July 2025
June 2025
become a hobo; a bum; loser; drifter. I gave up long before this. I gave up at the age of 9 and probably at 6 when I realized no one was going to help me with my dreams; I had been kind of thrown away at that point when I started school; They liked me as a small child; but when it came time to take care of a child; they were not present anymore at all; I was left to try to figure everything out; I ended up at 5 years old; roaming the neighborhood making friends. By 5-6 years old I was at friends houses all the time. I tried. I tried to make things work...
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Later; after one colamnity after the other; I finally started to recede; I had one safety net after the other pulled from me and one society anchoring point after the other pulled from me until their was no safety; And this is how the psychopath operates to destroy people; its how they get off... Thats why they are put in jail for life or receive the death penalty or get shot n killed.
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Unfortunately I was torn and destroyed by such criminals...
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Heres the point; At a very young age I began dropping out on things because of the neglect abuse. When new problems occured; I would drop out some more; with more trauma bonding and fear and abuse; I dropped out of more n more into survival mode. Soon I had nothing else but survival mode and dissociation and PTSD> ANd then at some point all anchor points of safety were stripped and I was at the hands of whom ever was in charge. I had no personal power; nothing; all of this was done on purpose.
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At some point I began to recede into my own mental illness and finally drugs; at age 12-13. At 134 real bulling begins; no one cares about me or what happens to me; Im now in a rough neighborhood with no mother or father...
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SO; things will get worse. Schooling is over with. Im to traumatized to be part of anything. All interests have dropped off; all outside experiences drop off; things dealing with schooling or life; all of this; what brought all of this on; is done on purpose by those in charge.
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By the time Im 14; Im almost schizophrenic; socially speaking; my mind has withdrawn to a point of not functioning in reality anymore...
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My mind is so weakened...
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Im not able to sustain reality. At this point no one wants me. THe friends I had when at 5-8 years old are no longer my friends; I never knew. THey were using me for baby sisting their kids; by having me around it allowed some of their children to be socialized; other then this; the parents never wanted me around in the first place and made me out to be trash or filth; basically simply because I showed up at their house. THeir sons who I hung with also told their parents I was an F student; stupid and white trash... Something I did not know. I was not white trash or anything else. I was simply myself and nothing else; innocent is what I was! I had no labels. I would say these people were cowardice; but the reality was simple; they did not want me around. THey never wanted me anywhere near them in the first place.
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SO; at about the age of 14 I have to move again; bullying and sexual abuse; I have to move from where Im at. What I dont realize is; no one cares. I end up in a new city on the coast. From this place Im going to meet the GIrl UP the Street; my first Love.
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The best way to describe what I want to talk about today in this blog is; I lost the ability to care about anything anymore or fight for anything.
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When one does not care anymore; one is not going to work at anything anywhere; not really; maybe simply for the money; maybe; maybe not; some just go away and live on the streets.
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ANother problem is; someone I might love at first; I just give up and go away I dont fight for anything or anyone; to keep anyone... And finally because I dont fight to keep anyone; I loose them I lost everything else; why should I think I can keep anything.
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THE GIRL UP THE STREET:
What I learned about her. I could not keep someone that didnt want me. I could not keep someone that I wasnt willing to fight to keep. I was passively repressed. I didnt care about keeping anything for any reason.
SO; a girl that I liked; I just gave up and never fought to keep her altho I did like her. I never fought for you. I got to fight to keep what I want or the person wont care who sits in front of me waiting for me.
Ones got to sweep a women off her feet and keep doing it or she will meander away into another mands arms some day... !
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I loved someone but never cared enough to jump in join her and protect her and fight for her and love her; make her mine! I lost that. And that thing; that excitement to be; to be alive; when that leaves; the streets are the only thing left that or overdosing; maybe a gunshot....
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THE POINT:
I want to fight for what I want to keep. I have to or Ill lose it... A person that is alive will fight; fight to show up around what I love; fight to talk to what I love; fight to keep what I love; fight to want to spend time with what I love; fight fight fight fight fight fight fight.
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As some of us know; Mental illness and fatigue associated with it; destroy the ability to care anymore or fight. And thats what happened to me; a combination of beginning addictions like drug use... weakened mind through trauma. Becoming alienated by society after sexual abuse. Wanting to kill everything in site because of it..
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Being taken advantage of so many times with no protection; left me wordless and speechless and without anymore respect or trust for any form of society... Even the criminals had more rights then I did.
I could not speak anymore because of living in this society.
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I could not function or do anything anymore; I learned to do absolutely nothing but stay definent.
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At some point I meet someone I want to be friends with that has meaning in my life but I cannot communicate anything; and finally the person is gone. It makes me mad but the reality is; they tried; I did not show any trying; I clamped down hard and would not move; finally they just kind of wrote me off as a fool and moved on.
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I remember liking people; but not furthering the possibility of the relationship; instead I went out with other people had other experience's with women; atleast 5-6. WHY? Because I was mad! Insane.
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I only wanted this one person but I didnt fallow through; and I had to find a scapegoat so I used her as the scapegoat because I had no character but also because I was suffering severe mental illness from trauma.
THe point of this blog is. If I would have had a way of fighting and showing up for the person the whole time; I would have stayed with her.
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In fact if I could really want to live my life in all areas; I would show up for everything I want in my life; that is the goal.
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Dropping out was necessary and the only thing I could do when young but it ended up bringing me to a level of bankruptcy in all areas of life. I was down n out; broken hearted in all areas of life.
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SO; Im learning that manipulating others to feel sorry for me or to rescue me did not work... I just didn't.
What I need; I needed mantel heath and several good chosen friends.
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Ive got to want to show and be part of things.. That means what it means! if I dont show up; if Im not part of; my opportunities all die away... At one point in time that was necessary for many reasons; today; that is not what I want!
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If I had been able to fight for what I want; stand up for what Im fighting for and show up with immediacy around what it is I want; I would still be around it today.
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Working with God; Im going to learn how to stand up for what I want; fight for what I want; show up for what I want in prompt manner that indicates Im sincere about my choices.
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Writing this triggers allot of stuff.. Im angry and raging right now.. triggered...
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When others know I care; thats when they respond.
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Love is something I prove all day long in a positive sense; its an action word. If I love someone or something Im going to want to be around it.
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Im now working on paper with my first love; as if Ive made it to her house; Im now working on stay power. Im asking for her help so I wont slip away and hide; that she not abandon me but stay with me. And show me how to have a relationship with her on a daily basis...
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I Avoided her so much for no other reason then complete insanity...
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So; a few things. Along with this subject of learning how to stay with my first love at least on paper on a daily basis and I tell her not to leave me or ask her if she wants to leave me and stay with GOd while doing all this; in addition to all this; ART; Im seeing my lack of being involved with Art as the same thing. I have no stay power; same fears. What does this mean; it means if I can solve with GOds help this problem; I also solve it for ART work...!
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SO; Ya know; Im getting there. Im rebuilding this life... On my own but not on my own with lots of help but not from the beginning people I saw on planet earth.
THe grief associated with the loss of that beginning life is 2 much; thats why I shut down and dont grow through any of this; Im getting better.
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Ya Know; I see my big brothers face now; as I work toward getting my life back; but hes not in my life to depend on; it kind of sucks.
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How I wish I would have had a recovery process when I was young... tODAY I ask God for help replenishing those people that I need and want in my life that play certain rolls; I pray for the right ones.. that really get me; respect me and want to associate with me and be my friends.
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