July 2025
June 2025
The field is starting a new; a new campaign… Prepare for the new battle.. It is upon thus…
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Ive made it through many journeys…
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The relationship journey is upon me. Ive come to the end of myself concerning this specific area of this specific matter.
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Think of the Battles between The Germans and The Russians in WW2.. Unbelievable Horror. The Battle of Kursk..
Battle of Stalingrad
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And many others…
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That is what I face; Im facing CPTSD PTSD and AVPDS And Trauma bonded situations on and out through my life by those who abused their positions of primary support givers… I was destroyed by them. And many other problems associated with relationships; I was horribly disfigured by those I opened up to… almost in complete shock; I reeled back in confusion; Heart Broken and shattered; over n over n over in betrayal. I had no idea what was going on. Relationships were torn from me. I never developed relationships...
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After being crushed and entering the recovery process; I slowly began to recover and with investigative intent; I learned what had happened in those years of sorrow…
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Now; many years later; I seek to mend up the gap between myself and relationships created by those enemies of love and God and Goodness.. I unfortunately stepped into the realms of the devil; and with out knowledge of what I had done; I was cut down and destroyed.. I had walked into a whole nation of evil; I had no idea. I do now!
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My self respect beaten weakened but in tact; no self esteem; strengthened at the brute level; at the level of an animal.. But no knowledge on how to interact with the normal human being in society.
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My boundaries ruptured from having personal perimeters ran over; over n over n over by those I innocently thought were governed care givers; only to be presented with the horror that these were rapists and murder’rs of all forms or some forms; very deeply evil people. The kinds we only hear about on you-tube crime channels.
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I had no hope; it was if I had been destroyed over n over n over in a war and I was far gone; I could not function ever again.
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I was diagnosed with Full dissociative disorder; Many who met me; saw me in the recovery process; even some therapists in meetings that happened to need therapy who were listening to me for years in those meetings; thought I was schizophrenic; many general recovery goers thought I was schizophrenic; for years; many were told not to go near me because I was insane and had no problem being ultra violent against society in general; In the beginning years…
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In the beginning I went to meetings;
I did something strange; In this condition I went to meetings; 12 step meeting and my usual therapy meetings. It made things worse for a while because I was over exposed to do many people… However, It was my choice; the recovery underneath would create a foundation that is a guiding stone now; it was worth it; I'm not sure how many people could withstand all of that. I held on for a long long time before things changed.
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Into the present;
How do I say this; Im sure many on this site will understand. When I say Im getting better or Im much much better then I used to be… Thank God! Miracle; Still cant function at much; but my days are much better…
I have established hobbies and I have a few established callings; very hard to participate in things tho. And thats Oke; No problem; I do the best I can practicing interaction with things and people that best I can. Im still broken but Im better; people on this site might be able to relate; that the inner me feels a lot safer and secure; and thats all I could ask for; I have a working relationship with GOd; its hard; Im learning about trust; in some cases; a first time on some subjects. Many people on this site i think can understand; I feel better! But Im still F_#^# Up!
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Interaction all stopped after so many deep woundings by bad people; I was no longer present and my nervous system would no longer ever trust anyone again. I was ripped out of society culture and life; stripped of my life on planet earth; No one cared… !
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So; here I am now; Im doing fantastic; considering this life; nothing could have ever been like this before… and it is; better; thats all I could ask for…
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NOTE: Would the general people; the masses; would they understand! I mean; I dont have a house; I dont have a car; I ride a bike everywhere; i can ask people for rides. I have foodstamps and live in housing. I have very little money per month. Ive learn to save it for 90 days and thus have a little bit more money to buy bigger item things... I pray about things all the time. I go to 12 step meetings several times a day; and the rest; Im watching crime channel on youtube and working with my hobbies of plastic model kits and video games; and at times; my more serious hobbies like music and art creation. Not as much as I like; I can hardly keep at something more then a few minutes at a time; my mind gives way and becomes exhausted; it decompensates and drops away... That is all the inner action I can handle at a time. And I cant do that all the time.
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However; What about living… I mean; What about living life at a full level; with the groundings of the basics re established back into my life; what about that; Real activities like work and real relationships.
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Well; with a torn up life and mind and nervous system; such things might be able to happen if I can get in touch with a higher power like God/Universe and call out to God universe for help and desires; desires created in my imagination.
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My mind has been destroyed/ruptured at times; Im very lucky to have it as clear in some areas that it is; However, a brutalized nervous system is not so lucky; its been slain and stays on red alert for the remainder of its life; its goal is to protects me and it uses techniques those who are being tortured use to stay alive… Lots of stress turned way up to red line levels; constant survival mode.
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So; This does not translate so well into normal life; its way beyond survival mode; its deep into psychiatric mental illness.
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Anyway; Here I am now; fighting because I want a relationship ( and I want to choice and I want to be back into a life of relationships). What does this really mean; well; from a broken psychiatric person; this is a tall order!!!
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However, Im reminded that first; I go to God and I remember; that no one in my past; they didn’t really want to be friends with me. I was not like them. They were from a different background and life; and it was shameful and ridiculous for me to bother these people; these strangers. They owed me nothing. I had made a mistake; mistaken identity. I went to them demanding friendship.. it backfired. No one from their way of life understood me or wanted to be friends with me nor did they need to be; they didnt need my friendship. Were they called by God to be my friends; I dont know! I dont think so... I needed them allot more then they needed me!
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Today; I will pray hard because this subject needs prayer and meditation. I must get a working trust relationship with God on this subject; that is where the real problem lies and the belief problem lies; I just never felt good enough to think God cared one way or the other. I felt that I was destroyed when young and God did this to me; he was in control the who time; not some psychopaths in some house; the universe had control of this the whole time; every bit of it. If God didn’t want me alive and wanted to kill me; why should I care anymore about anything.
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I am to smart to blame mere mortal men… However; This is not between me and God for I have no power with God. I will talk to God; maybe God will help me.. I don’t know; its hard for me to understand. Why would God help me if he so thoroughly destroyed me when young. He must have wanted me dead. Why would he help me now. So; thats what I have to work on with God… pray for me!
Our partner
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