July 2025
June 2025
Im feeling lonely. I have made great strides through this relationship and work issues process...
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lately I advanced in Art; amazingly. I made another change. I was introduced to information by Van Gogh.. and it just clicked. He made 2000 paintings in 10 years. He did his thing; what turned him on; He did what he wanted to; and I plan to do the same thing. Something happened to the stick figured drawings I was creating; I started filling in the rest of the white art paper space and turned it into a painting. This is significant for several reasons. Most importantly; Im at this point of looking at a Van Gogh painting and getting it; he finished the painting; its full of paint and ideas from one edge of that canvas to the other. ITs complete because hes a complete painter... Or; hes an Artist.. Its complete.. Im getting it; the rich spirituality of what he was suppose to do; I feel it completely.. Ill do the same; thats my next mission; in fact it already started and I started doing it as if my new programming is kicking in. It startled me to see myself move forward on the canvas... I really startled me as if I had new programming.
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NOTE: I want to make something clear. The next move forward in Art is to finally start making Art. Ive mentioned about Van Gogh and this breakthrough. However, that does not mean Im making consistent Art; Im still stuck. I am advancing in ideas and identity; Im getting an Artist Identity back; but Im still talking and not working. And that must change; However, thats the major problem was all things in my life; my nervous system is trying to protect me from ever getting involved in a life that bullied me to death so many times. Im gun shy to be involved in life again; so......
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Im feeling lonely; its a fight to go to the meetings all the time; some of the clientele can be rough. I am making headway in music and Art and Relationship development down my pathway. My goal is to develop in these areas so I can be restored to being a composer and an Artist; a real one like Van Gogh that makes real Art... And restored in relationship; functional again to be able to initiate the desire to be in a relationship; work with the universe; and learn to be with someone besides myself... I understand my self centered nature has to go. I have allots of work to do on myself and my character flaws. Also; protection from being slaughtered and murdered from the past; this is not easy. Also; working through the past; the horror and sadness and pain of being discarded by everyone permanently.
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Im lonely; its a tough battle going up hill; sometimes I feel all alone. However, even during these down times; I have made tremendous progress; More importantly; the universe simply shows up; Just as this happened with Art Today! ITs a tremendous move forward.
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Im playing a video game called Sekiro... you are the 'one-armed wolf', a disgraced and disfigured warrior rescued from the brink of death. Bound to protect a young lord who is the descendant of an ancient bloodline, you become the target of many vicious enemies, including the dangerous Ashina clan. Its a stealth battling nightmare; the major Bosses and minor Bosses are particularly good; very precise. Thats what I read; WHat Ive noticed. Ive had to duck around.. without a clue where I was going; cant really tell; have to try it a hundred times; assuming Im not cheating; didnt have to yet; not really; maybe once at the beginning of the game did I see a bit of a walk through but that was it... Ive made it a fair distance now; Im surprised I found my way without ever knowing where I was going.
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And this was my point. Just as in Art today; shocked me that the universe opened up things... I mean; caught me off guard but its exactly what I asked for. I mean; the series Im working on right now is about work related activities and relationships. As I continue to go to meetings and talk about what the universe is doing for me; the next day things happen. And they are happening. And I end up at the gate of success advancement without a clue to what just happened; it happened so quickly; a door was opened; without knowing it I walked through it and moved forward and advanced and then suddenly realized. Like walking through a wall not aware; and realized I was outside; stunned and startled I began to think about what just happened... How did I get outside?
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I continue to write dialogs about my first love as if we are in the same room together. My goal is to tell her all about me; the real me. Ill continue to write in dialog form as if we are talking together; Ill continue to do so until the universe is satisfied that I have told her everything their is to tell her to a point that I could walk into a room sit down with her the first time and tell her exactly who I am and who I am not and not feel any real stress about it. No problem if Im accepted or not... doesnt matter because I am who I am.
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Im having a hard time in this dialog telling the truth of who I really am. That's why the universe has me doing this kind of cathartic exercise; its a very good exercise. I lied to her when I was young and first met her; I felt I had the right to lie to get what I wanted. Criminal like... I have to stop that! I have to be myself and be strong and happy in it. I was once. I will be again. If Im not enough for some people; who cares. I must learn how to be myself again and the universe gives me opportunities to learn how and thats what Im working on now.
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NOTE: The universe loved this girl; God loved her and put that on my heart to serve her. I was inline with GOd at first and I was doing what I was suppose to do; then I stopped. God did not tell me to stop serving her or loving her. Now; I am to go back and serve her again; this time on paper until I do it right and God is satisfied with me... THat I finish he mission he had set before me! And I will; and in the end I will find myself because of it.
So; the universe continues to show up and lead me ever further down this pathway.
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