July 2025
June 2025
So; IFI am to have a wife; I will need certain tools..
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1. Father; The universe is allowing me to trust more n more; trust the universe; thus the universe more n more is revealing what I can handle.. And thus I am seeing those times of pure neglect; and what I see? Is an absent Father; and I never prepared for it because I did not know it was going to happen; I never thought about it; I thought I had a father on my side. I was wrong; I was simply very young and being groomed by a psycho with no concious. I was being used. I never knew.. Suddenly without warning; no more father. So; I pray and tell the universe; tell God; tell Christ; I need a father Christ; I need a father in those specific memories where Im hurting; where Im displaced; where Im living in an apartment as a boy; because I have no more house or family; I see the garage areas of the apartment; in the back of the apartment; a separate stall for cars; Im looking into one of those stalls; and I see a car; but no one in it; it is suppose to be my father that is in one of those cars; theirs no one. Ive been abandon with no way out. I was set up from the beginning. I see this car; this convertible; no father in it; just quite emptiness; nothing I can do about it; no growth; just neglect; I need a father at that moment. And thousands of other moments; I need that Father for my growth. I need that encouragement; Father God; bringing me that father so I can get a pat on the back for doing a good job; being a good boy! over n over n over; someone on my side. Allow me Father God; Allow me to see what I want and need; Im almost able to; but the pain of revisiting this area is almost 2 much for me...
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3. Reality; coming into reality; The reality of talking about the past; is a safe place in a sense; but not really; because the pain is so great; and being re-torched or re-tortured over n over can cause psychosis and suicide. However, being ready to deal with the unknown in reality and working with others who I do not have any control over where I have to trust someone even tho they could be setting me up and lying to me; this is to much. This type of damage that can occur if Im turned on or played can also be devastating... Preparing; working with God to learn how to use the tools given to me to survive in reality.
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4. Trust; Learning to trust God; learning to create relationships; and learning to create trust in others so I can trust them; My God this sounds like Im a Wingsuit flyer flying head on in between the crevasse of a giant rocks; threw that tiny opening surrounded by stone; My God; that trust factor...
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5. Creating relationships...
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6. I was a foolish foolish young man; will I be thus again? Learning from mistakes.
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7. Working with God...
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WHAT ELSE DO I NEED;
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I need a safe family system; a table with others on myside like a family to talk learn how to talk openly on a daily basis about everything; that is what was missing from the time of my birth; I kept quite about everything; no growth on a daily basis in anything; nothing. No development; nothing. Looking book; it was never safe ever! Nothing; I needed to explain and explore my voice and fears and short comings and goals and dreams working on it daily and when hit with problems I needed many people to share it with and work on things; Their was no one; thus it was like I was beheaded when very young and silent with no growth.
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Now I need that family experience.
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I used to live through TV shows when very very young and get that experience or hope for it in the future.
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Acceptance; What Quest or journey am I on? I know Im on a quest of some kind; Im looking to define it and start it out in the real world.
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Im gathering resources right now; not to much money; but souls... Souls that will help and that are on my side; from GOd... From Christ...
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Im on a parallel journey with the world and those in it; but Im on my own journey; not someone else's; They can join up next to me but that is all; my journey direction does not change nor am Im looking for anyone for that kind of thing( to change me or change it). God has me heading toward a Quest; and thus; I must work work with God on this Quest..
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Self worth is low. Im on my own. Ill work with God to do the things necessary to feel better about myself my inner self. I kind of get it; its been awhile. Ill work with God on these chance taking situations..
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My Quest starts with Video games. Something about software; working it; running it and finishing a program; TO finish a program; finish a game; complete it; that is what is most important right now; I notice the parallels of finishing a computer game; the struggle and dissociation; especially in the middle of the game; I start giving up and dissociation and become rebellious and defiant.. and shut down. Im assuming this is from or toward abuse from my mother and father; 0-5 years old. And this is what I was like in Grade school; getting now where; and also in life; protection defiance and pain...
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Anyway...
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I can see this concept of finishing anything; in this case video game is very similar in structure to many things I wanted to do with my life but could never start or finish; to much reality in my face coming at me; to much information coming at me all at once... way way to much; way over my head; never a safe place or a place I could talk things out with adults or others on my side; people; family; anything I could trust; Nothing; ever; never.
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So; That area is one of fright; to go into that area within self... thats where Im going; Video games seems to be what God is bringing me next for the first real rounds of this battle/war... Video games are kind of safe; I mean; their made for kids... their made for easy access and experimentation and growth; one starts out very slowly easily and small... and grows if one wants the growth and development. Its a very quite private kind of personal growth experience for me; for me; lots of chance taking in a video game; I can feel it; Im triggered all over the place; just as if I was walking down a busy street in my home town and I had to make decisions publicly; it triggers the same phobic fears.
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I may buy hundreds of video games and study such things for a long while until I finally kind of move upon one game that starts the flow into these cyber synthetic pathways...
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Ive got this area of drop-off ( Im at the end of myself)where I end; ( ANd it shows up while playing video games)And its somewhere in the middle of finishing a video game and way before it; PTSD is triggered right at the beginning of starting a game and I dissociate and want to run and hide or disappear( When Im asked to move forward out of my comfort zone into new surroundings . Its hard right from the start because it all leads me back to reality; a reality I could not handle or win against; one I could not protect myself from nor fight back; I could not; nor did I know how or did I ever think I would be thrown into situations where my life was about fighting back all the time being under attack all the time. And so it is this problem. I was put into uncompromising situations I could not win at because I was being taken advantage of from age 18 and below; all my life. It was like being eaten alive and receiving nothing else... I was rotted at the core with no other life energy coming in; nothing.. I finally just died. I became a walking death. By the time I was put on social security; I was so far gone from mental illness; no hope for me. That has all changed now! )SMile)!
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So; its a war like....
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The things I face are the things that scare the hell out of me.
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Its like I was in first grade running around in this neighbors backyard free; and then its third grade and Im introduced to math. Something completely new; and suddenly Im stuck.. Im being pushed into this new world and I never make it; I never make the change; its to emotionally traumatic; Im thrown into this new world and thus I run and spend the rest of my life in that jungle hiding; that backyard forest as a 6 year old for the remainder of my life. At some point I dont know how to get out or move forward; I feel so stupid and dumb and backwards and humiliated not being part of this society. I dont want to look like one of those fools whos whole life theft them; I read about those kinds of people; never did I think I would be one of them; But 2 areas disappeared or were never developed in me; Work and Relationships; That means a job and a marriage; No Adulting! I was trapped in a dissociated nightmare. Im now starting to want to come out of it please. Im a little better and can at least start a journey; but even saying this; or talking like this starts a break down; i can feel it coming on. {PTSD-CPTSD}....
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So; Now; Ill ask God; how do I start in this society..
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I saw this society as a death society; and for good reason; the people around me. But those people are not longer around me. I mean; not only has God come threw for me; many people have also shown up to help.
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Now; Im in a better station or Im closer to the starting line of society. Im learning; Im learning for myself today. However; Im still the 6 year old watching all of this on television. I mean; part of me is not in reality or not yet; its still dissociated from reality as my mind is broken. So; Ill take that to God as well.
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NOTE: The past is still to close. I spent to many years in that horrible nightmare...
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COMPUTER GAMES: MY NEW FRIENDS....
Ive equated video game experiences as computer programs giving me an experience. That means Im working through computer programs; From the start to the middle to the finish; That is the goal; its a whole journey in itself. Will it last for ever; I dont know; or even that it matters; it will always be one of my main hobbies tho... i like it... its me.... its quite private and introverted; I can crawl up into my own little sphere and run the world.
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I equate the journey of entering a computer program; working within it to completion as a kind of cathartic success story and achievement if I can pull it off; its more then about computer games; It signifies so many basics within any achievement; achievements I never felt worthy or smart enough or good enough or worthy enough to be part of; Actually; ive always known Im smart enough; but what good is it; it would just be bring on pain and loss of the past if I use that part of my brain.
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NOTE: Finishing a computer game is like passing through all the bullies that stopped me from growing when young; Its a passage of right from 0-12 years old. From 12-13 years old. From 14-20 years old.
Contempt; anger, hatred, rebelion, hurt, pain, fear fright terror loss; sadness; grief; all dissociated with finishing a computer program or a video game or any kind of game or experiment.
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I can feel it; its like; I was suppose to be home on C street and a boy when I went through this; on safe ground protected... not where Im at now; this is a disgrace; someone has robbed me; robbed my life. So; theirs the deeper pain. But I think I can do This; Dissociation will knock me off the cliff a few times... ANd Im so scared of what I will find at the end of this rainbow; I may find nothing; thats what Im scared of; more endless reality getting know where... SO; I have to change that thinking; Ill pray about it.
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SO; Im getting strong enough to be facing and looking at directly; the realities I have come from; facing them; reliving them; re working them with GOds help; going back up those paths of death and discouragement and horror; places of no hope; re walking those pathways right back up those hills and facing everything that is their and slowly with Gods help; cleaning them up while standing my ground; its truly not an easy thing.
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What I will learn; What I will learn to do is pray first; take a chance; step back to ground one and pray again; and do all this very very slowly; Im disabled in this reality stuff; my mind is all ready filled with stress constantly. Over flowing with it... So; I shut down very easily... very easily. its one small step at a time. And when I step out into the open; I freak out; i go into survival mode and start screaming for someone to safe me. And I also have to be that animal that saves me.
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AND I ASLO HAVE TO BE THAT ANIMAL THAT SAVES ME! This attitude also build this false pride of; look at me; Im an identity; im a bad Ass.... look at me; I can handle not only me but also you; Im somebody!
And on and on this endless narcissism roles; all fake all nonsense in a way... its all fear protectionism; my over develped attitude about it. I mean; yes; its based on survival; but its not suppose to take the place of working down and through my journey to develop into the kind of person I truly want to be. The idea is to get out of fantasy movie and start walking a real path based on an alignment with a higher power...
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Stopping off for the rest of my life looking in a merroir and gloating that Im Batman for the rest of my life; will not work.. Ill have to have enough self esteem to take off the cape and join the rest of the world at the starting gate...
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NOTE: From the merroir of fantasy to the human starting gate; that is where all the PTSD resides... so; that is a death dark gruesum journey in within that area of death; and its is that area Ill pray about...
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And coming away from that merroir of fantasy back into reality is no easy feat; thats what Im working on. its humiliating and I want to run away because I have no character; nothing; nothing developed yet; In this area.
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In fact; following God; the completion of one of these video games may just be the next step in that character search..
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