July 2025
June 2025
There will be no more blogs in this series concerning my First love; It has now been solved.
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The inner workings I was seeking from this First Love; These were attributes I was originally seeking from my parents...
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I will begin a new blog series concerning my Mother and Father; I will be looking at Severe Neglect and Abandonment at child age... The way I responded to the neglect and abandonment; The imbalancement of such severities left me overly needy insecure; angry and disparately seeking outside relationships similar to being with my parents. The Goal when young; Find someone I can over come; love and receive love and prove that Im good enough and dont have to be neglected or thrown away; have success in that relationship.
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My first love was a copy of the relationship I had with my parents... unfortunately; I could not follow through. I was cut off halfway through my childhood by my parents and lost my voice; my ability to share an opinion; I lost everything. Unfortunately when up with my first love; suddenly when I was to advance into a romantic arrangement with her; I froze up and could not; and could not speak; I was literally catatonic... I could not get past the walls of trauma and dissociation. Unfortunately she was not trained in psychology; Instead of understanding; she and her family laughed at me thinking I was weak. I knew at that moment; I could never see her ever again... I wanted nothing to do with her or her family or anyone like at that point. The problem was; I was so in love with her. I still saw her; but it was bizarre; One side was made sick of her; the other in love with her. I tried to go up and see her; but I could not follow through; could not follow through anyway.
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However, the universe has revealed to me that What I wanted from my first love; I could get from many different women; not just one. I wanted what my parents had not given me. And I wanted a best friend and to feel connected. But many people can be my best friend where I feel safe and connected;
It was not my first love I loved; it was what she was giving me that I craved; she could have been anyone... sorta.. within reason here... Yet, Im making my point.
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My present goal with my first love;
So; The present goal with my first love was; separate from the bonding codependency I remember; to undo the hooks that bound us together . And that has happened; It is now established that the connection I had with my first love, this was a continuation of the connection I had with my parents. In a sense; She represented a relationship with my parents ( she would be playing the role of my parents); thus; a relationship where I could give and receive and win! Unfortunately; that never happened because I could neither follow through nor communicate my feelings about anything...
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WHATS NEXT:
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Now; I move down the number line. A new focus is emerging; My Parents...
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I will look at abandonment and neglect.. An over view....
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Ill still write about my first love; MAYBE: just to clear up any things that caused pain. I will address I think...
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I dont know. My FIrst Love is already becoming a memory...
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