July 2025
June 2025
Mental illness.
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Why do I write blogs: Im trying to escape and Im trying to come up with answers and Im trying to express answers.
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Mental illness is the reason I write all these blogs; for relief.
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Ive mentioned horrible friendships with horrible 2 faced people; why did I reach out to these people; I was acting out; Why? Mental illness. If I had not been desperate; I would have never met the fake friends I mention in these blogs. In many cases; the fake friends in these blogs complain that we should have never met; They are correct. If I had a normal safe life when young; if someone had been taking care of me; I would have never met any of those people. I would have met only nice people.
I guess they played some kind of role in my life. I dont know. I dont like to think about it. Maybe God was using them to set me on a path that would lead me away from the monsters that came from my family system. I dont know!
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THe more detective work I do on the past; the more I start to see the differences between myself and those people I associated with from the past. More n more; it hurts less and less; the loss of not having those people in my life. God is helping here. THese people I write about from my past; did not care about me or value me; I meant nothing to them. Its to bad I had to spend so much time around them.
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LIMERENCE; Limerence
Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated
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I suffer from Limerence horribly; because of trauma I am separated from ever feeling safe around anyone. Ive been through so many bad situations with bad people I dont know how I can trust anyone.
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I do not have any people Im close to; not really; I have a few wing people from 12 step meetings; they are acquaintances; I call them basic friends but it seems more polite then anything else.. its a kind of basic friendship level; its not perfect; they are not perfect. They really dont know me. They know the person at the 12 step meetings and that person is a bag full of mental health symptoms looking for relief; and They dont understand that.
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If I had it my way; I would not go to those meetings.
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Im a shut in; Agoraphobia.
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I remember my house when I was a little kid on C street. I remember feeling safe their somewhat; because my father was their... My backyard I remember. Other then this; I have never felt safe anywhere.
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I do not feel safe outside with no protection... So; Im in my apartment all the time.
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Im always battling with wanting relief from PTSD CPTSD ANd Dissociation. Thats what this is really all about; getting relief from PTSD... Thats all its ever been.
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Im finally getting better I think; the relief is sticking a bit. Im getting better at relief; I still have the mental health problems.
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My identity seems stronger THank God... but Im always looking for relief from PTSD and my condition. Thats why I go to so many meetings; I can release the pressure of whats going on inside; the stress and thoughts from the PTSD...
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It seems Ive always wanted to be safe because of the PTSD.. and my friends; they were about safe places to hide; thats why I associated with them. I never realized they weren't my friends. They thought they were better then me. I had no idea. They looked down on me and never wanted me as a friend or wanted me around; nothing. They thought they were superior. IT was God that got me away from those people. God was trying to protect me and get me back into Gods realm.
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As I get better my mind comes out of the fog of the past a bit; into the present and reality and I realize non of those fake friends were worth my time. THey never had my best interests at heart. They never appreciated having me around. THey dont know who I am. And they dont care; and maybe; why should they? WHy should I care about them?
THese people wanted functional people around them; I was not. In some cases; these friendships started breaking down the moment I showed up; they didnt last more then a few days before problems began.
I was looking for relief; thats why I was around these fake friends. And the more uncovering of the past the more I can see Im not at such a lose not having those people in my life.
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Limerence is a big problem; fantasizing about people; what I think they are and how they are going to interact in my life. I get hurt when these people dont turn out to be friendly or nice people.
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I live in my fantasies... I wanted to connect to the outside world; it never happened.
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Im going through this in the 12 step groups in a sense. They are not places to hang out or live; the people in these groups; many of them are not safe; some dangerous; its not grade school. IVe been hanging out in those places working on mental health issues for a long long time; Thats about PTSD>
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I dont have a PTSD recovery world to go to.. I have to make one and I have and ive gotten away with it for a long time. But now; Im getting old and its getting old going to these places.
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Ill work with GOd on new places to go... new people to meet.
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I am getting better? I am finally getting some relief from the horrible losses of the past where I was ruptured over n over...
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THe fake friends I had when young; they never knew anything about me; and they could care less. As soon as they could dump me; they did. I was horribly sad. But also; I understand. THey were never nice people and Im shocked that I ever met them or I ever went back around them more then once.
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IVe experienced the same things at these meetings at times.. The same 2 faced people... Its a dangerous place to make friends with anyone... So it was never about meeting people; it was about getting relief from PTSD>
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I long for other places to go... Ill work with God on it.
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So; Mental illness is the reason Im here and the reason Im writing...
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Im alone in the world. Ill work with God on it. All I had were my memories; and that was not enough for me or good enough for me. I wanted free of those memories... I wanted something better and Im getting something better. Im slowly rebuilding my life and letting go of the falsehood of my past experiences and the false people involved in them. I wanted free of the losses of my past. I wanted to see those fake people for what they are so I do not feel its important to hang on to memories associated with them. This has not been easy. I valued people allot more then they valued me. It was easy for them to get rid of me; to easy. Not so easy for me to get rid of my value for them.
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I operate about 10% out of 100% of who I am; so Im disabled most of the time... I might say I can do all these things but its all Limerence in a sense; its wishful thinking or dreaming; most of the time Im inside my apartment writing or doing something for mental relief; thats about all I can do.
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I made a mistake; I think its a mistake based on Limerence; I valued people who did not value me. Thus; when I lost those people; it meant nothing to them; it meant everything to me. I died inside.
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NOTE: Lets get something straight tho; these people were not the right people for me. I found the absolute wrong style and type of people to associate with; they and I would never have a chance simply because of our differences; what I valued they were indifferent to. Even if I was mentally well; we would never have met or gotten along; if we would have met we would have walked by each other and never associated with each other ever again... simply because we are completely different people. We had nothing in common; these people would never value someone like me in the first place regardless; we would never see each other meet for any reason.. So; allot of this is about being joined to strangers I had no business with... And whos fault is that... This is not uncommon for mentally ill people to find themselves around complete strangers for attention; to get attention to show up around a bunch of unkown people so one can fit in. THis is a half hazard venture... One has no idea who they are are going to end up around.
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I wanted this to stop. I wanted to open up the past and investigate to a point that I stopped giving these crummy people so much credit and started giving myself some credit and give them just what they deserved; and what did they deserve? They deserved to be out of my life so I could get some relief...
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Ill work with God on the kind of remaining life I want.
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Ive not a clue when it comes to people or relationships. Its been like Ive been alone from the very beginning; all my life.
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Ive never been around anyone thats valued me. No one that ever gave me a second chance or maybe even a first one. Or a second look; no one cared enough to even investigate who they were dealing with and when I realized this I walked away quickly.
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IVe never had a girlfriend; Not someone I actually wanted to go out with; Only once; when I was 14; but that was a fluke. Once the girl realized I had problems she was gone. And she only associated with me because I lied about who I was. Once that fell through she was gone; she had no value for me. IT was gone within days. I never went out with her; only hung out with her a few times...
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Ive found no women that have any value for me ever; nothing! Ive never been interested in people that liked me for my looks when I was young. I had no interest in them; to shallow... I wanted nothing to do with them. I just wanted friends... to be part of a life... Never happened. But what did happen; GOd got me away from the people that didnt count. Thats what God has done for me; Ive been able to escape those people and places and things.
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I wanted to be accepted for my inner value; it never happened... I guess you have to have money and family to attract it... I never did. IVe always been alone.
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So; Ill keep working with God until my end comes...
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