July 2025
June 2025
I am getting better...
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All of the work Ive done
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All of the work that has been; My higher power has helped me from the beginning... guiding me.
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All of the people that have helped me in the meetings; all of them; everyone; I dont specifically feel it directly for them but i do; because Ive been around and know better; with out them; nothing; I would be gone.
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I am getting better; all of the experience through the years of recovery; I am getting better; slowing becoming in the present; forming as is with no past. I know of the past; but most of it is gone.. Its been worked out or understood. And Im able to slowly stand on my own a bit.
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Am I using the right words. Im not kidding! Im getting better...
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Im getting to a place Ive always wanted to be; to be back within self; its an inside job... IT from all those years of struggling in the recovery process and working with GOd and others and directions; and the study not only of the recovery books and fellowship materials but also success based manuals of the successful. And of course; therapy; years and years of it; especially in the beginning years... Horrible horrible time... (No Life; cut off from self; beheaded); Slowly trusting God on the pathway back to magical island!
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Im not trying to toot my blame-thrower to loudly; I just saying or speaking the truth. I feel like Im on the Mayflower and I can see land; for those who still believe our history; regardless; one understands...
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I am getting better.. At some point Ill be present again in some fashion. I wont have worked through the past. I would have worked through all of it; the constraints of it the principles of it.
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Im getting closer right now. I can see myself without the past living in the present ( Does tht sound right? it is from my angle); mainly from facing the past over n over n over with GOds help; slowly creeping on it; adding up success points against it; to finally be able to conquer it...
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Ive not conquered anything yet. Im just saying. Im doing things that have made the difference and Im more present.
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With the wonderment of the Holy Spirit and God Christ; With Christs Magic; Ive been able to come forth from my death... arise and be again! Im watching it now! Im feeling myself resurrected; Im getting closer... And the first thing I want to do is talk to women! Ha ha hahahahahahah!~
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Not ready for prime time just yet!
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More work must be done and faced.
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The past is getting rearranged by God. Its me asking for such things and trusting in the universe and the universe is doing a splendid job helping me.
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Im just starting tho... Im getting a bit stronger; thicker leathered surface texture; thus yielding me passage points from one side of the river lake to the other... The bridge seems to have been built for a long while now. Im just meandering up on its docks and back; concrete never felt so smooth...
But I havent gone over to the other side yet; not yet; a gap of horror and fear still exists in the middle of the mote....
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I Was talking at a meeting of being in my teenager years; high school years. a little before and a little in the middle.
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The most important point is; who am I! I am my new memories... I see myself then as I see myself now; someone what healed? is that the right word; yes/no; more rearranged aligned with GOd and then thrust forth with curiosity presence; a Sherlock Homes kind a front yard... Its safe while all the monster want to look in from a fair distance.
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(Going Back in time; Way back; Back to my teen years where so much damage occured)
Looking back; I see myself in high school as that new person I always wanted to be in high school. The miracle is; its all been re arranged but not while in high school; for that was many millennium ago. High school has been re-arranged; changed right now; The universe has shown me alternate endings to my video game! I can go back in and reprogram my mind to thing and accept a new set of realities of my past; a new DLC; Add on to the game; a new arrangement and ending. How about that magic trick boys n girls... And Im not kidding; its been done; happening for me for awhile; I just keep working at it...
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So; God is creating miracles... if Im willing to ask....
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God slipped in between the unfortunate possibilities and choices of my youth. And has sent me into another direction... Has gone back in time and sent that youth into other directions.
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Its not an easy thing recreating ones past in real time with new openings and a safe new narrative... However, in this day n age; a new narrative may be what money used to do for people in the past... Those who can create a new narrative of an old life; it is those who are rich in todays world... Yes; maybe? Im not suggesting a lot of cold hard cash to go with it wouldnt be a bad idea.
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Im getting off subject as usual.
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So; much of my problems in the past; I naively went with people I knew nothing about and got destroyed...
So; today; I ask God to go back with me in my past and instead of going with those bad people; God is directing me; has been directing me for a while now; sometime slowly to grasp the idea of changing my past; rewriting it; re imagining it; So; For the bad guys who show up around me; This time; I tell them No!
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NOTE: In my blog a problem arises... Im about to move forward with the ideas presented to me from GOd but have no family; that is what hurts the most and what this is about; Im angry and rebelling at that time; theirs no one! No one who loves me or notices me or cares who I am who I will become; or; if they ever see me again; Nothing! and I have to leave this family system with no possibilities of any future; it will be over when I have to take over my own life and make adult decisions for it. I actually had been making decisions for it from the earliest of my life. The problem is; I thought someone liked me or even wanted me or was protecting me or looking out for me. No one was! I thought my father liked me and was looking out for me. He was looking out for no one.
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Instead I get on my knees and pray and ask GOd what to do next in my situation. God tells me to call a church and work with their youth organizations; being part of it... We are talking about at the age of 14. And I will talk to the minister and the adults in the church and tell them about my problems in school. And they will contact teachers and counselors at the school at which I will talk with about my schooling problems. Thus; I will gain at least basic grades and probably stay solid enough to get a job in school. ANd join clubs after school; boys clubs at the time. And Ill work with those in charge in the church and school.. And that will be my new direction; because it was always Gods direction for me in the first place... In other words; I will be contacting responsible adults for help.
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Wanting relationships with women... WOuld have to be the right women?
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My biggest problem is evil. Attracting it or it showing up... More importantly; I showing up around it. As I remember; even the sadistic sociopath I dated for a very short time years ago; She looked like a cake mix girl on a box; She looked safe on the outside; she turned out to be a literal monster; a real one. I never saw it coming. However, the most important aspect is this; She never came to me and never asked me out. I went to her and asked her out.
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I did see a division; I was willing to ask someone out if they looked or appeared physically safe on the outside; what type of clothing they wore; hair; markup; how they talked and held themselves. When they seemed middle class and conservative; I went for it. Unfortunately; It was just bait. And I took the bait... It was all a mask; everything.
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The problem with women is not women; I have no strength in that area; nothing; Ive been to beaten down by people trying to set me up and fool me who had no business being around me...
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NOTE: communication is the problem; not being able to communicate and be myself through communication with someone; I went through to much terror... And it is this problem Im looking to solve; not being able to be present and communicate...
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If I want a women in my life; Ill have to go to the higher rungs of society for it! Stay away from everyone else; I guess. I dont know... In the end; I was always around low lifes.... I have to look at that... I have to look at getting someone with my values...
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I never wanted to be rejected by " NICE DECENT PEOPLE IN MIDDLE CLASS COMMUNITIES" ever again! I was never good enough for them; couldn't even get started. ; I wasnt even invited.
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NOTE: Ill work with God on this!
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Ill have to work with God on this one.. And their it is. And I can feel the pain; I have to go through God first and stay out of it... stay out of the rest. Take it to God when ready; and wait...
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Well; Im suggesting that I want a relationship with a women; OKE: So; lets get that strait.
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NOTE: Maturity is the problem; no experience; I didnt realize; all those years of mental illness and being thrown away and staying to myself and keeping my real self within myself and all those years being an introvert watching TV shows... or daydreaming. I never left the TV set and I dont think I knew it...
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obviously thats the problem( wanting a relationship) or the problem lies within that realm; At least I know that much.
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Im seeing fear
Im seeing sexual abusers and predators and sexual abuse and control by those predators...
Im seeing low self esteem from being put down all the time by my mother and that family system over n over n over; all my life.
Triggering; from the abusers and not having anyone; being alone as a child from the beginning
Im seeing; I have to change; I have to become the person who is already imagining being in a relationship; be that person first; become that person; and then I can easily attract what Im looking for.
What am I looking for; I see more bullying and PTSD of different time periods of horror... from psychopaths and psychopathic bullies...
I see the economic fear; not being good enough
I see being hurt or having the rug pulled out from underneath me.
I see myself not good enough and being told Im not good enough; laughed at.... THe problem with being laughed at is; I put myself out for the other person and then find out Im dealing with filth; someone that would laugh at me; This means they dont know me; they have no idea who I am or who their dealing with...
I seem to be scared to become the person I have to become to be in relationships again.
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Ive mentioned some things Im scared of; now its time to mention the solutions and the problems dealing with those solutions; because the solutions are just as hard as what im scared of; just as difficult to deal with.
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Ive had the most beautiful women... I had a friend sitting with me last Friday... a few days ago; he was joking; why dont you get some Beautiful Asian women.. yes; focus on that... He said it in a kind of fantasizing way; not really expecting me to be in reality on any of this or answer his question. I didnt tell him. I already did that. Ive already had those women who liked me. THese specific women were of a group of women; a larger group where a number of women liked me from a group; they scared me.. I wasn't interested.. Freight would be the right word. They were not nice people. When I say fright; or a man says fright associated with women; Hes not talking about physical. Im not afraid of women; No man I know of is. Thats not the point; its not physical. Thats not where women have the power. THey have the ability to use what they have against me. If they show as unethical to not be trust worthy; I will back off. THey might not be nice people. Its no good; does me no good... Ill have to wade through the weeds...
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Triggering; it seems no women is safe; and I believe that because of my triggering; because when I say that; I see my mother... and others. And thats a deep set problem... I was set up as a child to be destroyed and thats what they did; it was murder; they were murder'rs; I never saw it coming; at all. Nothing. I was stripped of everything; my life; everything I loved and cared about and was human. Everything... This is also a problem...
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A lack of respect for what Ive been through; my values; this is a problem...
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Trusting God will bring the right person and I wont chicken out; this is a problem...
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If I was with the right person; none of this would be a problem...
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The question is; How can I become the right person... What would it take to face this... and why am I holding back.
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Question;
How can I become the right person and why am I holding back... That is the real questions here.
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Im playing the victim... So; I have to be really gentle here on this part of it; its the young inner me thrown away and damaged that Im talking about... thats the problem... But why am I not dealing with him( My inner being)... I could. I could deal with him; talk to him; work with him; why am I not. What am I doing? Im playing games? Im playing games for some reason in all this?
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Im talking about coming back into life in general. Im not talking about just looking or waiting for one women; Im talking about coming back into life so Im eligible to be around women again. Its a social thing... Thats the problem... TO come back to society and be around People again.
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I have to become a social person again...
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A few guy friends of mine asking me. " why dont you go after some Asian women" I said " I did" " I turned them down".
And their it is... I turned them down; Why?
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I have to become the person that is ready to date people; be with people; be physically close to people; by groomed physically for it; want to be... want to be part of things...
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Ive been turning down women all my life from the beginning; I dont know why! But I do know...
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So; my mothers picture comes up in the headlights as the problem. But the problem is not just dealing with the tragedy and grief of that time period and the loses.. IF I deal with that time period and get over it; I also move on from it and I lose it; and Im not ready to lose it yet and move on but Hey; I kind of am and have been working toward it for a long time now!
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NOTE: I had support when young; I created it outside the house; i created it with others families; The problem is; I thought those families were my support; they turned out not to be; they had little interest in me to start with; in my imagination; I imagined they liked me and cared about me and about what happened to me. However, In reality; I doubt any of them ever cared if they ever saw me again.
SOmething dissociatively still hooked me in PTSD CPTSD; where Im trauma bonded and stuck. Horror; and thats part of the problem. Not being able to work through that yet!
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Things are already changing for the better; this is what's changing; Im looking into my past; and in place of going to peoples homes or taking off from the house Im living at when young; at that moment when a teenager; I see myself getting on my knees and worshiping God and praying( This is the alternate story). ANd the message is for me to get on the phone and call a church( this message coming from God/Universe during that time after praying or during praying); telling them Im a youth; I was a youth at the time of this; and tell them or ask them if I could join the church and its youth movement and talk to the minister or counselors at the church for guidance.
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NOTE: Im looking for answers to separate from the family system Im living with at the time; they are strangers and dont want me. Im in a strange city... I am not wanted and not valued at that house hold; I am 14 years old and in the 9th grade..
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Once at the church and involved in the youth aspect; ask for help for school; tell them Im flunking out of school and from a bad home life where no one wants me; and ask what I can do or should do about school; so I can make sure to at least do well enough until Im out; get help from adults at the church. thats what Im seeing in my past; as an alternative to going up the street to someone elses houses or drugs or meeting the wrong people; No one cared who I met or what happened to me or how well I did or didnt do in school; nothing. So; I see myself working with God and getting instruction to go to church and start their... and I can actually see myself rewriting my history. And it really feels good...
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Dealing with my immaturity...
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VIDEO GAMES;
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Im hitting a compulsive move; I like the video games but suddenly my money runs out and I dont think the value for the video games is worth the video games. Ive been praying about how much to spend on video games; Its frustrating...
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