July 2025
June 2025
The 2 most important questions are;
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Relationships and Activities and how to move into them....
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First problem;
Process out; My first Love experience...
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So; working with the universe I am getting places here concerning the understanding of what happened with my first love.
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As for today; And Ive worked on this for a long time... More intensely these last several years. And By working on it in 12 step groups and with a higher power and the steps with sponsors and looking at it from a 4th step moral inventory side of things; Im slowly breaking into and thru this situation; However; its all up to the universe God; Jesus Christ; The Christ! Its up to God to bring forth new information.
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NOTE: I use God like its Oxygen; through God I am alive...
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So; As I see it... Because I went to this person and they never went to me; This is the fundamental problem. The processing must look at why I headed up in this persons direction in the first place. their truly was no reason; a drunk or stoned person asked me if I wanted to go up to their house; I said OK and got into the car... and the horrible rest is a horrible history...
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Why didnt I think or feel first or have any wisdom concerning such things... I paid for it.
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My behavior ended up being all of the problem... I cant or wont succeed in fixing that behavior by blaming the other person. However, it may take years in the recovery process to understand that the other person had nothing to do with my behavioral choices; altho Id like to blame her so I can be a victim.
Looking back; Several things I wanted; First; I wanted to save her from her self and her evil parents and family. However, THere was no indication that she needed to be saved or wanted to be saved or had suggested anything was wrong. SHe never mentioned she had a problem with her family.
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Second; I needed a savior and someone to take the place of the love of my parents that I never recieved. Thus; I turned her into a God; My God! So dysfunctional did this become; I began to pray and when praying; half the time her name would slip out as whom Im praying to; And Im not kidding!
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Next; What did I want; I wanted a friend; a best fiend and I thought she would be it! So; did she ever suggest she wanted a best friend? No! Did she ever suggest she liked me; NO! DId she ever suggest her motivations around me; NO! Did she suggest she had any motivations around me; NO!
Was she attracted to me; NO! Did she ever suggest she wanted to see me again; NO!
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Number #4; I wanted someone like the people I remember as a child who lived in my neighborhood; So; I wanted spiritual people who were decent and nice. OKE; Did she worship or have a higher power or God in her life; NO! Did she pray; Hmmm? I dont think so; not to much! Did she have any spirituality; No! Was she interested in spirituality; No! Did she have a God; NO! How then could have been able to help me; She could not.
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#4.1; Was I honest from the start; No! Because I did not think I would be enough! and so I lied... I could not keep up the lies; and the basement fell through and I was caught as a weakling faking a confident person. I did not have the experience to tell her how I felt at that moment; and thus; was in freeze mode; and could say nothing... All leading to the end of this situation.
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I wanted a relationship; Did I tell her; NO! Did I tell her how I felt; NO! Did I ask her for help; NO! did I ask her for relationship advice; NO! Did I suggest that if we hooked up; she would have to help me and teach me how to be in a relationship; NO! So; how would she really know who I was or what I wanted; She would not!
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It would be and is necessary to take her inventory at that time so i can decide what I thought she had done to me and how I felt about it. However, in the end; I start writing about what I did to her...
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I met her; she never suggested she would be interested in meeting someone like me... !
And most importantly; She never came to me looking for or starting a relationship. When she left; did she ever come back; No! Ever! Did she like me when she left NO! did she respect me when she left or value me or my friendship; NO! Did she see any worth in me; NO! Nothing! Did she want to be friends with me after she left; NO! did she like talking to me; NO! Did she ever like Hanging out with me or around me; NO!
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NOTE: there's a good chance I was being used here; concerning hanging around her. She was not interested me but when I showed up she still answered the door and let me in; she could have been scared or felt intimidated or guilty; She didn't want to act rude and just send someone away who just came to her door. Possibly if I had stated my business within the first few minutes; That I was just hanging out; she would have dismissed me right then and I would have had to leave and probably would have gotten the message and never returned.
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NOTE: The main problem at that time was my house; I was a teenager living with people who didnt want me and It was 2 much for me. I was reaching out to the people in the neighborhood making friends and trying to find a place to rest; a place to go!
. If I had never gone to her she would have never met me... She never claimed or showed any behavior of leading me on in the beginning! And the potential for this relationship was over in the beginning... Any further meandering around her after this; this was my insanity.
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This relationship was over within the first 5 minutes of meeting her because I was suppose to ask her out; that would have established my motive for being their. Because I did not; no Motive or purpose was established and thus; I was just this person hanging around. Calling and showing up at her house for what appeared to be no reason; At some point in the future; when I called; she was no longer interested in associating with me. Interesting words; ( She was never interested in associating with me in the first place). Sure; one could say; that is mean of her; cruel. But did she really owe me anything... She never claimed to be nice; she never claimed to be spiritual. She never claimed to have a God... She never claimed she wanted to be friends with me and she never said she liked me or was interested in me. And I never did the same for her. I never told her I was interested in her or that I liked her or wanted to be with her; I never ask her out; or got physically close to her. At some point; she walked away and never returned. And thus on my knees broken; I turned to Jesus for help; For my life. For I had truly lost myself in her and all this...
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NOTE: And along the way in this experience; I hurt several other people emotionally spiritually psychologically; because I felt like I had the right because I was a victim of past things. This is wrong; and I got on my knees and told Sunny Jesus about all of it... And I am under GOds care now! Altho this is not easy; but its fairly secure these days...
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And this list goes on n on; Finally to the horrible demise that I lost.
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Jesus told me. What-I-did-doeth-not-work and to come home to God and later we will start over.
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I asked God; Can you please bring her to me; Im ready for her now! God told me; So sorry; but even the universe cannot bring her to me because she has free will; and the universe cant turn her into a zombie and bring her to me; But; said the universe; the universe can help me start over again and have something new in my life including a new life! Even the Universe cant go against its own laws; so; Im like OKE! I get it. It hurts but God is on my side... The Universe is a friendly Universe...
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So; Within the recovery process; within groups; I speak and work on things... and get honest. And I tell others my stories and my solutions... And thus; God rewards me the next day by moving me forward...
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Activites;
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Art;
Problems with creating Art and Gods help in this matter.
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Lets talk Work Ethic; for that is what has been causing the problems with my inability to create Art; So worried I have been about what everyone else will think.
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Im now focused on only my work ethic concerning Art. What does this mean; Its means; Im a worker or a labor'r; and the goal is to be able to sit down and labor. I pull a computer screen or canvas in front of me... and I go to work... Its not personal; I do fine detailed work with pencil and eraser and paints; I work just like anyone else. I spent most of the time erasing and re adjusting and re fixing until It starts to look like something I had in mind or felt. This could take months or maybe weeks or maybe days or maybe an hour or maybe a few minutes; It matters not; its all work; its nothing person while doing it... Im just doing the physical work to get the idea to be well enough built that others looking at the Art piece will understand my view of things... The work part of it has nothing to do with the idea part; its just work.
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So; I make a decision to sit down and be a part of this boring dull at times; experience of find detailed worked with pencil or paints.. and massive editing and re adjusting of line until that line fits on paper the way its suppose to... its all work.. Work will solve all of this aspect of things.
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Ive learned to sacrifice and to understand no instant gratification and no need for it; I get what I work at; nothing more. I do more work; more work gets done... I can slow down to a crawl and finish the work or the section at some point Im working on; so; theirs no reason I cant have marginal acceptable success in this arena... Success meaning; finishing a product I could hang on someone's wall. ( if Im willing to sit down and work at it). I know I will sit down and work at it if I make a decision to do so... It still hurts; its still boring and dry and no fun! Its so open and scary... However, work is work. A certain amount of discipline is absolute and sacrifice.
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So; The problem then; when I make a decision to sit down and do Art; I know the work ethic is much like a wood workman in a shop; its work; its labor... its not personal if the job is to get done. I know the job can be boring laborious monotonous, dry! When the actual picture is finished; I get the reward and I get the feeling of doing the work first and seeing the end result of my labor... And this is a much different view then I had before... When I allowed the universe in; I began to get new thoughts that have helped me concerning the work ethic of making something...
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MUSIC: Problems!
Im not where I am with Art... In music Im a bit behind... I dont have the work ethic resolved like I do in Art work... So; Im working with the universe right now to get back to my real interests in music creation; What do I want to create... Im still stuck on what others think. I want to be a star and feel like I have to look good to them! So; they still control me in this area; they rule me. Music is not my own. So; Im working with God on this problem.
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