July 2025
June 2025
So; Im showing signs of healing.
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The bigger picture of my life is showing up.
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I was completely thrown away and neglected at birth; Kind of. I had parents around. Later; at the age of 4-5; I was let off at nursery school; so I got attention that way.
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I had brothers and got some attention that way; not that much. I was always wondering. I never really saw them or hung out with them. I had to share a room with my older brother... my oldest brother had his own room; but the more I look at it; I spent no time with them ever; not really; looking back; something was horribly wrong. I did figure it all out... THey had been so traumatized they were in an almost sedated state from the beginning; They to were thrown away completely.
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To handle; from the beginning; being thrown away; I jumped out into life and met new people. I didn't care who it was; I ended up at others homes and spent my time at their homes most of the time; ( I was part of the furniture) I was doing this to make up for not having anyone at my house... I loved my house and neighborhood more then anything in the whole world... Unfortunately the psychopaths who brought me their knew this as well and were waiting to pull this out from under me. And they did... I was 9 years old; I was traumatized to the point of a complete split from reality; This meant many things; first; it meant the people I was living with cared nothing about my survival; either of them; they were monsters and murder'rs. I would never get my dreams that go with a middle class life or family; all the development I thought I was going through; it will never happen. Im being erased. I do not have my house anymore or neighborhood or have any idea about my future. I mean nothing to these people.
The house was never mine; They moved into this house knowing they would move at some point and shatter my dreams... They cared not about me or my future; Nothing...
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No more schooling; but I was flunking out completely the whole time in grade school; no one cared; it just kept getting worse every year... It was neglect!
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( And this is Important); The friends I had made were no friends. As soon as these people in charge broke apart 9 mother Father); I headed to my best friends house to talk to him; He made it clear that he and his parents thought I was a bad kid and I deserved what ever I got ( They had never liked me or wanted me around; from the beginning)?
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NOTE; This upper paragraph is important because it suggests these friends were no friends and wanted nothing to do with me from the beginning. THus; in First grade Im moving outward trying to meet new friends; for my survival; This suggests Ive known and accepted I will get nothing from the family system Im living with; I seem to all ready know this at the time. Also; ill continue to make these mistakes with the wrong people... Ill find the wrong people... I always found the wrong people; people who never saw any worth in me. Could this be; I was looking for more people like my parents to spend time with... Because my parents never wanted me.
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"He made it clear that he and his parents thought I was a bad kid and I deserved what ever I got"
I could not believe what I was hearing. I was the nicest kid ever created in the whole world ( what was going on here. I was destroyed and devastated. No one cared what happened to me. I will be consumed and destroyed..... I had no friends...
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NOTE; These kids I tried to make friends; they were resentful I bothered them. They did not like me or value me or respect me; they could care less who I am; or was at the time; I was just someone to be used. I had no idea; I thought I had made great friends; I had not. They knew from the very beginning what was going on...
Regardless of my judgment for them or their sick families; in the end it was non of my business because they never came to me; I went to them. If I had never met them; I would have never known them; Why would any of them have ever come to me! They would not have unless God brought them to me; why would God bring them to me; for what? IT would have never happened. God did not bring then to me.
God told me a few years back concerning these people of the past; " Omincell; if you would have stopped calling them for one year; guess what would have happened; they would have never called you.
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IN the present.
I was split from reality through trauma; over n over over. All society based anchor points pulled out from under me; those anchor points that make a person feel safe in society. All was pulled out from under me...
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I was extremely mentally ill... no one cared. The school system turned on me....
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I went through more n more traumatic nightmares; no one to save me... Nothing... Alone.....
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NOTE: As for my brother? They seemed to be oblivious to me; maybe hatred contempt or jealousy. They are not around much when I was young; meaning; They know nothing about me! Later; they are against me; Jealous of me; Why are they jealous; They are mad! I mean; insane....
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My mind was split several times and then sexual abuse and being enslaved basically against all my rights... that completely turned me into a psychotic monster that wanted to kill...
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My mind and nervous system being systematically destroyed.
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The main point of this blog;
Subject for the blog; ( THese friends Ive talked about and others like them) These people who never knew the real me; Not their fault... I needed a psychiatric hospital.
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NOTE: THis idea of needing a Psychiatric Hospital instead of friends; is very important within the understanding of the Resentment structure of things; ( to correct resentments); I had massively high delusional expectations of these strangers; One must realize; The reader realizing; these people I wanted so much from; these were not nice people; they were not family members... these were from different families ( strangers) ( strangers that owed me nothing). I was an invader( I was invading them; invading their lives; their rights their private territories); of sorts... Looking back; its humiliating and embarrassing. Hanging out at their houses may have helped the acute problem of the moment; but it did nothing for my growth long term. I was not growing being at these peoples houses hanging out with their sons... I stayed a perpetual 5 year old.. no growth mentally; emotionally.
It did me no good to hang out with their daughters; for Sunny Jesus never told me to be their; to be at their houses; I was suppose to be at the residence I was staying at; go to my room; get on my knees and pray and let God bring the Holy one to me that the Holy spirit intertwin with in me and thus the universe would start bringing me answers on how to live and where to go. And I would attract nothing less then that Holy spiritus....
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So; After the age of 9-10; the new people I meet; Im desperate for friends; Anyone that will help me; anyone that will take me in...
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NOTE; What I need is my own path set before me by God( at the time and the present); a path of this nature would have no acceptance or direction associating with any of these false friends I've mentioned before. They were not my friends; they were innocent. I mean; they were innocent strangers who never approached me; never thought about me; nothing!.
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I end up talking to several wrong people and making them out to be ( in my fantasy); unrealistic close friends and lovers and brothers and best friends; almost schizophrenic like. I put in realistic expectations onto others creating animosity and anger and contempt... I was expecting strangers to take care of me; I was walking over others boundaries; I was dependent on strangers who never asked for it; and I created a lot of ill will; Ill feelings; most people could not stand me; thought me strange; could not wait to get rid of me.
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NOTE: For the present; Im hoping I can work through this behavior and end up with some sober sanity... Im working on coming back to reality and starting over... Im hoping for some Sober friends.
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Continuing with the story;
This will continue for many many many years; from early childhood; up into my early 20's. Im in so much pain by this time. Id been bullied relentlessly; I was completely mentally dissociatively shut down.
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I had created people ( strangers) into best friends greater than brothers; girls ( total strangers); suddenly I claimed that they were my first or second or third love that wanted to marry me; thats what I imagined... I created false memories.. I felt things and added their pictures to it within my mind and soon I had a replica of them in my mind and would feed off it as if I had a relationship with that person.
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NOTE; Im creating this delusional limerence with middle class kids Ive some how been invited to meet... They did not invite me; its by chance I got invited to something and introduced or something. Or they were popular in school; and I thought about them; never really meeting them.
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In reality; No one was best friends; no lovers; no first or second or third women that wanted to marry me... no first loves; nothing! it was all in my head. It was a schizophrenic styled delusion. This was being created by so many breakdowns from reality; Dissociation to the point of hospitalization... very close. But no hospital to go to... nothing... The breakage of my mind and soul and nervous system is happening over n over n over again.
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I had taken strangers emotionally hostage; well; I actually just showed up around them and stayed silent; never trying anything or going any further with them. they finally wrote me off as a weakling and didn't want me around anymore. They were confused and could not understand my behavior... I could not ever open up about anything I was thinking about; I lived in my own dilutional dissociative fantasy world; safe from the outside world.
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NOTE: At first I tried to ACT like everyone else; I pulled if off a few times; maybe fooling a few people... but not for long.
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I thought they were my friends; they were not... Meaning; they were never my friends to start with... Meaning; they never claimed to want me or want to know me; to know me in the first place. THey never went out of their way to know me... When I met them; they were surprised; they didn't want me; didnt want to meet me; or need to know me.. Some were nice about it... Some were more cruel about it; but they were all strangers that I had created a kind of severe limerence toward... almost delusional schizophrenic state.... very close...
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NOTE: THere was nothing wrong with these people I was pushing myself onto; just normal troubled or untroubled people; maybe they were regular or maybe a bit rich or maybe not; maybe below the margin; I dont know what they were; but they didnt want me or need me; they had found ways to get their own needs met and they didnt need someone like me around at all... Thats why all of this is so embarrassing.
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NOTE: Many of them turn out to be evil... and this is another scary aspect of mental illness; My mental illness; Im blind to whom Im associating. Ill take anyone who will give me attention or look friendly to me... Anyone. The problem is; the people I thought were friendly turned out to be completely sociopathic monsters. Looking back; what does this tell me... This tells me Im totally mentally ill and delusional and should not be talking to strangers because Im not present and making dangerous decisions to create harms way!
The main problem was; My personality was split into and then again into severe fragments... I was suffering from lethal levels of trauma and could no longer function at all... No one cared; no one was going to help me and did not care what happened to me...
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Some How I had the opportunity to escape at times and get invited to someone's house up the street. So I would go; I would show up and hang there. They had no idea who I was or that anything was wrong with me. They thought I was just part of a new neighborhood... At first they treated me normally; but then I began to malfunction; I could not express myself or follow through with anything; I was catatonic and could not move forward in any kind of relationship.... And that was just the beginning; The beginning of the end!
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I would tell myself " I care about the child in them; Im connecting with the child in them". I look back at this; I dont remember anyone asking me to look at the child in them; did Christ; Did Christ ask me to look at the child in them; I wasnt even suppose to be their!
The problem was; I needed a psych ward and to move away into a whole new life. So; these people I met; these generalized people in society; these middle class'rs' thats what I call them; I was not from the middle class at that point; I was from the trauma class at that point; I had nothing in common with regular society people; Nothing!
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Drugs n alcohol will start. In the end Ill hurt my brain on drugs and have to slow down then stop; alcohol will start in my 20's while nearing homelessness and during a after... it will get out of hand and become alcoholic for a short time; I wont be able to stop drinking; suddenly a suicide attempt and being at the hospital; ( PTSD related); and everything will change. Ill end up in the recovery rooms and Ive been their ever since.
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TOday when asked about resentments; only toward my mother and father maybe a brother or 2 and Those who molested me.... THE PTSD still scares me... to relive everything all the time... and the school system and some teachers who abused me...
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So; as for people. No Relationships. Nothing.... I had a few friends on the south side of my house when a child... Anyone to the North doesnt count... This means; a few normal kids up the street to the south... the rest dont count.
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No resentments.... What does that mean; Im working on letting 90% of those people go; The bullies and such; different. The people I tried to have relationships with; Forget it! THey new nothing!
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I met fake friends while I was in a desperate state;after being thrown away... Non of these people count; The reason is; they were normal people from normal families and have no idea who I am; or really was at the time. I was nuts... I needed psychiatric help; I did not need them as friends. THey had no clue who I was or what was wrong with me or why I was hanging around. I never told a soul anything about me. Some who never liked me in the first place; some of them turned on me at this point; but I had no idea they felt that way... I never knew! Looking back; I had no business being around people like this; they were not worth to much in my book.... Not now; as I look back; but hey; I mean; they were fine. I had no business knowing them enough to judge one way or the other because they are not my people!
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In the recovery process after slowly waking up.... and working the steps several times; I realized; these people were not my enemies or my friends; these were people from the middle class that had no clue what was going on; not with me or my situation; nor would they have any clue I was mentally ill and if so; they would not care; they wouldnt know what that meant nor what to do about it; they were perfect strangers and completely untrained to have a clue what was going on.... if I had told them they probably would have suggested some places to get help and that would be the end....
These people were not looking for someone like me; I was not on their radar...
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In fact; I owe them an amends... I ended up at their houses acting like I was a normal person; it was a lie; I lied. If they had known what I was really like they would have never invited me in; they would have sent me on my way and never associated with me... ever! WHy would they! I had nothing in common with them; why would I end up at their homes in the first place?; They were dangerous people; The danger at times came in the form of arrogance and thinking they were superior to everyone... This was the wrong crowd. If I had not been mentally ill; and desperate; I would have never associated with these types of pathological sociopathic types..Shallow popular and rich parents... I guess! They thought they were better then me. thats my point. These were wrong destination for my life...
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I was mad at those people for a long time; now i know better. !
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So; I was a broken person from severe trauma who was acting out around others and desperately looking for help from something or someone... I was non responsive and not present and so fragile from being beat down from a ruptured personality and nervous system... I could not act or be anything other then catatonic at times; distant; closed off; weak.... protected; not myself... or I would not have found myself around strangers that were dangerous to my health; physical health as well as mental.
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Im trying to make a point.
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So; what am I trying to say; I crossed over the line of reality in the first place to even know these strangers; Thats the violation; Even knowing these strangers was a violation... It was totally violating; Whats more important; Im worth so much more then these watered down idiots I was chasing after; I must have been insane and broken to do so... and thats what hurts so much; Im worth so much more; God is telling me all this... I have to follow Christ.... thats the answer. Stop focusing on all this other stuff. God will bring me everything I need; I just meditate and meditate on God and meditate and at the frequency of the Holy spirit; When the Holy spirit is in and through me and Im aligned with the Holy spirit; thats what i will attract... nothing less.
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NOTE: I dont like this; focusing on or meditating on the Holy spirit ( Thats not true; I love it!); I like Porn just like the next guy; But Ive had enough... I cant take any more of these Satanists and Witches and Warlocks and Orgs and vampires around me; Im so sick of these Fakey people. I guess im a Fakey person tho. So; I have to work on that...
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I depend on God like God is Oxygen...
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