im starting conversations with are not the greatest people; they are ego centric; rude; narcissistic; liars; arrogant, manipulators. THey categorize me; may see me of little importance and some will not value me at all; and many will think they are superior... .
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Its a hard group to talk to if Im expecting anything; but one thing is happening; Im learning to hang in their and get conversations out of them; However, one has to prepare themselves for the Bomb drops... kind of like evil Candy Drops; or Lemon drops; SMILE!
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When talking to someone; they might through out a Gas lighting Judgment that renders me smashed through the heart and useless. I may be talking to a narcissist... Ill find out. Ive tried working with people only to have them smile while they cut me down... So; thats the kind of people Im starting conversations with; those around me.
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THE GOOD NEWS:
Today its about practice because Im going well beyond all these people today! THey dont know it; because they dont really know me and when I move on they will not have a clue and they will not care and probably not remember... And its all great!
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THE SKILL OF CONVERSATION IS RETURNING TO ME: A SIGN OF HEALTH: A SIGN OF THE MIDDLE CLASS>
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Im already tell; Im getting my middle class cultural voice back; Now; when I gain more practice; a natural progression; Ill slowly move away from the toxic people Ive been conversating with and slowly; one by one; start adding real middle class people back into the conversation mix.
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Im not treated well. Im dealing with toxic people. ANd thats what happens when one associates with the fringes of society. But as I get stronger in conversation; hopefully Ill attract better people; more decent crowd of people and start moving outward into the world.
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THe most important aspect of this; THe real movement in conversation; this is what i had when very young; the ability to roam and talk to anyone and I kind of felt safe doing so. It was empowering...
As an older child; teen young adult and adult; I lost that voice; or any personal power; Ive been a person with no power out in society.... And so; the universe is showing me ways to slowly climb back into society again. Ill keep working with the universe.
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WORK; Work concerns and interests; ( What I consider work); have broken through. I broke through awhile ago. Mainly work concerning playing the piano or practicing the piano in ways that improve my piano playing; use of scales and arpeggios and things... practice; just like a classical performer practices. In addition to that; writing music to be performed; DOING THAT: Been at it! Broke through at a beginning structural point. What Im writing is not easy and will take time to harness and tame noise into something constructive to play in front of others.
Ill do this for a while and see where it takes me hopefully to performance; and that will be the next Level.
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ART just took a sudden change for the better. I was at a mens meeting yesterday and I glanced at the wall; a painting; and suddenly I was in love; in love with paintings; I could critique paintings all day long... I could critique art work all day long and never get tired of it ever! pure love. And this is a sign from the universe about direction and to see me develop it... not that this kind of thing has not been present before; but the fact Im so open to it now; its much stronger. Its like Im surrendering to it; Im ready to do if I get money or not. Its something I authentically like to do.
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INTELLECTUAL APPEARING:
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THe Intellectual in me is starting to appear in the way I talk to others; I mean; its starting to come out and Im starting to sound witty and intelligent and educated expressive and with confidence; its about frequency; my frequency is starting to rise within me and its showing up when I talk to others; Im not so inclined to play the subordinate roll around others anymore; I want to express myself and my opinions in that very creative special way; We will see; Ill work with the universe on it!
Our partner
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