July 2025
June 2025
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It was bound to happen; A clash.
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Ive been working on forgiveness; Im getting to the point of just forgiving everyone and for amends; thanking everyone and their families for helping me get this far in life from the beginning of my life; and leaving it at that if possible. I might be able to do this because of the vast resentment work I've done and Ill continue to do more resentment work.
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So; at a meeting; one of the women at the meeting is someone who I had written up some amends for on a sheet of paper...
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Heres the deal; Im talking to sunning Jesus because I was in the wrong ( this is not a nice person)(maybe for writing sake I can look at what Ive written but keep it to myself and God). This person does not want me or my amends nor respects me nor is anything but evil. Ill still write it up on paper. I was staring at the person nicely tonight from across the room; she responded with a kind of shunning superiorness. Meaning Im starting to open up a bit and feel more free; and the other person is shunning me when I look over in their direction. I dont care about looking in the direction of these women who were in the corner; they mean nothing to me; but they seem to think they got it going on. I guess Im not suppose to look at the royalty especially when they are in the presence of their subjects; Horrible 2 faced sickening evil is what this is. Is what these people are. So; Ill have to ask Sunny Jesus for other places to go.
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NOTE: Im innocent and I just didnt know... Im starting to open up a bit now; and with it; look around. I dont like what I see; some of the people I thought liked me are actually treating me with contempt and hatred; they think they are superior. Its like being spat on. I was a bit shocked; I didnt know this is how they felt about me. I havent been awake; Now I know...
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Here the point; I cant connect with any of them. I might have become a nicer person but they aren't; and they dont care who I am. Just because I feel freer; means its time to shut down around those people; talk to Jesus and find myself around a better group of people. These people Im talking about at this meeting are pure evil and always were pure evil; Ive been naive. Nothing new!
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Im looking for love at all the wrong places; so; its time to talk to sunny Jesus about looking for friendship and love at all the right places.
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I mean; its kind of silly concerning the 12 step fellowship Im dealing with; this is not a place to look for Christian love; more like Satanic psychopathic tortures... This just means these people are cold hearted 2 faced people; unbelievable. THey think they are Gods... Why do I care; because Im in the recovery process and maybe think they are nice people to because they are in the recovery process; WRONG!
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So; its like this; Just because Im improving doesn't mean this evil lot of people has changed and they still dont respect me and never will till their dying day. I was thinking about this women I was writing amends toward and I was thinking; Her first husband got rid of her for the same reason; shes evil. Suddenly I wanted to see her through innocent eyes; and that was a big big mistake. If I see her again; Ill ignore her and just go to a meeting to discuss my progress and then leave.
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Its exciting to make progress; I have to remember not everyone is excited for me or on my side. Many dont care either way... and can be completely 2 faced; playing me the whole time like Im a fool. And doing it publicly. Acting as if theirs no consequences.
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So; is this the best people I can associate with; are their any others; Ill have to work with Jesus to believe better people exist.
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SO; I have to humble myself to Jesus and work with GOd on the next step for me. ANd I have to learn a lesson; its a hard lesson; stay away from the popular 2 faced people; Not everyone is the same; Evil abodes in the city scape; not everyplace is innocent. If I want innocent decent people Ill have to really want it and allow the universe to send me their. The universe has shown me a few things I didnt want to see; that the people I have a tendency to save; they are evil; and God is not saving them because they did not ask God into their lives. So; Why am I playing Saint Omnicell; I need and want the love and connection and Im making a big mistake; Ive been here before with this co dependency. Im learning; I need to pray first before I leave my dwelling place in order to be out into the world. Have GOd cover me in a protective sheath... I seem to think I got it going on when in reality the people I want to feel important with think they are Gods and many dont have any soul; they are shallow and stupid and arrogant; They think they are royalty. Why am I even associating with them... In a sense I have to go out on my own. Go out from among them and work with God on finding new people. Decent people and no one else.
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I want the social status they have; well; not really; I just want to fit into a group of nice people I can associate with with the same values.
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I seem to still think I can show up at evil un protected areas and act anyway I want to around anyone I want to and go into savior mode and be respected and save people.
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If I want to be looked up to by arrogant evil people I have to sell my soul and become one of them.
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One of the problems; Ive been around evil people for so long they think Im one of them and then suddenly at some point they realize Im not; Im laughed at and called a weakling and given no more social status with that group. This is happening because Im spending so much time around them in a kind of close proximity. What is it that I want from them. Its like I innocently want to be lifted up by them to become in their castle of fun and royalty; What I dont understand is; they are pure evil. They destroy people.
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I have to look at this situation as; What is it that I want from them; Why am I not just finding new people that are nice. So; Ill work with God on this. Because its the only answer. I cant be around everyone. and hanging out with sociopaths wont work... and thats about what all of this amounts to; narcissistic sociopaths. Im still trying to get their love.
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NOTE: I was kind of in love with this girl( women); the one Im talking about in this blog; the one I wanted to walk over to and talk to but is pure evil and I seem to forget thats all she is. And suddenly I realize I wanted to save her again because I kind of loved her and never followed through. THis was about 10 years ago in the recovery process. What I failed to understand; She was actually evil the whole time. She was never a nice person that needed to be saved. I was in her realm and rooms of evil from the beginning; she thought I was like her a Vampire. She tried to come on to me hard; but it didnt work because Im not evil. ANd the whole thing collapsed with me looking like a laughing stalk in front of everyone. I was banished by the women as a fool; In reality she made me sick because of her arrogance. I wanted nothing to do with her; and it seems ever; she was not a nice person. SO Im banished by the whole group. Only a few people accept me in the group; did I forget. ANd Im not even sure about those people.
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NOTE: I have the same complain about the First girl I fell in love with; MY FIRST LOVE that lived up the street when teenager. Its the same story... She turns out evil and I dont want anything to do with her but Im still in love with her! Because she is evil; I begin to question the actual value of the love I had for her. How could it be real love if she is evil.
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Heres the deal; I go to these rooms for recovery; I was about to say EVIL! I go to these rooms for recovery; but as for meeting people; its never worked ever! ...
SO; I have to wake up to this fact.
And at this point; Im passed tense in many peoples minds; Ive been in the recovery process for a long time and My name has been pushed into the mud by most of these people. They are evil foolish monsters...
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The question; where do I go to meet new good people.
The climb back to life continues.
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And did I forget the main rule; I seem to be going to them; they are never going to me. Its suppose to be the other way around. And that will never happen in a place of evil; why would it. Even Jesus doesn't go into those places; why would he. He comes out from among those places; wipes his feet on the ground in front of them; and turns and goes his own way never to return unless they repent... If Jesus is doing this; how much more should I be hiding under ground from these people.
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Jesus does not spend his time around evil; Why am I?
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Dealing with Co dependent Trauma Bond and Fantasy thinking..
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FANTASY THINKING
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One area thats getting me into trouble is fantasy thinking; Im thinking about this other person and fantasizing I have a relationship with them... of some kind; and in my fantasy they are really nice person and gentle and down to earth. ANd I go up to them and they appreciate it.
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In reality; nothing can be further from the truth. They are pure evil...
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I stay in my protection bond to keep myself safe from real interactions with others.
The problem; I attempt to act out what Im fantasizing. I might walk up to one of these people and say hello; just to get my head bit off by mean cold hearted arrogant evil. And then I crawl away destroyed and look for a rock to hide under.
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